competing with ex

[rightondude]

I have been going out with a woman for a couple of months now. We started fast and it has built up from there. We live a couple of hours apart so I can't see her every day or anything, but whenever there is time free I'm spending it with her. It is definitely in the honeymoon phase with everything so far; we click like no one I've been with before.

 

Recently we've gotten to the point of tagging each other in pics on Facebook. Since this happened, her ex who she was in a relationship with for 9 years (then he ghosted her!!!) has started sending her snapchat pics. No contact that I'm aware of outside of that. The two times it has popped up, she genuinely seemed confused and PO'd and let me know she has no feelings for him and wants to build things with me. All signs point to that being the case. Last night it happened while we were out. She seemed really upset. I really wasn't sure what to say. We moved on and had a great time, then she stayed over and we had some amazing sex.

 

From what she has told me about this ex, he spent all kind of cash on her and she says he treated her like a queen. But then he just suddenly cut off all contact. She did some online research and found out he was apparently a sex addict/swinger and she thinks this factored into him ghosting her. But since they haven't actually talked, who knows.

 

I am really falling for this girl but before I get crushed, I need to know if she'd consider taking him back. I have had this (though not to this level of a relationship) happen before. I almost don't want to encourage her by bringing it up, and she keeps assuring me there's no chance of it ever happening, that she's thrilled with every minute we've spent together, etc. But 9 years is a heck of a lot longer than I have spent with her, and again, I've seen similar happen before.

 

If I were giving some dude advice, I'd say she's going to do what she's going to do and there's not a damn thing I can do about it other than trying to keep being a better option. But I figured I'd ask for some advice as well.

 

I wish I could just kick this guy's ass to be honest.

[preraph]

Next time she seems upset when it happens, say, "Why haven't you blocked him?" I mean, that's always an option, one she hasn't taken, so yes, I'd be a little worried, especially since it sounds like he broke up (or ghosted) on her, so she probably has some kind of feelings and no closure about it and it would make anyone emotional. Hopefully your bond is stronger, but you'll have to see how it plays out and find out why she hasn't blocked him.

[frus69]

Why was she upset?

[alphamale]

dude, she will go back to him in a heart beat if the opportunity arises

[Flame Aura]

No idea how Snapchat works as I don't use that rubbish but surely there is a way to stop getting messages from certain people? Why hasn't she done this/deleted him? Then she won't have the problem.

[Versacehottie]

here's might short, quick answer.

 

a) what you would say to another guy: there's little you can do about it, just make your relationship the best you can

 

b) if she does bring it up again, my advice is to play up & nudge her toward the part that he wasn't the guy she thought he was, i.e. it's pretty bad to be ghosted after 9 years (like that's unheard of to me, until your post)... so on one hand i think the length of time might be a pull toward him and that it's a ego boost to be able to get him back/interested again. However, most of that happens when you still have feelings for the person they were when they were with you or even on a pedestal when you get dumped and imagine the guy better than he is. So make sure she is actively thinking about that he betrayed her by being someone else that she didn't really know at all--that's the key IMO. Harp on it without harping on it. Get her to harp on it. Also that kind of sexual behavior probably won't just stop so she could never really trust him---this is the kind of stuff she needs to be thinking about. Tread carefully though, depending on how you approach any conversation; she needs to feel like you're aren't making a case for yourself or badmouthing him. Subtle nudge is my advice. Good luck

[The Outlaw]

I second what alpha says. I was put into the same situation a few years ago with a girl I dated, and I don't think I ever managed to pry her away from that guy. I didn't know who in the heck she was hanging out with until she told me. Hopefully, she'll stick with you and won't go back to this guy, but I'm telling you from experience, it didn't end well for me. It was a blessing in disguise in the end, but I lost her.

[rightondude]

Next time she seems upset when it happens, say, "Why haven't you blocked him?" I mean, that's always an option, one she hasn't taken, so yes, I'd be a little worried, especially since it sounds like he broke up (or ghosted) on her, so she probably has some kind of feelings and no closure about it and it would make anyone emotional. Hopefully your bond is stronger, but you'll have to see how it plays out and find out why she hasn't blocked him.

 

I did in fact ask that question when it happened last night and the answer didn't make much sense. I don't remember the exact words but it sounded like it was a "pride thing" or something, like she didn't even want to acknowledge him or something of that sort. And yeah she probably does want to hear it from him; I probably would too after being together that long.

 

Oh yeah just to add to the allure of the ex, apparently because of his sex addiction he was like the best thing ever in bed. That motivated me to go extra hard and crazy last night and it freakin' worked. She even said at the end that she _definitely_ now had no interest in ever going back. Which made me happy but also made me think, "so there was some interest before just now?"

[rightondude]

b) if she does bring it up again, my advice is to play up & nudge her toward the part that he wasn't the guy she thought he was, i.e. it's pretty bad to be ghosted after 9 years (like that's unheard of to me, until your post)... so on one hand i think the length of time might be a pull toward him and that it's a ego boost to be able to get him back/interested again....../QUOTE]

 

Spot on and I did in fact say similar. I used the analogy of a dog.

 

Before this guy, she was married to someone in which there was no love. Then she found this guy and they were together for close to a decade. Then he did the ghosting.

 

I said it sounded like a puppy that was beat down by it's first owner, then someone rescues it, treats it well, then that person throws it out of the house and locks the door. You wanna go back to that? Sure it was good when you were in the house, but that guy threw you out and turned his back on you....you really wanna go back to that?

Edited August 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[rightondude]

I second what alpha says. I was put into the same situation a few years ago with a girl I dated, and I don't think I ever managed to pry her away from that guy. I didn't know who in the heck she was hanging out with until she told me. Hopefully, she'll stick with you and won't go back to this guy, but I'm telling you from experience, it didn't end well for me. It was a blessing in disguise in the end, but I lost her.

 

man I hope it's not like that, but sounds similar. I will probably end up sealing my own fate by being suspicious, paranoid and overcompensating. Or it could just happen on it's own anyway. Should have known it was too good to be true.

[frus69]

Spot on and I did in fact say similar. I used the analogy of a dog.

 

Before this guy, she was married to someone in which there was no love. Then she found this guy and they were together for close to a decade. Then he did the ghosting.

 

I said it sounded like a puppy that was beat down by it's first owner, then someone rescues it, treats it well, then that person throws it out of the house and locks the door. You wanna go back to that? Sure it was good when you were in the house, but that guy threw you out and turned his back on you....you really wanna go back to that?

 

But shouldnt she know that already? She really needs YOU to nudge her and make her realize what's good? Unless she's 13 with no life wisdom, I trust she knows very well what's right and what's wrong. She just isnt doing it.Because she is not over the ex, she still wants to be in contact with him and she is not really fully emotionally available for you.

 

Whether you want to proceed is up to you. Sounds like you want to change her mind and change her heart and make her fall for you over the ex. Not sure if it's because you honestly think she can be an amazing partner and is worth all your headache down the road, or it's just your self esteem that you want to "win" over the ex.

[preraph]

I would just add, Righton, that even though she acts like he "just ghosted her" after nine years, she probably knows exactly why he went away because they had a really long history. Whether it was another woman or she did something, she's keeping it pretty vague but who can buy that after 9 years "he just ghosted me." Nuh-uh. He may have broken up with her and blocked HER and thus she says he ghosted her. But if there is any element of truth to him just going poof, then she is definitely going to be reaching out to him.

[Gretchen12]

Agree with the above. You can't ghost someone you're in a LTR with because you know where he lives, works, his relatives. If such a person goes missing, you report it to the police. Ghosting is referring to people you met online or by chance, you only know his number or email and don't know where he lives. If you know where he lives you can go knock on his door.

 

9 years is a long time. How long ago did he leave her? She may not tell you the truth about that. Did you meet her online? Did she go OLD soon after he left her? You are in the honeymoon stage so you don't know. Wait until something goes wrong, then you'll see if she runs or tries to work through it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh yeah just to add to the allure of the ex, apparently because of his sex addiction he was like the best thing ever in bed. That motivated me to go extra hard and crazy last night and it freakin' worked. She even said at the end that she _definitely_ now had no interest in ever going back. Which made me happy but also made me think, "so there was some interest before just now?"

 

All of this is...not good.

 

The fact that she even revealed he was amazing in bed is a major ref flag. You then competing with him in the sack, and her telling you that now she definitely doesn't want to go back? Dude. Where is your pride?

 

"Going extra hard and crazy last night" didn't freakin' work. Notice how the measuring stick is still him, and she had the cojones to bring him up again? All you did was remind her of him. And she is foolish enough to actually verbalize it and make it all about the sex.

 

She isn't over him, OP. Not by a long shot.

[chillii]

Damn social media or whatever you call that garbage, an ex shouldn't be about to see and poke around in your life like that all these years later.

l dunno , seems to me if she's not interested and your so important to her then she would happily block him , did you ask ?

As far as any woman crapping onto me about how good and ex was in bed and how much he spent of her, l dunno , l'd be pretty put off by her character un even mentioning those things , and wth is she like in bed anyway, not that l wanna know but those types are often lousy themselves , not to say she is but you know.

l'd never compete with anyone you know, if a person doesn't have us above all others goods with bads then somethings not right, let her do some work and make it better herself then.

Sorry but that's just the downsides l hear in her but then l am what l am and there's certain stuff really gets on my goat.

Not to say about the rest though , she sounds as keen as you in many ways and l wouldn't go throwing it away just yet but l'd be asking her why doesn't she just block him and be wanting to see things in how she is with me that shows me l'm far more important, number one in fact, anything less is not good enough l'm afraid.

Good luck anyway.

Edited July 31, 2019 by chillii

[GoreSP]

If I were giving some dude advice, I'd say she's going to do what she's going to do and there's not a damn thing I can do about it other than trying to keep being a better option. But I figured I'd ask for some advice as well.

 

This is actually great advice but :

 

I did in fact ask that question when it happened last night and the answer didn't make much sense. I don't remember the exact words but it sounded like it was a "pride thing" or something, like she didn't even want to acknowledge him or something of that sort. And yeah she probably does want to hear it from him; I probably would too after being together that long.

 

The way snapchat works, when someone looks at the snaps you sent, the sender gets a notification.

Unless it changed in the last year and a half since I deleted that crap, she can simply delete him from his contacts and she won't receive his pictures. On his end, he will be able to send but he will never get the notification she read them.

 

The whole pride thing, IMO, is bull****. Watching his snaps IS acknowledging him because he knows she is watching them.

 

Now, my personal advice is, make it very clear you are not comfortable with her being in contact with this guy. This is very valid. You haven't met him and she is in contact with him on snapchat, where this is conveniently no track of exchanges.

As the new partner, you get to say it makes you uncomfortable and if she wants the relationship to work, she should respect that.

 

I don't care how much she says the relationship was meaningful and 9 years long; the dude obviously didn't care about the 9 year relationship when he ghosted her...

 

As someone who has been in a relationship where the exes were a problem the entire time, If it bothers you now, even a little, it will only get worse and it will cause the end of the relationship.

[GoreSP]

I second what alpha says. I was put into the same situation a few years ago with a girl I dated, and I don't think I ever managed to pry her away from that guy. I didn't know who in the heck she was hanging out with until she told me. Hopefully, she'll stick with you and won't go back to this guy, but I'm telling you from experience, it didn't end well for me. It was a blessing in disguise in the end, but I lost her.

 

This. I was in a relationship with someone who was in constant contact with his most recent ex, whom he kept as orbiters. The entire time I was trying to 'be the better option'

After I broke up with him, the concept of 'microcheating' started coming up on the web.

He also ended up sleeping with the first one and briefly dated the second one in the three months after our break up.

 

OP will burn out trying to be better than the other guy.

[kendahke]

In the absence of her blocking dude from sending her anything on any platform--I mean, if she's that pissed at him, why leave the electronic door open for him to re-enter?--I'd slow my roll with her.

 

He'd been gone and now that there's a "disturbance in the force", he's come back to reclaim his property or something? On some level, she may have been hoping for this outcome, hence her not taking the initiative to block him.

 

Question for you: did she block him after the last incident?

[Sunlight72]

My take on this is that she's using this snapchat crap to test you. She's put you in competition with her ex.

 

You need to flip that sh*t around. Find a way to tell her that you can take her or leave her, and the way she's playing this crap with her ex and comparing you to him has got you thinking you should be leaving.

 

Make her compete for YOU. She should be proving herself to YOU.

 

Look at the facts. You rock her world. You're the best in bed. You're giving her the time of her life outside the bedroom. Just by being yourself. You don't need to up your game. You are a fking prize for her, and if she wants to keep being blessed with the gift of rightondude, she needs to step up and win you over.

 

Be aware, from what you describe, this one is going to be lots of fun, and also full of the push-pull. Enjoy it, and keep the rest of your life full, because she's likely to screw it up with some childish BS sooner or sooner.

 

Consider this a great 6 month ride coming up - and ride it like you are the bull at the rodeo. When her sh*t goes sideways, stand up, snort twice, and walk off.

Edited July 31, 2019 by Sunlight72

[GoreSP]

 

Make her compete for YOU. She should be proving herself to YOU.

 

 

Yeah that never works. Both people deserve to be with someone who chose them, and want to make the relationship work. There should be no competition for either, that's exhausting!

 

It just seems, in this case that OP's girl isn't quite ready to make that choice

[Versacehottie]

Spot on and I did in fact say similar. I used the analogy of a dog.

 

Before this guy, she was married to someone in which there was no love. Then she found this guy and they were together for close to a decade. Then he did the ghosting.

 

I said it sounded like a puppy that was beat down by it's first owner, then someone rescues it, treats it well, then that person throws it out of the house and locks the door. You wanna go back to that? Sure it was good when you were in the house, but that guy threw you out and turned his back on you....you really wanna go back to that?

 

Sorry my last answer had a lot of typos but also when a person has a secret life it's jarring like in an ugly way. Coupled with the type of secret life he had and that after 9 years of trust he turned his back on her and threw her out, it's a bit depraved. It sucks because things could go either way since on her end there is probably a residual f*cked up mindset for having been entangled in that and confused in the aftermath.

 

I'm not usually one for forcing someone's hand but I almost think suggesting she block him on snapchat is something you should consider doing. Before YOU invest more in her, you have to see her willingness to shut that door. This is not jealousy based (seriously the other guy other than his ability to float his girl some cash is a loser) but rather a boundary or a test before you invest further. Although by no means should you make it seem like that or like an ultimatum. I would state your position as a suggestion and as your hesitation to get further involved with her. it's a simple thing if this contact is bothering her and messing things up with you, she should have no problem doing it--truly whether or not you were in the picture. If she's hanging on it will be hard for her to do, or she may take the behavior underground which might show you some suspicious behavior from her. Suggest and observe IMO. I'm 75/25 on whether you should do this. I'm 100% on if she keeps mentioning him, you need to switch into the mode where you protect your heart.

 

I think f*cked up people like her ex, leave a trail of damage that affects many people in his wake. This is a good example of that. Ok good luck

[Versacehottie]

Watching his snaps IS acknowledging him because he knows she is watching them.

 

 

This is sooooo true. She is validating his existence and his renewed interest by watching them. She could leave them unopened and let them expire or delete and block him rather than validate him, which gives him the impression he has a chance with her (perhaps accurately).

 

Do not be collateral damage in their sh*tshow.

[preraph]

You know how exes are. If they're the dumper, yeah, they're fine and dandy until they see the ex has a new love interest, and then they very often have the "don't want her/him but don't want anyone else to have them" mindset and they go right in to see if they can still pull him/her back in, which they often can. At least for sex, because women fall for it thinking it means something that it doesn't.

 

So I think you may be the first time he's felt the possessiveness since the breakup, since he walked away or whatever happened. That's all. But I believe if she was the dumpee, she will fall for it. Because dumpees always have to humiliate themselves and get rejected again before they get it.

[OatsAndHall]

This thread is a perfect example of what can happen when the door isn't shut on exes. You two have a good thing going on but now there's drama and frustration being created by an ex. Drama that absolutely isn't necessary and could be headed off by the click of a button. I get it, this can be a grey area and there's contact that is necessary.

 

 

 

My ex-gf had to keep some contact with an ex because they were still slightly intertwined financially (he had cosigned on her car). She was very clear about why she kept in touch with him after we the "ex talk" and I was kosher with it. I trusted her and the situation wasn't shady at the time. But, a few months in, he started calling her out of the blue (twice while we were hanging out) and she would get upset about it.

 

 

 

So, I reiterated the personal boundary that I had established when we became exclusive; I'm not cool with casual contact with exes. I don't care if he's initiating all of the contact, I'm not okay with it. He didn't need her phone number or her availability on social media to keep in touch about the vehicle. He needed ONE email address and that was it. I told her as much and that's the route that she went with it.

 

 

But, that's just me and how I handle "exes". If the contact isn't necessary than my mantra is "An ex is an ex for a reason." There have been situations described on this site where I would make exceptions but they are few and far between. That majority of the stories I read about exes on here have just reaffirmed my stance.

[schlumpy]

Because dumpees always have to humiliate themselves and get rejected again before they get it.

 

Everyone has a learning curve.