Author Lamartine Posted July 30, 2019 Author Posted July 30, 2019 Also, I have known him for longer than the year and a half we have been dating. We were friends (through a mutual friend) when we were both still dating. Of course, there were no romantic undertones then. He was actually a very good friend to me when I was suffering after the death of my husband. 1
alphamale Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Also, I have known him for longer than the year and a half we have been dating. We were friends (through a mutual friend) when we were both still dating. Of course, there were no romantic undertones then. He was actually a very good friend to me when I was suffering after the death of my husband. does he know that you are independently wealthy?
PRW Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 How to you know that you will outlive him. It could be the other way around and he might be caring for you. 1
notbroken Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 You should definitely figure out why you are seeking men so much older than you. Honestly, one of those relationships had to be hard enough. Why do two? I'm sorry, but it is just too risky. He is NOT a good long term partner for you. Twenty years when you are 37 is a long time and huge differences in health and position in life for most people. Stick to men +-5 years your age and you will likely be better off in the long term. If I was your Dad, I'd be VERY suspicious of the new guy. Sounds like he isn't financially stable and most likely WILL have health issues way before you. You've paid your dues. Don't do it again. 3
alphamale Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 If I was your Dad, I'd be VERY suspicious of the new guy. Sounds like he isn't financially stable and most likely WILL have health issues way before you. You've paid your dues. Don't do it again. well said notbroken 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Like my 82 year old mother says, it's better to have a "gentleman friend" than being stuck with a husband/live-in BF that drains you and your bank account. What I see is a guy looking out for his best interest.....find someone that can bring more to the table. Plus you have only known him for a year....that isn't long enough to truly know someone...stop making life decisions with your emotions. Amen times three. I also see it as gigantic red flag that he's inviting himself to move in with you. In my book, that's not what a quality man does. A quality man offers what he has to the woman, rather than trying to sponge off what she has. My last boyfriend, the first boyfriend I ever had who was in a weaker financial position that I am, also tried to wedge himself into my house. It always gave me an uneasy feeling that he was all about moving into my turf, rather than offering his own. It seemed loser-ish and was a big turnoff. Of course he's understanding about your depression. It doesn't affect his gravy train. If anything, it helps because it gets you more emotionally enmeshed, more willing to give what you have to him. 1
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I suffer fairly serious depression that has given me h*** since my husband's death, and my BF has been completely supportive and understanding about it. Yes and so would any other man who stands to gain as much as this guy does with you in his latter years. You are his way out of a deep financial hole, of course he is going to offer that shoulder to cry on... He is 57 already... You are selling yourself short. It is not your job to rescue struggling old guys. Are you a "people pleaser"? 1
preraph Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 You don't have to go the whole nine yards with every guy you date, you know. You're allowed to just date and not take on the responsibility. And that's what you should probably do. I hope you do meet someone younger and let someone be on equal footing with you growing older so you can help each other.
FMW Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 You're smart, you know all the ins and outs of this situation. You have to go with your own gut. If you're not up for taking the chance on being a nurse (and a purse) again, then don't. But as another poster said, life is short and love doesn't come around every day. I would be likely to take the chance, but then again I haven't had to suffer through the heartbreak of watching the man I love die as you have. Only you know what you can handle and what will make you happy. 1
schlumpy Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) However, I am terrified of going through another situation like the one I experienced with my husband. It nearly killed me. You are allowing one, albeit powerful, experience in your life to set up relationship roadblocks. Rationally you know that no one can predict the future and the next challenging life event could belong to you with him playing the nurse maid. It could happen if you marry someone close to your age. It's just a chance you have to take - or not. It's up to you. Best Wishes Edited July 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
chillii Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) Well , who knows. My ex w was 11yrs younger than me but l spent 10yrs of our marriage looking after her. Not that l'm recentful or regrets l don't mean it in that way , that's what you do if your wife or hub is sick, just sayin it can happen to anyone. My gf is 8yrs younger than me but she has heaps of health problems, still , she's a great girl we have a great thing and she'd do whatever she had to for me and if it came to the same again later with her of course l'd do it. My dad spent half their marriage looking after mum, she was was 8yrs younger than him and she went first. Not saying you should or shouldn't , just saying there's no guarantees with anyone he or she. When l was single every girl l met, late 40s and early 50s , had all kinds of things breaking down , even the fit ones. Your sitch , l really don't know after all that , sorry , it's something you have to personally decide l guess.l can well understand what the kind of thing you went through before takes out of you , it's a tough call. Edited July 30, 2019 by chillii 2
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Yes, young people can get ill and need looking after and yes there are 95yos who are as fit as fiddles, but a guy who is 20 years older and is already 57 is much more likely to need help long before your average 37yo guy. It is all about probability and likelihood. 1
Flame Aura Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 So you have admitted to being there already, done that already, told yourself you would not do it again and now you are thinking about doing it again?? Learn from past mistakes, don't make the same one again. 3
Kitty Tantrum Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I have no hesitation about being with an older man, even knowing it's likely that I'll outlive him by quite a bit and will be taking care of him a lot in his later years (nobody can say for sure, but heredity strongly suggests it). But I'm coming from a different position and perspective. I grew up in poverty, and my fiancé isn't well off but he provides a measure of security and stability that I wouldn't have on my own, in addition to all the particulars and perks of love and companionship. There's no question in my mind about whether I'll be in a better position by the time he's an old man than I would have been in on my own - barring some unforeseen catastrophe. I don't think anybody wants love and relationships to be about economics, but they are. He has to bring SOMETHING to your life that makes it worth going all-in (which living together kinda is, marriage or not). It sounds like you're offering him a lot more than he's offering you - otherwise you wouldn't be questioning this. Only you can decide if what he's got to offer is worth it. The considerations are different when you're the person with more to give. Don't cut your heart out of the equation and make all your decisions by the numbers, but do be cautious. Look at the factors that truly inform reality, such as his present health and ability to make your life qualitatively better, whether he has a viable plan for living independently, is generally responsible with his finances (behaviors are more important than income - is he a mooch?), etc. That being said, the traditional wedding vows where people promise in poverty and wealth/in sickness and health are there for a reason - because in practical terms, when you choose to share your life with someone, you're signing up to roll the dice. Case in point: I was bitten by a tick and I got Lyme disease - and my fiancé had to take care of me as though I were both alternately and concurrently a stubborn old lady and a helpless child - for nearly two years, before the right combination of antibiotics (seems to have) killed it. I had to quit my job, and I gained forty pounds. That's not exactly what he signed up for when he fell in with a hot little thing fifteen years his junior who seemed to be trucking along with the weight of the world on her shoulders like she didn't even care. He doesn't seem to have resented it in the least. I'm a burden well worth carrying - to HIM. To many men, I would not be. You can't predict who will be a burden or not, but you can probably tell who is LIKELY to be - it's based on more than age, but HISTORY gives plenty of hints. And you can decide who is worth it. I think now that you've been through that once, you're wise to approach taking it on again with caution. I don't know that I would choose to do that twice in a lifetime. On the other hand, I love men and I can't imagine living without one for a long time unless I was going to be a nun or something. 2
emeraldgreen Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Agreed with Kitty on a few points. Commonly when a woman dates older dudes, it's - besides the company, life experience etc - because they represent some measure of stability. They've raised their kids, reached some comfort financially, and pose less of a risk in dependability. You might be attracted to older guys because you have a good relationship with your dad and seek some of those qualities, but this guy ain't it. There are still some very real possibilities that things in his life go pear-shaped even before health becomes a concern. You've been through enough and don't deserve to downgrade your expectations because of age or depression. 1
NomiMalone Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 You can still have a close, fulfilling relationship without taking that step of moving in together. My last partner was a man older than I was, in a weaker financial position (that went even further downhill when he was made redundant at his job.) Although I was mainly ok with being the “provider” for us, it got old in the end. Although I was capable of supporting us both, I felt like he took advantage of me financially. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) op I have questions how important is it to you to be "married and living together" to a great guy you love and loves you back? are you open to being a long term girlfriend that is not going to marry or live with your boyfriend? if being married and living with the man you love is very important to you and your not willing to negotiate that well then my next question is your concern with this guy is having to take care of him again physically to the point that you have to quit your career again? if so knowing your financial position compared to his which im sure you knew before you fell in love maybe would you be open to hiring a caretaker if it came down to it or would you take issue? because imo if your issue is you want to be married and live with your husband, you dont want to have to be is nurse, AAAAAAANNNNDDD (not or) your not willing to pay for a caretaker in the event his health fails then sadly you have to let him go. what you dont do is follow your heart yet sign up for a reality what will make you unhappy. if you can be clear on your absolute no can dos then you might can come up with a solution that you might be open to towards making this relationship work with a boyfriend who is amazing to you and loves you (I only recommend considering these alternatives for a man who is amazing to you and loves you. nothing less please Op). or it will clearly reveal to you that it wont work and that you have to let him go. so if you can take the time and share what your absolute "I am not doing that" would be concerning your fears. like take your fears and lets make it reality. "I am afraid his health will fail early, I am afraid I will have to take care of him and quite my job, I am afraid he will drain all my money..." well make that true. say his health will fail, he will need to be cared for, you will have to be the provider. what about that "reality" is a no go for you. what about that reality is a "I can deal if it came to it". figure that out and if you know it please share with us and maybe we can better help with an informed decision on what to do. because it may or may not have to be a cut and dry saying bye to your honey..... like help us help you because I am hearing everybody else tales of impending doom but I havent really heard your deal breakers. I hear your fears but I am not hearing your hell nos lol. what I think your deal breakers I am hearing from you is more so you having to take care of him and you having to quit your career. thats the only deal breakers I really am hearing from you. if those are the only two well there may be some options. I am not clear on your position of you being the wealthier one out of the two. I am not clear on your position on being married and living together... so if you can please share that information Edited July 31, 2019 by Curiousroxy86 1
elaine567 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 The problem with caring for the long term sick and elderly is that it is not only the physical toll, which can indeed be mopped up by paid carers, it is the emotional toll and the stress that is often the real killer. The OP has hardly given herself enough time to get over her husband's death before leaping into another dare I say it "similar" relationship. I think "rebound" and now she is looking for reasons to justify dumping him. But it is perfectly OK to do so. NO point in putting up with "less", just because you are frightened of being alone or because he is a "great guy". Let him be a great guy to someone else. He quickly took the opportunity to comfort a rich "grieving widow" and now he wants to put his feet under the table... Be very careful. 2
alphamale Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 You can still have a close, fulfilling relationship without taking that step of moving in together. My last partner was a man older than I was, in a weaker financial position (that went even further downhill when he was made redundant at his job.) Although I was mainly ok with being the “provider” for us, it got old in the end. Although I was capable of supporting us both, I felt like he took advantage of me financially. ^t^h^i^s^.
BlondeSusane Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Hello LoveShack community! As so many of you have provided me with helpful advice in the past, I hope you might be able to shed some light on a current dilemma for me. A quick background: I was married, in my early thirties, to a man twenty years my senior. He became extremely sick, aged very fast, and I became a full time nurse, quitting my job as an attorney to take care of him. While I loved him dearly, the countless hospital stays, painful symptoms, and his slow deterioration as well as the fact that I was no longer a wife so much as a caretaker was very difficult for me. I would never take back my time with him, but, after his death a little more than two years ago, my health suffered, and I have struggled to rebuild my life and career. I told myself that I would date men my own age, but I had little luck with them. Even in their late thirties and early forties, they still seemed to be playing games and wanting nothing but to sleep around. One, who claimed to be in love with and faithful to me age me a nasty (but thankfully curable) STD. I ended up dating another man 20 years older than I am. We have been together for a year and a half. He is faithful, honest, hard-working, sensitive, and a generally wonderful partner. I love him deeply. He now wants to move in with me. Because he has four children in college and an alimony payment, I am able to afford a much more comfortable standard of living, so we would live in my apartment. I would love to have him with me every day. However, I am terrified of going through another situation like the one I experienced with my husband. It nearly killed me. If I cannot move forward with my current relationship, I may have to end it in fairness to him. Would you find it worth it to risk a repeat of a traumatic situation with an older man in order to keep an amazing partner? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Peace, Lamartine When My boyfriend and I began our relationship I had just turned 22 and he was 33 almost 34. When I met him he was legally separated but hadn't applied for a divorce and didn't until just before our son was born. He keeps himself in good shape, he's very muscular, fit and good looking. He also keeps my toes curled!
elaine567 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 When My boyfriend and I began our relationship I had just turned 22 and he was 33 almost 34. When I met him he was legally separated but hadn't applied for a divorce and didn't until just before our son was born. He keeps himself in good shape, he's very muscular, fit and good looking. He also keeps my toes curled! Huge difference between a 33yo and a 57yo, and an 11 year and a 20 year age gap. Your guy though "old" compared to you, is still biologically young. Come back when you are 46, see how "young" your guy is then. The 50s is considered "sniper alley", it is when ill health starts taking pot shots at all of us.
alphamale Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 The 50s is considered "sniper alley", it is when ill health starts taking pot shots at all of us. I would totally agree with that elaine567
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I would also agree that 33 years old is the prime of life. There is a whole lot of living to be done before the age difference becomes troublesome. Youth really is wasted on the young.
kendahke Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 (Haven't read the thread-posting from the initial post) he has four children in college and an alimony payment, I'd wait until his children are out of school and he's done paying alimony before letting him move in. It will be far easier on you when he's no longer dragging around that financial ball and chain and leaning on/using up your resources because of bad planning on his part. 1
BrennaR Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Something about this "caretaking" is attractive to you or you wouldn't be considering it. I would explore more in therapy why you have the need to enter a relationship with complicated age dynamics. And why you're discounting men that are your equals. Perhaps you do not actually feel equal to them? Deserving of their love and are rather focused on "controlling" the outcome? I would take a year in my own therapy to explore these issues and not move in with this older man at this stage. 37-38 is plenty young to be dating and you will absolutely find someone your own age, when you are open and ready.
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