I dated his bestfriend and now we aren't friends

[unsafe]

I met a guy about 2 years ago. I thought we were going to date but we didn't at first that it. We were friends for over 6 months before he finally asked me out on a real date and kissed me. Things seem to be going well and then he just dropped a bomb saying he had never met anyone like me but that I am not the kind of girl you can just have fun with and we both knew it wasn't going to work long term between us because we wanted different things. I wanted marriage someday and he didn't. So we ended and were just friends. Then after a couple of months he came back saying he wanted a second chance beause he really cared about me. Now this time I gave him another chance because we were such good friends and I did love him. We were doing great till he started to pull away and I felt like I was putting all my feelings into something he was pulling himself out of. So I talked to him about it and we broke things off and decided to just be friends again. He said he didn't want to get hurt blah blah blah.

 

So just friends again. About 9 months later I am hanging out with him and his friends and his hot friend hits on me. Tells me all the things a girl wants to here and seems sincere. He asked if I was interested I said I was but I didn't think it was cool because of his friend and I's history. He said that he had talked to him and he said it was cool. Saying he and I are just friends and he doesn't like for me that way. I asked my friend and he seemed to not care. I thought is he putting up a front or does he not really care. So I gave it some time and came to realize maybe he never did care that way. So I dated his friend for 4 months. Come to find out the friend was dating and getting back together with his ex while we were trying to start something. At this point my friend and his friend came to me asking why we went through all the trouble to date just to let it go. I was like this isn't on me. He was the one two timing me.

 

About a week later my friend or who I thought was my friend imed me on the computer to tell me he might as well not talk to me anymore. and that was that. I didn't ask why because he was being such a jerk about it. Telling me that I was getting old to him anyway. I mean what a jerk. And now i miss my friend so much. I loved him, I mean as my friend. I know he and I wouldn't have worked out but I wanted him as my friend and I was willing to look past his crappy friend to still be friends with him. But maybe in reality he was way to hurt by me dating his friend he can't be my friend? I miss him so.....

[loveisallaround]

I've been in a similar situation.

 

I had a whirlwind affair that ended five months ago. We didn't date that long, but the chemistry was electric and we quickly became best friends. Seemingly out of the blue he said he didn't want to see me anymore but wanted to remain friends.

 

Struggling to find out what the hell just happened, I spent the next few weeks in light contact with him. He could never give me a direct answer. He seemed to lash out at me "You are the last person I expected this from" et al.

 

As the months have past, he's demonstrated to me how jealous, rude and plain manipulative person he can be. Don't get me wrong, I'll always have a certain love for the guy but the way he treated me post relationship was completly miserable.

 

I'd advise you to do what I did: Suck it up and break the ties. Obviously, what you're doing isn't working. I'm not saying do not talk to him. I'm not saying hate his guts. I'm not saying you'll never get back together. I'm definitely not an advocate for NC (especially if it's out of spite) but you'll have to drop the baggage before you get to the airport, so they say.

 

It's ****ing horribly hard losing a best friend. But if someone is treating you badly or being a jerk - which, by the way is probably motivated from guilt, insecurity or sense of loss - you've got to put a stop to it. Not doing so would make you a doormat.

[In Sync]

loveisallaround,

can you give me some feedback. I've been reading some of your post and would like some feedback. Ok, I'll try my best to give you the picture. Obviously I'm having a hard time coping with my ended relationship. I me my ex-lover 2yrs ago. Anyway, we started out as friends, and then through his charm and charisma I fell for his. We became sexual, but though he never wanted to label us bf and gf we talked, emailed ung out together. His personality did change though, very hot and cold. He'd get angry and often I'd experience his burst of anger but I would appease him and try to overlook it. He not contact me and disappear and when I asked was everything all right he'd say I was paranoid. I always made excuses because I refused to see him any other way than how he was when we first met and got together. sex was a major part and when we were intimate he was more attentative but cool after. The more I wasnted to see him the more he pulled away. Finally he called it off but after I noticed he was really be evasive..he met someone. I was crushed. This was in April. It was then he did coninue to remain in contact saying we could be friends. I felt I had to keep up a front

and save face just to not let him know how devastated I was. He e-mailed and I feigned I was doing alright. About three months after apparently he ended that other relationship and resume seeing me. I was still hung up on the guy and like a drug continue to see him. Not that the amounts of time increased but occasional hot sex and occassional e-mails. well almost 2 weeks ago it really came to a head. He read a journal of mine detailing the things I felt truthfully unhappy with, while being with him. Apparently the things I wrote touched a nerve and he was pissed. I was besides myself trying to keep him in my life and not letting. He finally calmed down and said ok he would not cut the friendship and he's written a few times but now no more words from him. nada. I won't contact. Still I'm dismayed that he's gone. This story is rather condensed but that the jest of it.

I'm struggling with letting go of what, someone who didn't love me so why am I not letting go? What am I holding onto? I'm lost.

[loveisallaround]

You're definitely right, you were treating him like a drug. We've all done it at one time or another, but just like a cocaine addiction, does it ever result in anything formidable? Of course not!

 

Sometimes the hardest part is deciphering what you're holding onto or what lesson has presented itself to you. What you're doing currently is obviously not working. Thus, another course of action is probably the correct one.

 

I sense you're probably holding on to something still. You've got to throw everything out the window. Yes, you can have compassion for him. Yes, you can still talk to him. And yes, you two might work things out and become friends again, or perhaps lovers.

 

His actions obviously show some sort of hurt. Despite how cold he might seem sometimes, emotions won't go away overnight. It's just not going to happen. This is about YOU now thought, not him.

 

Take this chance to eliminate the negative trait(s) that (a) caused him hurt, and (b) got you into this situation into the first place. Remember, cause and effect governs our lives. Regardless if you believe in this from a spiritual stance or not. When you truly learn your lesson, your pain/suffering will vanish and if you remember you lesson, you'll never have to repeat it again.

 

I really hope this helps. This year has been a rollarcoaster ride for me. It's truly difficult putting this kind of advice into action, but it's very much worth it. It took super human willpower on my part to turn my chaos into order - and I'm only halfway there - but it can be done.

 

Good Luck, and if you need anymore feedback, I'd be glad to help you.

 

P.S. Sorry to hijack this thread! I tried to PM but it didn't work.

[In Sync]

I too apologize for hijacking this thread.

loveisallaround,

I've really thought about what you have written. And I'm not resisting I'm just not clear about what you mean when you say eliminate the negative traits that cause him hurt. How can I do that. I suppose my dependance on him was negative in that I needed him? Needed him for companionship. Maybe my desire to be with him was negative? How I got into the situation was my need not to be lonely. Well that's where I see that's my problem, although in the early stages I really enjoyed being with him but when he shifted and cooled off it was confusing...why was he one moment into being me and then totally pull away. It made me want him more. My ego could not accept rejection? Or loneliness again. I don't know. Whenever I say loneliness it sounds odd, I didn't cut off contact from my friends and acquaintences just to be with him..but he did become a fulltime preoccupation of trying to keep him in my life. I keep examining and turning over and mulling over what my lesson is/was...aside from fear of rejection, but that seems just a superficial answer..I don't know what the deeper lesson is. Learning to let go and not fight chaos. I put so much of my energy into finding closure and I just haven't found answer and its like I wish I had an 'Ah hah' moment and I could get past this inner turmoil.

Yes, whatever insight you can provide I look forward to reading it.

[unsafe]

WEll I guess my first post has nothing to do with what its coming out to be. And granted I stated that I was missing and hurting my friend. And my friend and I use to be lovers we dated off and on for a year and a half and what you just described as your relationship was completely almost the same thing I went through. But read a book called he is just not that into you. He might have feelings for you he might actually care and think you are a great person. I believe my guy felt that way about me. But he had so many issues under and out in the open that it was causes so much pain and hurt and crap between us the relationship couldn't full develop into what it could or should have been. There for it wasn't going to work. You deserve better. You deserve a man who knows he wants to be with you and knows how great you are and knows that even though life sucks and he has issues and been through **** maybe been abused or heart broken before. He can't let you get away because you are that special one of a kind and so perfect for him. And this guy isn't it. he is your drug dont get me wrong when I was dating my friend everyone told him he was my drug we would even joke about how we just couldnt' walk away from each other. But drugs are not healthy for you And either is this guy. Walk away for good and keep yourself busy. He really needs to get his **** together and stop being so hot and cold because that isn't fair to you. And if some other girl is stupid enought to put up with his crap let her. because you aren't.. You know what you deserve if you didn't you wouldn't be here right now.

 

It hurts and its hard look at me in the end my guy was just my friend and when it ended a week ago I was devestated. Our friendship was over. And I am hurting really bad over it. But time heals all. Just keep moving forward no turning back. Life is to short to let someone waste your time like this. I am learning the hard way and maybe thats the only way to learn. so you really get it.

 

good luck...

[In Sync]

You deserve better. You deserve a man who knows he wants to be with you and knows how great you are and knows that even though life sucks and he has issues and been through **** maybe been abused or heart broken before. He can't let you get away because you are that special one of a kind and so perfect for him. And this guy isn't it.

 

unsafe

It's amazing how people on this website/thread such as yourself, have insight that's so clear and on point and I have never even met any of you face to face. I sat back and read your post over and over as I did with loveisallaround, and clarity is beginning to come over me. I read something a today that stated to the effect, how we all place meaning on something determines our response to a situation. I think I internalized my ex-lover's behavior his "rejection" of me and began to think "what's wrong with me?" That's where my thinking was skewed..there is nothing wrong with me..I deserve better treatment from everyone including a lover. Granted I kept trying to get him to love me back and would keep going to him for it...now I see my wanting love isn't a fault, my attempts at going to him was causing my heartache and distress. He was not the man for me. Simply put. He was not the right man to handle my love nor was he capable of being loving, his anger, hot and coldness distance was evidence that he lacked that capacity. This revelation is slowly dawning on me and eases the frustration of trying to sort this pain out.

[unsafe]

I'm glad I could help even if it only helps you feel better for a little while. I have had to realize this over time. Maybe you wont waste as much time as I did. There are the good ones that are fun, loving, happy, and rough around the edges out there that will be all and more the you could have ever asked for. Just don't give up because one or two guys were jerks to you. Let them one day be miserable and get the Karma coming to them. You move on and get the respect and love you deserve. just keep your chin up. And its crazy how people on this site can help you but its true and thats why its here. Thank GOD!.....

[In Sync]

unsafe-

Really much thanks to you for responding to my post on your thread. I walk around this city (NYC) and feel I'm carry this invisible load around. No one knows I'm hurting. And coming to this site I realize how many people are going through the same stuff and trying to figure out how someone they were with could cause so much heartache. Each of us trusted these people and then its over. We just want answers. And the persons whom we really want answers from are unavailable (emotionally) or have left without a word or explanation so we are confused on top of being hurt. Its downright emotionally abusive the way people have been dumped. For my own inner peace I have to find a way to l go on in spite of this disillusionment I'm going through.

[loveisallaround]

Sometimes we just have to find our own closure. As you said In_Sync, most of time our exes leave without a word spoken, concerned with only themselves. Live and let live, if thats the way they want to lead their lives, it's completly up to them. Sooner or later, however, the laws of cause and effect - both spiritually and scientifically speaking - will catch up with them. Emotionally void and self absorbed behaviour eventually reaps what it sows.

 

With that said, however, we've all planted the seeds to the misfortune we experienced. If we continiue the behaviour that landed us in these situations in the first place - and it always starts with us - we will continually experience the same old scenarios. But if we change, our circumstances are bound to change. Change always begins from within.

 

It's not until the past few weeks where my healing has excelled. I went through the hardest breakup of my life with a man who was my bestfriend. I opted to go the NC route at first but soon after decided not to. Although he rebounded with manipulative, rude behaviour towards me, I faced the pain head on. I sucked it up and went strolling forward. Without him.

 

We talk now. Not much. Due to his behaviour, I made a proactive decision to completly cut him from my life. He's not blocked from my existance as I'll always hold some sort of love for him and help him if he needed a hand. The world is abound with negative energy, no reason to add to it.

 

Both of you are on the right track. You've got it within your grasp.

[In Sync]

I think and I'm doing a lot of soul searching...my seed that I planted was not honouring myself. I literally denied who I was in order to keep this man in my life. I allowed his rude behavior towards me by making up excuses that if I overlooked his unkindness he would change and want to be with me. The things I accepted in order to "be" with him were downright awful. Yet I was so sure he'd see that if I didn't "bitch back" he'd appreciate me. I literally lowered my esteem...that was my seed I planted. This is a destructive pattern I seriously need to change...appeasement.

[loveisallaround]

You definitely got it together fast!

 

Now that you know it was a seed YOU planted, you can take accountability. And by taking accountability it all changes now!

 

I'm noticing some similarities between my most recent breakup and yours. I literally gave myself up too. It was hard because after the breakup I didn't have him or myself. And I always thought self knowledge and understanding was my strong suit! The universe sure ripped me a new one! Ha!

 

Seriously though, if you ever need to talk, I'm here. I sense the similarities I experienced could definitely help you out.

[In Sync]

I literally started to cry after reading some of the other post, and this is just one day, of people struggling through their heartaches. I get it now, how I lived with so much denial. In one of your earlier posts replies you wrote:

Sometimes the hardest part is deciphering what you're holding onto or what lesson has presented itself to you.

I don't know. I don't now if its the memories of the good times before things went sour, or am I still wishing that if I just had a chance to change the past. It's the feeling like I want a chance to fix things and make it right. Not accepting the fact there is no correcting the past. What would make him so hostile by just cutting off so cold. I never gave him any reason to behave so cowardly towards me like that. Never argued back never yelled at him and the times I was angry I tended to swallow it. You see I know I should just move on and etc. But these are the questions that plague my mind again and again.

[unsafe]

NSync all I can tell you is .....IT WASN'T YOU!!!!!!!

IT WASN'T YOU, IT WASN'T YOU, IT WASN'T YOU!!!!!!!

It was HIM...HIM...HIM..HIM!

 

Now stop trying to fix the past it was out of your control you did the best you could. You did what you felt in your heart was the best thing to do. He took advantage of you. You shouldn't be sad or loney or missing hiim or wanting him to want to be with you. You can be sad, I understand that feeling just let it out. BUT, BIG BUT, You should be happy you don't have to deal with such abuse. You should be happy you have the chance to be with someone who will cherish you and show you they do.

 

We all think we could have done something else or better it would be ok we would still be together? NO it wasn't meant to be. The person you were with has issues and to many for you to deal with or it would have worked out. They can't handle themselves. He left in a cold and quite way because he was ashamed of his behavior he was immature and didn't know how to deal with it in an adult way. He had to run and hide because he is a loser. Because he had a great thing and he ****ed it up. And he doesn't know how to fix it. He doesn't want to fix it.

 

Just be glad you are free of someone who makes you feel like crap! focus on yourself..Where do you want to go from here, where do you do want to be, who do you want to be? Better yourself so next time a guy like this comes into your life you see the redflags right away and you walk away. He isn't ready for what you want. He needs to grow up and learn to respect the woman in his life and himself.

 

You are lucky he left or you might be stupid enought to put up with his crap for longer or maybe should I say it forever! and thats called SETTLING!!!! and you dont' want to do that. Because if you did in 5 years, 10 years, maybe even 20 you might wake up and say why am I here I am not happy, you might cheat he might cheat, there are so many things you could imagine happining but good times would be few and far between because he needs to work through his issues. And if he wanted your help he would have asked you!...

 

I hope this makes sense. Please don't ponder over him. Its just a waste of your time. I was you at one point. And I hate to see you go through such pain! This isnt your fault. I promise!

[In Sync]

unsafe-

I was being absurd. Of course I get it. To be honest...I'm purging and lamenting and spewing out everything because I never really divulge the dynamics of this relationship with anyone else. Really. We were in a school together and he wanted to keep our friendship which escalated into more discreet. I had no problem because in the beginning it was nice and special. Then as things were not going well, it wasn't smething I could talk about. Especially the ugly bits. I wasn't exactly eager to confess my lover was being mean to me. Especially when I was trying to sort it out and get it back to being good. Now it's like I found a venue to tell what really happened. It's like I've kept all this bottled up and here I am letting it pour out of me. I know people but I wasn't feeling comfortable enough to say what I was going through and now I'm can.

I know deep down it was unhealthy to be with him (emotionally and physically..all the stress).

You are right. Thanks for just being out there and taking the time to write me back.

[unsafe]

Anytime!

 

I wasn't upset at you..I just wanted you to know that you are so much better then that. And not to want him back. If you need to let it out...I am here..I will listen write it out..if you need my e-mail I can give it to you.

 

I just want you not to want him back or wonder or worry what you could have done. thats all!

[loveisallaround]

I don't agree with the advice of blaming it all on our exes. Placing the blame on outside individuals or events is par with heavy drinking: It'll help you escape momentairly but your issues will boomerang back when you sober up. It's easy, fast and hell, it's even sometimes fun, but no real result or personal improvement comes of it.

 

When you accept you have a role in everything that happens to you, it's ten times more painful. It takes way more self discipline. But eventually, taking the road less travelled will result in genuine and fulfilling change. By sticking with the usual way of coping - anger, finger pointing and resentment - you get the same, short term results. And you have to repeat it.

 

Obviously the ladder of the two options doesn't work. We spend months upon months depressed. Sad. Overwhelmed with loss. If something doesn't work, isn't it surely time to try something else?

[In Sync]

I am reading this book called Thresholds of The Mind.

To take responsibility for my feelings is empowering....

 

On paper it looks good, the explanation is sound, but even the author admits its much harder to do. I can blame the ex for his behavior but in essence I am only feeling a victim. Though my ex's behavior was deplorable now its time to let go of letting that rule my feelings. I admitted I chose to appease and accept it. That was an unhealthy choice and I've paid the price and have been hurting as a result. I guess I'm reacihing the stage of I'VE HAd ENOUGH OF THE SUFFERING. There is also the suggestion to just be ok with how I feel, and stop fighting it. I admit that I was trying to deny my hurt feelings and seeing it as something to be ashamed of. crazy huh. So I'm exploring recognizing my feelings and watching it.

When you accept you have a role in everything that happens to you, it's ten times more painful. It takes way more self discipline. But eventually, taking the road less travelled will result in genuine and fulfilling change. By sticking with the usual way of coping - anger, finger pointing and resentment - you get the same, short term results. And you have to repeat it.

I gave up my power for a relationship and I can't afford to keep repeating the same scenario over and over.

[unsafe]

Well I have to agree its not always only one persons fault when a relationship fails. But take my situation as an example. I dated a guy for 4 months. The first 2 months were good. I could tell we were both really into it. Spending time together talking on the phone getting to know each other then one day he started to act weird. Not calling as much, would say he wanted to see me make plans and then the day of call and say he had something else come up. And he would do this for 2 more months. Now my fualt is I stayed I was so into him the first two months I couldn't really understand what changed. I felt it I knew he was into it. So I stuck it out thinking what the hell and granted I spoke with him on these issues and he would tell me he is very happy with me likes me alot just work was busy and blah blah blah. Well come to find out he was dating his ex girlfriend again behind my back. After we broke up he told me. He never said he was sorry but he wanted me to know that he was with her again. Tell me what I did wrong, except give him more chances that he didn't deserve?

 

And when you try your best in a relationship and it doesn't work at least you know you did your best and you should be able to walk away from it saying ok well I wanted it to work I liked him or loved him and I gave it my all. It didn't work. Those were his issues. He couldn't let his ex go...she left him and was engaged to someone else for a year it fell through and so she came back to him. He took her back. Those are his issues. Not mine! I wanted it to work!

 

So my fault for giving him to many chances.

 

But you have to change your ways. so that you don't let people take advantage of you!

[In Sync]

he first 2 months were good. I could tell we were both really into it. Spending time together talking on the phone getting to know each other then one day he started to act weird. Not calling as much, would say he wanted to see me make plans and then the day of call and say he had something else come up. And he would do this for 2 more months. Now my fualt is I stayed I was so into him the first two months I couldn't really understand what changed. I felt it I knew he was into it. So I stuck it out thinking what the hell

Similiar... similiar... similiar did I say similiar. Friendly in the beginning and then it was like an alien took over his body. Was I responsible for sticking around the guy I was with when he became less charming... YES I WAS...But that was due to my pattern of hanging on and wanting him to change. I suffered. I see it clearer now. The old pattern was to think this guy can't be changing he was so sweet and charming and sexy...what happened. Can't be true. Well my refusing to accept it was true was where I caused more pain for myself. Its becoming crystal clear every minute.

My lesson, I suppose, is to be more selective in my choice of relationships and remember that all men can be charming in the early stages, but the second I feel uncomfortable, let them go. I will look beyond the surface and show no mercy to those who reveal lack of respect for me. Because when I excuse someone from respecting me, I give them a free ride to continue and then I wonder why they won't change. (Can you believe I even hung in there when I asked him why he didn't introduce me to his friends from the new school he attended and his response was he would have liked to but he didn't want me to meet someone within his group of pals...meaning someone he was probably trying to score with. I just ignored his disrespect and pretended it didn't matter that there were women he was hanging around and probably pursuing. I was not possesive. I didn't walk away and that was my responsibility.) I In my world I took it for granted you don't mistreat someone, and if a man doesn't want to see me, fine but do it with grace and dignity. Now I know everyone doesn't follow those principles and so to preserve my emotional sanity I must take responsibility and set new rules about my bounderies. Really set them and not cut anyone slack.

 

I'm beginning to come out of the dark hole I had climbed into, your writing and loveisallaroundhas been so beneficial. I was ready to hear take in what you both were saying. In fact I copied yesterday's reply from you unsafe and placed it in my journal.

[In Sync]

he first 2 months were good. I could tell we were both really into it. Spending time together talking on the phone getting to know each other then one day he started to act weird. Not calling as much, would say he wanted to see me make plans and then the day of call and say he had something else come up. And he would do this for 2 more months. Now my fualt is I stayed I was so into him the first two months I couldn't really understand what changed. I felt it I knew he was into it. So I stuck it out thinking what the hell

Similiar... similiar... similiar did I say similiar. Friendly in the beginning and then it was like an alien took over his body. Was I responsible for sticking around the guy I was with when he became less charming... YES I WAS...But that was due to my pattern of hanging on and wanting him to change. I suffered. I see it clearer now. The old pattern was to think this guy can't be changing he was so sweet and charming and sexy...what happened. Can't be true. Well my refusing to accept it was true was where I caused more pain for myself. Its becoming crystal clear every minute.

My lesson, I suppose, is to be more selective in my choice of relationships and remember that all men can be charming in the early stages, but the second I feel uncomfortable, let them go. I will look beyond the surface and show no mercy to those who reveal lack of respect for me. Because when I excuse someone from respecting me, I give them a free ride to continue and then I wonder why they won't change. (Can you believe I even hung in there when I asked him why he didn't introduce me to his friends from the new school he attended and his response was he would have liked to but he didn't want me to meet someone within his group of pals...meaning someone he was probably trying to score with. I just ignored his disrespect and pretended it didn't matter that there were women he was hanging around and probably pursuing. I was not possesive. I didn't walk away and that was my responsibility.) I In my world I took it for granted you don't mistreat someone, and if a man doesn't want to see me, fine but do it with grace and dignity. Now I know everyone doesn't follow those principles and so to preserve my emotional sanity I must take responsibility and set new rules about my bounderies. Really set them and not cut anyone slack.

 

I'm beginning to come out of the dark hole I had climbed into, your writing and loveisallaround has been so beneficial. I was ready to hear take in what you both were saying. In fact I copied yesterday's reply from you unsafe and placed it in my journal.