UK4ever Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 After almost 5 years of being together, She said to give her space for a week after I was being clingy and emotional the past month. She said she will reach out to me within a week and give me an update on our situation. I told her calmly if she does not want to keep talking she does not need to reach out to me , I would understand due to a bad past. ( I treated her badly but never had sex with someone). At the same time I believe she is talking to another guy now even though she denies it. Today will be 8 days since I gave her space with no contact. I do regret telling her not to tell me anything because now I want to contact her for an answer for closure. Not sure if I just let it go and wait for her or just contact her. I want to apologize to her for the way I was and just end things on good terms but at the same time I miss her and want her back in my life. So do I contact her or wait for her? What is the best thing to do to have her back in my life if possible?
PegNosePete Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 You say your EX asked for space. Did you break up previously to this, and are talking as exes? Or did you still consider yourselves to be in a relationship until 8 days ago? Do you want her back in your life as an ex/friend or to rekindle your relationship?
Maddie82 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Space is code word for breakup. When a woman says she wants space its a polite way of breaking up with you. She wont be in touch again, especially if you have treated her badly. She wont be back. If she hasn't made any contact by now she never will. Leave her be. You said she thought you were too clingy and emotional so contacting her now proves that. 2
SunnySide0418 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I think you most definitely should reach out to her. This was a 5-year relationship and you deserve more closer than how it was left. Just don't be defensive or start a fight just tell her you would like to talk. Just my two cents
Maddie82 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I think you most definitely should reach out to her. This was a 5-year relationship and you deserve more closer than how it was left. Just don't be defensive or start a fight just tell her you would like to talk. Just my two cents Bad advice. He treated her badly. She has broken up with him because of his behavior. She felt he was too clingy and emotional and contacting her will prove that she was right. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 In what ways did you treat her badly, OP? And what exactly do you mean when you say you were being clingy and emotional? Were you starting arguments, trying to control her, or..? What happened a month ago that triggered this down-slide?
Author UK4ever Posted July 30, 2019 Author Posted July 30, 2019 You say your EX asked for space. Did you break up previously to this, and are talking as exes? Or did you still consider yourselves to be in a relationship until 8 days ago? Do you want her back in your life as an ex/friend or to rekindle your relationship? We have been broken up since around Mid June until now. We have been trying to work on things since then. We probably hanged out like 4 or 5 times But I started get clingy and she asked for space. We had a great conversation in person on July 22 to see where we stand, trying to understand the direction where we are going. When she asked for space I respected her decision. I had told her if she wants to be friends as well after this I would always want to be there for her because of all the good things she did for me. At this point I am open to any relationship with her but i truly want to be back with her because I truly do miss her and love her. I took her for granted and regret it.
Author UK4ever Posted July 30, 2019 Author Posted July 30, 2019 In what ways did you treat her badly, OP? And what exactly do you mean when you say you were being clingy and emotional? Were you starting arguments, trying to control her, or..? What happened a month ago that triggered this down-slide? I showed emotion in front of her. I never cried in our nearly 5 year relationship. In the past month alone I cried twice in front of her. I would express how I was feeling of the direction of our relationship because I did not know what she wanted. Whether it was her staying or moving on, she would not tell me and it will stress me out and I would tell her that. I would constantly bring up the problems instead of just being myself around her where we normally joke around a lot. I would text her back within 5 minutes every time. If she did not reply within a certain hour time frame, I would text her again. I think what triggered it was I did not talk to her for like 4 days. And maybe she got tired of me pushing her away after all these years. It was just fuel adding to the fire I am assuming.
PRW Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 She said she will reach out to me within a week and give me an update on our situation.Leave her alone. She will contact you when she is ready,...she isn't sitting there with a stop watch timing exactly when she is going to contact you. I want to contact her for an answer for closure.There is no such thing as closure in this context. What you really want to do is talk her into taking you back, so just admit it. But all you will do is dig your grave. If you contact her then you are proving to her exactly why she wanted "the break". You are doing the same needy crap that made her want the break in the first place. 1
PRW Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 and contacting her will prove that she was right.Exactly that!!
PRW Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I showed emotion in front of her. I never cried in our nearly 5 year relationship. In the past month alone I cried twice in front of her. I would express how I was feeling of the direction of our relationship because I did not know what she wanted. Whether it was her staying or moving on, she would not tell me and it will stress me out and I would tell her that. I would constantly bring up the problems instead of just being myself around her where we normally joke around a lot. I would text her back within 5 minutes every time. If she did not reply within a certain hour time frame, I would text her again. I think what triggered it was I did not talk to her for like 4 days. And maybe she got tired of me pushing her away after all these years. It was just fuel adding to the fire I am assuming.No it wasn't that you didn't talk for 4 days. In fact that may have been the good part in that you were giving her a break for 4 days. What was wrong was the whole entire scenario in one big lump. You weren't being the centered masculine man leading the relationship. You were being the follower, the lost puppy, the liability, the burden, the second child in the relationship. This will drain the woman's feelings for the man to the point that there are no feelings left, the emotional tank is empty, and that is when the guy gets dumped. He is often shocked that she can seem so cold about it and so sudden,...but she is able to do that because for her there is just nothing left by that point, she just feels nothing.
Author UK4ever Posted July 30, 2019 Author Posted July 30, 2019 Leave her alone. She will contact you when she is ready,...she isn't sitting there with a stop watch timing exactly when she is going to contact you. There is no such thing as closure in this context. What you really want to do is talk her into taking you back, so just admit it. But all you will do is dig your grave. If you contact her then you are proving to her exactly why she wanted "the break". You are doing the same needy crap that made her want the break in the first place. Even though it is my fault for end of this, I should just sit back, chill and let nothing happen? I admit I do want her back. Having her back would be amazing. Her telling me she does not want to talk anymore and me having the opportunity to at least apologize for my dumb actions would considered great closure for myself. The main goal for closure is to finish on good terms that we can at least still have some type of relationship afterwards. She was there for me the past years and being able to return that in the future would be great.
Author UK4ever Posted July 30, 2019 Author Posted July 30, 2019 No it wasn't that you didn't talk for 4 days. In fact that may have been the good part in that you were giving her a break for 4 days. What was wrong was the whole entire scenario in one big lump. You weren't being the centered masculine man leading the relationship. You were being the follower, the lost puppy, the liability, the burden, the second child in the relationship. This will drain the woman's feelings for the man to the point that there are no feelings left, the emotional tank is empty, and that is when the guy gets dumped. He is often shocked that she can seem so cold about it and so sudden,...but she is able to do that because for her there is just nothing left by that point, she just feels nothing. I think the tables turned if anything. Before this past month, She would do anything for me. Call me a lot, get mad if I did not text her back quick enough Help me certain things I could not do if I was at work. She would go above and beyond for me. The past 5 years I had a mentality that I did not care when she responded or even called. She would get very stressed with me but I was not trying to be manipulative towards her or cause stress. I always loved her though but I think me not showing enough love towards finally fed her up and maybe she started exploring what else is out there for herself. Instead this past month I have been the one who is stressed and emotionally drained from this. I have been the only who pushing back for a relationship but she seems fed up already.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) She didn't want you to move on before she had, OP. And now she has. Her feelings for you are already gone, unfortunately, and it very much sounds like she's dating seeing someone else now. Edited July 30, 2019 by ExpatInItaly
Marc878 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 She's trying to be nice and let you down easy. In reality you got dumped for her new boyfriend. You chase she'll just move farther away. It's not a good idea to try and be friends. Let her go fully and move on like she has. Or you'll keep yourself tied up with no good end result. 1
SunnySide0418 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Bad advice. He treated her badly. She has broken up with him because of his behavior. She felt he was too clingy and emotional and contacting her will prove that she was right. that's just it. She didn't break up with him she said she needed space. He has the right to hear the words why should she get off easy? people need to be mature adults and just say the truth they were dating for 5 years there's history I feel he should reach out to her and if she wants it over she can tell him then and then he needs to move on.
Redhead14 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 When someone tells me they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. If they take too long, they may find that they do not have a place to land their aircraft. I do not put my life on hold while someone else decides unilaterally what will happen with it. Go out and start dating very casually or, preferably, take a break from dating and just go out with friends or family and have a great Fing time without her. If she calls, decide about how to proceed based on how you feel then.
preraph Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I don't know if I'm getting the facts wrong, but if she broke up with you and then you didn't go away and then you, as you say, worked on it and got emotional, and now she's asking for space, this is my read: She broke up. You wouldn't go away and got desperate and emotional so she felt sorry and also worried about you and let you hang around a couple times and now she wants you to go on about your life. But again, the description leaves a lot of details out, so I could be so wrong. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 that's just it. She didn't break up with him she said she needed space. He has the right to hear the words why should she get off easy? people need to be mature adults and just say the truth they were dating for 5 years there's history I feel he should reach out to her and if she wants it over she can tell him then and then he needs to move on. Yes, she did. OP's own words: "We have been broken up since around Mid June until now." This request for space is coming from her as his ex-girlfriend. It's already over. 2
Maddie82 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 that's just it. She didn't break up with him she said she needed space. He has the right to hear the words why should she get off easy?[/ What do you mean by 'why should she get off easy?' she has done nothing wrong. She was treated badly by him so she broke it off it a polite way. She owes him nothing.
PegNosePete Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 it very much sounds like she's dating seeing someone else now. Yes, that's my feeling too. She wants "space" from OP to test out the new guy.
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 that's just it. She didn't break up with him she said she needed space. He has the right to hear the words why should she get off easy?[/ What do you mean by 'why should she get off easy?' she has done nothing wrong. She was treated badly by him so she broke it off it a polite way. She owes him nothing. He didn't treat her badly. He became clingy/needy recently (so she says) but he probably did get that way because he sensed something was up with her and she was not being upfront and honest. They've been seeing each other for 5 years -- she owes him honesty and respect. Unless she actually breaks up with him and if she is "testing" someone else out, she is cheating on him. Even if she's not "testing" someone else, she is abusing him emotionally. She owes him quality communication at least.
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) When you have been together for 5 years, break ups are not that clean. It's a gradual separation, which you had during June & into July. When you got more clingy as she was moving farther away, she asked for this "break". It wasn't a time for her to clear her head or figure out what's what. She already knew she wanted out. You then put an ultimatum on this -- don't call me unless you want to work on us & the relationship. She did what you asked. She doesn't fix this. You said you didn't want to hear that & you'd prefer silence. Now you want her to call her to make her say the words in the name of closure. Call her if you want. You may need to have this door slammed in your face one more time so that you truly get this over. Calling her is not going to make her see that you changed or she's throwing a way a good thing. She was done last Spring but waited until June to tell you. She's not getting back into your life. She's moved on to talking to other guys. Let go. Accept that it's over & move forward with your healing. Edited July 31, 2019 by d0nnivain 1
Maddie82 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 He didn't treat her badly. He became clingy/needy recently (so she says) but he probably did get that way because he sensed something was up with her and she was not being upfront and honest. He was clingy and emotional yes, but he also admitted to treating her badly (his actual words).
PegNosePete Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Unless she actually breaks up with him She did, in mid-June. 2
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