frus69 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I know many people are not ok with " friends with ex", and this is a "delicate issue", this is not an "ideal world" etc.etc. but isnt that exactly because they DONT trust the partner? That they think someday it will be a problem? Thats why they need to know exactly what happened so they can somehow control the situation? So you cant really say things like " I trust you but you need to tell me this and that of your past" , because if you really trust, you dont need to know everything?
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Most find that "blind faith", lets them down unfortunately. Here the OP had blind faith, she believed the story presented to her. Now she finds the real story is different from the one they led her to believe, now she is finding "trust" difficult unsurprisingly. Everyone in that cosy "family" circle knew the true state of play for over a year, apart from the OP... not so good... 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) Frus, I am going to echo Arieswoman's post to you - you and I will have to agree to disagree on this one. I don't share your opinion, which is okay. I am not going to debate the details to convince you share my view, either. Edited July 30, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 1
LauraXX Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I completely agree with Smackie above and think that it's actually a good sign. I'd rather be with somebody who behaves civilized after a break-up instead of never speaking to their ex again. Same goes for people who still have nice things to say about former co-workers, bosses etc. I guess for me it's just a huge red flag in general when people tend to burn bridges. That being said.... I've mentioned it before, but my best friend in the world is also an ex. We dated for two years when we were very young. I broke up with him because even back then, he felt more like a brother to me. Today he's the godfather of my kid. I'm the godmother of his kid. His wife is one of my best girlfriends. We had a relationship for two years and have been best friends for another 21 years, so it seems so insignificant that we started out that way. And I can honestly say that in those 21 years, not even for one second, I thought about getting back together with him. Feels incestuous just to think about that 1
frus69 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I don't mean everyone should have blind trust. Its personal choice. You can choose to trust or not trust whoever. But I think you should acknowledge it. Aka you cant really put yourself in a higher moral ground (by claiming "I trust you") but then behavior in a distrust way( by shading someone for not disclosing past relationships ). To some people, past relationships are none of anyone's business. I think admitting you dont trust is the first step to solve this problem.
Maddie82 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I think you are seeing issues where there aren't any. She is happily married, your BF is happy with you and wants a future with you. What are you worried about exactly? So they dated, but realized they have no romantic feelings for each other and are better being friends. They regard each other more as brother and sister. You have nothing to worry about here. Put it out of your mind before it causes unnecessary problems in your relationship. 1
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I think admitting you dont trust is the first step to solve this problem. She "trusted" for a whole year, to find she had been lied to by omission. “I didn’t lie; I just didn’t tell you.” The apparent "transparency" was a sham... To some people, past relationships are none of anyone's business. Surely it became her business as soon as she was expected to accept this "friend", sorry ex, into her close friend circle... This was not a few weeks casual dating one summer, this was a 3 year relationship...
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Too many times I have seen family friends who are close to each other SO, cheat. Far too many times. The fact that she is married means nothing. There is often an underlying attraction (from at least one side) in the friendship. As a rule, I don't date men with close female friends even if they are not exes. 1
Marc878 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Most just don't want an X in the mix. This is your call. You can't change it at this point so you accept or reject. There is no one right answer it all depends on you. You know yourself best. Think long term. Can you accept it or not? From what I've seen most women think it's ok for a women to have an X as a friend but not ok for a man to have and X for a friend. Males tend to go in the opposite direction so the opinions you get will be skewed. 1
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