tomoyo Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 (edited) Hi all, I've (29) been wth BF(35) for a year now, everything going great, we've been talking about moving in soon and talk about the future (kids, marriage,ect) often, all of my friends and family love him and I've never been so happy. BF's best friend is a woman, whom he has always said is "like a sister" and they are quite close, we went to her house for Christmas dinner this year and she always said BF is her only family (She has no parents anymore or siblings), and even lived with his family for a period of time when they were younger. She has been married for the past 7 years and BF and her husband are now good friends as well, to the point where her husbands family are also quite close with BF and view him as part of the family. I had thought it was odd that they were so close, but figured if he said she is like a sister and they have been friends for like 20 years then I should treat her as such, and have gotten to be friends with her as well. HOWEVER, I just found out that her and BF actually dated for 3 years up until 10 years ago. And now I'm going crazy and don't know how I should feel about it. They NEVER seem inappropriate together, I have never seen any romantic things between them, they will go shopping and get a meal together maybe every month or so, but half the time the her husband is with them, and over the past few months we have started going on double dates with them every few weeks. Since I found out I have tried to be fine about it, they obviously don't see it as a big deal, and I've reminded myself "They've known eachother forever and view eachother as family".... but people don't typically have a sexual history with their family!!! Is this something I should be worried about? I know that it was just a college relationship and they have both moved on and resumed the friendship, they wanted different things and saw that the relationship just didn't work romantically. But I just feel threatened by it, and it makes me feel (Probably irrationally) that I'm not as important in his life as her. Edited July 29, 2019 by tomoyo
smackie9 Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 (edited) it happens....they figured out they make better friends than romantic partners. They both have moved on in that aspect, I see no threat, just you being mislead is an issue. I would look at it as a positive thing. I think it's nice to have such a great person being a part of your life. More nice people the better regardless of the past. It was such a long time ago....it's ancient history. I feel when being newly in love with someone anything can trigger jealousy and paranoia. It will pass. Edited July 29, 2019 by smackie9 2
elaine567 Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 BF's best friend is a woman.... Sorry, but that would have been a deal beaker for me early doors. 1
Flame Aura Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 So it took a whole year for you to find out they had actually dated previously? Why didn't he tell you this at the start? Definitely big red flag that he didn't seem to think that you should know this very important piece of information. 1
OatsAndHall Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 This situation would have me torn.... I don't date women who have close friendships with exes but that is a personal boundary that I put up a long time ago for my own sanity. I understand that every situation is unique and there are plenty of people who have solid, platonic friendships with exes but I know myself and I know it would bother me. With that being said, there is one thing to consider in your situation: Her husband appears to be kosher with the relationship. This would give me comfort as he is probably a good indicator of how appropriate their friendship is. I doubt she would be married if her relationship with your boyfriend was anything more than close friendship. And, your BF and her husband are now buddies which shows that there's trust built across the board. He is also close with her husband's family which is certainly a good thing. They have all grown close enough together to basically be a family unit. Again, this takes a lot of trust and wouldn't have happened if your boyfriend and his ex gave people any reason to question the nature of their friendship. So, you're choices are feast/famine here. You can call it off as you're not comfortable with their friendship. Personally, I would understand that as this was kind of sprung on you; he wasn't forthcoming about his relationship with her early on. I don't know that he was intentionally dishonest about this; their relationship might be an afterthought for him as they're close. You other choice is to work through their friendship and keep becoming more a part of the dynamic that he has with her and her husband. You've spent time with the three of them and it sounds like you've enjoyed it. So, you'll probably become more comfortable with their friendship if you continue to go with the flow and feel like a part of that social circle. Just bear in mind that this is your only course of action if you stay with him. He has a tight friendship with her, her husband and his family and you either become a part of that or nothing at all.
elaine567 Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 Maybe I have spent too long on LS but it seems to me very many OWs or MWs are in an affair with their "best friend" or an ex. A few being close friends with the gf/wife/partner too. Assuming it is all done and dusted and "innocent" may be naive. Hopefully that is not the case here. 2
crispytoast Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 Well he's shown that he can form and maintain familial bonds outside of his family. To me that's far more important than the fact that he dated her a long time ago. I would take this as a good sign instead of dwelling on the negative what ifs. You've got yourself a family man. 2
Gretchen12 Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 This is a tough one. I dated a man who is best friends with his ex wife. The wife has been married to someone new and has children with both of them. Actually she left the guy I dated for the now husband. Now they are one big happy family. I've heard of other similar situations. Usually it is one sided. That is, one person is happily married (usually the woman) while the other one, her best friend, the man, is perpetually single. From my observation, he is single because he already has a relationship with his best friend, he just can't have sex with her. So this type of man has no need of another relationship. He is free, but with family. He doesn't have responsibilities of the husband, but he has the emotional support of a woman he can trust. She makes no demands on him, yet he has a sense of belonging. He is free but not lonely. The price he pays is having to play the cuckold in that set up. I don't think you need to worry about any romance between them. However, he will have some romance with a series of women such as you, but that's as far as it goes. He has the ex as an emotional partner without the relationship stress. Why go further with you when he already has the best of both worlds?
kendahke Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 t her and BF actually dated for 3 years up until 10 years ago. Is this something I should be worried about? I know that it was just a college relationship and they have both moved on and resumed the friendship, they wanted different things and saw that the relationship just didn't work romantically. I think that by now, if they wanted to rekindle their relationship, that would have happened long before you came on the scene and her marriage would be in tatters right about now from it. I also think you're looking for problems and I'm wondering why? Why is distrust the first thing you reached for? But I just feel threatened by it, and it makes me feel (Probably irrationally) that I'm not as important in his life as her. Well, you feel what you feel, but don't let those feelings be the basis for you saying/doing something where he feels he has to choose one over the other because he may not choose you and if he does, he may not ever let you forget that you made him choose--and that brings its own intolerable resentment. I'd say you need to talk with someone to get a grip on your jealousy because neither of them are giving you any reason for you to take this approach--unless you've still got unresolved baggage from another relationship long ago that you haven't bothered to sort and resolve on your own. That's your heavy lift; and if this relationship is that good on all other fronts, then you need to make a serious and thorough effort to get over your jealousy because you will bring about what you fear most if you don't. 1
lurker74 Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 I don't really see the problem, TBH. If it were more recent, that's one thing. I do think it's a small problem that you just found this out. It should have been addressed earlier. But that's communication, less so action.
fairyfloff Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 I dated my first for 8 years and remained good friends with him up until 2 years ago. We dated when we were both very young and very immature, so yes, he was like a brother to me, the way we spoke was very awful in a sibling way, yelling, giving each other constant sh**.. but prob saw each other once every 1-2 months but spoke on the phone quite constantly. he was a good person just drove me insane as we both developed into our current selves lol.. I wish him well, he is married now
Ami1uwant Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I believe men and women can be very good friends. The fact they had a relationship 10 years ago doesn’t matter. I’ve met some women who I found out early on there were too many fundamental differences when it comes to marriage and long term relationship. Nothing wrong with the other person. Just differences.
Arieswoman Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 OP, I agree with elaine457 post #3 - it wouldn't have got off the ground. with me. All I can say is "trust your gut" on this one.....
frus69 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 All I can say is "trust your gut" on this one..... This one size fits all solution is rather irresponsible. Also many people dont have a reliable gut feeling. OP says there has been never bad behaviors among the two. But she is still scared. Why? If I may guess it's because many outsiders feed her the fear. Not because anything he had actually done. Surely there are couples who have genuine friendships with exs, especially when you are older. OP I think you need more faith and need to listen to more positive stories. You arent going to find many here because happy people dont post here lol 2
Arieswoman Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 frus69, flameaura nails it here in post 4# So it took a whole year for you to find out they had actually dated previously? Why didn't he tell you this at the start? Definitely big red flag that he didn't seem to think that you should know this very important piece of information. The guy witheld information, thus robbing the OP of informed choice about their relationship. Not good IMO happy people dont post here Poppycock
frus69 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I dont think withholding this info is definitely a red flag. For one it's ancient history (10 +years!) which is probably not relevant anymore. He sees her as a sister and "we used to date" probably didnt even cross his mind. For two I bet he doesnt tell because he doesnt want unnecessary drama.And look, he is very right lol Of course, she can talk to him and ask him why he didnt reveal it earlier. He may have a very good reason. It's not a issue for me but i can see it's an issue for others. But it's not a deal breaker, not yet. Happy people dont post here, what I meant by that is people only post when they have problems. They dont post just to share their happy marry stories. So you may think the whole world of full of arseholes. But it's simply not true. Lot of people here arent advising based on anything solid, but rather their projection. I think if they did something suspicious, you may have a solid reason to panic. But according to OP nothing remotely like that happened, then I dont understand all the negative advice.
Arieswoman Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 frus69, I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. For one it's ancient history (10 +years!) which is probably not relevant anymore. But it's not ancient history is it? He's having meals with this ex which is very relevent. IMO exes are exes for a reason. 1
frus69 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Them dating is ancient history, isnt it? Ex is ex for a reason, it just means they arent compatible to be romantic partners. Doesnt mean they cant be friends. What's wrong with having meals with ex? (Just because some cant, doesnt mean all cant and none if them is innocent) 1
Arieswoman Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Them dating is ancient history, isnt it? Ex is ex for a reason, it just means they arent compatible to be romantic partners. Doesnt mean they cant be friends. What's wrong with having meals with ex? (Just because some cant, doesnt mean all cant and none if them is innocent) As I said we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. There's a quote you might have seen floating around social media: "We can 'still be friends' is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep it."
frus69 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 There are lots of absurd quotes floating around social media. I used to believe them but realized how foolish I was. Those who say " People can't be friends with exs", just means they cant. Why would you think they can represent everyone else? It really boils down to trust. You dont demand your bf to disclose every single women he dated, right? So why is this ex different? because she is in his life and you think he will one day cheat with her? Is it your own trust issue or did he actually do something? 2
Arieswoman Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Is it your own trust issue or did he actually do something? This is now moving away from an objective discussion, so I will bow out.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I would be concerned that he wasn't upfront with the fact that she's actually an ex. It's the lack of transparency that wouldn't sit well with me. Would I be worried that they still have the hots for each other? No, not really. Would I wonder why my boyfriend neglected to be honest about it from the get-go? Yes. How did you find this out, OP? 1
frus69 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Would I be worried that they still have the hots for each other? No, not really. Would I wonder why my boyfriend neglected to be honest about it from the get-go? Yes. That's an interesting point. But if you dont think they have feelings for each other, why do you care if they used to date?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 That's an interesting point. But if you dont think they have feelings for each other, why do you care if they used to date? Because I don't believe people "forget" to share things like that. I also believe in being open about exes who are still in our lives, especially to the degree that these two are. If we're being realistic, it's a delicate issue for most folks. They spend a significant amount of time together and OP was operating under the assumption that their friendship had a different backstory than it actually does. Not everyone is comfortable with that level of contact with an ex, and it would have been the considerate and responsible thing for OP's boyfriend to have explored OP's feelings on the matter before proceeding to get serious with her, or deciding to integrate her into their friendship and social lives. It's when it's intentionally omitted that creates issues, and can cause needless unrest. Again, the issue is a lack of transparency. We don't live in an ideal world where everyone is fine with friendly exes, and I feel that misleading OP by omission was not wise. It can rupture trust even if there are no romantic feelings involved. 2
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