I met someone new and caught them in a few lies

[somelamedude]

There's a girl I met on a dating site who I think is cute but had caught her in a lie right away. When I first saw her on her profile I thought she was very attractive and immediately started to message her. I tried to play the good guy and didn't push for anything sexual, and was surprised that she was pushing for it. Well during a "heated and steamy" conversation, she admitted supposedly that she never had an orgasm and doesn't really know how to with a guy but is open to exploring that with me.

 

 

 

Later she was teasing me that she wished I was with her cuddling and when she says she needed a cuddle buddy she at first misinterpreted my message as me being with a group of friends and she was open to cuddling with all of us. When I clarified she back peddled right away and when we talked more I told her I wasn't into 3-sums or group orgies in which she tried to claim she wasn't either.

 

 

When we finally did meet, she was extremely shy, but after putting her to ease with a kiss it got heated and led to other things which led to me bringing her back home for some fun. After a couple of hours in bed, I teased her about her never having an orgasm, in which she said she did with me, and then I said "I thought you haven't learned to have orgasms with others" and again she back peddled and said her exes were able to give mini orgasms and mainly from oral but that she supposedly had the most intense from me.

 

 

After talking to her even more, she said she is ready to settle down and admitted she is tired of being viewed as an "object" and also admitted she's only had a couple of boyfriends, and before that countless one night stands. I do feel bad for her because she also stated that she was raped by her brother. During that time cuddled up she also admitted having psychiatric problems, grew up in a broken home and was at one time suicidal.

 

 

After that night, we kept talking in which I was trying to find out what she really wanted. Again she back peddled and said that she thinks I'm an amazing guy, and very nice to talk to, but wants to date more before becoming exclusive with me. She said she felt bad for telling me she wanted to date more and is afraid of hurting my feelings but she wants to be sure that we want each other.

 

 

Well I did admit that if she wants to date, and not be exclusive, fine but that I might end up with someone else. That seemed to have really hurt her, because she did text that she wanted to cry when I said that. We have been talking still but not as frequent.

 

 

We are scheduled to have another date next week.. but I don't like little white lies. I even admitted to her that the past is the past, I won't think of her less, but that I'm genuinely not into certain things and as long as she respects that, we should be fine. But now I'm doubting if I even want to pursue her, because if she's willing to lie about stupid little things, what is she capable of lying about in the long term? Anyways I hope that makes sense, and would like some advice if I should pursue this, casually date, or cut things off ASAP?

[Rocker71]

Wow! Just be happy you're getting sex from her. Why care so much about little white lies when she's already sexually free with you?

Don't look a gifthorse in the mouth.

Enjoy it while it lasts. Because it may not last long in todays climate.

[basil67]

Dude, by "trying" to play the good guy, you also lied to start with. (a genuine good guy doesn't need to try to be a good guy). You're a bad guy, she lies about orgasms. Basicially, you're both faking....so quit complaining and recognise that you've met your true match.

Edited July 28, 2019 by basil67

[elaine567]

Forget about the "little white lies", those are the least of your problems.

The girl has a history of abuse (raped by her brother), she is from a broken home and has psychiatric problems and suicidal tendencies.

She like a lot of sexual abuse victims, probably uses promiscuity to be "in control", hence the numerous ONS and few actual relationships, and her quick jump from small talk to hot and steamy with a stranger, and her resistance to "exclusivity".

 

What on earth makes you think she is dating material.

She probably needs years of therapy to get "normal", are you up for that?

[ExpatInItaly]

This girl doesn't strike me as the most stable individual, OP.

 

She leads with sex, lies to you to try to stroke your ego ("I have only ever had an intense orgasm with you, I swear!" Sure...), lies about sex in general, openly admits to having psychiatric problems and suicidal thoughts. All this and you barely know her. She is tired of being viewed as an object and yet had no problem pushing for sexy talk almost right away. There is a significant disconnect between her actions and her words.

 

I'm all for casual sex if that's what both parties want and no expectations attached. But I think you are going to find that this person has a lot of issues that will making actually dating her quite difficult.

[Cersei]

This seems like a doomed relationship right from the start. This is headed for disaster my friend.

 

Call her out on her lies. Any time this happens to me I say something like "I thought you said that xxxxxxxxxx" and watch them squirm. There is no reason for her lies. Why does she need to say those things? She is a hot mess. Run!

[schlumpy]

Did you ever see the movie "Play Misty For Me?" You might be interested.

 

Best Wishes

[somelamedude]

Thanks for the responses...

 

 

 

@rocker71 I care because when people lie about little things they tend to also lie about big things. The sex was good but she also apologized she wasn't that great with oral (even though wanting to be the best I ever had) and that next time she'll be great. I never complained.

 

 

 

@basil67 No I didn't. I actually genuinely wanted to pace it out better but she was wanting to have sex right away, but then later denied it.

 

 

 

@elaine567 I know.. I feel bad about it because "looks wise" she's what I'm looking for. Personality wise, I'd like to know, but history wise.. yes lots and lots of red flags.

 

 

 

@ExpatInItaly That's what I'm worried about, is that in the long run she isn't dating material and will most likely sleep around a lot.

 

 

 

@Cersei Trust me I did. I'm not one to judge, but judging from her reactions, she's either had trains ran on her, or really wants it, and is just not wanting to be slut shamed. I even tried to tell her I'm not the type to shame but that I'm just not into it, and it's cool if she is.

 

 

 

@schlumpy I read the premise and if she's anything like that, I'm outta there in a heart beat lol

[kendahke]

She said she felt bad for telling me she wanted to date more and is afraid of hurting my feelings but she wants to be sure that we want each other.

 

How did you tolerate the stench from all that bull$#!+ she spewed?

 

How old is she? If she can't figure out that she wants someone without taking on the whole northeast corridor, then she's never going to figure anything out.

 

Dump her.

 

Well I did admit that if she wants to date, and not be exclusive, fine but that I might end up with someone else. That seemed to have really hurt her, because she did text that she wanted to cry when I said that. We have been talking still but not as frequent.

 

 

Truth effin' hurts, don't it? Why do you have to sit at home waiting on her to date her way through whomever so she can be sure? Isn't she saying she wants to do exactly that?

 

 

if she's willing to lie about stupid little things, what is she capable of lying about in the long term?

Not blowing your best friend, the baby is yours, meeting a guy for a weekend getaway and having her girls lie to you for her... need I go on?

[d0nnivain]

This girl is not Mrs. Right. She might be OK to have some fun with but she has serious issues she needs to straighten out before she can have a proper LTR with anyone. As a rape survivor, she turned to major destructive behavior to cope. My heart breeks for her, but her coping mechanism (lots of ONS) made things worse, not better. She doesn't even understand why at this point.

 

You can be her lover if you want to but you shouldn't trust her. You can't be her therapist.

[Gretchen12]

Listen to Elaine567. Right now you are only focused on her looks. This girl knows that. That's what she knows about all men: they just go for her looks, for sex, and none of them care who she is so why not lie? It's not as if these men would stop seeing her, she can make up stories and they stay for the looks. ... Until she drops them. You won't have to decide. She will decide when she's done with you.

[Gretchen12]

Btw telling you that she was raped by her brother is way too much info at this stage of getting acquainted. It's either another creepy lie or it's total lack of boundaries. She'll try to draw you in then discard.

[emeraldgreen]

You pumped, now dump, lest the blackness draws you in. She's a mess.

[smackie9]

She's looking for a white knight to rescue her.

[stillafool]

Get tested for stds. She's not a keeper.

[smackie9]

I'm going to add a note about the last thing you consider as a lie. She wasn't lying, she was stating the obvious...no one really commits after a first date. She just wants to date you first for a little while to be sure it's right to be exclusive and that's fair. I don't think she meant she wanted to be free to boink other guys while she makes up her mind.

[salparadise]

Listen to Elaine567. Right now you are only focused on her looks. This girl knows that. That's what she knows about all men: they just go for her looks, for sex, and none of them care who she is so why not lie? It's not Yas if these men would stop seeing her, she can make up stories and they stay for the looks. ... Until she drops them. You won't have to decide. She will decide when she's done with you.

 

Yea, this one's a hot mess. And cagey. Those little white lies were her trying to say what she thought you wanted to hear, being a chameleon. Her story changes with the direction of the wind, and who knows what the real story is... she may not know herself.

 

As unfortunate as her background, and the resulting issues are... do not try to be her rescuer/savior. She's not going to give up the promiscuity. It's not a choice –– it's her defense mechanism. If the sex is good and you're both willing I guess there's nothing wrong with having a bit of fun, but I'm telling ya –– don't get attached, and don't let her get attached. If you feel that you already are then let her go now. You don't want to explore how deep this goes.

[elaine567]

@elaine567 I know.. I feel bad about it because "looks wise" she's what I'm looking for. Personality wise, I'd like to know, but history wise.. yes lots and lots of red flags.

 

Too many guys get hung up on "hot" women with worrying personalities. The woman is usually out of their league looks wise so is difficult to pass up.

Once they get hooked on the great sex and the looks, the other "problems" start showing up.

Some of these problems are serious and quite a few posters here have been actually damaged mentally by getting involved..

Be careful.

[OatsAndHall]

All of her behavior is indicative of the victim of a sexual assault who hasn't worked through that trauma. I'm not a psychologist but I was trained and worked as as a counselor for mentally-ill teens in a treatment/psychiatric center. What you wrote is basically what I read in almost every file of youth that had been sexually abused/assaulted. What I read in those files and my brief experience with the behaviors associated with it kept me from working in the female-units at the facility. I certainly felt awful for those female youth but I was not emotionally equipped to handle their behaviors or provide them with adequate counseling. I literally chose to take punches from angry teenage boys over working with the girls.

 

 

 

What I just wrote might be viewed as overreaching but you will be playing with fire if you keep seeing her. Even if I am only half-correct, I strongly suggest that you cut ties quickly as she doesn't need a boyfriend; she needs therapy and help.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Forget about the "little white lies", those are the least of your problems.

The girl has a history of abuse (raped by her brother), she is from a broken home and has psychiatric problems and suicidal tendencies.

She like a lot of sexual abuse victims, probably uses promiscuity to be "in control", hence the numerous ONS and few actual relationships, and her quick jump from small talk to hot and steamy with a stranger, and her resistance to "exclusivity".

 

What on earth makes you think she is dating material.

She probably needs years of therapy to get "normal", are you up for that?

 

I second this post.

 

She's not relationship material. Hell, she isn't even dating material right now unless you into a whole bunch of drama.

 

The thing is, now that you know about the incestual abuse, you need to be careful how you proceed with her as you could very well re-traumatize her. It's clear she hasn't healed from her past.

 

Tread carefully.

[kendahke]

A lot of what you should do is predicated on the notion that this chick isn't lying about everything, including the assault, which she could be. Only she and her brother know the truth. Unless you go completely beast mode and confront her brother to find out, she's betting you're going to take her word for it and not go that far.

 

She's already proved she's economical with the truth and backs up fast to re-arrange her story to fit the inconsistencies you're discovering. That's bad form so early on in a new involvement.

 

She needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend. Seriously. I would back up from this for a few years so she can work this lying out of her system with a psychologist.

[somelamedude]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm actually happy to say that I've cut her out...

 

 

@kendahke I didn't want to be a jerk to her. Actually I tried to be accepting etc. But with me playing cool, she felt more and more badly about herself.

 

 

@d0nnivan I know she isn't Mrs Right. I decided that I'm not gonna be her lover, nor her friend.

 

 

@Gretchen12 I was initially but not anymore and have been thinking way more clearly about everything.

 

 

@emeraldgreen yes I'm actually gonna dump. She threatened self harm twice already because I decided to not pursue her.

 

 

@smackie9 yes she was, and apparently a cuckhold as well. I'm sorry to admit but she actually did want to hook up with another guy who is now ghosting her and driving her nuts. I tried to not shame her, and she kept shaming herself and even sent pics of the nasty hickeys and scratch marks made from the next guy. She basically admitted she wanted me to still date her so she could choose between the guy who ghosted her, me and her ex (she still apparently talks to him)

 

 

 

@stillafool well after finding out the day after I hooked up (she brought up being in the cuddling mood and I even offered to have her come over again for fun) that she hooked up with someone else, I'm getting tested.

 

 

@salparadise I wish I would have read your message before trying to do that. I offered friendship and she flipped. She even started asking for advice after me stating I don't want to date and just be friends just to turn around blow up on me. She even went as far as to claim that I just wanted a one night stand just like the guy who ghosted her and when I wouldn't let her have her fantasy of that she broke down numerous times on text.

 

 

@elaine567 I'm being more than just careful. I'm getting tested, I've blocked her number and I'm moving on.

 

 

@OatsandHall yeah no kidding. I've decided to end things with her completely.

 

 

@Michelle ma belle I apparently had triggered her numerous times and at this point am done.

[ExpatInItaly]

yes I'm actually gonna dump. She threatened self harm twice already because I decided to not pursue her

 

You were wise to back away completely from this, OP.

 

She has the sort of emotional disturbances you cannot help her with. She doesn't need a boyfriend; she needs compassionate and well-trained psychiatrist.

[somelamedude]

@ExpatInItaly thank you. Proud to say, HPV exam went well (though with the timing was advised to keep an eye out), HIV came back negative, and now it's the waiting game for the urine and blood work. So I'm hoping she didn't give me anything.