Noproblem Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 I would worry more that she is demanding and using you already! Why would she ask for a ride back from the airport? UBER! Why would she ask you to check her door, what happens to all her friends!!!!! 1
emeraldgreen Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 The test is when she asks for something that you're unable to do. See if she keeps it together then or does a "you used to be reliable" flip.
emeraldgreen Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 If you are picking her up at the airport she owes you a steak and a bj Tell her that, and then add that the steak is optional 1
kendahke Posted July 28, 2019 Posted July 28, 2019 She texted me before she boarded her flight to make sure I was picking her up. I confirmed that I would indeed be there. The response: "Thanks again. You've proven to me this week that you can be counted on." "I'd like a raise"
spiderowl Posted July 28, 2019 Posted July 28, 2019 I don't think it's so much that she asked for help with something that is a problem but saying you are 'reliable' is almost like talking about you as if you are an employee. I can see why it irked you. 'Reliable' does not seem the best word to use for a lover. Yes, you might be grateful that they are reliable but I think I would probably have said something different, like 'Thank you, I'm so relieved that the gate is locked, I was worrying about it. Thanks for checking for me.' Regarding picking me up, I would have said thank you and that I appreciated you taking the trouble. I don't think she is 'testing' you. I think she had genuine needs and asked you to help and you did. That's likely to happen in any relationship and signals perhaps that people are becoming more embroiled. I suppose it depends whether you felt you were at that stage too, or if it seemed too soon. I suppose you can only continue to be alert and see how things go. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 28, 2019 Posted July 28, 2019 And, my picking her up at the airport could have gone very differently. I explained to her that I had this obligation that lasted until 7pm but she was a bit insistent on me picking her up. The insisting that you pick her up does concern me a little bit. Can you give a little more detail? We’re you like “well I have somewhere to be at xyz time” and she was like “pretty please will you pick me up?” Because if so then I would say pay attention that speaks to a bit of entitlement and disrespect of your time and choices and comfort. Begging pushing prodding or guilt trips after saying no or showing that your not comfortable is a bit of a toxic selfish action imo. So please clarify. 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 28, 2019 Posted July 28, 2019 I would have been OK with checking the gate, but the airport thing rubs me the wrong way. The gate is something she could have forgot, the airport pickup is bad planning. You know you are going on a trip, you purchased the ticket for the flight, so you make your arrangements (at that time) for your transportation to and from the airport. Poor planning on her part, shouldn't constitute an inconvenience for you. Personally, I would have said "no" to the pickup and explained I had other plans (even if those plans did end in time for the pickup) I don't like rewarding poor planning. I have a trip next month, I'm planning on taking my motorcycle to this sketchy off-field parking lot that has a free shuttle service to the airport. I'm actually hoping the bike gets stolen, so I can get a new one. If the bike does get stolen I'll take a cab home. See I have a plan. 2
Kitty Tantrum Posted July 28, 2019 Posted July 28, 2019 The test is when she asks for something that you're unable to do. See if she keeps it together then or does a "you used to be reliable" flip. This is basically exactly what I spent a lot more words trying to say. Well put. Yeah, THAT'S what you've gotta watch out for. That's when you'll find out whether she's just awkward about demonstrating appreciation, or if there's some kind of manipulation/testing going on. My ex-husband pretty much kissed my butt and sang my praises any time I'd do something for him. Man it was awesome. Right up until he started asking for things I couldn't or didn't want to do, and I was suddenly the most selfish, horrible person in the world. I've been down THAT path far enough to say that it's NEVER too soon to turn back. Or too late, for that matter. Even your self esteem is strong enough not to be manipulated by it, people who do that nonsense aren't worth the time of day. 1
Inspire Posted July 28, 2019 Posted July 28, 2019 It was a really nice gesture on your part to go out of your way to pick her up at the airport and to check her gate but her response might have irked me too. On one hand, I can see it as being a very legitimate compliment. Perhaps she's had experiences in the past of dealing with men that were not very dependable or selfish? You said you've have been dating a month and that things are going "reasonably well" ... Have you two been intimate, has she made any type of comment like that before, do you see and talk to each other often?
Cersei Posted July 28, 2019 Posted July 28, 2019 I don't think she is testing you at all. I think she has been let down numerous times by other people and is surprised and delighted you have come through for her. She just has an odd choice of words for telling you this. Don't be her errand boy. Keep your eyes open for this and make sure she meets your needs whatever those may be. I would hate to see this become one sided.
Gretchen12 Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 The reason you didn't like it is this: she says you're reliable. So if you couldn't do what she asked then you're not reliable? I would only be thinking to myself that this guy is reliable if I already have plans of putting him to work. If it was a test, it was testing to see if you will do it. Men will run all sorts of errands: pick up food, feed the pets, take out garbage, give you rides, help you move, fix things around the house. They'll do that and like it even when they're not in a relationship. That's why you see small women pack huge suitcases they can't handle. There will always be a man, she has never seen before, to get it off the baggage carousel for her, anywhere in the world.
Saracena Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 Hmm....not sure about the testing although I think she probably isn't, per se. However, I can't imagine asking someone I've been seeing for a month to collect me from the airport. Regarding the gate request, how far do you live from her? Because that's something I'd ask one of my neighbours or friends or to to check out. But then I'm on good terms with the former and have their phone numbers, which may not apply in her case!
Redhead14 Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 Yep, I agree with others. It's too soon to be "relying" on you for things like this. Those kinds of things are "boyfriend level" tasks or her other established friends. I'm not saying she's testing you necessarily but it's not outside the realm of possibility. I get why you're radar is up. She's latching on to you already, IMO. 2
Author OatsAndHall Posted July 29, 2019 Author Posted July 29, 2019 The insisting that you pick her up does concern me a little bit. Can you give a little more detail? We’re you like “well I have somewhere to be at xyz time” and she was like “pretty please will you pick me up?” Because if so then I would say pay attention that speaks to a bit of entitlement and disrespect of your time and choices and comfort. Begging pushing prodding or guilt trips after saying no or showing that your not comfortable is a bit of a toxic selfish action imo. So please clarify. Here's the conversation: "Would you be able to pick me up from the airport? My flight lands at 745pm." "I'm going to be tied up until around 7pm and then it'll take me an hour or so to get to the airport." "My brother was going to pick me up but he's stuck in ____, working. I'd really appreciate the help. Please?" (Her brother works in an oilfield out of town and has an odd work schedule) "Alright, I can do that. But you could end up waiting at the airport for awhile." "No, that's okay. Thank you!!" Again, I was happy to pick her up but it seemed a bit insistent. Some of it is my own independence coming out. I'm always glad to help people out but I also rarely ask for favors from anyone.
kendahke Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 I'd just keep a "watch and observe stance" with this assigning tasks BS. The fact she keeps reiterating that you're reliable is what rubs me the wrong way--like you're the dog sitter or something she can easily pay someone to do. Since her plane got in at 7:45, she could have had an uber/lyft meet her at the airport at 7:55 and she'd be home and not waiting in an airport for a ride---and you could have met her at her house at 8:30pm. I get wanting to see you asap, but it's not like she'd have had to wait til the weekend to see you.
frus69 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Here's the conversation: "Alright, I can do that. But you could end up waiting at the airport for awhile." "No, that's okay. Thank you!!" I dont think there is enough evidence to say if she's taking advantage of you, manipulating you or testing you. Solely from the response here, I dont see any problem. If she said "ok but please hurry up" that'd be a problem. Testing you would mean she can easily ask others to help however she picks you to see your reaction. This may not be the case here as maybe she cant find any other help so she asked you. Although they may not be tests, how you respond will definitely affect how she thinks of you. And she's not wrong. We all do that. Whether lovers or friends, we all judge people on their behaviors. If I asked my date for small favors and he rejects, I will think think he is selfish. And if he's happy to help me, def a bonus and I will think very highly of him. I wouldnt label her anything at the moment, let time tell.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I don’t like that oats. The “reliable” compliments really didn’t bother me as much But the insisting “please” after you told her you got something to do that would tie you till 7pm and the “you have proven to me” comment really gives me a feeling about this girl that’s less than innocent now that I got more information This isn’t a deal breaker but this is definitely a keep your eyes open and stick to your boundaries. Which you should do with anybody. The issue I have with the insisting is that when you tell someone you have plans a healthy and humble person would say “oh I understand” and look for other alternatives because you have plans and it’s an inconvenience. That’s called respect for ones decision. But her saying “please” in response to your plans is saying “please forget your plans and do this for me”. Granted it’s for “help” and it’s one thing to not have shame to ask for help but it’s another to not have shame to inconvenience someone. And the push with her “please” is a push for her own way at the expense of you being inconvenienced. “Please” is a form of begging/guilt trip which is a form of manipulation because your essentially not taking no for an answer if you think about it. So that does bother me. Many people use it and say it so she may not be necessarily trying to be “evil” with it lol. But it’s definitely something to watch out for and put up a boundary if it happens again. Good luck
frus69 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 it’s one thing to not have shame to ask for help but it’s another to not have shame to inconvenience someone. most (if not all) favors are inconveniences arent they? And I think when you are dating, you should not mind inconveniences like this because you want to make the other person happy. And the other person should do the same for you (overcome inconveniences to do you favors). If not then he/she is a user.
Arieswoman Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Oats, This seems a bit odd to me. You've only been dating a month and already she has you running errands for her As others have said, where are her friends in all this? I wouldn't overreact at the moment but if it really bothers you, turn down her next request and see how she responds...... 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Your missing the point frus The favor is not my issue I even mentioned her making requests isn’t a bad thing with my first post to this thread My issue was after she asked the favor he gave her an answer letting her know he had plans and plus it would take him an hour to get there. He (the person she asked the favor) basically let her know it was inconvenient and why. She didn’t care. She went into what she needed/wanted and then threw in “please”. That’s a problem that she wanted to push her own way after he already expressed reservations about it. I said on my first post that asking favors isn’t an issue. It’s only an issue if she is selfish and one sided when it came to her requests and if she doesn’t respect his boundaries when he says no or express that he is not comfortable. When he said she insisted that’s when I got concerned. Insisting is past asking for favors. that went into her not respecting his first response to her favor and not respecting his boundaries and comfort. So you can reword, slice it, and make it pretty how you want frus. But to me that’s something one should not ignore. I think he should keep his eyes open and have a boundary against that behavior. Don’t get me wrong I am not suggesting he breaks up if she insists again but I do think he needs to be firm on his no if she asks him to do soemthing he either really doesn’t want to do or doesn’t feel comfortable doing or has other obligations that he can’t do. If she catches an attitude and treats him differently after he tells her no then yea I do think he should cut the girl loose. That’s a partner no one needs. Nothing wrong with a man doing things for a woman and vice versa but it’s not good, right, nor fair to arm twist, beg, nag, guilt trip, and manipulate after an answer you don’t like has already been given. People should respect other people’s nos. Period.
chillii Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 l think it's a bit more time thing, you'll soon start noticing an entitlement thing and other stuff too if that is what it was.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I agree chilli people can have selfish moments and it doesnt make them an overall selfish person but I would encourage Op to just keep his eyes open
Maddie82 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I think this is all just being blown way out of proportion. No, she's not testing you. She is appreciating you. You have a good thing going between you so don't let others here put crazy ideas in your head about her. All the best. 1
introverted1 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Here's the conversation: "Would you be able to pick me up from the airport? My flight lands at 745pm." "I'm going to be tied up until around 7pm and then it'll take me an hour or so to get to the airport." "My brother was going to pick me up but he's stuck in ____, working. I'd really appreciate the help. Please?" (Her brother works in an oilfield out of town and has an odd work schedule) "Alright, I can do that. But you could end up waiting at the airport for awhile." "No, that's okay. Thank you!!" I don't read this as insistent. Your response wasn't a 'no' - rather, it seemed like a 'yes' with an explanation about why you might not be there on time. In any case, I feel hopelessly old-fashioned because what kind of weird world do we live in where she can (I'm guessing) ask him to perform oral sex but not ask for a ride from the airport without other people saying she's entitled? 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 for the record I didnt agree with the statement of Op being "owed" a blow job and a steak for taking her to the airport but if it was a yes what did she need to say please for? if I say can I have $5.00 and if you tell me yes. I am not going to say please. people say please when its a no or it looks like its going to be a no anyways this is more so about how the girl responded to the fact that he would be inconvenienced that I am saying be cautious of. not exactly what op meant....
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