OatsAndHall Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 I have been seeing a woman for about a month now. Things have moved along reasonably well; she's attractive, well-spoken, intelligent and we've had a good time together. She's been on vacation for the last week and a couple of comments she's made via text has my hackles up a bit. About two days into her vacation, she asked me if I could run over to her place and make sure her back gate was locked. She couldn't remember if she locked it or not and was worried. I ran over, saw it was locked and she stated; "Thank you so much! I was really worried about that and I'm glad you're reliable!" Yesterday morning, she texted me to ask if I could pick her up from the airport. I gladly accepted as I look forward to seeing her. I did explain to her that I have an obligation until around 7pm and will then drive an hour to the airport. Her flight comes in around 815pm so she might sitting around for a bit. Again, I look forward to seeing her and don't mind the drive. Her response to this: "Thank you! You've been really reliable this week! I'm glad I can count on you!" So, I can't help but feel as if I'm being tested here which I honestly don't like. It feels manipulative to me. Thoughts?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 Nah. She just gives odd compliments, I think. 1
preraph Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 You need to get over that! That's awfully defensive. She is just complimenting you because you did something nice for her. What would have been your preference? Listen, it's a relief to many when they find someone they can count on. She likely has someone, maybe just a sibling, in her life, such as I do, who she can't rely on, so she's happy to find someone who can be counted on to remember to do things and doesn't have a problem with it. Let's say you're totally right and she's testing to see if you're reliable. So what? The sooner you find out what people are like in different situations, the sooner you can trust them and have more info whether you want to be with them or not. Now, if she continues to run you to and fro like her butler, that's different. I do wonder why she hadn't asked you in advance to pick her up at the airport, though. 1
FMW Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 I agree with you, "reliable" isn't a word to be throwing around after one month of dating. It can hold an implication of you owing her something, and yes, "testing". Honestly she probably was just complimenting you for being willing to be available for her though. I wouldn't write her off yet 1
rightondude Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 she may just not be the best compliment giver. unless she starts giving you other chores or something I would just take it as her saying thanks for helping her out...and hopefully she shows her appreciation! 2
Mrin Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 Given the fact that one of the most often heard complaints I hear from women about men is that they're not "reliable or dependable", I would take it as a compliment from a woman who has had her fair share of unreliable guys. I see no testing here. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 Why are you hackles already up, OP? What has happened in your past that has you on such high alert? She's trying to compliment you, not test you. Chill. 4
The Outlaw Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 I don't see any manipulation. She could simply be filling you out to see if she feels the relationship is worth it. 1
kendahke Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 She's making it sound like you're her errand boy, which you aren't. I'd be pissed if someone who is basically a stranger was assigning tasks to me as if we've known each other like that for some time now. I dunno---it feels a bit like Sh-testing. Lyft and Uber also will pick one up from the airport and they are reliable, too... At least she didn't bust your chops for making her wait for the obligation you had to attend to first before getting her. Did you bring this up with her? 1
alphamale Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 If the sex is good just let this "reliable" thing slide 2
smackie9 Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 If you are picking her up at the airport she owes you a steak and a bj 4
Gretchen12 Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 She's not testing you. She just doesn't have any friends. Don't date people who have no friends. 1
alphamale Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 If you are picking her up at the airport she owes you a steak and a bj seconded *raises hand* 1
crispytoast Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 If you are picking her up at the airport she owes you a steak and a bj Thirded
JuneL Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 Are you guys official bf-gf? I also found it odd that she would treat you like an assistant to run errands for her, which is consistent with the word “reliable” (that’s what you say to your cleaning lady). Who did those things for her before you? 1
Author OatsAndHall Posted July 27, 2019 Author Posted July 27, 2019 She texted me before she boarded her flight to make sure I was picking her up. I confirmed that I would indeed be there. The response: "Thanks again. You've proven to me this week that you can be counted on."
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 Do you think she is trying to take advantage of you? Like do you think she is trying to see if she can’t take a mile when you give her an inch or take your kindness for weakness? Or are you just annoyed that she keeps asking for favors in general? We don’t know if there is an agenda and she is just naturally the type of woman to ask her friends family and acquaintances for favors and not necessarily trying to test you. She may just doesn’t feel shame about asking for help. We don’t know if she is asking because she really is just trying to get as much as she can out of you without being reciprocal. We don’t know if she is really into you and wants to see if you are kind and giving because she herself is also very giving and wants to be with a partner that’s the same as her and does what she feels is important in a relationship. So I don’t think her making requests is necessarily a good or bad thing in itself. The agenda behind it could be innocent, good, or bad. Saavy women do want to be with boyfriends that are reliable. Heck people want or should want a partner that they can count on. Both men and women should choose and be with people who are givers and not just takers. So to me I don’t necessarily think it’s a problem that she makes requests. However I do think it’s a problem if a) she was selfish towards you yet asking for every darn thing, b) she keeps asking after you say no or show any negative reaction to her requests So I’m curious to know oats why this bothers you? Knowing why it bothers you can help determine a course of action on what’s the best thing to do. If it bothers you because you don’t want to get taken advantage of then a way you can manage or deal with requests is just have boundaries. If it’s something you really don’t mind doing then you just say yes. If it’s something you really don’t want to do or is not comfortable or have a problem with then you say no. Pay attention how she responds when you say no. If she gets an attitude well THAT told you what you needed to know about her. Not that she makes requests but that she doesn’t respect your boundaries. If you want to ensure that she is reciprocal then make requests yourself. Say she is coming over and you got a nice dinner planned at your place well then you can ask her to bring wine (if you drink) or dessert or something like that. See how she responds. If she catches an attitude that you asked something of her well again THAT told you the actual problem. She is selfish, entitled, and hypocritical. So again what about her requests really bothers you? Find that out then you can decide what to do about it.
alphamale Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 She texted me before she boarded her flight to make sure I was picking her up. I confirmed that I would indeed be there. The response: "Thanks again. You've proven to me this week that you can be counted on." dude you're going to have some great sex when you get home 1
Marc878 Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 Doesn't necessarily sound like it but time will tell. I wouldn't put more into any relationship unless you're getting @ the same back though.
Author OatsAndHall Posted July 27, 2019 Author Posted July 27, 2019 (edited) I don't feel like she is taking advantage of me, at all. I don't know her well but she doesn't strike me as that kind of person. Quite the contrary; she seems to be very independent. I'm also more than happy to help her out. Hell, I spent eight hours digging fence posts for a friend I see a few times a year last week. I am a little bothered because these do seem to be tests. I understand that people are looking for reliable significant others. But, asking for favors with what may be ulterior motives bothers me as I don't view it as honest. All she needs to do is continue to spend time with me and she will see in a hurry that I am punctual, reliable, and I keep my word and obligations. And, my picking her up at the airport could have gone very differently. I explained to her that I had this obligation that lasted until 7pm but she was a bit insistent on me picking her up. Luckily, I can bail on this at 7pm on the dot and hit the road. But, there was a good chance that I could have gotten tied up much later than 7pm and would have told her that she would either need to wait an hour or more for me at the airport or get an Uber. We've had a good time together and I am just going to continue to roll with it. We haven't been hanging out for very long and I'm not going to make a mountain out of molehill with this. But, if it continues, I will ask her if she is asking me for favors because she needs them or if she is testing me. Edited July 27, 2019 by OatsAndHall 1
Kitty Tantrum Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 It does seem weird to me. The impression I get isn't necessarily one of TESTING - almost more like conditioning. She asks you to do something, you follow through, and she says "good boy!" and pats you on the head. Maybe not, but I'd watch for signs that she might be trying to establish an approval-as-leverage sort of relationship, where she sets herself up to question your character and the entire foundation of your relationship any time your existing plans or obligations conflict with her requests.
mark clemson Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 All she needs to do is continue to spend time with me and she will see in a hurry that I am punctual, reliable, and I keep my word and obligations. Well, sounds like the two of you may have a future then. Hopefully, you'll still like her qualities in a few months time. Agreeing with CuriousRoxy and I think others that if you start feeling like she's genuinely just using you then it's time to bail We've had a good time together and I am just going to continue to roll with it. We haven't been hanging out for very long and I'm not going to make a mountain out of molehill with this. But, if it continues, I will ask her if she is asking me for favors because she needs them or if she is testing me. It seems to me like this quality is important to her (and some women are seconding this above). Why make a big deal out of it? Perhaps I'm wrong, but I have heard that many women feel a need to test men in various ways as R's develop - can you keep your temper? are you independent? do you get jealous irrationally? do you like children? etc... Think it just comes with the territory. I get wanting an open, direct conversation about what's important to her - that presumes honesty. But really anyone can say, and actually even think, that they're reliable but not really be it. Hence the "testing".
jspice Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 I don’t see it as her testing you. I think that, like me, she’s used to doing things for herself. Maybe because in the past she’s asked people to do little things for her but they’ve proven they couldn’t be trusted to handle even little things. When I’m dating someone I don’t ask for them to do any little favours because I’ve been let down. After I start to feel they’ve been a pretty stand up people, I will ask for something small, moreso for me to start letting my guard down rather than testing them. Let me tell you, when that one person comes through for me and I haven’t had to remind them over and over again, I can really start to trust them more in other facets of my life. I’m looking to for someone who adds to my life, not another person who relies on me to do everything for them. If she is anything like me, you’ve given her something really special. I don’t think she’ll overload you with requests but now she knows she can depend on you, just like you could probably depend on her.
FMW Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 It might be a case of her following some questionable dating advice. I've heard it before - let the man help you and feel manly and then show him your "feminine appreciation". 2
chillii Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 (edited) l dunno , l love it when you start doing things like this for each other , it's becoming part of each others lives . As long as intentions were true. And the airport too, l mean l'd like her to want me to pick her up, l'd like her to be dying to see me . She kinda put it funny though , reliable and all that, sounds a bit kind of , might be nothing just an odd term,but like kinda of working for her type thing, for the want of a better word. Buttt, you see her and her nature and ways, by now more and more. Personally even if it was testing l think everyone tests a bit even if subconsciously especially women, it wouldn't bother me, kinda funny. But if it was more an arrogance or using thing of course not good. Edited July 27, 2019 by chillii
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