ex-GF ended the relationship because she doubted my sexual orientation

[erosgruv]

the skinny is i'm a guy who's very happy to have been and always be straight. nonetheless, my ex gf ended our eight-month relationship for good in late july because of MAJOR concerns she had expressed about my orientation in late april. the moments in question were that a handful of times in the past i'd gone to a gay bar in town. the real context of why i went, and which she selectively didn't hear/understand, is that i went a handful of times about 7 years ago only when the club held its "straight night" promotions. i was always impressed with the female talent that went to these events, and i also loved listening to certain DJs perform. this club, in particular, was a huge attraction for some very famous DJs to perform at. ultimately, i'm comfortable enough in my own sexuality that i've gotten along well with all sorts of people regardless of orientation, race, creed or background. needless to say, i didn't think twice about entering this type of estalishment.

 

this was THE major issue that in her mind she was unable to get over; thus, forcing her to end things. there were a few additional concerns she had as well, but they could have been addressed and likely resolved, if not for her being so concerned with the primary issue.

 

after the breakup, i did the typical dumpee dance...begging, pleading, trying, removing all of my self-respect to get back together. in late august, i finally woke up and committed to full NC. initially, i did not call her but did send two emails -- the first of which on my first day of NC stated to her what i was going to do (in a respectable manner), and the second was a response to her unanswered phone call a few days after beginging NC (again reiterating my intentions to heal first before even considering communication of any kind or even a friendship. also wishing her the best, good luck finding her perfect guy, etc.).

 

a week later, she called and actually left a message, saying to the effect of "i know you're probably ignoring my calls right now...it's understandable...take care". also referencing some nature-induced incidents locally and making sure i was alright.

 

so after 3 weeks of not speaking with her, she called last monday. she didn't leave a message on my cell but did leave a message on my home number, telling me she wanted to talk and for me to call her back. since i'm not yet over her (and to avoid sounding like a sniveling wuss...again), i refrained from picking up the phone and instead emailed her the next day. my message was short, polite, to the point, saying that i'd be open to chatting if she were interested in having a serious discussion about working things out between us. if not, i understood but asked that she also respect why i couldn't speak with her in the immediate future. no response, so i broke and called her last saturday. luckily it was her voicemail, so i left a message saying that i wanted to make sure she received my email and then asking her what she wanted to discuss. haven't heard from her since then.

 

all of those old, desperate, needy feelings started to come up again (and things were slowly yet surely starting to progress for me in those 3 short weeks). i will resist calling her back albeit without lack of temptation. i probably won't answer if she does call back and instead will listen to her voicemail, if any, and take my cue on what to do from there.

 

in the meantime, i know i've done a good job so far about not overanalyzing, but i'm wondering why she would leave a message for me to specifically call her back to talk, yet, she hasn't responded after my reply. the obvious answer is that she probably didn't want to talk about getting back together, and i'm starting to accept that now. what other possibilities could there be?

 

this has been an especially tough one for me to handle because even after such a short romance, we both progressed quickly to the point that we even discussed the "m" word, for one thing.

[Art_Critic]

saying that i'd be open to chatting if she were interested in having a serious discussion about working things out between us. if not, i understood but asked that she also respect why i couldn't speak with her in the immediate future.

She is just respecting your wishes.. You know her anwser because you laid out the rules..

 

You told he that working it out was the reason you could chat with her...

Well........... You now know

[GreatToBeHere]

Impressed with the female talent? How does she feel about that? Did you ask her to go along with you to the club? What's your connection with the club? Do you go on your own? I am sure that all these questions would be going through her mind aswell.

 

Maybe it's a matter of working out how your parnter feels about it. Is it the first time the matter has come up? Have you kept going even though you know it upsets her? Obviously she would prefer not to be with you if you continue to go so I guess you have a choice to make.

[erosgruv]

She is just respecting your wishes.. You know her anwser because you laid out the rules..

 

You told he that working it out was the reason you could chat with her...

Well........... You now know

 

true, and it's reassuring in a way to get this type of confirmation. back to square one of NC...

[erosgruv]

Impressed with the female talent? How does she feel about that? Did you ask her to go along with you to the club? What's your connection with the club? Do you go on your own? I am sure that all these questions would be going through her mind aswell.

 

Maybe it's a matter of working out how your parnter feels about it. Is it the first time the matter has come up? Have you kept going even though you know it upsets her? Obviously she would prefer not to be with you if you continue to go so I guess you have a choice to make.

 

i haven't gone in 7 years and, yes, it was a great place to meet women. i went with other straight friends only on these "straight" nights. the more i think about it, the relationship ended because of whatever insecurities she had. such a shame it ended this way for what was beginning to look like a very promising relationship.

[GreatToBeHere]

Sounds like she might have expressed her concerns about you going there before and you have chosen to ignore them and keep going. Guess you need to think about how committed you want to be in a relationship with her.

 

Have you ever aksed her to go with you? Would that bother you?

 

I am not saying you can't have your own space but you need to be sensitive about her thoughts also and maybe you have just taken the attitude that you will do what you want regardless of how she feels about it.

 

She then has a choice to make too and maybe that is what has happened.

[erosgruv]

Sounds like she might have expressed her concerns about you going there before and you have chosen to ignore them and keep going. Guess you need to think about how committed you want to be in a relationship with her.

 

Have you ever aksed her to go with you? Would that bother you?

 

I am not saying you can't have your own space but you need to be sensitive about her thoughts also and maybe you have just taken the attitude that you will do what you want regardless of how she feels about it.

 

She then has a choice to make too and maybe that is what has happened.

 

maybe i wasn't clear before. i went to this club 7 years before i ever met this girl. i haven't been back since, and nor do i have any interest in going anymore. not for any other reason than being over the bar/club scene nowadays. she obviously made a choice, but for going to this place 7 years ago? makes absolutely no sense to me.

[georgiagirl76]

I know that I may not know the full story but either she doesn't really know you or she used the orientation thing as an excuse to break up with you. Going to a club that advertises itself on being a gay club doesn't make anyone gay. It also seems odd to me that if she was really committed to you she would think that. Additionally if she had a problem with you going to this club and it was a major issue that should be a red flag as weel. You made it very clear that this happened way before you started dating. It is very immature to get mad about past behavior that didn't involve you. Also, if she is upset because it was a gay club (even if you went on a straight night) that should be a red flag as well. You seem to be a very open and accepting person, if she has issues then you most likely would have problems in the long run anyway.

 

I think you will waste your time if she did indeed come back. Don't you want to be with someone who loves you and understands you and doesn't doubt a very essential part of who you are? You shouldn't have to explaint your sexual orientation to your girlfriend- either she is missing something and doesn't understand how true intimacy works (and I don't mean physical intimacy) or you are leaving out something. Either way, I think it is best to go back to NC and start again on your road to healing.

[erosgruv]

gg, you pretty much nailed it on the head. i'm beginning to question whether i'd want someone like this back anyway. i've asked and confirmed with her enough times to feel assured that there wasn't any third party involved or that the orientation issue was just an excuse for her to break things off. it's such a frustrating, confusing situation because this girl moved out here for me. that's a pretty strong show of commitment. yet, whatever insecurities, judgments, narrow-mindedness she had were apparently overwhelming enough to dramatically skew her thought process.

 

in one of my previous emails to her, i questioned even being friends with her in the future because don't true friends trust one another unconditionally, show complete patience and understanding? my position from the start has been pretty clear about what i'm looking for, so her latest attempt at contact gave me impression that she still has enough mixed feelings about the breakup to take the initiative and call.

 

one peer suggested that if she does call back again, that i should approach the conversation more relaxed and not so firm on my position. instead, do less leading and let her lead the conversation. keep the convo light yet short and make sure that i end it first while leaving the door open for her to call back again if she wanted to.

 

i understand this isn't the best way to handle things if i've already made a decision to permanently keep this person in my past, but i'm still unsure what i want out of this in the end.

[georgiagirl76]

Well

From all my other posts you know I think that NC is best for the beginning. Even if you aren't going to do it for the long haul and think there is a chance of you getting back. Take some time and think about it.

Hang in there

[GreatToBeHere]

Ooops my apologies. I did think it was because you were going to the club in the current period and regularly.

 

Now that you have made it clear, I think she has just used it as an excuse. From what you have said, seems no reason really to break up.

 

Think you need to decide if you want to be with someone like that. Sounds like she is messing with your head a bit.

[jomaxfury]

When an ex leaves you for stupid reasons....Trust me they will make up any excuse later on to leave you. No point of getting or thinking about getting back with them. My ex made any excuse to break up with me, she did this so many times...Until the last time I told her good bye. NC is working eventhough my feelings play with me once in a while.

Sorry to say this let her go! If you ever reconcile with her she will do it again. No one deserves that.

[erosgruv]

joma, point taken as well. i know this may sound like i'm idolizing her, but my gut tells me that as stupid a reason as i agree with you she had for the breakup, i really feel in her mind these were real concerns. uninformed, immature, judgmental, yes, but real concerns for her nonetheless.

 

curious, but what were your ex's various "reasons" for ending your relationship? sounds like it happened more than once.

[jomaxfury]

Eros,

Let me give you an example of my relationship. I told my ex that I needed to finish my volunteer hours in order to get school credit and get a goverment grant. So we can spend more time this past summer together. She told me if I went that I wasn't thinking about her and I didn't care about the relationship, and I didn't give her or the relationship enough time, funny because we saw each other everyday at school. So me being a dumbass spent more time with her, then she told me that i didn't give her enough time, and this is what she did she left a message on my cell phone that she a found another guy. So the next day she comes to class crying and telling me that it was all a lie, that she would do anything to be with me. She said "I was just stress out because of midterms and did'nt know how to tell you". Things like that, when things were going good for us then she would do that again. It's been 7 weeks now of NC she doing her own thing. She has alot of issues in her life that I don't need to get involve...

I know it hurts...but if you really love her let her go, because is going to hurt more later on.

[erosgruv]

so she finally called back tonight, and i decided to answer the phone. i hadn't talked to her in about a month, so curiosity got the better of me. her big news to tell me was that she accepted a contract assignment back in her hometown and just moved back over the weekend.

 

according to her, she needed to tell me this because she hated the way things ended and cared for me enough that she felt i needed to know of her situation.

 

since i had her attention, i shared with her my thoughts as well about her stupid reasons for breaking up with me. i wasn't emotional about it but was straightforward.

 

she asked if she could send a book back that i lent her. i politely declined. she also commented that she felt better now that she was able to speak with me. i am SO glad that i was able to make her happy <extreme sarcasm>. and she said that i could call her anytime if i wanted to talk. i know it sounds laughable in print, but her voice sounded quite sincere when she said this.

 

i never questioned her sincerity, which is so frustrating because she was such an uninformed, insecure person but with a big heart. i guess now that she's no longer here physically, i hope it helps with my healing that much faster.