Why can't I get over my ex that was horrible to/for me?

[whysotough]

Hello everybody.

 

I'm going to make this as short as I possibly can.

 

I met this girl 8 years ago, totally random, and we instantly had incredible connection. We were both very young at the time (me 21, and her 20).

We pretty much had a spark right away and started dating, after which point it becomes a distant friendship. I'd visit as often as I could as I truly was in love with her.

 

Over the years we grew closer via watsapp, but we were quiet different people. I was very expressive, she always kept to herself. We never indulged in "deep" conversations, she never talked about her problems, we sort of didn't have the emotional connection that I wished to have. I was extremely extremely attracted to her however (which is probably why I still yearn for her).

Gradually the deeper we got into the relationships and the stronger my feelings for her, this bothered me.

She barely showed any excitement whenever I came to visit. She claimed that she "didn't let herself go", as she was a little conservative at the time (no premarital sex), she also didn't drink at the time (does now). I respected her in any case, but I couldn't help but feel if she was as head over heels about me, she would be somewhat more excited to see me.

She never came to pick me from the airport, she often came up late to our dates after my catching a flight to come and visit her. She genuinely didn't make me feel like I meant much to her, aside from her and I engaging on watsap. She knew without a doubt how deeply I felt about her, and I know how secure this made her.

 

Her constant "hot" and "cold" moods really took a toll on me, and I started to become insecure.

Anything that bothered me about what she was doing, she never took the time to converse about, it was simply me having to deal with it alone. Often if I gave an opinion about something she did with best interest in heart, she would fire at me telling me I was judging her.

I feel terrible for becoming this protective and jealous person that I did towards the end, which I truly believe was a consequence of her moods. My mood totally depended on hers. If she was on a cold day that day, my mood would be ruined as well.

Gradually it got too much for the both of us. I think she felt that I was "holding her back", but in reality, she always did whatever she wanted.

I never had a problem with anything she did per se. The problem was that I grew to become extremely insecure. I hadn't experienced this side of myself in a previous relationship.

She is a lovely girl, but perhaps we brought the worst in each other.

 

Fast forward over a year of a breakup, no contact, and I still miss her.

I miss mostly the way she looked, and the way I felt when I was with her.

Nothing more, as we didn't have the emotional connection, we didn't have sex, so nor the physical connection.

Today I understand she has grown to "let herself go". She drinks now, probably more things have changed but I am not in touch with her anymore.

I have seen photos of mutual friends with her at parties etc every weekend. This is totally not my kind of scene at this age (I'm 30), but to each his/her own.

 

I also dated another girl after her who was incredible to me, but decided to break up with her as I still need to deal with my ex.

I don't know if I am in love with her still, or if it is "lust", but every now and then she keeps running through my head for a few days.

Truth be told, I'm not even sure I'd ever go down that road again.

I refuse the be the person I became when I was with her, and I refuse to let another person control my emotions and my mood the way she could control mine.

I know without a shred of doubt in my mind that she see's my as this villain that was possessive and protective, blinded by the fact that any person will show horrible sides when they are insecure, let down, and hurt.

She tries to sometimes get my attention by liking my photos on Instagram, but we do not engage in any sort of communication. I have muted her posts so I do not see them, but admittedly, every now and then I will take a peak.

 

I am not hurting, but I am confused.

I do miss her, and I do believe she was 100% my type, but only in the way she looks, not in the way she was.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Beachead]

Hey man,

 

Read your post but before I reply, I was hoping you could answer me a few questions.

 

1.Was this a long distance relationship? You mentioned flying out to her area.

2. Do you still have her on any social media applications?

3. Other than looks, is there anything else you miss about her?

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

[ExpatInItaly]

Just to clarify - were you ever officially a couple?

 

I ask because the way you describe it, you were more like friends but you were in love with her. It doesn't sound much like a real relationship, but a one-sided yearning with the only romantic interest coming from you. I don't get the impression she was all that into you.

 

You also say you were "protective", so I am curious what you mean exactly. When I hear someone say that, it always strikes me as being controlling and somewhat parental. Can you elaborate on how why you felt you needed to protect her in some way, and if it was really just jealousy and insecurity in disguise?

[whysotough]

Hey man,

 

Read your post but before I reply, I was hoping you could answer me a few questions.

 

1.Was this a long distance relationship? You mentioned flying out to her area.

2. Do you still have her on any social media applications?

3. Other than looks, is there anything else you miss about her?

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

 

Thank you.

1. It was a long distance relationship, correct.

2. Yes. I do not visit it. Have it muted - probably once every month. No other social media account.

3. Quite honestly, she was perfectly my type in the way she looked, and that is what I miss the most about her. I do miss how I felt around her, but that was a result of how strongly I felt towards her, and nothing that she "did" per se.

 

Just to clarify - were you ever officially a couple?

 

I ask because the way you describe it, you were more like friends but you were in love with her. It doesn't sound much like a real relationship, but a one-sided yearning with the only romantic interest coming from you. I don't get the impression she was all that into you.

 

You also say you were "protective", so I am curious what you mean exactly. When I hear someone say that, it always strikes me as being controlling and somewhat parental. Can you elaborate on how why you felt you needed to protect her in some way, and if it was really just jealousy and insecurity in disguise?

 

We were officially a couple yes.

She certainly was (at least the first half of it). Later it was waves of hot and cold from her side, which totally destroyed me.

After that, she decided we should go on a break for a bit. She was not entirely certain how she felt about me, or what she wanted. I was devastated but respected her decision. 2 months later, she reached out, we worked it out and resumed. It did without a doubt leave a toll on me. I was effectively dating and in love with a girl who was uncertain felt the same way towards me.

 

I admit to becoming controlling. I never saw that I had the right to tell her she should, or should not do a certain thing in any way.

This started primarily after we went on the so called "break".

I would tend to ask her which guys she was hanging out with, I'd ask when she'd be back home etc. This irritated her a lot. She never assured me of anything, but instead she got annoyed and told me "they're just friends" without providing any names, and then told me to stop asking.

Looking back, I wish I did not do that. I truly don't recognize the guy I became during the last quarter of that relationship, but I could not help but feel so insecure and jealous.

 

Regarding the part where I mentioned about having and opinion for her best interest in heart. These were things like these.

- She started to dress in a weird manner to sort of keep "trendy" after she made a few new friends that dressed a certain way.

- She would change her hairstyle, apply an unusual amount of make up, publicize revealing photos she never had in the past, etc.

- She started to act a way she was not.

 

I genuinely believed she looked better the way she did prior to all this, she was trying to impress people that cared very little for her, and I was trying to help her realize that the more we become obsessed with "likes" on these social media accounts, the more we get addicted to it. I'm a private person, and so I believe to keep personal family and friends privately. I like to enjoy and experience things rather than to spend hours to capture the right image of the social event.

In her mind, I was totally a judgmental and a delusional person.

Roles reversed, whenever we had differences I would explain to her that this is why I do it, this is how I like things done; that it brings me joy, etc etc. I'd try to communicate a way to make her comfortable with a certain thing.

For her, it was a non negotiable, no discussion, except that "you're so judgmental".

[ExpatInItaly]

How she dresses and does her makeup is her choice, OP. You may not like it but you have no vote. It also isn't your job to help her "realize" what social media is about. Your way (being more private) is not the only way. Some love it, some don't. It's not up to you to convince her that your perspective is the correct one; it's just different from hers.

 

Anyway, that's a rather inconsequential point. The main problem, as I see it, is that she was nowhere near as into you as you were into her. You did the majority of the heavy lifting in the relationship; that's your clue that you are investing in the wrong person.

 

It's time to cut all contact, everywhere, if you haven't already done so.

Edited July 27, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[whysotough]

How she dresses and does her makeup is her choice, OP. You may not like it but you have no vote. It also isn't your job to help her "realize" what social media is about. Your way (being more private) is not the only way. Some love it, some don't. It's not up to you to convince her that your perspective is the correct one; it's just different from hers.

 

Anyway, that's a rather inconsequential point. The main problem, as I see it, is that she was nowhere near as into you as you were into her. You did the majority of the heavy lifting in the relationship; that's your clue that you are investing in the wrong person.

 

It's time to cut all contact, everywhere, if you haven't already done so.

 

You are absolutely right. I suppose I justified my behavior because of how I felt in the relationship. I did not have the right, and I do not wish to be a partner that feels he should have an input on the other persons way of dressing / living etc.

 

I pretty much have. I did not remove her off IG because I wanted to keep it "mature". I rarely do visit her account though - I find that I feel the worst when I do, which is why I have promised myself not to do it anymore.

Would there be any sense to send a message, as an apology, sort of like "closure", after so long?

I have no interest in getting back with her, that is something I can say with certainty. I do not wish to ever feel how I did in the relationship - one sided.

[Beachead]

@whysotough

 

I think a good way to combat when looking back at the past relationship in pain, is to reinforce why it wasn't going to work out anyway.

 

For one, your ex was uninterested and uninvested. Showing up late to a plan after you flew out to her area stinks of "I don't care." So disrespectful.

 

I think beginning your relationship as a long distance couple meant this was doomed to fail as well. In the beginning, people need close proximity to get to know eachother and build experienced and memories. You have to establish a strong foundation of loyalty, respect and love. You two didn't have the luxury of that. Furthermore, if there's no established date where you both are going to move in together or atleast to the same city, then you are in distance indefinitely. Puts everything in limbo. Without an end-goal, the relationship is going nowhere. Also in long distance, doing things require extra effort and energy. Therefore, there is a lot of pressure to make meet-ups count. It takes the organic flowing nature of being in the same city, out of the equation and makes it feel more forced. I think this is is likely part of the reason for why she never really became attached or committed to you.

 

I assume you two are in your early 20's which means you're young. That youth compounded the challenges that come with long distance. The 20's are a time of incredible change. You both are still learning and growing and experiencing in life. Who I was at 20 isn't who I was at 25 and who I was at 25 wasn't who I was at 30. I changed a lot in the years. Probably one of the worst cases for people in this age bracket is to trap themselves into a long distance relationship. It's like caging a bird that was meant to fly.

 

Anyway, her lack of interest lead her to do things that single people probably do or ones that don't want to be in a relationship would do. You felt something was off which started to make you feel insecure which is was why you began questioning her and becoming possessive and controlling. The more you tried to box her in, the more she distanced and the more it accelerated the whole process of her leaving...but make no mistake, even if you were the perfect boyfriend..she was going to leave. The conditions just weren't right.

 

Overall, what you feel isn't love or lust. It seems more like you needed her and the relationship to be what you needed it to be to fill something that might be lacking in your life. A lot of unexplainable reasons for why we miss people who treated us badly or why we stick around in toxic situations can be explained if we turn our focus within and take a long hard look.

 

She wasn't all that great my friend.

 

You can apologize to her if you wish but I don't think you did anything wrong really. And from my experiences, it's always a bad idea to reopen channels with exes. She may not reply or may just give you a dry response that'll make you feel like crap. Then you might dwell on that, feel worse, and then get an urge to want to contact them again. It can be a downward spiral. Also, there is still a part of you that's holding onto her which is why you still have her on social media even if you barely look. It's sense of comfort of knowing that you can see what she's up to when you want..functions like a pair of crutches. That doesn't allow you to regain your strength and move forward because you're relying on those crutches. I would block and delete her off of all of it. This is a way to push yourself forward.

 

- Beach

Edited July 27, 2019 by Beachead

[OatsAndHall]

IMO, it appears as if you're struggling with the roller-coaster of the relationship and how it impacted you. Use this to your advantage; it doesn't appear as if she treated you or the relationship with much respect. So, approach this from two angles. First of all, take relief in the fact that you don't have to put up with it any more. Secondly, recognize that it was a bad relationship and you deserve better.

 

 

 

And, use it as a learning lesson; don't keep a relationship going with someone who is acting that way. And, recognize that what you are describing as controlling behavior was YOUR behavior, regardless of the outside stimulus. That behavior came about because you didn't trust her and you had good reason not to. But, it's time to end a relationship as soon as soon you lose trust in someone.

[preraph]

First of all, she doesn't sound like she's really your ex because it doesn't sound like she felt the same way, plus you weren't even in the same area and able to see each other much. Sounds like she just considered you a friend and wasn't even all that enthusiastic about the friendship. You have no idea what she was doing where she was living.

 

Second, you yourself know you don't like how she actually was but just how she looked, so that's not love. That's lust. You wasted a lot of time chasing her just because you were sexually attracted to her and you got nowhere.

 

So I think you need to come up for air at some point and realize what a wasted exercise this whole thing was, how much time you wasted because you were following your penis, and you need to realize that even if she had had sex with you, you don't really even like how she is so that's all it would have been.

 

Then you need to start asking yourself in the wee hours of the night why you would allow yourself to invest everything in a person you merely thought was attractive rather than pursuing someone whose personality you liked and who was interested in you back. Do you know anyone who set that example for you, that the only thing of value was how a woman looked and that that is enough?

 

It might not hurt to do some counseling, but if you do, you need to be honest with them right away and not waste time.

[whysotough]

@whysotough

 

I think a good way to combat when looking back at the past relationship in pain, is to reinforce why it wasn't going to work out anyway.

 

For one, your ex was uninterested and uninvested. Showing up late to a plan after you flew out to her area stinks of "I don't care." So disrespectful.

 

I think beginning your relationship as a long distance couple meant this was doomed to fail as well. In the beginning, people need close proximity to get to know eachother and build experienced and memories. You have to establish a strong foundation of loyalty, respect and love. You two didn't have the luxury of that. Furthermore, if there's no established date where you both are going to move in together or atleast to the same city, then you are in distance indefinitely. Puts everything in limbo. Without an end-goal, the relationship is going nowhere. Also in long distance, doing things require extra effort and energy. Therefore, there is a lot of pressure to make meet-ups count. It takes the organic flowing nature of being in the same city, out of the equation and makes it feel more forced. I think this is is likely part of the reason for why she never really became attached or committed to you.

 

I assume you two are in your early 20's which means you're young. That youth compounded the challenges that come with long distance. The 20's are a time of incredible change. You both are still learning and growing and experiencing in life. Who I was at 20 isn't who I was at 25 and who I was at 25 wasn't who I was at 30. I changed a lot in the years. Probably one of the worst cases for people in this age bracket is to trap themselves into a long distance relationship. It's like caging a bird that was meant to fly.

 

Anyway, her lack of interest lead her to do things that single people probably do or ones that don't want to be in a relationship would do. You felt something was off which started to make you feel insecure which is was why you began questioning her and becoming possessive and controlling. The more you tried to box her in, the more she distanced and the more it accelerated the whole process of her leaving...but make no mistake, even if you were the perfect boyfriend..she was going to leave. The conditions just weren't right.

 

Overall, what you feel isn't love or lust. It seems more like you needed her and the relationship to be what you needed it to be to fill something that might be lacking in your life. A lot of unexplainable reasons for why we miss people who treated us badly or why we stick around in toxic situations can be explained if we turn our focus within and take a long hard look.

 

She wasn't all that great my friend.

 

You can apologize to her if you wish but I don't think you did anything wrong really. And from my experiences, it's always a bad idea to reopen channels with exes. She may not reply or may just give you a dry response that'll make you feel like crap. Then you might dwell on that, feel worse, and then get an urge to want to contact them again. It can be a downward spiral. Also, there is still a part of you that's holding onto her which is why you still have her on social media even if you barely look. It's sense of comfort of knowing that you can see what she's up to when you want..functions like a pair of crutches. That doesn't allow you to regain your strength and move forward because you're relying on those crutches. I would block and delete her off of all of it. This is a way to push yourself forward.

 

- Beach

 

Thank you for the writeup. Extremely helpful, and I truly appreciate it.

I think you are right in the sense that it is simply what I wanted and how I wanted things to be is what I am dwelling on.

Granted it has become much easier, and a lot of the times I stop thinking of her entirely, but every now and then it will come back.

 

I will not send that message. How she thinks of me is irrelevant at this point, and I will go ahead and block her. Probably something I should have done ages ago. I barely see her account anyway, I might as well.

[whysotough]

IMO, it appears as if you're struggling with the roller-coaster of the relationship and how it impacted you. Use this to your advantage; it doesn't appear as if she treated you or the relationship with much respect. So, approach this from two angles. First of all, take relief in the fact that you don't have to put up with it any more. Secondly, recognize that it was a bad relationship and you deserve better.

 

And, use it as a learning lesson; don't keep a relationship going with someone who is acting that way. And, recognize that what you are describing as controlling behavior was YOUR behavior, regardless of the outside stimulus. That behavior came about because you didn't trust her and you had good reason not to. But, it's time to end a relationship as soon as soon you lose trust in someone.

 

Thank you. I realize justifying the behavior or blaming it on a consequence of something else makes no sense. It was indeed my doing, and I appreciate the response.

 

First of all, she doesn't sound like she's really your ex because it doesn't sound like she felt the same way, plus you weren't even in the same area and able to see each other much. Sounds like she just considered you a friend and wasn't even all that enthusiastic about the friendship. You have no idea what she was doing where she was living.

 

Second, you yourself know you don't like how she actually was but just how she looked, so that's not love. That's lust. You wasted a lot of time chasing her just because you were sexually attracted to her and you got nowhere.

 

So I think you need to come up for air at some point and realize what a wasted exercise this whole thing was, how much time you wasted because you were following your penis, and you need to realize that even if she had had sex with you, you don't really even like how she is so that's all it would have been.

 

Then you need to start asking yourself in the wee hours of the night why you would allow yourself to invest everything in a person you merely thought was attractive rather than pursuing someone whose personality you liked and who was interested in you back. Do you know anyone who set that example for you, that the only thing of value was how a woman looked and that that is enough?

 

It might not hurt to do some counseling, but if you do, you need to be honest with them right away and not waste time.

 

Thank you for the response. I think she did feel the same, at least the first while. I should have stopped it when it took a toll half way through. A lesson learnt for me I suppose. I actually tried to help her a lot even towards the end. She was seeking to venture opportunities to start "blogging" and meeting people that are more popular on social media in the west coast. I bought her a 1 way ticket which I ended up reimbursing because she changed her mind.

She was a total wreck in her professional life. Quite unambitious, and complained a lot but did very little. I tried to help her a lot with motivating her but she never saw the greater side in things. I do hope that has changed today (I am not sure what she is up to).

 

As for the therapy, I actually have scheduled a session in 2 weeks from now.

I have been exceptionally busy with work, but I am sure that it will be tremendously helpful.

Edited July 27, 2019 by whysotough

[preraph]

I think instead of she felt the same way in the beginning, it's likely that she was just on her best dating behavior in the beginning until got to know you and realized she didn't have romantic feelings for you. Lots of people interpret that as "She changed," but the truth is people are just on their best making an impression behavior and most charming at first, but then once you get to know each other, that confetti blows away and you're left with what you're left with.

 

People don't change. If she's unambitious, that's not going to change. Especially if she can keep attracting people who will carry her load for her.

 

She wasn't a good match. She was just good looking.

 

Good luck in therapy. At least it will get it all off your chest so there will be less stress and maybe you'll find out why you could get so attached to someone you didn't really like all that much.

[whysotough]

I think instead of she felt the same way in the beginning, it's likely that she was just on her best dating behavior in the beginning until got to know you and realized she didn't have romantic feelings for you. Lots of people interpret that as "She changed," but the truth is people are just on their best making an impression behavior and most charming at first, but then once you get to know each other, that confetti blows away and you're left with what you're left with.

 

People don't change. If she's unambitious, that's not going to change. Especially if she can keep attracting people who will carry her load for her.

 

She wasn't a good match. She was just good looking.

 

Good luck in therapy. At least it will get it all off your chest so there will be less stress and maybe you'll find out why you could get so attached to someone you didn't really like all that much.

 

Very valid point.

Thank you again. I am glad I made this thread today, you along with the others have shared view points that I did not look at in those ways.

I didn't mean to make her sound like she was into me because I was willing to carry her load for her.

I am doing extremely very well for myself at my age, but when we met I was still studying. She never let me take care of her financial needs though I would have been happy to. Just that she did the bare minimum to get through and complained a lot why she wasn't excelling. I never made her feel about it though.

 

We really did not share much in common, and I too would like to know why I was so attached. I will be sure to message you with what I am told, you've been very helpful.

Thank you

[ExpatInItaly]

As the others have already said, there is no point in messaging her now for some sort of "closure." She can't give you that, anyway. That comes from you and accepting that it's well and truly over.

 

In the same vein, keeping her on IG to appear mature is senseless. You are trying to prove your maturity to someone who probably doesn't really care that much. I realize a lot of dumpees have the same thought, that blocking or deleting is immature - but I honestly think it's a story they tell themselves because they just can't yet bear the idea of definitively cutting contact.

 

If you really want to move on, you will need to take that step and let go of her online, too.

[preraph]

The good news is that once you clear your head and especially if you have any a-ha moments in counseling, you will likely get right at finding someone who you are both attracted to and like. Good luck.

[whysotough]

As the others have already said, there is no point in messaging her now for some sort of "closure." She can't give you that, anyway. That comes from you and accepting that it's well and truly over.

 

In the same vein, keeping her on IG to appear mature is senseless. You are trying to prove your maturity to someone who probably doesn't really care that much. I realize a lot of dumpees have the same thought, that blocking or deleting is immature - but I honestly think it's a story they tell themselves because they just can't yet bear the idea of definitively cutting contact.

 

If you really want to move on, you will need to take that step and let go of her online, too.

 

Very true. I have ruled out the sending her a message part.

 

In my mind it was very simple that she has a public account.

If I really wanted to check what she was upto, it would be extremely easy to do so in any case. More importantly, I thought it would give her the pleasure of knowing that I cared enough to block her, or that she made a difference. In some twisted way, I don't want to give her that satisfaction or know that I cared enough and am not indifferent.

Does that make any sense?

[ExpatInItaly]

VMore importantly, I thought it would give her the pleasure of knowing that I cared enough to block her, or that she made a difference. In some twisted way, I don't want to give her that satisfaction or know that I cared enough and am not indifferent.

Does that make any sense?

 

Again, nearly all dumpees tell themselves this.

 

The truth? Most dumpers are not that focused on whether you're indifferent or cared or hurt, or what have you.

 

And the majority of reasonable dumpers aren't going to derive satisfaction from knowing their exes are hurting and don't want to keep in touch. They already know you're hurt if the break-up was not mutual. Keeping each other on social media doesn't really suggest you're not hurt.

[Beachead]

Very true. I have ruled out the sending her a message part.

 

In my mind it was very simple that she has a public account.

If I really wanted to check what she was upto, it would be extremely easy to do so in any case. More importantly, I thought it would give her the pleasure of knowing that I cared enough to block her, or that she made a difference. In some twisted way, I don't want to give her that satisfaction or know that I cared enough and am not indifferent.

Does that make any sense?

 

I can certainly understand that. But what you're doing there..it's still for her. To prove something to her. You've created this silent, unspoken game and you're the only one playing. So in the end you still lose. If you think about it, you're not going to be friends with her. She's terrible. You two will not get back together..she's terrible. You're not family. You'll won't see her again. So what's the point? Who cares what she thinks of you. My best guess is the reason you care about that is because you'll be severing your last remaining connection to her and it'll force you to embrace your future wholeheartedly and you fear you won't find someone better for you or happiness in general. You have to believe that you got what it takes to be alright.

 

You're doing it to help yourself move forward. Not to evoke any reaction out of her. It's for you. Not for her.

 

It wasn't until I blocked my exes on social media and got rid of their gifts and possessions and what not, that I started to keep my eyes forward, instead of looking behind. That was when I started to plant my feet forward and actually move forward.

 

- Beach

Edited July 27, 2019 by Beachead

[whysotough]

I can certainly understand that. But what you're doing there..it's still for her. To prove something to her. You've created this silent, unspoken game and you're the only one playing. So in the end you still lose. If you think about it, you're not going to be friends with her. She's terrible. You two will not get back together..she's terrible. You're not family. You'll won't see her again. So what's the point? Who cares what she thinks of you. My best guess is the reason you care about that is because you'll be severing your last remaining connection to her and it'll force you to embrace your future wholeheartedly and you fear you won't find someone better for you or happiness in general. You have to believe that you got what it takes to be alright.

 

You're doing it to help yourself move forward. Not to evoke any reaction out of her. It's for you. Not for her.

 

It wasn't until I blocked my exes on social media and got rid of their gifts and possessions and what not, that I started to keep my eyes forward, instead of looking behind. That was when I started to plant my feet forward and actually move forward.

 

- Beach

 

I read this once, then read it again, and then again, and again.

It hit me right in the feels (I've learned some slang thanks to my younger siblings).

I have done what I probably should have ages ago and blocked her.

Its incredible how a different person's input/perspective shows you something so true that is so obvious yet so hard to realize being the person in the tough situation.

 

I also went ahead and deleted her number, and removed her on a public account I started as a photography hobby some years ago on fine arts and collectibles, one of my passions since I was a little boy.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write and edit your post for me.

[Beachead]

@whysotough

 

No problem friend. I've been there.

 

Couple of years back, I chose to start a relationship with a girl who ended up being quite similar to your ex in terms of the way she treated me. Right from the get go, she'd cancel plans at the last minute, would accused me of doing or feeling things I never did or felt. No matter what I did, it just seemed like she wasn't happy with me and I always felt like I had to prove myself to her. For Christmas, I surprised her with some tickets to a ballet show thinking she'd love it being she was a dancer growing up, and the whole thing backfired on me she freaked out on me. Turned out, it was the show her and her ex had broken up at. Needless to say, she didn't end up going and I ended up having to take my mom instead. It was embarrassing and humiliating.

 

We probably only hung out once during the holidays and then once more before she left for med school overseas. We attempted a long distance but I quickly noticed her becoming distant. Pretty soon, the one or two vid calls we did per week turned into a quick 2 minutes of back and forth texts in the night. I barely ever heard from her. We'd go the entire day without talking because she didn't have time. When I messaged her in the night just to check up on her, she still sounded annoyed. It went on like this or 3 months. Eventually the night before she was supposed to come back to the city, she dumped me on Whatsapp.

 

She didn't cut me out though. She continued to message me at her convenience every few months with a "hi" or what not. I'd respond, in hopes that maybe it meant she'd want to get back together. That was the case and we'd get into fights and she'd leave, I'd wind up apologizing and feeling like crap for weeks. Rinse an repeat for 2 more years after the breakup. It was probably one of the most painful dealings I ever had with a person. Had I been thinking clearly, I stopped pursuing her the moment she started showing red flags. Instead I ignored it and pursued it like my life depended on it because in my mind, my life did depend on that relationship. That was the problem.

 

I was lonely and depressed and that relationship and her was a way for me to escape it. It was something for me to focus on instead of focusing on building myself and my life up to something I could be proud of. In the process, I put her on a pedestal and let her disrespect me in so many way, so many times. I let her break me down piece by piece and the damage started showing. I withdrew from my friends, found it hard to stay motivated in other areas in my life, didn't think much of myself either. But most notably, I became angry and snapped at everyone..especially the people who cared for me the most. Without a good outlook on life, I am betting I missed a lot of great opportunities that came my way in that period of time because of some girl and her bs. More importantly, I let her do it. I didn't stand up for myself. I did come back from it but it took a long time.

 

That's just an example of how things going on within us can affect the decisions we in our lives and how the results of those decisions can in turn make us feel even worse and drive us to make worse decisions. A never-ending downward spiral into a hole.

 

When people do things that are blatantly disrespectful or things that just make you feel uneasy, unsettled, or off..like your ex showing up late after you flew out to see her..don't be afraid to walk away if it doesn't agree with your principles. Do understand that the more you get familiar with yourself the more accurately you can assess your boundaries and the less likely you'll destroy yourself, sticking around in crappy situations. This will be your insurance against people who make you feel like this.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited July 27, 2019 by Beachead

[Marc878]

Again, nearly all dumpees tell themselves this.

 

The truth? Most dumpers are not that focused on whether you're indifferent or cared or hurt, or what have you.

 

And the majority of reasonable dumpers aren't going to derive satisfaction from knowing their exes are hurting and don't want to keep in touch. They already know you're hurt if the break-up was not mutual. Keeping each other on social media doesn't really suggest you're not hurt.

 

Exactly. You are in reality keeping the door open.

[fromheart]

Hot and cold people are incompatible for relationships. You can never change them, even the ones that do work on themselves have incredible difficulty remaining stable.

 

I see this often in women (I don't date men). Often, they remain childless in their mid 30's which is sad to see when they want to start a family. I know at least 4 women like this who are great, attractive women but become so closed off no man will be interested in them, least of all have children with them.

 

These people may be closed due to trauma, and deserve our sympathy. However, it's impossible to emotionally commit to them as they often become abusive.

 

Society has also catered for this to a certain extent, angry women are often equated to being strong and independent, when in fact they are lining themselves up for health problems and further emotional issues.

 

Which comes to my next point and I apologize for being so harsh.

The best these women will do is hook up with a doormat or an abuser. I have been a doormat in the past. You my friend, have been a doormat. Your behaviour has been based on pain addiction, not love and definitely not self respect.

 

It lacks self respect to tolerate the abuse you have been receiving. In fact, it's self abuse. The behaviour of a drug addict. I've been there.

 

Have a look at Corey Wayne on YouTube. Also, search online for No More Mr Nice Guy.

Edited July 29, 2019 by fromheart

[whysotough]

@whysotough

 

No problem friend. I've been there.

 

Couple of years back, I chose to start a relationship with a girl who ended up being quite similar to your ex in terms of the way she treated me. Right from the get go, she'd cancel plans at the last minute, would accused me of doing or feeling things I never did or felt. No matter what I did, it just seemed like she wasn't happy with me and I always felt like I had to prove myself to her. For Christmas, I surprised her with some tickets to a ballet show thinking she'd love it being she was a dancer growing up, and the whole thing backfired on me she freaked out on me. Turned out, it was the show her and her ex had broken up at. Needless to say, she didn't end up going and I ended up having to take my mom instead. It was embarrassing and humiliating.

 

We probably only hung out once during the holidays and then once more before she left for med school overseas. We attempted a long distance but I quickly noticed her becoming distant. Pretty soon, the one or two vid calls we did per week turned into a quick 2 minutes of back and forth texts in the night. I barely ever heard from her. We'd go the entire day without talking because she didn't have time. When I messaged her in the night just to check up on her, she still sounded annoyed. It went on like this or 3 months. Eventually the night before she was supposed to come back to the city, she dumped me on Whatsapp.

 

She didn't cut me out though. She continued to message me at her convenience every few months with a "hi" or what not. I'd respond, in hopes that maybe it meant she'd want to get back together. That was the case and we'd get into fights and she'd leave, I'd wind up apologizing and feeling like crap for weeks. Rinse an repeat for 2 more years after the breakup. It was probably one of the most painful dealings I ever had with a person. Had I been thinking clearly, I stopped pursuing her the moment she started showing red flags. Instead I ignored it and pursued it like my life depended on it because in my mind, my life did depend on that relationship. That was the problem.

 

I was lonely and depressed and that relationship and her was a way for me to escape it. It was something for me to focus on instead of focusing on building myself and my life up to something I could be proud of. In the process, I put her on a pedestal and let her disrespect me in so many way, so many times. I let her break me down piece by piece and the damage started showing. I withdrew from my friends, found it hard to stay motivated in other areas in my life, didn't think much of myself either. But most notably, I became angry and snapped at everyone..especially the people who cared for me the most. Without a good outlook on life, I am betting I missed a lot of great opportunities that came my way in that period of time because of some girl and her bs. More importantly, I let her do it. I didn't stand up for myself. I did come back from it but it took a long time.

 

That's just an example of how things going on within us can affect the decisions we in our lives and how the results of those decisions can in turn make us feel even worse and drive us to make worse decisions. A never-ending downward spiral into a hole.

 

When people do things that are blatantly disrespectful or things that just make you feel uneasy, unsettled, or off..like your ex showing up late after you flew out to see her..don't be afraid to walk away if it doesn't agree with your principles. Do understand that the more you get familiar with yourself the more accurately you can assess your boundaries and the less likely you'll destroy yourself, sticking around in crappy situations. This will be your insurance against people who make you feel like this.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

 

Thank you for sharing the story.

I can totally totally relate honestly. A habit of messaging at her convenience and disappearing for prolonged periods when she had better things to do was also common. For me, I would find at least some time to talk to her, busy or not, because I knew what my priorities were.

 

Your earlier message pushed me to do what should have been done ages ago.

I have had her on my IG for a long time now, even post break up even though we don't talk anymore at all, but I finally deleted her off my follower/following content.

 

Thank you for sharing and for the input.

[whysotough]

Hot and cold people are incompatible for relationships. You can never change them, even the ones that do work on themselves have incredible difficulty remaining stable.

 

I see this often in women (I don't date men). Often, they remain childless in their mid 30's which is sad to see when they want to start a family. I know at least 4 women like this who are great, attractive women but become so closed off no man will be interested in them, least of all have children with them.

 

These people may be closed due to trauma, and deserve our sympathy. However, it's impossible to emotionally commit to them as they often become abusive.

 

Society has also catered for this to a certain extent, angry women are often equated to being strong and independent, when in fact they are lining themselves up for health problems and further emotional issues.

 

Which comes to my next point and I apologize for being so harsh.

The best these women will do is hook up with a doormat or an abuser. I have been a doormat in the past. You my friend, have been a doormat. Your behaviour has been based on pain addiction, not love and definitely not self respect.

 

It lacks self respect to tolerate the abuse you have been receiving. In fact, it's self abuse. The behaviour of a drug addict. I've been there.

 

Have a look at Corey Wayne on YouTube. Also, search online for No More Mr Nice Guy.

 

I will certainly have a look. Interesting to hear, very interesting, and no need to apologize, I appreciate the honest words.

What is more interesting is that this is completely out of balance from my personality otherwise.

I am very certain with what I want, and with the goals I like to achieve.

I never, since an early age allow myself to be in a position where I am treated in a disrespectful manner. I have since I was a child had an immense amount of self respect and courage to stand up for myself and for what is right.

I think it is clear it was something more psychological(as you've indicated), which I hope to underline during therapy soon.

 

When my personality changes to cater to pleasing her, I should have known this was doomed to start with.

Needless to say, I would not in a million years go down that path again. Thank you for the response.

 

 

Edit. I must add, since you mentioned abusive. I assume you mean emotionally; she definitely was never physically abusive. She was always calm, maybe too calm, and extremely cold, and very careless towards my feelings. Emotionally, she was poison for me.

Edited July 29, 2019 by whysotough

[whysotough]

Exactly. You are in reality keeping the door open.

 

Did what I had to. Better late than never I suppose.

The harder part was the no contact, which I have been well over 10 months on now. I don't dwell on her, I even go weeks without thinking of her, but it somehow comes back after a prolonged period of time. I think this step will help.

She is officially no where in my life.