Lots of matches on Bumble but trying to meet in person is like pulling teeth

[Arieswoman]

I agree that some people have a misconception about OLD and think it's an easy route to a great relationship. This is an idealistic notion. OLD is just a microcosm of society and you'll probably come across people that you wouldn't entertain if you met them in real life.

If after a couple of chats, a woman won't say yes to a meetup, drop them and move on. They could just like to hear themselves talk. They could be married or otherwise taken. They could be a bored stay-at-home mom who just wants some company. They could be someone who can't make friends much less go on a date. They could be a man (maybe the next step is Facetime so you know who you're talking to). They could be any variety of bored catfish.

 

They could be employed by the online dating service since there's too many men and not enough women to keep them coming round. Just don't waste your time if they won't meet up real soon. Cut them loose.

^^^

This is sound advice

Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Logo]

You're wasting your time on OLD. You're better off playing the lottery.

 

 

 

As for real life, if you're over 35, your odds of finding a decent and normal person start to decline faster than you can say **** it.

 

 

 

Don't search. Just enjoy your life and you might cross paths with someone. The search for a partner is a waste of time in this day and age.

[Trail Blazer]

You seem to have a very healthy attitude. I share some of your experiences. Let's take this weekend for example, where I dedicated pretty much the entire weekend to OLD

 

I have come out of a relationship a few months ago and it hit me pretty hard for a little while. I used OLD to help get over the break-up. I hooked up with a chick off POF within a few days of joining and we've had a FWB type arrangement going ever since.

 

I feel completely liberated from wanting to find that perfect girl. I'd thought I found her with my last relationship, but it didn't pan out how I'd hoped. I still date girls now and I haven't completely ruled out a relationship, but I don't have any need to find worthy relationship material.

 

And, you know what? I've never been so successful with OLD until now. I'm little aloof, slightly arrogant and most of all, I will not chase. Working away hasn't hurt my chances, either. I am in Texas right now, but I have a few girls waiting for me when I return to Oregon.

 

One thing I do find, however, is that like you, I too have a few dates who cancel on me. When I was last home, I had 7 dates lined up over a 2 week period, but 4 of them cancelled on me. It happens. It will continue to happen. But, the options are plentiful out there if you're in any kind of reasonably sized city.

 

OLD should be taken with a grain of salt. If you have zero expectations then anything more you get from it is a bonus. There are so many variables outside of your control (as a guy using OLD) which means you can't possibly make sense of why you might not be having much success.

 

I'm not sure if getting into shape has much to do with your lack of success. I mean, I might have a 6 pack or I might not... no girl on Tinder/Bumble/POF knows either way. Unless you are observably overweight in clothes and it shows in photos, I don't think it matters.

 

I don't think a lot of girls are necessarily looking for a guy who's showing shirtless photos as profile photos. Well, at least I certainly haven't found the need to. I'm happy with the amount of matches I get just doing what I'm doing.

 

In short, I don't think you're going to find your happily-ever-after through OLD. Sorry to break it to you. Good luck, though. I'd love to be proven wrong and you do land a good woman. I just don't think that OLD provides a good dynamic to healthily unearthing decent relationship prospects, is all.

Edited July 30, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[Shining One]

As with most things related to dating, the solution is to apply more numbers. If I'm talking to several women at once, some will be interested in meeting earlier and some will not. It actually works out better that way since I'm not stuck trying to schedule a bunch of dates within a very short time frame. I won't dedicate significant amounts of time to women who aren't ready to meet, but I'll answer their questions to a point. However, if things progress well with the women who are willing to meet earlier, the women who delay meeting put themselves at a disadvantage.

[William]

Topic check, from the starting post:

I find that this pushback is especially hard for women I'm really attracted to. I'm having to make multiple attempts to escalate. Eventually I feel like the interest becomes too one-sided and I back off. This normally results in never talking to the person again. Am I doing something wrong? I feel like my style is pretty laid back, but naturally I expect the other party to carry their half of the conversation.

 

What can I do better?

 

 

Let's stay focused on the thread starter and their dating issue with matches on Bumble. Thanks!

[salparadise]

I find that this pushback is especially hard for women I'm really attracted to. I'm having to make multiple attempts to escalate. Eventually I feel like the interest becomes too one-sided and I back off. This normally results in never talking to the person again. Am I doing something wrong? I feel like my style is pretty laid back, but naturally I expect the other party to carry their half of the conversation. What can I do better?

 

My advice would be mostly to adjust your expectations, and how you react when faced with the situation described.

 

Realize that a lot of these matches will go nowhere, and don't get invested early. When you ask for the date and are either turned down or ignored, backing off is the right thing to do. Tell them, "okay I asked, the ball is in your court," and then back off and show them that you aren't going to beg. Check back in after a few days and ask if they've changed their mind. Don't give them the satisfaction of stringing you along.

 

The whole point is to schedule a date (within a reasonable time), and if that's not happening then best to cut your losses. Some may unmatch at this point (the ones who are just there for attention), but some will wake up and realize that you are being decisive, have put yourself out there, and are not inclined to play footsies. The upside is that this is a natural filter that will have you meeting the best prospects and not wasting time on the ones that will never work out anyway.

[Shining One]

Realize that a lot of these matches will go nowhere, and don't get invested early.

This is the most important thing to take away from this thread. I made the same mistakes when I first started on OLD. I focused heavily on women I found appealing without knowing how they felt about me, and it always led to disappointment. Hold your investment until you see signs of mutual interest after you meet.

[salparadise]

I focused heavily on women I found appealing without knowing how they felt about me, and it always led to disappointment. Hold your investment until you see signs of mutual interest after you meet.

 

And one more nuance re: attraction and early investment... train yourself to prioritize behavior, intelligence, attitude and interaction style equally (if not more so) than looks as the basis of attraction. This will save you tons of heartache over the course of a lifetime.

 

Life experience has taught me to view those trading on hotness with the same skepticism as a man with hair gel, wearing sunglasses indoors, dripping in gold chains, and trying to sell me a time-share at the beach.

[SevenCity]

...

In short, I don't think you're going to find your happily-ever-after through OLD. ...

 

Great advice from TB (and from Sal). But OLD can be a great tool for practicing when the right girl comes along.

 

In my experience, I did not find one woman in two years I would consider a LTR with from OLD (but I did have a lot of fun and got some great stories).

 

The platform causes people to create these crazy arbitrary filters and make up all these "rules" that they do not have in real life. Women especially so as they have a need to filter due to the sheer volume of suitors.

 

I have some deal breakers of my gf's and, after meeting me, they lost their importance to her and weren't so deal-breaky anymore. We likely never would have met if we met on OLD.

 

Whereas it may be true that SOME women will make you wait in an effort to sense compatibility, MOST of the women are wasting your time.

 

I bit at first and spent weeks texting back and forth with women who ultimately I never met. I got smarter and decided (like Sal said) if it is not an enthusiastic "Yes", I cut my losses and move on.

 

Did I miss out on some? Perhaps. But I increased my success rate (i.e.: sex because I gave up on finding a gf) dramatically.

 

Your resources are limited, use them for the women who show high interest and you will have a lot more fun.

 

Should I find myself on OLD again I will apply the same formula: Don't care too much and don't waste time.

[newyorker11356]

In short, I don't think you're going to find your happily-ever-after through OLD. Sorry to break it to you. Good luck, though. I'd love to be proven wrong and you do land a good woman. I just don't think that OLD provides a good dynamic to healthily unearthing decent relationship prospects, is all.

 

Except plenty of people have met their SO/married partner from OLD.

 

It can and does work. Although, I can admit that it's probably not for everyone.

[Trail Blazer]

Except plenty of people have met their SO/married partner from OLD.

 

It can and does work. Although, I can admit that it's probably not for everyone.

 

Yeah, perhaps on more serious dating sites like eHarmony? I don't know. I met my last girlfriend on Match. Perhaps paid sites work better. I know my last girlfriend said she used match because if a guy was willing to pay to talk to her then he'd be more serious.

 

I don't know about free dating sites and swipey apps for finding long term partners. As I explained in my prior post, I think the sheer volume of choices that especially women have, works against people wanting to just commit to one person. From my perspective, Bumble, Tinder and POF are not apps that I'd use if I were looking for a long-term partner.

[newyorker11356]

Yeah, perhaps on more serious dating sites like eHarmony? I don't know. I met my last girlfriend on Match. Perhaps paid sites work better. I know my last girlfriend said she used match because if a guy was willing to pay to talk to her then he'd be more serious.

 

I don't know about free dating sites and swipey apps for finding long term partners. As I explained in my prior post, I think the sheer volume of choices that especially women have, works against people wanting to just commit to one person. From my perspective, Bumble, Tinder and POF are not apps that I'd use if I were looking for a long-term partner.

 

The more kind of serious dating apps are Coffee Meets Bagel and Hinge.

[shydad]

OLD ... causes people to create these crazy arbitrary filters and make up all these "rules" that they do not have in real life. ... We likely never would have met if we met on OLD.

I am cautious of generalizations, but the first portion quoted above is often times correct -- with the exception of Bumble. Match (and likely eHarmony) have too many data elements. The data elements can easily become rejection points. Bumble's data points are sparse. This results in conversations becoming necessary to learn about each other, which is the whole point of the services, imo.