Lots of matches on Bumble but trying to meet in person is like pulling teeth

July 26, 2019

My most recent foray into online dating has undoubtedly been my most successful in terms of matching with, and chatting with women. I've put a lot of work into myself lately and it really feels like it's starting to pay off. I'm getting good quality matches for the first time in my life and it feels amazing.

Being 38, I'm pretty clear about not wanting to spend too much time on the app. We match, establish some rapport and usually I'll easily get their phone number or WhatsApp and we hit our stride.. but then the problem starts. Am I crazy to think that we shouldn't waste each other's time? Let's meet for a date and see if we click! This is why we're both here. If it doesn't work, no big deal. Maybe we make a new friend. I'm not desperate, I just want to get on with it.

I find that this pushback is especially hard for women I'm really attracted to. I'm having to make multiple attempts to escalate. Eventually I feel like the interest becomes too one-sided and I back off. This normally results in never talking to the person again.

Am I doing something wrong? I feel like my style is pretty laid back, but naturally I expect the other party to carry their half of the conversation.

What can I do better?

July 27, 2019

Am I doing something wrong? I feel like my style is pretty laid back, but naturally I expect the other party to carry their half of the conversation.

You may think so, but without more context who knows what the women you're chatting with think. There are a million variables for why you're not getting as many meetups.

And it's OLD, women don't "need" to carry their half of anything given they have so many more choices than men do. I think you need to slow your roll as far as expectations go, at least in terms of expecting women to be wholly engaged with messaging/texting. You can't assume they will be "into it" as much as you are.

Distract yourself with a hobby, family, friends, etc. Don't invest so much emotional energy in OLD, because having early expectations only exacerbates the urgency and desire to meet sooner. If I had to guess, your "urgency" comes across as desperation/aggressiveness more often than not.

July 27, 2019

If after a couple of chats, a woman won't say yes to a meetup, drop them and move on. They could just like to hear themselves talk. They could be married or otherwise taken. They could be a bored stay-at-home mom who just wants some company. They could be someone who can't make friends much less go on a date. They could be a man (maybe the next step is Facetime so you know who you're talking to). They could be any variety of bored catfish.

They could be employed by the online dating service since there's too many men and not enough women to keep them coming round.

Just don't waste your time if they won't meet up real soon. Cut them loose.

July 27, 2019

You may think so, but without more context who knows what the women you're chatting with think. There are a million variables for why you're not getting as many meetups.

And it's OLD, women don't "need" to carry their half of anything given they have so many more choices than men do. I think you need to slow your roll as far as expectations go, at least in terms of expecting women to be wholly engaged with messaging/texting. You can't assume they will be "into it" as much as you are.

Distract yourself with a hobby, family, friends, etc. Don't invest so much emotional energy in OLD, because having early expectations only exacerbates the urgency and desire to meet sooner. If I had to guess, your "urgency" comes across as desperation/aggressiveness more often than not.

That's a fair criticism and good insight. I am not ashamed to say that I'm very invested in meeting someone right now. That doesn't mean I'm hung up on any one person, and it certainly isn't saying I don't have boundaries and a healthy attitude toward rejection. It just means I want someone who values my time and is excited about romance. Maybe this comes off as high pressure, but it's nothing personal. More of a challenge to meet me at my level.

I have lots and lots of hobbies. I'm very busy and social and my FB events blow up every week. I just prioritize meeting women above these things because this is why I've been working so hard. I'm ready baby! Let's do this!

July 27, 2019

I get that, having been on Bumble a bit now. Sometimes I just chalk it up to a woman's mood or that she just gets bored with the app. Classic ego boost type of thing maybe when she's feeling down, we'll never know.

Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 27, 2019

Am I doing something wrong? I feel like my style is pretty laid back, but naturally I expect the other party to carry their half of the conversation.

What can I do better?

Two suggestions:

1. Keep talking to many women. This isn't being a player or anything, just the nature of online dating. I was always one to only talk to a guy or 2, but after being played multiple times, I started playing the numbers.

2. Ask for a date ASAP. I noticed the more conversation you have through text, the least likely you are to get a date. If after a couple exchanges you can't set a date, let her go and focus on other women.

July 27, 2019

Am I doing something wrong? What can I do better?

Hi metalbabble, if your goal is to meet each woman, then yes, you are doing something wrong. Do not apply pressure to meet. Allow her to set the pace, and it will happen when she is comfortable with it happening. How long does it take before you start feeling antsy? (FWIW, I agree with you, but these ideas don't help to get results.)

July 27, 2019

Hi metalbabble, if your goal is to meet each woman, then yes, you are doing something wrong. Do not apply pressure to meet. Allow her to set the pace, and it will happen when she is comfortable with it happening. How long does it take before you start feeling antsy? (FWIW, I agree with you, but these ideas don't help to get results.)

I usually want to meet right away, and this is for two reasons..

1.) I don't want to waste my time if the profile doesn't match the person. That's the nice way of putting it.

2.) I want to weed out people mentioned earlier in this thread, who are using online dating for purposes other than myself.

So while I agree I might end up scaring off a legitimately good girl, I think the tradeoff is that I'll save a lot of time scaring off time wasters. I may be wrong though!

Maybe I'll push for Facetime chats instead. This at least solves #1

July 27, 2019

I actually prefer to meet at the first opportunity after exchanging a few messages on the site. I feel more comfortable meeting a stranger in a public place than giving him my number because phone number is identification. Of course I can't speak for everyone.

You are serious about finding a match so you have to really be yourself. If she s reluctant to meet, there's no match there.

July 27, 2019

how are you asking these women out/what are you saying exactly?

July 27, 2019

That's how it is with all OLD, no matter which site you find the person on. You might have a few days of texting back and forth, then ... Nothing. I'd say nowadays you only meet 1 out of 7 that you end up connecting with.

It's not you but it's just what it is.

July 27, 2019

I think if a woman is really interested she's going to expect you to ask her out after a few messages of decent conversation. These women so far are not interested and you saved yourself a lot of bs. OLD is no magic bullet to meet someone.

July 27, 2019

Well op this is just one woman’s view ok?

When a guy message me and he tried to ask for my number or ask me out on a date without getting acquainted well that won’t fly. We need to get basic information out the way and a bit of a conversation. And I will say so. “I don’t mind exchanging numbers after I get to know you a little more on here first if you don’t mind”. He can still get the number the same day but I am not giving my number to a stranger on the Internet off one message like hi. Your beautiful. Can I take you out/here is my number. I might as well write my number on a damn public bathroom stall if that’s the case.

Also I will schedule a date that same week. I am not looking for penpal. However I won’t agree to dates on the same night or next day of messaging. I will schedule a date when I am free on my off day as long as it’s in advance.

I will also ask if the guy would be willing to call so it won’t feel like I’m meeting a stranger off the Internet. I won’t go on a date unless we have talked on the phone.

I know you see yourself as easy going but some women don’t want to go on dates with men who treat them as a cheap thrill or random thoughtless causal cure of boredom. Some women want men who put a little effort into getting to know her before saying yes to a date. We want to feel like our time is valued before giving a man one time if that makes sense. Call it entitlement if you want but it is what it is. And some of us screen men to ensure we are being properly (reasonably in our minds) valued.

So a little conversation online, a phone call, and setting a date a few days in advance imo is a small investment for me to be okay with going out with a guy I find attractive enough. If he can’t do that much then I would ignore him. But that’s just me and that’s something to think about on how women may respond (or not) to your requests to meet.

July 28, 2019

If I'm approached on OLD, I'll go look at their profile and see if they're someone I want to know.. if so, I'll swipe right and send a quick "nice to make your acquaintance" type of message and see if they pick up the ball.

What I find is that men (55-68) swipe right, will read the message and just drop the conversation. I give them 5 days to speak up and if they don't, I unmatch and block them. I stomp plenty of toads on Tinder who are only there to waste time.

July 28, 2019

I agree with I'veseenbetterlol. Establish a rapport and ask to meet. That's what the women who actually want to date prefer as well.

The ones who want to "get to know you first" are delusional. You can't get to know anyone by messaging on a dating app. Even if you think there's chemistry, it all changes when you meet. These women are getting their satisfaction virtually by having you jump through hoops and play the fantasy pursuit game. Don't waste your time. Nine times out of ten they'll make excuses and it will never happen. But that's okay with them because they got what they wanted from you.

Women [some, the reticent type] will say they want this or that and try to get you to play their game... but the it's the more decisive, less available men that actually intrigue. If you let them control it, if you're too available, you look easy and they lose interest.

I've told this a few times before... my former gf liked my profile on okc, and it was awhile before I saw it and responded. When I did, I asked her out in the first message. She responded and agreed. We exchanged a few more to set the time and place. We confirmed the day of, exchanged numbers, and when we met it was great. She texted next morning that she enjoyed it and hoped we could do it again. So no games, no bulls*t, no hoops.

The ones that say they want to get to know you first are time wasters. The way to short circuit that crap is to ask them out and anything other than a solid yes is your cue to move on to the next one. Time wasters are self-culling if you don't play their game.

Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

July 28, 2019

Ok so i just started OLD and its crazy for women as they get insane amount of likes /matches (which im sure is just the nature of the male/female ratio game in OLD). Im in a large city though but its too many to even look through. So i know women in large cities are experiencing the same..

SO, when a man pushes to see me right away without even chatting first, i appreciate his cutting to the chase, but for me it doesn't make sense-- why? -- Because, while i get it stops him wasting his time chatting.. for me, its more prudent to vet a few options first.. its a lot of effort to get ready for the date for a woman (esp if you like to look your best, which i do).. and i dont want to do that, go to a date, sit down and find out within minutes that there is some major fact about this guy that is a deal breaker. Plus, then ive lost that opportunity to have seen one of the guys im talking to who may have been more suitable if i'd just chatted that little bit longer..

I like to narrow down based on physical attraction first.(which is purely for lack of other initial filter as i really dont care about looks -- but i do care a lot about education / sense of humor / health habits etc) . then delve into a few conversations and find out the deal breakery stuff.. (are they a smoker etc are we compatible enough on paper in other areas) and ask the deal breaker-y questions (as organically as possible, not shot gun question approach).. THEN organise the date. -- After a texts back and forth i dont know enough to commit to a date. After a couple of days of a little banter.. i know exactly what im up for and havnt wasted my time on a date yet.

This is just me though. So far so good..

Edited July 28, 2019 by beentheredonethat77

July 28, 2019

That’s what a lot of men don’t understand. We get a lot of messages. If I agree to give my number to every guy that asks on the first message then I would have given my phone number to a large amount of strangers. And would be like going on a bunch of blind first dates. Who enjoys going on a mass number of blind dates??? I sure as hell don’t. That’s exactly what it would be like if you agree to a date or give your number on first message.

A guy who expect women to give their number or agree to a date with him on just a first message is a man that’s either very naive or very ignorant about women's comfort and safety or doesn’t really care about women's comfort and safety or very selfish or very entitled himself or there’s is something really wrong with him that he don’t want me to find out before meeting him. Okay NEXT!! *snap fingers* your going to give me your number or what. No? Discard! Come on now. the very people who complain about old use it in a way that’s very demeaning to people in general. Just cycling and plowing through people because he don’t have manners lol. Please. Again you might as well write your number on a public bathroom stall.

It’s at most very dangerous for a woman to just up and give her number or agree to go out with someone when she haven’t had any conversation whatsoever past first message hello and at least puts her in the position to have given her number out to someone who is totally wrong for her when she could have found that out by a little more conversation. Example he got a gang of kids with different mothers. That’s not on his profile. But I would have found that out via conversation. True story a guy I was attracted to who messaged me had two kids same age and they were not twins. Two different moms. Found out the same day he messaged me. Now if He would have asked me out on the first message before revealing that and I agree to it well then I would have had to fight the look on my face in person when he reveal it on a date but because we had a bit of a conversation after the first message? Well my time didn’t get wasted. And I didn’t waste his time. Cause I would have had to stop dating after I found out.

What would it kill a dude for taking just a small amount time to get acquainted? Is he trying to trick her with attracting her on a date in person so she can ignore all the red flags that’s going to come out of his mouth? Lmao that’s what it is.

I don’t believe in messaging for days before exchanging numbers. I don’t believe in messaging or talking on the phone for weeks before seeing the person. I too believe in meeting quickly. People can avoid getting played or catfished if they require meeting quickly. So yes a man should get the number within the same day. A man should meet quickly as in the same week. But requiring a woman to meet or give out her number on the first message? Have some class and some standards people.

I too don’t want to waste my time but guys with that mindset could waste her time and his when you find out things on a date that you could have easily found out if there was just a little bit of conversation. You wasted money, time getting ready, energy, and your free time you could have been doing something else or dating someone else better when all you had to do was have a little bit more conversation smh. I am not at all saying or condoning taking days to get a number or weeks to get a date. But it’s really a small effort to simply get acquainted for a few more messages to get a number within the same day and maybe a 30 minute conversation on the phone before a date or if no phone call scheduling a date within the same week to find out if this person is even worth going out with.

I’m sorry but I had very little horrible boring wanting to slit my wrist dates or dates where I have gotten stood up because I am not giving my number or agreeing to meet on first message or anything that’s pretty close to a blind date minus the fact you see persons online profile picture. And as I have stated before in another thread if the phone conversation was great the date normally was great.

People on old tire their own selves out most of the time when they don’t have to.

Quality not quantity people

July 28, 2019

Bottom line is that as a man, if you're interested in a woman on OLD, you shouldn't go more than a few days without asking for her number and/or asking her to meet up. Longer than that, and you're in pen-pal status.

I've found the most successful method - for me - is to build rapport and interest over 2-3 days, then ask her to meet up before asking for her number. I get the feeling that if they are comfortable enough to agree to meet, they are comfortable enough to give you their number.

Of course, this depends on the frequency of your messaging. Some of the women I message respond maybe once a day or every other day, so the timeline extends a bit. But the concept should be the same, and you really have to be able to read into her tone, response time and wording to gauge her interest and comfort.

I like to narrow down based on physical attraction first.(which is purely for lack of other initial filter as i really dont care about looks

The contradiction and hypocrisy in the very same sentence...how ironic. Everyone cares about looks, it's a fact of life and dating. Anyone who says they don't is flat out lying and trying to be self-righteous.

July 28, 2019

People should just agree to Facetime right away. You can tell so much more watching the person in motion. All this stuff about not wanting them to have your number -- so if you don't like them after a chat, then block their number. There's all kinds of free apps for that.

So then they know your real name and phone number. Unless you're married or otherwise taken and cheating, why would that be such a terrible thing? Are you afraid they'll show up at your house after you blocked them? Because why would they? Again, facetime them and then you know what they look like on the one in a millionth chance that would happen and then call the police.

Stay on chat with them for a month and they'll end up in the friendzone and you'll know everything about their boring life and be tired of them before you even meet, when the truth is you can't really tell if they have a good personality via text. You can tell it right away in person and maybe via Facetime.

Dating is for getting to know people. Not for getting some guarantee that they will be the perfect person and you'll live happily ever after. You can't find that out via text.

And you can't filter out the con artists and violent criminals by text either because most of them know how to sound normal. If you facetime or meet them some public place using your own transportation and don't get alone with them, then you have a better chance of being able to tell if something is off, if they act cagey or their body language contradicts their words. They can easily wait a month and then meet you and you're still meeting the same nut as if you met them after two or three chats or a Facetime.

If you're paranoid -- and I would be -- keep a subscription to a background check service and ask to see their ID with something covering their address. It will freak a lot of guys out, but it's better than wasting their time.

July 28, 2019

Ok so i just started OLD and its crazy for women as they get insane amount of likes /matches (

Only certain pedigrees and those within a certain age bracket have this experience. This is not an "across the board" phenomenon.

July 29, 2019

Sounds like you have a great profile, but you either aren't that engaging in text conversation or you let it go on for too long before setting a date.

Generally, I find texting to be tedious and I have a fairly good idea if that person is going to want to meet me in the "real world" within maybe the first 4-5 text exchanges (back-and-forth). Within that range, I'll ask to meet for a drink.

July 29, 2019

The number of options a man has is in direct proportion to the number of hoops he's willing to jump through in order to get a date.

This works both ways.

A man whose willing to put up with a whole bunch of tests before even meeting is probably someone with very few options.

July 29, 2019

That's the deal, my friend. You could be above average looks and still, it'll be tricky to get a date with the better looking girls as they just have so many options.

I had a date a week ago with a girl on Bumble. We matched 8 weeks prior, chatted for a couple of days and she'd preliminarily agreed to go on a date. Then, a day later she told me in conversation she was going on a date with someone else.

I hadn't heard back from this girl for 7 weeks. She'd given me her number prior, which we'd exchanged a few texts through. I'd been away for 4 weeks working, came back and had moved on completely.

Out of the blue she'd messaged me. Asking me how work went, etc. I'd told her I was heading away again and would be gone for 3 weeks. She wanted to go on a date. The date went awesome and we've added each other on Messenger. She's keen to go on a second date when I'm back in town.

The point I'm trying to make here is that, "it is what it is." Men do the chasing, women do the choosing. Take nothing personally, and get good at picking the ones who are flakey. Move on quickly if they don't show interest. Some might even return, but the key in that instance was showing no desperation and not pursuing past a certain point.

Overall, my experience since joining OLD just over two months ago has been fantastic. POF has been a gold mine, Bumble has been good and I've only just joined Tinder, however I have a few options on there for when I return.

Once again, the emphasis here is that I'm not desperate. I could not care if I go on a date or not. Of course I want to, otherwise I wouldn't swipe right. But, if it doesn't happen, zero effs are given because, women aren't the only one with options.

Good luck and try to take it all with a grain of salt.

Edited July 29, 2019 by Trail Blazer

July 29, 2019

That's the deal, my friend. You could be above average looks and still, it'll be tricky to get a date with the better looking girls as they just have so many options.....

You seem to have a very healthy attitude. I share some of your experiences. Let's take this weekend for example, where I dedicated pretty much the entire weekend to OLD

1.) Set up 4 dates for the weekend (that's harder than it sounds)

2.) I only ended up going on one. I canceled one, and two canceled on me.

3.) I also have a tentative date set for tomorrow, but I have a hunch she is going to ghost it.

I also spoke to several other women where we couldn't get plans settled. In total I'd say I dedicated about 11-12 hours to OLD over the weekend just to get one date.

This is turning into a GRIND. In a way I feel lucky because there are so many women willing to speak to me and flirt with me, and give me a chance.. but a the same time SO MANY of them had no intention of really giving me a chance and just wanted attention.

It's obvious to me that I need to keep working on my fitness until I have to work less for it, because I know some of my brothers are not having to try this bloody hard. I'm only having to try hard because I'm not fit enough.

It's also somewhat difficult because I'm 38 and usually only date girls between 23-30 because I want to start a family soon. This demographic is especially difficult to deal with. If I wanted to be some kid's stepdad, I'd have a much easier time. It's so humbling to think that there' some 28yo 'bro' named Kyle with no dating profile who gets green-lighted for a one night stand after blurting out 'sup', while I'm crafting screenplays just to have the exact same women ghost me when things get real.

Edited July 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 30, 2019

The responses to this post demonstrate that different people have different preferences as how to handle arranging to meet when using OLD. There is no consensus of how long to wait before meeting. These different views support the idea of letting the woman set the pace, if your goal is to meet each woman.

I met my sweetheart after ten days. d0nnivain recently described strong relationships taking years to develop. In this context, ten days doesn't seem like much time at all.

How long will your sweetheart want to wait before meeting you? The answer is, you don't know. What if if you cut her off after two days, but she would have wanted to meet after five? It boggles my mind why anyone would artificially cut someone loose like that, especially with something as serious as finding a life partner.

(With this said, it's unclear how many days the OP is willing to wait. It's unclear what his relationship goal is.)

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Lots of matches on Bumble but trying to meet in person is like pulling teeth

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