newyorker11356 Posted July 28, 2019 Posted July 28, 2019 Lol I too don’t really understand why he says a woman should do it first either Besides the fact that it works in a mans best interest in a way that it works in a woman’s best interest. Which I totally understand. I just find it laughable to give that advice to women when it’s about the mans best interest though lmao. I totally understand giving that advice to other men. But to give that advice to women I would side eye it and then laugh. I don’t remember ever reading compelling reasons why I as a woman should be initiating that conversation when I never had to before and how exactly is that suppose to be in my best interest. I imagine when me letting men intiate that conversation stops working I might be tempted to start throwing myself at men but today is just not that day I think PRW (and I do like his posts) usually talks based on what has worked in the past, but what he doesn't understand is it's not always that binary and simple. I know plenty of relationships that started with the guy asking to be exclusive first, not the woman. Some even asking earlier on than what should be deemed the norm.
spiderowl Posted July 28, 2019 Posted July 28, 2019 I would not say that before a third or fourth date (or unless you are getting sexually intimate). If you do say it, then it is best not to imply they should not multidate either. Such a conversation is for later when both are you are getting more intimate and want to be sure no-one else is getting physical too. The first few dates are for getting to know each other. Any pressure to be exclusive at that point will scare off anyone unsure or who just wants to see how it goes. The time to have that conversation is when you are more sure you want this guy and also when he is becoming more attached. Of course, if you are starting to get physically intimate, then you need to say you will not share anyone physically for health and safety reasons. He should understand that and it would be reassuring for most guys.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 3rd date is waaayyy too soon for that, and it should be brought up by the woman anyway, not the guy. A guy who does this after the 3rd date is just fearful and insecure. The most widely desirable men have been the quickest and most assertive in bringing up exclusivity, in my experience. 1
Author Logo Posted July 29, 2019 Author Posted July 29, 2019 Personally, I don't care if someone is dating others and I assume he is-- until we get to the point that he wants to have sex or he wants to be exclusive. You probably didn't mean "wants" as in hey I want to have sex, but more like you both are ready to have sex? So you think that exclusivity should be established before sex? To everyone else who posted, what about people who multidate and have sex? Do most women ask men to be exclusive before they have sex with the man? If not, where does the buck stop? We are getting into gray cheating territory here, are we not?
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 Imo cheating is when you agree to be in an exclusive boyfriend girlfriend relationship (assuming it’s mono and not poly/open/swinging) and one or both parties in the relationship get romantically involved with other people If she is not your girlfriend and she goes on a date with another guy and she decides to engage in sexual activity she did not cheat on you So the buck is you ask for exclusivity when your ready to be in a monogamous exclusive boyfriend girlfriend relationship and when she agrees theeeeen you can expect her to focus only on you and not be romantic with anyone else I don’t see what’s so hard about that Trying to police someone who is not your girlfriend/boyfriend is just insane to me. You can’t technically control another persons actions when they are “yours” lol. Your relationship just gives you a right to have those expectations and the right to be upset and breakup if they do stray. If you chose to have sex before exclusivity that’s your choice/problem. that doesn’t automatically mean the other person has to only focus on you and it doesn’t mean they will.. If you want someone to focus on you then get exclusive first and then enjoy sex between just the two of you. Listen if it’s that important to you that someone focus only on you from the beginning or they only focus on you when y’all have sex but you don’t have to be exclusive well that’s your choice but you have to commmunicate those standards and take what risks that come with communicating a standard that not everybody follows or want to follow. To me it’s easier to establish the relationship first before having those expectations. Because I don’t really understand enforcing that without sounding like “having your cake and eat it too” unless the other person is just like you. If you can find someone like that well great. But to me you have a better chance of not running off people who don’t multidate and people who is open to it if you just ask for exclusivity when your actually ready to be the girls boyfriend.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 You probably didn't mean "wants" as in hey I want to have sex, but more like you both are ready to have sex? So you think that exclusivity should be established before sex? To everyone else who posted, what about people who multidate and have sex? Do most women ask men to be exclusive before they have sex with the man? If not, where does the buck stop? We are getting into gray cheating territory here, are we not? Having sex without monogamy is a very personal thing. Some people want to know what they're getting themselves into sexually before "locking it down" while others want some kind of commitment before getting naked. If you're going to have sex without exclusivity/monogamy, you MUST to go into it with eyes wide open. Meaning, you can't assume he isn't sleeping with other people or that sex will somehow make him want to be exclusive with you. If exclusivity is what you want, then you need to have a conversation about it. Don't just assume he's on the same page as you - that's a recipe for heartbreak. As for when to have that conversation, that all depends on how things are going. Some couples take a slow burn approach while others progress quickly. It's impossible to give you a road map that works for everyone. Just be prepared that your admission or desires for a certain way of dating may not work for him. If that's the case, you'll need to decide how much you're willing to compromise, if any at all. Good luck. 1
OatsAndHall Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 In the past, I wouldn't multi-date or see multi-daters. But, my view on that has changed drastically as of late, due to conversations on here and after some self-reflection. It's just not feasible in today's dating world, especially with OLD. With that being said; sex means exclusivity for me and that won't change. I take things slowly on the physical side of things with women. That is something that I do make clear when it's an appropriate time to have that discussion. I have found that this is just a given for 90% of the women that I have dated. But, there have been that 10% who don't share that view and we part ways. 3
Author Logo Posted July 30, 2019 Author Posted July 30, 2019 Imo cheating is when you agree to be in an exclusive boyfriend girlfriend relationship (assuming it’s mono and not poly/open/swinging) and one or both parties in the relationship get romantically involved with other people Romantically involved or not, let's just admit that it's a free for all and it's every man to himself. It's semantics that society has decided to play around with so that people can feel comfortable fooling around. Even the exclusivity talk is meaningless. I love how people come on here and proclaim that "no one owes anyone anything" and then when they talk about exclusivity it's as though magically two individuals in a relationship owe the other something when in fact they don't, unless they get married. So let's not kid ourselves. People want to fool around and feel okay with it. Fine. The exclusivity talk is also useless. Moral decline is a trend these days. It's not the exception. Ask 100 people on the street if they can define "Integrity". I'd be surprised if you can get a few coherent answers. So let us all embrace it and stop acting like hypocrites with the exclusivity talk. Even figures about infidelity during marriage are on the rise. Everyone should do what's in their best interest and that should include cheating if it suits them and monkey branching as well. Animal kingdom here we come. So many are doing it, let's just embrace it and stop acting like holier than thous, splitting hairs.
frus69 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 OP, are you asking these questions because that's how you feel or that's how you think others feel hence scared to do it? It's the first time i heard "no multi-date" ="desperate". Depends on the content, but generally I dont see it as them trying to lock me down or being desperate. I see it as a statement of how they date. Nothing more, nothing less. If you dont want the other person to be multi dating, say so. Why not? If she thinks you are desperate because of that, then you arent on the same level and you should call it off anyway.
littleblackheart Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Why would there be any issue with saying it whenever you feel like it? The idea that 'multidating' makes you less desperate or adds value to you as a person is completely puzzling to me anyway. AFAIC (maybe that's a cutural difference), multidating actually projects desperation and ego issues, as though people need a permanent safety net, an emotional cushion to soften the 'blow' of a 'date' not working out. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) Well Logo it’s dating. Your navigating other people’s views, beliefs, and their own personal rules and boundaries about different things. So because everybody don’t think like you well to me it’s wise to establish exclusivity if you want to make it clear that you don’t want this person to get romantic with anyone else. You may call it cheating if you have sex with someone without letting them know how much weight you put on sex and she ends up dating another guy but she may not see it that way. So because of the different views in dating exclusivity needs to be talked about not assumed. Personally I think it’s unwise to have sex first then expect exclusivity from the person you had sex with afterwards but be okay that they are not yet boyfriend/girlfriend yet having to establish that conversation later. To me that is one of the stupidest things in the world. In my opinion exclusivity and being boyfriend and girlfriend should be one and the same. And for those who have those kind of expectations on sex then I would think one should reserve sex for when they are ready to be the girlfriend/boyfriend. So I personally don’t understand people who want exclusivity from the beginning or people who want exclusivity after having sex but separate exclusivity from an actual boyfriend girlfriend relationship. To me that is very have my cake and eat it too. “Oh she better not date any one else. Especially now that we had sex. But I am not ready to call her my girlfriend. Slow down now” lol. So you want to be that persons only but somehow still need to establish that your boyfriend/girlfriend? To me exclusivity and being boyfriend and girlfriend should be one and the same. And also to me I think exclusivity should go with sex if you want the other person to only focus on you. I personally feel more comfortable having sex with a guy that is my exclusive boyfriend versus “freeforall”. But not everybody feel that way so you have to manage your standards the best way you can in dating to ensure you get what you want inside the relationship. Edited July 30, 2019 by Curiousroxy86 2
Tamfana Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 You probably didn't mean "wants" as in hey I want to have sex, but more like you both are ready to have sex? So you think that exclusivity should be established before sex? Good point on "wants." But, yes, exclusivity first. Over the years a few guys I was seeing wanted to have sex in the first few dates before we knew each much. That's a "no" from me but I expect they're dating others and maybe they'll have sex with someone else. I'm a match for guys who feel the same way I do on that. 1
Lamartine Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I would not disclose that information too early. Date for a while and discuss that issue once you have gotten to know each other and feel comfortable enough to relay personal information. I get the impression that you are well intentioned and not necessarily trying to lock someone down. It sounds more like you are, obliquely, asking someone not to hurt you. I understand that. Regardless, however, it will come across as clingy and awkward if it is done too early. If you are worried about sleeping with someone who might be sleeping with someone else, then don't have sex until you are exclusive. I know it's hard, but it can be done! Take clues from your conversations with men. Often they (and women too) disclose more than they intend, either directly or through insinuation. Take care of yourself and your heart. If you feel very strongly about your no multi-dating stance, put it in your dating profile and maybe explain it a little. That way, you will (hopefully) only get responses from men with similar philosophies.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Everyone should do what's in their best interest and that should include cheating if it suits them and monkey branching as well. Animal kingdom here we come. No, thanks. I'll stick with the honesty and integrity that's served me well my whole life. I've never cheated on anyone, and to my knowledge, never been cheated on. Birds of a feather flock together. People with strong principles and values tend to gravitate toward similar people - and vice versa. 2
GoreSP Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 ok...I'm super confused by this whole multidating thing. Personally, it happened once or twice that I had interest in two people somewhat at the same time. The way you are all talking it's like people multidate on a regular basis? Like, wtf....? lol
Tamfana Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 ok...I'm super confused by this whole multidating thing. Personally, it happened once or twice that I had interest in two people somewhat at the same time. The way you are all talking it's like people multidate on a regular basis? Like, wtf....? lol It was confusing to me too until, a few threads ago, I saw that there isn't even a clear definition of it. People don't even agree on what it means.
Versacehottie Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 It was confusing to me too until, a few threads ago, I saw that there isn't even a clear definition of it. People don't even agree on what it means. 100%. ^^^ and that's where a part of the big problem lies. I don't think there is going to be a consensus on the meaning itself and it's a little dull to debate TBH, nitpicking over semantics is what is going on in a lot of the discussion. And then for the each of the sides that do understand what is being talked about, i don't think we will ever agree, as in the position and belief on whether it is ok is the crux of the issue. People with like-minded feelings on it should date each other. I think though it's unrealistic for the majority of people to honor and agree to that request that on date #1 (taking the most literal meaning of the word and those that are against it) and even if someone "agrees", as someone most astutely pointed out, I wouldn't believe him/her anyway. It seems silly to knock down the pool of potential people you could date or lose a good one because you subscribe to the rule of no-multi-dating and ask for that in an unreasonable timeframe but hey I guess some people will do what they do.
Author Logo Posted August 7, 2019 Author Posted August 7, 2019 Let's assume that I subscribe to the idea of multidating, I mean, some people in this day and age can be real time wasters and multidating leaves one with options, all your eggs in one basket and all that. But after how many dates or weeks do most multidaters make the decision to continue with one of the individuals they happen to be dating at the time and go their separate ways with the rest? Stringing someone along for a couple of months, for example, is not only emotionally cruel, but I find it unethical, whether it's males or females.
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 (edited) Let's assume that I subscribe to the idea of multidating, I mean, some people in this day and age can be real time wasters and multidating leaves one with options, all your eggs in one basket and all that. But after how many dates or weeks do most multidaters make the decision to continue with one of the individuals they happen to be dating at the time and go their separate ways with the rest? Stringing someone along for a couple of months, for example, is not only emotionally cruel, but I find it unethical, whether it's males or females. I have low tolerance for people who waste my time and string along so for me personally I don’t focus on a guy until I see actions that the guy is getting serious towards me. If there is a guy who calls everyday and we went out few weekends in a row I would begin to focus only on him because he is starting to act and feel like a boyfriend. If I hardly hear from a guy in between dates I more than likely won’t focus on my own and probably won’t date him for long naturally. If I been out with him inconsistently well same thing. But if a guy I like and am dating shows consistency then I would naturally focus on that guy. The time frame doesn’t matter so much. It can happen within a month. Depends on when he shows consistency. However I won’t go past 3 months dating a guy if he doesn’t ask for exclusivity. So he can’t be dating me forever lol. Edited August 7, 2019 by Curiousroxy86
OatsAndHall Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 It doesn't take long to figure out if someone is "dragging you along"/throwing you on the Rolodex. If a woman is inconsistent with communication, struggles to nail down times to meet-up, or is just generally flaky/uninterested, then it's just time to move on. If a woman is truly interested, we will chat consistently, nail down dates, and it will be obvious she wants to spend time with me. 1
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