spiritedaway2003 Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) I wanted to put this in the coping thread. Since my issues stemmed from an infidelity, I think it's the right place even though I'm afraid of being vilified (though I deserved every bit of it). I had gone through a gamut of emotions. I hadn't been sleeping well and I'm in a very emotionally vulnerable state these last couple of dates even though I had been doing so well with NC. I’ve done IC (didn't help much), journal-ing. Because this isn't something that I can just talk to anyone about, the lack of support is isolating. I realized now that just trying to do NC and distracting myself isn't working when certain triggers trip me up and cause me to burst into tears. I need to dig deeper. Where do I start? I've always believed that if someone is unhappy in their relationship, they should either fix it or leave it instead of having an affair. I just never thought that I would ever get caught up in the other end of it. I won't go into the details of the affair but I am SOW who had an A with a married colleague. We knew each other as friends first (and it was truly platonic). No inappropriate conversations, but we’ve also always had an easy underlying connection and compatibility. If I am being honest with myself, I had a little crush on him - the kind you have for someone you admire and respect. Long story short, he confessed his feelings to me one day and I reciprocated. We had a short-lived EA but our EA was intense because we had a strong friendship as our basis. We were affectionate but we did not escalate into a full A. He didn’t have to lie about his whereabouts because we see other at work. He was just as deeply conflicted about his feelings so there were a lot of flip-flopping. There were the highs of connecting with each other, and the lows of trying to break because we knew we can't go there. Not a even a month into our EA, D day happened. It was horrible, for obvious reason -- the hurt caused to the BS and kids. (It didn't matter that it was mostly an EA) I've always put him first because I care about him, and I also realized that I've not been able to cope properly because I didn't think how much trauma it also brought to my life. I need to sort through issues to get myself unstuck. 1. Guilt: For hurting his wife and family. Even if their M had issues, having an A is not a solution. I think he was also blinded by his feelings that he under-estimated the devastation it would cause. The hurt I see on his face after D day was unbearable. Even though he is responsible for what he caused, I hated to see someone I love be in so much pain. And I don't ever deny my culpability in it. The devastation his BS and kids is no doubt worse. I know that if I feel so much pain, I can't imagine theirs. There's not much I can do with this. I can't ask for forgiveness from them, nor do I seek it. I have to live with what I've done (until such time when I'm ready to forgive myself) 2. Remorse (and conflict over remorse): I know people like to say that once a cheater, always a cheater. I realized that for as long as I shall live, I will never put myself into a vulnerable position where I would be susceptible to an A with anyone else. I know what the signs are. And yet, if you ask me what I would changed about this situation, my honest answer is that I might not have changed a thing. Because if I hadn't gone through it, how would I experience all that love (even though I know there's this pain waiting in the wings too). How terrible of a person am I? 3. Heartbreak: I am dealing with a heartbreak with little to no support. I'm in NC so I can't even talk to MM. The few that knew about the A thinks it's less than what it is. They don't like to hear me talk the A (for reasons I understand). Most recently when I admitted that I was struggling, they said that I am doing all the all the right things (including the IC who said I need to do NC and give them space). I also get the "You need to move on. You can't go through heartbreak when you don't even have a relationship". By nature of an EA, we were emotionally invested. It was just as real of an relationship to me as any other. I am one of those people who don't fall easily, but when I do, I fall hard. Our relationship may not have been long, but I loved him deeply. And they don't realize how real this heartbreak is for me and how much hurt and despair I'm feeling. I need to be able grieve this loss. And yes, I know I shouldn't but I wonder if he thinks about me too. Maybe it would be easier if the easier is no. Sometimes I think anger is easier to deal with than love. 4. Betrayal to myself: I moved my moral needle because I fell for him. And when you change your values for someone, you change who you are at the core. I know now I won't move that needle for anyone else but I learned my lesson a little too late. 5. Aftermath: They are separated now, while they sort things out. I feel so bad that he's now dealing with the devastation all on his own. The most loving thing I could do for him and them is to give them NC. I need to detach and know that I can't be responsible for whatever happens next, that's between him and his BS. If they do end up D, I know more guilt would set in. I don't hope for them to D nor am I holding out hope that he would come back to me, though I must admit that if he gets D and wants to give us a chance, I still would. I know I'd take the risk (he doesn't know that, of course). I need to dig deeper. I just know that I miss him so much. 6. Not knowing how to let go: I'm struggling with letting go. He learned about limerence in IC. If I'm honest, I think part of it may be that (on both ends), but to brush it off as that hurts too. I am sure there is some infatuation on my side, but I really do love him. Otherwise, this would be a lot easier. I haven't figured out how to let him go. I haven't figured out how to un-love someone. I know no matter how anyone looks at it, what we did was wrong. We tried to right those things together, but we still failed. I need to be able to pick up the pieces of my life, because my emotional well-being is in tatters right now. When I visited my elderly grandmother (she is suffering from short term memory problems) and just being innocently coy in her old age about whether I've met any nice boys at work, I had to refrain from bursting into tears because it hit too close to home. I still miss him like crazy (our easy laughs, easy humor, the little things I love about him). I'm not in a very healthy place emotionally right now. As someone who had no real baggage prior to the A, all these emotional issues are too much, too fast. It hurts. All my life, I tried to be authentic and kind to people, and I somehow screwed this up pretty badly. I don't expect sympathy from others, but for those who might rejoice in saying "You get what you deserved for getting involved with someone", I might save you the trouble. I'm already beating myself over the head with it. As I try to come to terms with how to move forward, I ask if you could spare a little kindness. I'd appreciate advice on how you were able to navigate through some of these emotions that come out of an A. Edited July 24, 2019 by spiritedaway2003 3
Beendaredonedat Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) I'll give you some advice but I'll give you no sympathy. You only stopped your EA one month or less ago. Give it time, it's like any instance of having someone in your life no longer being in it... it takes time to withdrawl from the addiction of having them in your life. Stop giving what you had so much importance and you will more quickly get to the stage of indifference to him. No, he is not thinking about you. Right now he is trying his best to make things right with his wife who he betrayed because he crossed platonic relationship boundaries with you and started spending far too much time one on one with you. His thoughts and focus are there right now I'd imagine. Your thoughts and goals should be on getting to the stage of indifference to him. Not sitting there in your reverie of him and the emotional connection you had. Make it zero contact which means stopping the thoughts of him altogether by changing your mind from him to something that has nothing to do with him or the A. Do what YOU need to do to stop feeling sorry for yourself, doing so will help you to get to that blissful stage of indifference soon enough. You work with him... you'd do well to find another job. Total zero contact will help you to stop putting so much importance on your 'connection." Edited July 24, 2019 by Beendaredonedat
mark clemson Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 So, have you been trying: - Time with friends/socializing (boost dopamine) - Time in nature (even just about 10 min/day) (boosts serotonin) - Exercise/working out (boosts endogenous opiates) - A temporary rebound relationship (if you desire this/think it would help) - just be completely honest that it's only casual and will remain that way and you're not out of bounds IMO - Lots of distractions (books, hobbies, TV shows you really like) What really gets one past this is time. It takes much longer than we'd like unfortunately, but the distress does end eventually. 1
mark clemson Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Oh I forgot - volunteering and/or joining clubs or organizations may also be good for this...
Author spiritedaway2003 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 No, he is not thinking about you. Right now he is trying his best to make things right with his wife who he betrayed because he crossed platonic relationship boundaries with you and started spending far too much time one on one with you. His thoughts and focus are there right now I'd imagine. Your thoughts and goals should be on getting to the stage of indifference to him. Not sitting there in your reverie of him and the emotional connection you had. Make it zero contact which means stopping the thoughts of him altogether by changing your mind from him to something that has nothing to do with him or the A. I had been doing so well with NC and the last couple of days, there had been triggers that really set me back. I haven't thought of zero contact in terms of diverting my thoughts. I have been distracting myself with other things, but at some point I need to confront my emotions. We no longer work together so it's not an issue anymore. Sometimes when you're in the middle of an emotional mess, it's hard to see through it, so thank you for the advice and reality check.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 1. Time (and no contact) 2. Therapy to learn to forgive yourself
Beendaredonedat Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Well, I hope you are able to forgive yourself soon. You're human, we all make mistakes in our actions at one time or another. I suppose your current pain is the consequences of your actions while tearing down personal boundaries so, knowing the lesson you've learned, hopefully will allow you to do that forgiving sooner rather than later. Take care of yourself and do your best to keep your thoughts off of him.
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 I will offer you a ((hug)) right now. It seems like you need one. Be kind to yourself. Give it time. And find yourself a good counsellor. 1
Author spiritedaway2003 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 So, have you been trying: - Time with friends/socializing (boost dopamine) - Time in nature (even just about 10 min/day) (boosts serotonin) - Exercise/working out (boosts endogenous opiates) - A temporary rebound relationship (if you desire this/think it would help) - just be completely honest that it's only casual and will remain that way and you're not out of bounds IMO - Lots of distractions (books, hobbies, TV shows you really like) What really gets one past this is time. It takes much longer than we'd like unfortunately, but the distress does end eventually. I'm meeting up more with friends these days to catch up. I'm not the happy go lucky person I used to be, and trying to shoot the breeze with friends when emotional things like these are weighing heavily on me is hard. It's tough to try to be normal and fine, but I'm trying and working really hard on it. I'd like to get more in tune with nature. Looking in an meetup event next week to get some sun, and get outside of my head. Already working on hobbies and putting in my daily exercise. I will pass on the temporary rebound relationship. I don't do casual and my heart just can't handle it right now. Thank you for these concrete suggestions.
Author spiritedaway2003 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 I will offer you a ((hug)) right now. It seems like you need one. Be kind to yourself. Give it time. And find yourself a good counsellor. Thanks so much for the virtual hug. You have no idea just how much that meant to me today. I'm going to look for a new counselor and try to work some things out in IC. I thought I had been doing better, but the last couple of days had shown me that I had just been distracting myself but I'm really an emotional wreck beneath the surface. Just...thanks.
Buffer Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 I will offer you a ((hug)) right now. It seems like you need one. Be kind to yourself. Give it time. The MM is a flog, he played you; told you what you wanted to hear. He was grooming you for the sex or PA. It will be hard but a big NC. Cut him out like a cancer. Friends, hobbies, coffee etc. Unlike one recommendation no revenge fling. You probably aren’t really thinking straight. Another bad distraction is not needed. In the future if he or any other MM starts expressing feelings or bad mouthing their spouse. Get in their face and sternly say YOU ARE MARRIED sort out your own issues. Bad MM bad boy! Good luck sorry but no sympathy from a burnt before. Harsh it sounds.
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Keep posting, if it’s helpful. Lots of support for you here. Not all comments may be helpful, but you will find a community of people who want to listen and offer their support. Take care. 2
Beentheretoooften Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Hi spirited. I’m sorry that this all came about. I’m curious, when you said dday, what actually happened? BS found out you guys talked and texted? Was there any PA at all? I know EA’s can be strong, but if that all it was, he couldn’t have hid it so it wouldn’t blow up as much as it did? I imagine I’m missing something. Did MM tell BS that he loved you? I agree that it hasn’t been enough time for you to get away from the raw emotions. When the memories start to get a little foggy, that’s when you’ll start to notice a difference. Im almost at 4 months, and at 1 month, I was immensely struggling. You know I was MM, but I feel my sitch was much different than other Mm’s. I considered medication but passed. Not a day goes by I still don’t think about her. BUT, it’s starting to get easier. Much easier. Sometimes I’ll go hours and even most of a day and not think about her. Like I have said in previous posts, I have many distractions, so I don’t have to try and make extra things to do. My memories of those 10 years are still very strong, but they are getting a tad distant. I still have a long way to go, but I see progress. YOU WILL TOO IN TIME. you have to trust the process that works. It’s hard, but you need to let go. It will happen. Wishing you courage, hope and strength. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 I'll give you some advice but I'll give you no sympathy. You only stopped your EA one month or less ago. And then only because of D-Day. Sorry OP, but you're still in the "sorry we got caught" stage, not the same thing as true remorse. It's a process, and the desire to get through it quickly is the same search for shortcuts that leads you to an affair with a married man. I empathize with your pain. But the only person I feel sorry for is his wife... Mr. Lucky
Turning point Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 I've always believed .... I just never thought that I would ever get caught up.. From the outside looking in - the real source of your pain seems obvious, and it's not the loss of the married man. It's more likely your loss of identity. Perhaps knowing that will help you chart a path to better healing. I don't have the solution just a description of what I garner form your post: You had an identity built around strong beliefs about yourself. In the affair you became someone contrary to those beliefs, and liked it. However, this new identity doesn't survive in the light of day (D-day and real world scrutiny - which is why secrecy is so important.) Now you're left only with your former identity, which has been rendered a fraud. To arrive at this place having had such strong prior convictions about our self is a conflict our psyche probably deals with using denial. We substitute "grief" (loss of the other) for what is actually self-loathing (loss of the self.) When you describe the affair - the depth of your grief doesn't make sense. The loss is not that significant. On the other hand, the reconciliation of who you previously claimed to be with who you've recently proven yourself to be - is HUGE. In front of us is denial (the affair) and behind us is a fraud (former self.) This is a horrible place to be, caught between to things - neither of which is real. If you want to heal then you need to have a true identity you believe and respect. Denial begs us to make this complicated - a state from which we can draw rationalizations and fantasy to disavow the double standards we now employ.. We call it "love" hoping it conquers all. Reality, (D-day) slaps us with simplicity. People who could support us have a clear view of our duplicity. They are the enemy of our denial and without a true identity we remain alone. IMHO, When you can speak up and say: "This is who I truly am" and also believe it - then the pain will have finally subsided. 2
Zona Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) This is about as clear cut as it gets --> Limerence While I have never been in an affair, I had crazy limerence with a girlfriend when I was around 20. It plays tricks on your mind, exaggerating feelings and emotions. Dreams, obsessive thoughts and such made it really hard to move on at the time even when it was obvious the relationship was unsustainable (pretty sure she had BPD). After a couple of decades I still occasionally have vivid dreams about her even though she really was nothing extraordinarily special like the limerence would have me believe. It's hard to explain or understand, it just is part of the human experience. It does fade over time with NC, especially once you move into a new relationship. Your situation is worse than mine because you also have the guilt of potentially breaking up a marriage and family. Perhaps you should look for a better IC if you don't find the current one is helping. Edited July 25, 2019 by Zona 1
Buffer Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Hi once again Hope you are finding the assistance you are seeking. As you work with your MM, is it really possible to go NC? Or can you restrict access to just when others are around. If he emails, VM, Text etc, this is him drawing you back in the EA. Please don’t respond even if it is just a simple greeting or how are you going? May I ask how the Discovery was made? What was his reaction? Did he throw you under the bus? So to speak. This makes it easier for others to assist in their responses to your questions. If they know some more of the total situation. Good luck and cyber hugs from Australia
notbroken Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 This line says alot: "It didn't matter that it was mostly an EA". This implies to me that it was really a physical affair which is often minimized - which helps to explain the depth of your feelings. Is that correct? Was it a PA? You had an affair with a married man and now everyone is dealing with the consequences. No doubt it is painful for all concerned including you. Unfortunately, you will probably heal faster and more completely if you no longer workat that company. I know it is alot easier said than done, but move jobs asap, absorb yourself in friends and hobbies, forgive yourself as much as possible, and stay away from married men emotionally.
heartwhole2 Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Hello, I'm sorry that you are in pain. I can imagine it is very lonely. Do you have a friend or two who would understand if you took the time to explain your devastation? I know most people's initial reaction is "Well, you shouldn't have put yourself in that position to begin with," but hopefully a true friend will listen if you explain it. I suggest finding meditations that focus on self-love, forgiveness, peace, etc. and making that part of your daily routine. You mentioned not dealing with the emotions too much so you don't get overwhelmed . . . have you ever tried the EFT (tapping) technique? Naming the things that hurt is a good way to process them. I'm also a big fan of Desmond Tutu's Book of Forgiving, which has a chapter on forgiving the self.
Author spiritedaway2003 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 Hi spirited. I’m sorry that this all came about. I’m curious, when you said dday, what actually happened? BS found out you guys talked and texted? Was there any PA at all? I know EA’s can be strong, but if that all it was, he couldn’t have hid it so it wouldn’t blow up as much as it did? I imagine I’m missing something. Did MM tell BS that he loved you? I agree that it hasn’t been enough time for you to get away from the raw emotions. When the memories start to get a little foggy, that’s when you’ll start to notice a difference. Im almost at 4 months, and at 1 month, I was immensely struggling. You know I was MM, but I feel my sitch was much different than other Mm’s. I considered medication but passed. Not a day goes by I still don’t think about her. BUT, it’s starting to get easier. Much easier. Sometimes I’ll go hours and even most of a day and not think about her. Like I have said in previous posts, I have many distractions, so I don’t have to try and make extra things to do. My memories of those 10 years are still very strong, but they are getting a tad distant. I still have a long way to go, but I see progress. YOU WILL TOO IN TIME. you have to trust the process that works. It’s hard, but you need to let go. It will happen. Wishing you courage, hope and strength. Thanks. I know folks are interested in the details of the A and D day, but I don't wish re-live them here. These will have to live with me, MM, BS, and my therapist. The one person that deserves to know the extent of the A is the BS, and she knows. He told her the truth. She didn't believe him and obviously thought the worst, understandably. Once the dust settled, I think she realized that he told her the truth. I won't go into the how; I'll just leave it at that. The reason I think I am grieving harder over the loss has more to do with me, rather than the A.
TheRainbow Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 I say this gently. Get yourself into some counselling. I've cheated on and off my entire relationship with my husband. I recognized the signs and what would lead to cheating, but it didn't stop me. Instead of focusing on the signs, focus on what brought you to that point in the first place. What unhealthy coping mechanisms or poor personal boundaries did you have that led you to this path. 1
Author spiritedaway2003 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) IMHO, When you can speak up and say: "This is who I truly am" and also believe it - then the pain will have finally subsided. TP, I have only started to work through why it had been such as difficult process. It had always been so easy because who I am and what I believed had always aligned. Now trying to reconcile who I am and what I've done is a bigger piece I'm struggling with, perhaps more than I'm letting on. Thanks for articulating the psychoanalysis so well. I still have to think some things through, especially about your comment about "love". I genuinely had love for him, and I'm not putting him on a pedestal. I know his flaws too. We just know and "get" each other in a way that I haven't with anyone else (and I know people and can talk to just anyone, but not everyone will have that connection). I know what love is but I don't fall in love with anyone easily. I could count the the number of times I actually fell in love. Just once. Right here. To have someone who have feelings for you and you return those feelings... not an excuse, but it does shed some light into why my boundaries started to crumble. I still have things to work through, but thanks for that gem of an analysis. Edited July 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
Author spiritedaway2003 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 This is about as clear cut as it gets --> Limerence While I have never been in an affair, I had crazy limerence with a girlfriend when I was around 20. It plays tricks on your mind, exaggerating feelings and emotions. Dreams, obsessive thoughts and such made it really hard to move on at the time even when it was obvious the relationship was unsustainable (pretty sure she had BPD). After a couple of decades I still occasionally have vivid dreams about her even though she really was nothing extraordinarily special like the limerence would have me believe. Although it pains me to think that it could just limerence, that could be very well at play here. It doesn't justify what happened, but it does explain some behavioral things (from both him and myself). There is an addictive quality to it; seeing him and talking to him made me happy.
Author spiritedaway2003 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) Hello, I'm sorry that you are in pain. I can imagine it is very lonely. Do you have a friend or two who would understand if you took the time to explain your devastation? I know most people's initial reaction is "Well, you shouldn't have put yourself in that position to begin with," but hopefully a true friend will listen if you explain it. It had been very lonely, and that is why I struggled as much as I did. I'm doing a lot better today, thank you. I met up with a friend today, and I put my best effort on sharing updates (but not talking about the A to get my mind off things). She knew me well enough to know I have some things on my mind and offered a listening ear if needed. In a separate conversation, she mentioned that someone was getting divorced but added, "oh, it's not for reasons like cheating"... There are other reasons why it's not a good idea. You guys have been an incredible bunch here, and I couldn't thank you enough for helping to get through a rough patch the last couple of days. I know people IRL who won't look too kindly to what I've done. I was one of those people. I know. I will look into getting some professional help. Edited July 26, 2019 by spiritedaway2003 1
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2019 Posted July 26, 2019 what we did was wrong. We tried to right those things together, but we still failed. What does this mean? You two tried to right those things together but still failed. Stop beating up on yourself! It serves no purpose now unless you want to feel like crap and want to self abuse yourself for punishment. Doing counseling will help you find "you" again, as well as learning to forgive yourself for choosing this painful path.
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