Morello Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 Hello friends, I need some advice or at least some insights. I've been seeing this woman for about 3 weeks now. We matched online and 'clicked' right when we met. There is a good chemistry between us and we've been really into each other. We've been on a few dates and only had sex for the first time the last weekend. Before that, she asked me about the last time I got tested for STI. It had been one year or more so I thought it was a good idea to test again. It all came negative for the major STIs I got tested for. It's a 'standard' sexual health test. She also asked me, a few days before having sex, whether I was having sex with someone else at the moment, which I replied that I am not. She told me the same and that she has been tested for STIs recently so it was all ready to go. I know, a bit too pragmatic for me, but I understood her valid concerns. Also, we had sex using condoms so there was no big deal about it, so I thought. After we had sex and while still laying on her bed, she started asking more questions about my sexual history. I felt a bit umcofortable to be honest. She asked about whether I had unprotected casual sex before and I said I had only with previous girlfriends but not casually. Then she asked if I had slept with multiple people at once (???) and I said I didn't. She kept asking questions she had asked before, and I told her it seemed like she was trying to tell/ask something but wouldnt' say it. I think she was trying to gauge how promiscuous I was/am. At some point, we talked about Herpes, etc. I said I never had any symptoms and since they can't test for it, there was no way to be certain but I felt confident that I don't have it. She then apologised for asking so many questions but said she was a bit 'paranoid' about sexual health and that some people don't care too much about it as much as she does. The thing is, with my previous girlfriend, she told me straight away she had herpes but was taking medication and was not having any symptoms while we were together. At some point, after a few months, we ended up having sex a few times without a condom. It felt like a normal thing to do given herpes is quite prevalent and the risk of contamination is much lower when there are no symptoms and under medication. It was a calculated risk, given it was my partner and I felt ok with it given the fact she was very honest and transparent about it. I did my research (I'm a public health researcher also) and most clinicians are pretty relaxed about Herpes. They say most sexually active people will get herpes at some point in their lives and most will never even develop symptoms. Also, symptoms tend to decrease with time, etc. They told me I most likely had sex with someone with herpes before my girlfriend anyway. 1 out of 6 sexually active people have the genital herpes virus and it is way more prevalent as people grow older. Now the point is: I feel that I need to disclose this info (about me and my ex-girlfriend) to the new girl, given how paranoid she is about it. And I'm almost sure it will be a deal breaker for her and honestly, it may be one for me as well to deal with someone who is so paranoid about herpes. Even if it's not a dealbreaker, it will kill the vibe for sure. She seems to be really into me and already talked about future, etc, very slightly and not in a freaky way. It's a weird situation, I guess. I don't really know what to do. I think that only disclosing that "I might have it but don't know for sure" will not be enough. This is the kind of information that I personally don't think I should disclose to people I'm dating, because I never had any symptoms and my ex-girlfriend was taking anti-herpes medication and without symptoms at the time. I have no indication of having herpes at all. I could have asymptomatic herpes, but I certainly never had any symptoms, not even slightly. Honestly I don't think herpes is a big deal at all. But she seems to think otherwise and now I'm overthinking everythink and want to tell her about it and possibly end things - or maybe she will end things first I don't know. What are your thoughts on this? What is the level of disclosure you have with new people you are dating about your sexual past history? And especially about herpes that is so prevalent and we all "may or may not" have it? Also, I'm 35 and she's 31 if that's important.
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 Although CDC does not recommend that everyone get tested for herpes, herpes testing may be useful in some situations. Herpes blood tests (also called type-specific HSV serologic tests) might be useful If you have genital symptoms that could be related to herpes, If you have (or have had) a sex partner with genital herpes, or If you want a complete STD exam, especially if you have multiple sex partners Genital Herpes Screening FAQ
PRW Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 After we had sex and while still laying on her bed, she started asking more questions about my sexual history. I felt a bit umcofortable to be honest.She is carrying it too far. You did the test, it was clean, and you are both laying there after the fact when it would have been too late by then anyway.
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 She is carrying it too far. You did the test, it was clean, and you are both laying there after the fact when it would have been too late by then anyway. Nothing wrong with trying to protect her health and suss out risks. It will be her, her fertility/babies that will potentially suffer. 1
schlumpy Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 I'm not sure I swallow the "I'm concerned about my sexual health" line. If that was a major concern for her then why isn't abstinence part of her life style? It certainly works every time it's tried. I favor your interpretation that she was prying into your sexual past for some reason. Best Wishes 1
smackie9 Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 Nothing wrong with trying to protect her health and suss out risks. It will be her, her fertility/babies that will potentially suffer. This^^^^. IMO she has every right to ask questions, which I don't see an issue with. She still wants to have a sex life, but a safe one. Since you know she has a concern, it would be only fair to tell her, since you are already having sex. If you feel it's none of her concern, well maybe you two are just not compatible with your view about safe sex. The funny thing is you and others are thinking she's hiding something, when it is you that is doing it. 2
OatsAndHall Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 It's something that you both should be concerned about. I don't ask a woman about her past sexual history but we certainly have the STI discussion before jumping into the sack. 1
Mrin Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 Just go get a herpes test. You _can_ test for herpes 1
Kitty Tantrum Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 Yep yep - you CAN be tested for herpes. It's not part of the routine panel, but is recommended if you've had sex with someone who has it. Just because her questions made you uncomfortable doesn't mean she's wrong to ask them. She should have asked all of her questions BEFORE the sex happened, but the human brain never works optimally under the influence of attraction. If you like her otherwise, cut her some slack. A little paranoia in the STI department isn't really a bad thing. A woman who is paranoid is a lot less likely to infect you with something. I recommend that you BOTH get tested - since she's probably never been tested before either if she's never had symptoms of an outbreak. Either of you could have it, whether you've used barriers with previous partners or not. It's generally not ON the shaft of the penis or IN the vagina - but around the edges where a condom won't protect you anyway. 1
BaileyB Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 I just really love that this conversation happened AFTER you had sex... 3
Happy Lemming Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 It's something that you both should be concerned about. I don't ask a woman about her past sexual history but we certainly have the STI discussion before jumping into the sack. Yes, same here!!
Lotsgoingon Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Of course there is a herpes test ... one of my best friends showed me her results. She went to the doctor ... it's a straight-up test. But I get how odd it was to be asked all these questions after sex. What might have helped is for her to come out and state her worries and concerns ... I get the sense that this woman experienced something or got an STI before ... but didn't want to disclose that.
crispytoast Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 I don't think it is wrong to ask questions about a new partners sexual health. I do think that it's rude to ask about sexual history if your partner did not offer up that information in the first place. If my partner is clean, that is what is important to me -- it's not my business if she used to have freaky sex before me.
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Clean test means little if a person's MO is to casually sleep with multiple partners... OK to get defensive over tough or probing questions, but context is all. Clean test - sleeping with multiple people, had ONS or met up with FWB, or slept with ex, or slept with someone off Tinder, or had a threesome - suddenly not necessarily "clean" any more... Your health status can change in an instant. Assessing risk is impossible, if one also fails to ask the right questions. 2
healing light Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 You can do a blood test to check for antibodies against herpes. It's HPV that doesn't have a widely accepted routine test for men (they do for women, but usually only test men for it if they break out in warts). I'm very cautious about STDs, so I require that my partner get tested before our intimacy. To me, it's important to know when was the last time they had sex on top of the panel because major STDs like HIV/Hep can have an incubation period of several months before they are detectable depending on the test that's run. I know that herpes is quite common and often asymptomatic so I'm not as concerned about it in comparison to other STDs like hepatitis, but I'd still like to be made aware. Clearly your partner is very focused on this so you should get yourself tested to put both of your minds at ease. If you live in the US, you can order a confidential 10 panel STD test that checks for the IgG antibodies of both herpes 1 & 2 for just shy of two hundred dollars online and take the orders into a lab. In terms of the questions about casual or unsafe sex... I think that's a values *and* a health thing. Probably not the best time to suss that out right after having slept with you, but I do understand some questions about how you feel about sex/where your boundaries are in that regard. I greatly prefer relationships with people who are monogamous and outgrew or no longer engage in high-risk sex like escorts, orgies, etc. by the time they are in their 30s. Different strokes for different folks...
salparadise Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 After we had sex and while still laying on her bed, she started asking more questions... I feel that I need to disclose this info (about me and my ex-girlfriend) to the new girl, given how paranoid she is about it. And I'm almost sure it will be a deal breaker for her and honestly, it may be one for me as well to deal with someone who is so paranoid about herpes. After sex, while laying on her bed, eh? I'd say her timing may be a little off. I wouldn't be too worried since ex-gf was taking the suppressant. My suggestion would be to get the test immediately, and not mention anything about the ex-gf to the new gal. If the test is negative, the ex-gf is irrelevant. If you tell her about the exposure, that image will probably not be erased by a negative test. 2
crispytoast Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Clean test means little if a person's MO is to casually sleep with multiple partners... OK to get defensive over tough or probing questions, but context is all. Clean test - sleeping with multiple people, had ONS or met up with FWB, or slept with ex, or slept with someone off Tinder, or had a threesome - suddenly not necessarily "clean" any more... Your health status can change in an instant. Assessing risk is impossible, if one also fails to ask the right questions. Sure, but people can lie about all of that. The STD test doesn't lie. If you can't trust your partner, or can't trust your choice in a partner, is it really fair to even be dating them?
lana-banana Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 OP, it sounds like you're confusing herpes with HPV. The only known test for HPV in men has been limited to a clinical trial and there is indeed no way for a man to know whether he has HPV unless 1) he has one of the strains that creates genital warts or 2) his partner suddenly tests positive on her pap smear. Herpes, by contrast, has a blood test that's fairly reliable within about a month of initial transmission. You're right that genital herpes isn't that big a deal, all things considered, and if your last girlfriend took antibiotics and you always wore condoms then you probably didn't get it. But you need a herpes test (HSV2 specifically) to be fully confident. Please go get tested immediately. I also agree that it's weird that she wants this conversation after you had sex. If she was that paranoid why wouldn't the conversation come first? Were you both so caught up in the moment that she just couldn't stop? Either way, there's clearly some reason she's so hung up on this. if you haven't had a blood test for HSV2 then you really owe it to yourself and her. And next time, have the STI test before you jump in bed.
spiderowl Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Herpes is caused by a virus. Antibiotics would not treat/prevent it. However, anti-viral treatments might reduce the risk of transmission.
lana-banana Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Herpes is caused by a virus. Antibiotics would not treat/prevent it. However, anti-viral treatments might reduce the risk of transmission. Sorry, yes, I meant antivirals. Valtrex is quite effective at reducing the risk of transmission, and it's easier for women to get genital herpes than men, so it's entirely possible that OP doesn't have it. He won't know without a blood test.
fromheart Posted July 26, 2019 Posted July 26, 2019 Herpes is a big deal, its an STD. You can get tested for it. My ex didn't tell me she had herpes till layer (glad she's out my life) but she took care not to yave sex during an outbreak. Two doctors have told me the chance of me catching are so low, I don't need a test. However, I'll be going for a test anyway. It sounds like she may be interested in having a threesome, to be honest.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 26, 2019 Posted July 26, 2019 I just really love that this conversation happened AFTER you had sex... My thoughts exactly. Although I commend her for being sexually responsible and asking hard questions about sexual history, I find it both amusing and oddly disturbing she chose to have that in depth conversation after sex. I tend to be a bit paranoid myself when it comes to sexual health and will do the same thing with partners I'm interested in having sex with. I'd rather be informed early so I can make an informed decision how I want to proceed. At the end of the day, the only way to absolutely guarantee you will never catch anything is through abstinence How many of us are willing to go that route? Not me. As for your ex and herpes, that's a tough one. It's one thing to have had unprotected sex and another to have it with someone who has an STI. This information may very well freak her out and might end things with her but at the same time, if this develops into something more serious, telling her later when feelings have been established might be infinitely worse. She will likely feel betrayed that you didn't disclose this info when she asked early on. I'd rather take the risk and be straight up about things sooner rather than later, particularly with someone who clearly see this as an issue. Good luck.
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