Lishy Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Well Nyasa AGAIN you have been a great help and for that thank you very much! It's 8am and i have been laying in bed for the last hour remembering what i shared with that guy and how i messed it up by acting like a 'freak' Because he was 'normal' and had his own life i would get so pissed if he did not call every day then i would stress over every minor detail. The guy did nothing wrong and he was so into me and i screwed that up by getting upset one minute and nonchalent the next. he honestly did not know where he stood with me at all and to be honest he must think i am nutso. When i look back at things i did i cringe - I basically starting using him as a booty call when i did not get the attention i wanted from him. The thing is i did not even give it time to grow before i was expecting the world from him. If he said anything i did not like i would tell him and he wouldnt do it again. Nyasa I miss him and i want to contact him so badly its killing me. I cant even do this as i have embarressed myself so much now i basically put it on a plate for him and he didnt even reply WHAT A MFKER!!!!!!!!! One minute i feel so positive and think 'Oh well his loss' and the next i want him in my bed with his big arms around me - I felt so safe with him! He is a normal guy with not much baggage and I am a single mum with a nuts ex boyfriend and baggage as long as the Nile! How could anyone want me? Wow it's a really bad day today I am throwing the biggest pity party for myself! Nyasa I wish you all of the best in your new relationship and I am so sorry you have suffered hurt in your previous relationships. I am scared I will mould any new relationships to be just like my last as well, it's an easy thing to do i was heading there after just 2 months of seeing someone on a casual basis. God give me strength to really find inner love and respect for myself. I sometimes feel like I was put here just to please others and the weight is sometimes hard to carry. writing on here makes me feel so much better - Sorry if this same crap is driving you all insane!!!!!!
Outcast Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Sorry but you develop the formula to fit the guy. There are no general rules Exactly. And stuff the games. Some men hate 'challenges' and some looove them. But none of this is about 'men' in general. What you should be is reasonable. There are times in life when both of you will need to put more focus on career, school, whatever. Nobody prefers doing that to spending time with someone they love, but it has to be done. So first you're miserable because you're putting aside your own desires to fulfil your responsibilites. Imagine what fun it is if then your SO gives you grief over it. Already you're not happy with the situation because you're doing it because you have to, and now the person who ideally would be supportive and help you enjoy the time you can steal away from the obligation makes your time together miserable by questioning whether you really care - over and over - and telling you off for doing what you really aren't wanting to do anyway. If your SO guarantees that it will change, give him a chance to prove it but don't give him endless grief while it's going on or he'll decide (quite rightly) that you're not very fair or reasonable. And then he will be 'just not that into you'.
ConfusedInOC Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Most of the women I've met lately have no clue what they want. Nothing is worse than a wishy/washy person. I realize not everything in life is black and white but to quote a RUSH song: "If you choose not to decide you STILL have made a choice...." 1
housebaby Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 That is a dangerous position. If he thinks he is not needed, what does the relationship amount to? There is a difference between not needing someone and needing someone all the time. And if you subsequently chose a guy, I would be even more hesitant - after all what are your ambitions, as I am not needed around anyway? Of course, anyone can change their mind, anytime. It happens in relationships - but if you want a healthier relationship than one where you are constantly on the emotional guard (and that works in both directions), that is not the wasy to go. What I mean to say, is that your happiness should not depend on NEEDING him there to re-assure you. You should WANT him, and CHOOSE him....not NEED him, I just don't think anyone wants a needy person. When someone relies too much on another person for happiness --- what do they do when that person isn't there? they should WANT to be with a person, not NEED them. It's symantics (yes). But basically I am saying you shouldn't need to have anyone - if you are secure, you will want them not need them. Again, everyone is different....personally, I wouldn't want someone to need me and I would rather they choose me instead. think about the definition of the word NEED: 1. A condition or situation in which something is required: crops in need of water; a need for affection. 2. Something required; a requisite: 3. Necessity; obligation: There is no need for you to go. 4. A condition of poverty or misfortune: The family is in dire need. pretty bleak and sad sounding.
d'Arthez Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 But basically I am saying you shouldn't need to have anyone - if you are secure, you will want them not need them. Absolutely true, but then we are talking about an ideal situation - wherein past issues don't play a major role for both people in a relationship. You must not forget that people in relationships make assumptions about the other person in it. We can't read the thoughts of the other directly. And if a person does not feel needed, that in itself points to other problems in the relationship. What is the value of a relationship, where a person is feeling as if his / her presence does not make a difference to their SO? The difference between NEED and WANT is not an absolute one, a want can become a need, and vice versa. And given that not every want and need will be fulfilled, people will have to find ways to deal with these "disappoinments." And this issue becomes even much more complex, if we are going to look at the large population of men. Sadly, I can't shake of the impression that most people are insecure and suffer from various fears, with regards to the relationships. And that has consequences for how a lot of people approach relationships. It is not hard to paint the picture of an ideal relationship, but it is much harder to work in a real relationship to make it a great one.
housebaby Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 True. I guess, for me (personally) - I don't NEED anyone.... when I was born and growing up, I NEEDED MY MOTHER/FATHER. and that is how I look at the word need. Like it's something you wouldn't be able to survive without...it seems so childlike. I am a very independant person - a single mother, and I look at my child, and she NEEDS me...because without me, there would be no survival. I hope she grows up to be indepenant and able to survive on her own - and not NEED someone. I would hope that she can be happy with herself, and have a strong enough mind to make her own decisions, create her path the way she chooses. If she needs a man to make her feel strong/safe/worthwhile then I would probably be disheartened. The problem with NEEDING someone is that when they are gone - what are you going to do? people are not invincible, we lose people all the time (breaking up, moving away, growing-up....death) so, if we need someone, how are we going to cope when our need is lost/gone? Just my opinon.
Lishy Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Plus needyness is SOOO unattractive in either sexes!!!
housebaby Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Plus needyness is SOOO unattractive in either sexes!!! thank you!
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