Ok, guys so what do you want?!

[Nyasa]

With all the contridicting advice out there, I have to ask you "real guys" here.

Does a guy want a girl who has her own life and isn't always available or do you want the suzy homemaker, "whatever you want" girl?

I am in a realtionship with a guy who I love and he says he loves me, but I feel neglected, I feel like he is not taking interest in MY life. I feel like this is his realtionship. WHen I have pulled back and have been assertive, he has put in more effort, then takes it back days later! He says right now he is busy and focusing on the new career and that's why he is isn't that involved in my life. I HATE it, I feel like I have given up on the independent me for the last few years for men and failed realtionships. SO how do I get him more interested? How do I make him see that I am worth it? I tried the bitch, the nice girl and so on and so forth. What's the right formula? I really do love this guy and I am pretty sure he loves me too, but I feel like he is taking advantage of the fact that I am not busy right now. MAybe I am not being enough of a bitch, I mean I will say how I feel and pull back a bit, but then I am quick to make up for it and apologize!

Help me out!

[Art_Critic]

Simple we want "a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom"

 

I don't think it is a matter of what we want it is a matter of want you and he want.

 

You need to talk to him about this.. If he is not meeting your needs then you need to think about someone else.

 

Talk to him.. Tell him basically in essence what you wrote in your post

[NTB]

lady in the streets and a sexual beast in bed

[alphamale]

I tried the bitch, the nice girl and so on and so forth. What's the right formula?

the "right" formula NYASA is being both a bitch and nice girl all rolled up into one. The key is knowing when to be nice and when to be a bitch!

[Nyasa]

Hum, that's great, hopefully you were joking.

But, you are right in that I should talk to him, BUT that seems to only go so far. He listens, agrees, does a 180 and then back to the same old, same old.I guess I have to figure out if it's worth "waiting it out" bc he assures me it won't be this way forever, he just really wants to be sucessful. His family and friends keep telling me to "bear with him", but my fear is I will keep doing so to never see change. I understand the career thing being important and his ambition makes me proud of him, BUT I just want to know someday I will be just as important. HE tells me that all the sucess in the world is not worth it without a good realtionship, a good women, and family, BUT I guess right now he doesn't see it as a priority. To be honest the last thing I want right now is marriage and family, that can wait, so I guess I should just go with the flow and realize in time we will have our time.

[Nyasa]

the "right" formula NYASA is being both a bitch and nice girl all rolled up into one. The key is knowing when to be nice and when to be a bitch!

 

so when is the right time to be nice and then the bitch?

[alphamale]

so when is the right time to be nice and then the bitch?

that is what YOU have to figure out...

[housebaby]

I think what they mean to say is:

 

Be there to support him when things get tough, or really great --- but don't let him walk all over you or witness your weakness for (him & his attention). Make him think that you don't NEED him, that you CHOOSE him....and we can change our minds at any time (right girls?)

 

Don't let him in on how much it bothers you that he doesn't devote all of his time/attention to you -- try to do other things like : hang out with friends, get a new hobby, work harder at YOUR OWN independance.

 

Don't be too demanding or clingy (NOBODY likes that, and if he's trying to climb the social ladder - you are only adding to the stress & pressure).

 

Be proper and held together when in public, around family and friends...but lose the inhibitions completely in the bedroom. It's not too hard to be NAUGHTY and NICE at the same time

 

And lastly, if you are not getting what you want: just walk away...life is too short to be unhappy. There are 6 billion people in this world, there is no reason to settle for less...and if he truly loves you he will see what he has before it's gone.

 

Good luck!

[Nyasa]

Thanks housebaby, that clears up a lot. Of course i got the best reply from a women, ha ha! I'm trying these things, it's all new to me, my last relationship and pretty much only other serious one was a little ass backwards. This is the first relationship were we have taken our time and he isn't up my butt all the time so I question how he feels when I should know better. I do feel he takes me for advantage, but that is my own fault b/c I throw myself at him and make everything about him. I'm learning, thanks for the advice. I am slowly trying to get back that independence I once had and believe I am worth it. Baby steps. And he is a nice guy, I just think as an insecure, burned women I am trying too hard to find mistakes and feed off them. Silly. I'll learn somehow, coming here certainly helps, thanks for the advice.

[fusangite]

With all the contridicting advice out there, I have to ask you "real guys" here.

Real guys have contradictory and complex needs and desires, just as real women do.

Does a guy want a girl who has her own life and isn't always available or do you want the suzy homemaker, "whatever you want" girl?

Well, different guys want different things. On top of that, the same guy can want different things at different times, or even, at the same time.

I am in a realtionship with a guy who I love and he says he loves me, but I feel neglected, I feel like he is not taking interest in MY life. I feel like this is his realtionship. WHen I have pulled back and have been assertive, he has put in more effort, then takes it back days later! He says right now he is busy and focusing on the new career and that's why he is isn't that involved in my life. I HATE it, I feel like I have given up on the independent me for the last few years for men and failed realtionships. SO how do I get him more interested? How do I make him see that I am worth it? I tried the bitch, the nice girl and so on and so forth. What's the right formula?

Sorry but you develop the formula to fit the guy. There are no general rules. I usually turn women off by being too interested in them and wanting to please them, for instance.

I really do love this guy and I am pretty sure he loves me too, but I feel like he is taking advantage of the fact that I am not busy right now. MAybe I am not being enough of a bitch, I mean I will say how I feel and pull back a bit, but then I am quick to make up for it and apologize!

So, have you discussed this with him? It may be that he want to have a lower-maintenance relationship than you want. If that's the case, rather than trying to change and manipulate him, you should look for someone who will give you the level of attention you see as appropriate.

[basscatcher]

Housebaby-what you have said here is almost exactly what one guy told me. I have been in Nyasa shoes. Its hard to change the way we are when we are use to being who we are. I still haven't acquired the ability to just go about my own life with hobbies and such. I want to share them all with a (him).

I too feel like I am being pushed away, ignored or neglected..

 

Housebaby's words are what I have heard guys who have their heads screwed on straight say...

[alphamale]

I have been in Nyasa shoes. ..

were those a pair of 5" spike heels PADAMECKLA??

[housebaby]

Just remember that this advice only work if the guy is: involved in or wanting a relationship...not if they just have alterior motives (have I ever learned that one!)

 

I figured this out after being burned (in different ways) a few times...lessons learned are not soon forgotten! I also have very close male friends, without whom I may have turned out to be a total man-hater. Getting close to them and observing their wants/needs in their relationship(s) gave me clarity on the whole male-female dynamic.

 

 

[housebaby]

This is the first relationship were we have taken our time and he isn't up my butt all the time so I question how he feels when I should know better. I do feel he takes me for advantage, but that is my own fault b/c I throw myself at him and make everything about him. I'm learning, thanks for the advice. I am slowly trying to get back that independence I once had and believe I am worth it.

 

This is probably the root of the problem. Inexperience. I've sooooo been there!

 

My very first serious relationship was abusive (controlling, emotionall/physically abusive). That shaped my next few relationships.

 

When I finally got the kind of guy I SHOULD have wanted - I was confused....thinking that jealously, co-dependance, etc were what meant "love/caring" I thought the guy who wasn't down my throat and telling me what to do didn't care about me....WRONG!! (*your situation is probably a little different, but same idea)

 

You need to re-evaluate your own expectations and priorities - figure out what you really want. Think about what you DIDN'T like about the first relationship, and look at how this one measures up ... it may give you the insight you want.

 

I know it's hard to distract yourself when you are in love, but its something you MUST do...you can't let another person be in control of your emotions - self-control is definitely an art -- and creating a masterpiece doesn't take one day....

[basscatcher]

were those a pair of 5" spike heels PADAMECKLA??

 

 

In my closet waiting for the weekend to come!!!! Do you wanna put them on for me so I don't have to bend over to strap them?

[Lishy]

Ok I have another question for they guys .. (maybe a girl could give me the answer lol)

Ok so you tell a guy you miss him and to let you know if he wants something less casual in a text (yes i am STILL obsessing over this crap) and he doesnt reply! Is this because ...

 

1. He is not interested

2. he is not sure and doesnt want to cut all ties

3. He is a prick!

 

Seriousley guys if you didnt want to know a girl would you just tell her or would you go silent and hope she gets the hint?

See I see it that if i got that text from a guy i didnt like i would let him know i was not interested but if i wasnt sure maybe i would just say nothing as i wouldnt know what to say

let me have a mans perspective on this

[housebaby]

Yep. another estrogen charged answer....(just want to help)

 

I found out that most guys are wimps when it comes to dumping/dissing a girl. They would rather the girl get fed up and oust them instead of having to break some dame's heart.

 

Sad but true.

 

They would just ignore, or play games until the girl gets a hint instead of simply saying 'I'm just not into you' or 'this isn't working out' or whatever excuse that comes to mind.

 

I would say that if he still hasn't responded, or has been vague = he probably isn't very interested. Guys don't usually forget/ignore someone/something they want....

 

When this (almost identical issue) happened to me: I eventually just asked him straight out ---

 

I texted him: "so...should I bother keeping in touch or should I leave you alone?" simple and sweet.

 

He Responded: 'ya, I'm tired of you thinking there is something wrong...it seems like you want a boyfriend and I don't do relationships"

 

Great. Now I know that it was only sex, and I moved on - There are tonnes of other people to choose from......

 

"NEXT?!?!?"

[Nyasa]

Hey Lishy, yeah I would say he isn't that interested and move on to someone who will appreciate your attention or at least be man enough to let you know he isn't interested in a more mature fashion. I bet you if he did contact you back, not only would you be relieved, but you probably wouldn't be as interested as you are right now. Just a thought, I've been there. Stop worrying about it, worrying is needless, especially in a situation like this, it will just drive you crazy! I know! Try to be positive, leave it be and busy your mind on something else. If it's really that important to you, try what Housebaby did, ask him straight out if he wants you to leave him be. BUT in your gut I think you already know that ansewer, so why put yourself through more bull**** for some guy who obviously doesn't give you enough respect. Good luck!

Housebaby, thanks for all the insight, you and I actually have A LOT in common! The first guy I sort of got serious with (I say sort of b/c I basically followed him like a puppydog and he only called me his gf when he wanted something like sex, I even gave him my virginity as well as a lot of self respect) was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. I was such a strong, even feministic sort of teenager until I moved away from home at 19 and found myself pretty alone and naive about EVERYTHING. I attached myself to the first guy who paid me attention and pretty much put my whole self in his hands. He was a nasty man, an out of control alcholic and I thought "if i just help him through all this, he will love me forever the right way", pathetic! I turned away a lot of nice guys b/c my idea of a realtionship became ****ed up. Nice guys scared me, mean a**h***s comforted me, sound awful, it was.

When I moved home, I immediatley fell into another realtionship with my now ex fiance. He seemed like such a nice, romantic guy, BUT my self-destructive behavior turned that around. I think he got so hurt, confused and frustrated, that I taught him to mistrust and go figure he became a controlling, emotionally abusive partner that I didn't know how to get away from. I was a co-dependent mess, we both were. I don't want to blame it all on my self-destructive behavior, but let's just say it seemed I had a radar for guy's with a scared past who couldn't wait to take it out on some girl. Is it sick to think we unconsiously look for the pain!!

Anyways once that realtionship ended, I realized i was putting myself in these hurtful situations. I went to therpy (still do) and it has helped tremendsouly. BUT it is a little soon to be in a new realtionship, I admit and that is where I get super paranoid and even revert back to "well everything is good, so what is wrong, i gotta find the drama or it doesn't feel ok" make sense. I am learning and fortuntly through this website, therpy and good reading I am restraining myself, mostly, from acting out. Still trying to curb the crazy thinking though. In time.

He REALLY is a great guy and I want this to work, it's so normal sometimes it scares me, make sense? I am also REALLY scared, I do not want to overlook something unhealthy b/c of my low self-esteem or past behaviors. AND of course I do not want to get hurt!!

I just need to take my time and relax, keep working on me. Thanks everyone, without having a place to vent, I'd take it out on the poor boy who is trying to love me.

[Lishy]

Thank you Nyasa you have been a great help!

I think because he didnt reply and say an outright no I am holding on to the fact that he MAY want to dohhhhh - Then i think HE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY and think its his loss - then i am back to obsessing WHY he doesnt want me. I know its an ego thing as well though.

i DO think that if he called i would not be as interested but i feel i have made myself look desperate by telling him how i feel (I did previousley ask if he wanted me to take him out of my phone and he said no way)

The crap part is that cos i just came out of a 14 yr controlling relationship i handled it all wrong at the start and jumped in too quick and expected too much from him and i do think i scared him.

I just want him to contact me so i can get a bit of my self esteem back.

I just have to get over this and realise HE IS NOT INTO ME .... shame it's so hard to do

[Nyasa]

That reminds me Lishy, have you ever read "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt? I highly suggest it for situations like this, puts things in perspective, you see dating in a different light. Instead of obsessing about it and reading too much into it, they teach you that it's much eaiser to accept he isn't into you and so what, onto the guy that's better suited for you. Anyways I suggest you read it.

Also, 14 years! Holy crap, of course your self-esteem isn't going to be flying high. I suggest taking some time for YOU and healing, stop worrying about the **** heads. I know easier said then done, I mean hell I am in a serious relationship less than 4 months after my ex fiance and I ended things, we put each other through hell for 5 years and I think somehow I can wave a magic wand and be miracously ready for love and another realtionship. Wish it could be that easy. As much as you know you are better off w/o the other person/realtionship and as much as the new guy/realtionship is so much better, doesn't mean our inner workings are near figuring it out and feeling ok. I KNOW!

If you do want to keep on dating even though you may not be emotionally ready, I suggest keep working on YOU at the same time. THERPY is beautiful, so is just spending alone time, being with friends and family that you formally neglected (coming from being in a controlling realtionship I am sure you know what I mean and let me tell you reconnecting feels so good) and figuring out who you are NOW and what you want. It's SCARY as all hell and sometimes I want to hide in the new guy and obsess about him and our realtionship to avoid the hard process of facing myself and BEING ALONE! BUT the more you keep getting up after the many times you get knocked down (and believe me it keeps happening and when you least expect it, just let it happen) the stronger you feel, the more you know yourself and the better the self-esteem/self-love gets. BELIEVE me, I have been in shambles on the ground MANY, MANY times in the last few months and I wanted to just give up and emerse myself in my new guy and the realtionship and luckily, blessing in disguise (there are always signs everywhere) my new man wouldn't have it, he has a LIFE and he encourges me to do the same! It really should be about two people who like their lives, have it together and then come together when they can and share that. NOT hum who can I chase after and who will finally let me be part of his life so I can show him I will do anything HE wants to make HIM happy. Coming from a controlling realtionship I am sure you know where I am coming from and I am sure you somehow unconsciously look for the same kind of guy b/c as sick as it is, it's comforting to people like us. It would be much eaiser for us to give and give to someone else then to our own self, do you get me? Sometimes spending time healing our own wounds seems a lot harder and scarier than just focusing on someone else's. We somehow believe well if I fix him, he'll fix me, YEAH RIGHT. They just learn to take advantage of that and eventually feel it's ok to neglect you.

IT'S HARD, all this starting over and at the same time trying to rediscover yourself, but I highly suggest you make this time, YOUR TIME! Some things that helped me 1) Of course THERPY, you would be surprised at the things you discover and just being able to have a place to vent w/o a bias opinion is refreshing 2) Reading all those cliche "smile until your blue in the face, think positive" mumbo jumbo books actually helps. The more you surround yourself with positive things to read (I keep post-its of qoutes that ring true for me everywhere, my car, work, home, I am sure people think I am insane, but they end up liking the qoutes too and it really does not let you listen to the negative chatter) the better. 3) Surround yourself with positive, loving people. Have dinner parties with them, go check out the new resturant, keep yourself busy with inspiring people. 4) Get a hobby or go out and try different things. I live in a small town and I thought I was doomed to be bored and stuck in a rut, thinking about all the "could and woulds" BUT I started looking at the local newspapers for events, classes, things to do and I try at least one new thing a week. You'll be amazed how much there is to do out there and you constantly find out new things about yourself that you never thought you would. 5) A healthy diet and excersice. Ok, I know I sound like some silly article in a women's magazine, but these things REALLY help. I try to avoid the things that will make me feel like a lazy, big fat, gross monster and find in the end not only do I feel better, I look better and that'sncie to shove in the faces of those you think have rejected you. Yoga and meditation REALLY help with clearing your mind and giving you a self-esteem boost, releasing stress And anyone can do these things, coming from someone who never got her ass off the couch and thought all that **** was new age voodoo ****, I can attest that, ha it actually works and if someone thinks I am a nut for it, so what, I am not as miserable and negative as they are! ha! 6) WRITE, write till your hand falls off. It's a great release and when you go back and read it, a day later or a year later you really see things you wouldn't necessarily see in the day to day rouitnes of life. I am constantly amazed everytime I go back and read things, the insight I gather is priceless.

 

So good luck to you Lishy and I hope you find so much self-love and completetion that when I guy does not respond to you that you barely even aknowledge it, that you have the mentaility of who needs that, I'll just find someone better suited for me!!!

[housebaby]

Nyasa:

 

TOO FUNNY! You really seem to be similar to me.

 

I've read "he's just not that into you"....quirky but true. Makes you realize what you might not see with your "blinders" on.

 

And it's true: after a bad/long relationship we do need to find ourselves...re-connect with everyone (even ourselves). I found that hard at first, but now that it's been 7 years since I ended my 7 year relationship things are so much more in perspective. I know who I am and what I want -- now I just have to find it!

[lindya]

so when is the right time to be nice and then the bitch?

 

The opposite to whatever the guys tell you, Nyasa.

[Mz. Pixie]

so when is the right time to be nice and then the bitch?

 

It's truly a gift Nyasa.

[RecordProducer]

Now remember what aunt RP will tell you, girls!

Guys want a balance between two things:

 

1. Challenge and

2. Make him feel like a god

 

Everything you do has to be a combination of these two. You're the best, you're self-confident, stand up for your attitudes, cherish self-respect, have your own life, and other guys want you (challenge), BUT you think he's the best thing since sliced bread and adore everything about him (make him feel like god).

 

When you don't let him walk over you, it's because you won't put up with whatever he serves you with just to keep him; not because you're a wounded animal that will bite his head off as a last resort. You never use your last resort. Being a bitch is a weakness, not strength! And he needs to see that you're strong and emotionally stable, that what he does doesn't change your mood greatly, that you can control the situation by controlling your behavior.

 

You can achieve a lot by being sweet, but not servile. He needs to know that you're not happy with his crumbs; you need to be treated as a lady. You don't tolerate bad treatment, but you will let him know in a civilized way how you want to be treated.

 

A housewife with a zest for life can be a challenge, just like a super-successful and busy woman can be clingy. What matters is to be a little self-centered and not revolve around him. Love is not only about giving, but also about receiving.

 

But above all, he needs to love you to death!

[d'Arthez]

Guys want a balance between two things

Where is your manhood certificate?

 

Perhaps I belong to a different era, but still.

What I want in a relationship from a girl, is the same as I can bring into the relationship for a girl. Where it otherwise, there is an imbalance in the relationship.

 

Of course, I have my shortcomings and my flaws. Everyone has. I don't like doing this, and she might not like doing that. But with decent conversation and communication skills almost everything can and will work out.

 

About "bitching". I don't mind that at all, especially if I have screwed something up. And yes, I can understand that someone else in the universe beside me, may have had a bad day.

And yes, I am not perfect - occasionally I will get frustrated and make (bad) jokes about things. Laughing is not required then. Telling me that I behave like an idiot is a more effective way of dealing with me.

 

Having an independent life is a must. I need my time alone, and I think almost everyone does. Whether it is to pursue one of my hobbies or passions, or just study and contemplate. You would literaly go insane if you don't have a life of your own. So pursue your hobbies, your passion et cetera.

 

Make him think that you don't NEED him, that you CHOOSE him....and we can change our minds at any time (right girls?)

That is a dangerous position. If he thinks he is not needed, what does the relationship amount to? There is a difference between not needing someone and needing someone all the time.

And if you subsequently chose a guy, I would be even more hesitant - after all what are your ambitions, as I am not needed around anyway?

Of course, anyone can change their mind, anytime. It happens in relationships - but if you want a healthier relationship than one where you are constantly on the emotional guard (and that works in both directions), that is not the wasy to go.