If I wrote it all , it would be multiple novels thick

[Squirly92584]

I really wish I could get some opinions on something. I have been in a relashionship that has been bad for a very very long time. 18 Years. Not until I cheated did the fog lift of my actual reality of my life...

 

I got with my childrens father when I was only 16. He was my first and only real boyfriend. There was drinking, Domestic violence, Sexual abuse, Repeated surviver victimization, His family said the abuse was completely mutual , which only now have I learned the true dynamics of domestic violence because my affair partner and his mother had told me to go to RAVE which was place for domestic violence.

 

My eyes have been opened in ways I can never ever explain... I have multiple sclerosis. I work full time plus excessive amounts of overtime. I manage all the errands, I do all the childrens doctor appointments, wic appointments, he is a hermit, hardly ever leaves the house.

 

I used to do all the house cleaning, mowing of the lawn, shoveling the snow, he is a "stay at home dad" do you know that type? I have only in about the past year learned that being in extremely abuse relashionships can cause someone to develop auto immune diseases. I went through all 3 of my multiple sclerosis relapses along. I didnt even get a phone call when I was hospitalized.

 

I attended my fathers funeral alone. He has never met any of my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. he didnt meet my mom and brother until AFTER I cheated. He refuses to get a drivers Licence. He doesnt have a GED or Diploma. He has never had a job with a application. He sexually coerced me to have anal sex when I was only 2 days post partum with our second child and I had hermeroids from pushing.

 

When his obcession with anal began it was right away when I was only 16. I didn't like it , I never did. He pressured me into it, I thought I was supposed to please him as a woman and did anything he wanted even when I would sometimes be crying from it when he was drunk and it was hard for him to "finish". I feel like he raped me. He knocked my tooth out on what would have been the 4th time to leave him, so when people said to me, dont cheat on him just leave him, well.... thats what happened one of the times I was going to leave,

 

I got my tooth knocked out and had to work with a missing front tooth for a entire month, pregnant with our first child. After he punched my tooth our he got my pregnant within weeks as a grasp to keep me and win me over. His mother is a cat hoarder, for 11 years they made me clean it so he could have alcohol.I didnt see hardly any of my family or friends during that 11 years, I only had the perspective of him and his mother and his family.

 

I did drink it right along with him but I feel like that is environment because... He was a heavy alcoholic when I got with him and I was not... all this stuff happened very very slowly... Like a IV drip, I cannot explain this.

 

I used to think you are always supposed to forgive because I was raised in the church and private schools and this is what I was taught. So now I have this guilt of my cheating, but then some people tell me I have nothing to feel guilty about, and that he betrayed my loyalty first from extreme abuse. Is that minimizing it? I dont know , on 1 hand it feels like it is, on the other it doesnt.

 

My feelings are so All over the place I cannot even began to explain this. My affair partner told me that all of what was done to me was wrong and I deserve better, which is true I think. I have pictures and videos of proof of the abuse, I watched and looked at some of them recently and I cant believe what I see.

 

I think I may have stockholm syndrome because... I got to a point where he would abuse me and I would always instinctually brush it off or I thought it was normal. I feel like cheating in a way... Saved my life... Is this narcissistic to think this??? then I start to wonder things like, am I a narcissist? is he a narcissist? am I a abuser as well because I cheated and cheating is abuse ???

 

I am almost certain I have PTSD because I cannot stop thinking about domestic violence and I'm in constant anxiety sometimes for 10 hours at a time.I'm so tired. My head flips around like this multiple multiple times a day, is this cognitive dissonance? Have I never been loved? was it my entire life a lie like my affair partner told me?? Is it really only trauma bonding that I have with my childrens father? I feel afraid of him. He pointed a gun at me discovery day of the affair and punched holes through 2 layers of drywall that went all the way though and through the mirror.

 

I have been ripped apart and attacked for breaking the silence of my abuse... They told me I destroyed his reputation. But didnt he destroy his own reputation? he told me I destroyed my reputation by cheating on him. I think thats true but a lot of times I have began to stop caring what people think because of how long I have been living this nightmare.

 

I think I figered out what his family is and I believe it is a narcissistic family because its very cult like. Before I cheated, I had no backbone, I would never say no. People told me I was to nice. Now I am a completely different person and I stick up for myself and I am the bad guy. Does this post look like I am making myself the victim?

 

Am I a victim? is he a victim of my cheating ? is it bad for me to say I truely feel he drove me to do it???I watched a video of a woman who is a expert on infidelity and there was 1 profound statement she said at the end of the video that has messed with my head... She said sometimes the victim of a affair is not always the victim of the marriage.

 

The ones who I feel are hurting the most from this are my children, I see all of this has effected my oldest especially... he is only 6, it is tearing me apart. I wish I had a book with answers on what is the right thing to do. I feel like I need to get out, then I feel like it will destroy my children. His mother was beaten and raped and assulted by his father, he repeated it to me. I am SO CONFUSED. I stopped going to counseling because he told me domestic violence is fake counseling. His sister which was a advocate for women for violence said ya free counseling isnt usually very good. I feel incredible amounts of guilt and but then I have so much rage for what I have tolerated for so many years I cannot even begin to explain. Is this me again painting him to be a horrible person to try and justify what I did???

Edited July 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[schlumpy]

I think I figered out what his family is and I believe it is a narcissistic family because its very cult like. Before I cheated, I had no backbone, I would never say no. People told me I was to nice. Now I am a completely different person and I stick up for myself and I am the bad guy. Does this post look like I am making myself the victim?

 

The ones who I feel are hurting the most from this are my children, I see all of this has effected my oldest especially... he is only 6, it is tearing me apart. I wish I had a book with answers on what is the right thing to do. I feel like I need to get out, then I feel like it will destroy my children. His mother was beaten and raped and assulted by his father, he repeated it to me. I am SO CONFUSED. I stopped going to counseling because he told me domestic violence is fake counseling. His sister which was a advocate for women for violence said ya free counseling isnt usually very good. I feel incredible amounts of guilt and but then I have so much rage for what I have tolerated for so many years I cannot even begin to explain. Is this me again painting him to be a horrible person to try and justify what I did???

 

Are you making yourself a victim? Yes, pretty much but that doesn't mean you haven't been victimized. I would say it's impossible to live a life without someone slipping a knife in you at some point.

 

You have quite a history. It seems like whenever you had a choice you chose the wrong one. In fact you would have had a better life if you had flipped a coin on each decision rather than use your own decision making faculties.

 

I would like to express my sympathies on your diagnosis of MS. My wife has the same problem and I've watched dwindle over the years till now it's an effort for her to get back and forth to the bathroom. You are going to need a very good support system in the future and it looks like no one will care about that but you. You should already be on a drug like Copaxane.

 

Instead of giving your affair the credit for your renewed self worth I would say its life experience and growing older that has been influence. The affair was actually another bad decision you made.

 

It's obvious you have read books by psychologists and talked with counselors. There is too much self diagnosis that is allowing you to avoid taking the steps to improve your terrible situation.

 

There's no way you can fix everything overnight. The books you are reading do not have the answers. Many times they don't agree with one another. That's why psychology is a soft science. It's a bit like going to a chiropractor for your MS. You will have to take charge and improve your situation item by item and count on a time frame of years.

 

One thing you can do to restore some of your dignity is to cut off your AP, file for divorce and resume you relationship with AP after you sign the papers. Of course AP's are fairly famous for loving the sex without responsibility and when faced with the mundane domestic duties of real life pulling a fade. So don't be surprised if that happens.

 

You will have to get counseling but not the type that makes you comfortable with your bad decisions. You need the type that will modify your behavior so that the decisions you make are in your best interest and of your children.

 

That's all I've got except to offer you my good will and express hope that you will find your life improved in the future.

 

 

Best Wishes

[Squirly92584]

I had counseling 5 sessions with a phycologist, she was somewhat leaning towards something called CPTSD but I need to go back to a actual phychiatrist for a diagnosis. I plan to do this in October when I change my health insurance at work. He said that my childrens father is the one who brain washed me, and other people have been telling this to me to. Its just very scary to have my mind all over the place like this.... I have read over 3000 hours I would estimate now of stuff online... Videos, books, articles , etc.

[Rayce]

I come from an extreme background in violence so I can relate to your story on many levels. The thing that helped me the most was doing volunteer work for one of our local woman's shelter. It took me years to get up the courage to flee two states with teenagers to escape a lifetime of violence. I didn't know what to do so I started out wanting to help on the crisis lines. I joined up for their 6 week program and became a domestic violence advocate. During that process I learned a lot and I never did man any crisis lines. That was just too close to my own situation so instead I helped out booths at social public gatherings handing out information and talking with people.

 

If there is one in your area they can help you with a lot of stuff. It's all confidential so no need to worry about contacting such an organization.

 

 

Good luck

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel incredible amounts of guilt and but then I have so much rage for what I have tolerated for so many years I cannot even begin to explain. Is this me again painting him to be a horrible person to try and justify what I did???

 

Your situation is beyond the scope of an online forum like this where the posters are laypersons like myself.

 

Different people will react to different aspects of your history. You were abused. You cheated on your marriage. You suffered domestic violence. You stayed way too long in a terrible marriage. Your kids have seen all this happen.

 

My only advice - quit listening to people like your H and SIL and get back into counseling ASAP to get clarity as to your choices. It would seem you're at a critical juncture in your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Flame Aura]

Sad story, I just can't believe you let it happen for so long and allowed his behaviour to continue without leaving him a LONG time ago.

 

 

And why have children with him... did you not use any protection...

 

 

Agree with the post above you have made a lot of wrong decisions that a mentally well person would simply not have made.

 

 

You need professional mental help.

[mark clemson]

Agreeing with Mr. Lucky that you should probably seek professional help for your situation.

 

In a situation like yours, one genuinely skilled, knowledgeable therapist or social worker who genuinely cares about you, knows the law and local resources, and can come up with a solid plan of action could be worth 100 online posters all pulling you in slightly different directions. Hope you are able to find this.

[Rayce]

Sad story, I just can't believe you let it happen for so long and allowed his behaviour to continue without leaving him a LONG time ago.

 

That is typical of behavior of domestic violence cycle... especially if one is born into it. It becomes hard to know what crosses the line and what doesn't. Leaving an abusive situation is extremely difficult and the most dangerous. If a guy is willing to knock her teeth out what do you think he will do next?

[SpiceCat]

The posters here can provide support, though be warned that you will also likely receive tough love..I hope you are mentally prepared for that. But your issues go well beyond the scope of an internet forum. Please, please seek professional help. For your sake and your children's.

[pepperbird]

op,

Is there any way you can connect with a shelter in your area so you can get some immediate help?

 

 

If so, please call (or text) their number. They can help you and your kids and even your pets find alternative living arrangements while you figure out what your next steps are.

[Squirly92584]

op,

Is there any way you can connect with a shelter in your area so you can get some immediate help?

 

 

If so, please call (or text) their number. They can help you and your kids and even your pets find alternative living arrangements while you figure out what your next steps are.

 

 

 

 

I went to one easter weekend this year, His sister helped pull me back in... She said I was kidnapping my children and that within 24 hours it was a crime. I took my kids to see him on easter day, I hated the tears from my children also, they made me feel like I was a bad mom for going there... its very complicated. there are so many messed up dynamics to this entire situation i cannot even begin to explain it, I've been coming out of the fog since Oct 2017 and what I can now see absolutely horrify's and scares me beyond words. I could not see any of this till I had my affair. Is that messed up to say or think this way??? None of his family or him ever said a word. I was conditioned my entire adult life. I describe it like a IV drip, very slow. I read this article last year and almost vomited because I felt like I was reading my life.

 

 

I found some of it ill copy paste it here:

 

 

 

From Death of Soul to Death of Body

 

 

Soul murder victims all too often carry the secret of the abuse to their graves, unable to articulate or receive legal or psychological validation they sadly frequently take their own lives by suicide. Some victims may not even want to kill themselves intentionally but rather desperately seek to escape through drugs/alcohol and end in accidental death.

 

Others may not turn to substance abuse at all, but may end up suffering chronic medical issues from the relentless stress, which will lead to their physical death. Stress is a proven cause of a myriad of health problems, such as stroke and heart attack, many of which can be fatal even if one happens to escape their abuser.

 

The end result is either death by suicide or death by stress. This type of abuse is the gift from hell that keeps on giving because even in the best of situations the victim will be riddled with permanent health issues created by the stress.

 

 

Speaking About the Unspeakable

 

Suicide is such a taboo topic especially speaking about it after the deed has been done. It is almost sacrilegious to point a finger at another human being after the suicide of a loved one and say, “this happened because of you!” and then hold that person accountable for their actions that ultimately pushed another person off of a cliff.

 

We think to ourselves “what if I’m wrong about this?” “What if they were just clinically depressed or had a chemical imbalance?”. We bite our tongues because we know the guilt we might induce in the person we are pointing our own fingers at. We wouldn’t wish that guilt on anyone. This is a normal empathetic reaction that stops us from pursuing the issue any further.

 

We are unable to wrap our minds around the fact that these predators do not share in our empathy and compassion. They enjoyed what they did. The worst part of all? They will NEVER feel guilty or any remorse for murdering someone but rather proud of themselves for being so crafty and skillful as to manipulate a person into their own grave.

 

In life and in death there is little justice or accountability to be had for these spiritual cannibals. The sick part is that as a society we watch this form of murder happen and many times turn a blind eye to it. When our souls are murdered the very core of our being is chiseled away into almost nothing and we are left there not even realizing that we don’t have depression due to some act of nature but rather an ongoing psychological warfare inflicted by another human being. We are told to “grow some balls” or “put on our big girl panties” instead.

 

 

I slowly started to break my silence of the abuse in 2012. I told all of it to my affair partner. My affair started June 2017.A lot of my coworkers know of the extreme abuse. My abuser and his family told me that I ruined his reputation. But this is now where my mind starts to mess with me... How did I ruin his reputation if it is all true??? I am not making any of it up. I have pictures and videos of abuse. I have friends who remember when I used to leave him in the beginning before I became so numb and weak to it all.

[Squirly92584]

I never married him , he wanted to marry me after my affair... He got a driving permit and asked me if I would now marry him. He left it expire. I was blamed for that by his mother, she said the stress of my affair is why he couldnt concentrate and get his driver's licence. He got another permit. He let that one expire as well. I was told by his mother that is because it was a rough winter. He is a 36 year old man. Why does his mother Coddle him so profusely? His sister does it as well. Says he doesnt go to therapy and is a hermit because of fear. There are ALWAYS excuses for him and none for me, everything always has to be so hard and severely unbalanced.

[Rayce]

I went to one easter weekend this year, His sister helped pull me back in... She said I was kidnapping my children and that within 24 hours it was a crime.

 

Unless there is a court order that says otherwise his sister is lying to you. Please reconsider and contact them without the knowledge of anyone else. Trust the process... they will help you if that is what you really want. I wish you peace.

[anika99]

OP where is your family? Do you have relationships with your mom, siblings or extended family? How do they feel about your situation? Are they supportive of you?

 

Your children are being raised in a very abusive and toxic home and you have to save them. They are being abused by what they are witnessing. I'm not going to judge you for your affair, I'm sure it was a nice escape for you, a reprieve from the daily misery of your home life, but while you were escaping into an affair your children had no escape, they had no reprieve and in the long run the affair only invited more abuse and violence into their young lives.

 

In a perfect world your children would be raised by a loving mom and dad and they would only see love and respect in their home, but sadly that is not an option for your kids. They can be raised by a single mom or they can be raised by their mom and dad and endure years of abuse and dysfunction. Raising your kids alone is a hundred times better for them. I understand that your children don't behave as if they want to leave but that's because your oldest is only six and doesn't know better. He doesn't know what is in his best interest and sadly he doesn't even know that his home life is abusive. This toxicity is normal to him because it's all he has ever known. That is heartbreaking.

 

Now I'm not saying you should go off half cocked and do something foolish. Men like your SO can become very violent when you try to leave. You have to be aware of that and have a strong plan. You have to know your legal rights too. Counseling and reflecting is great but I feel like you also need real active help. The kind of help that involves taking action. Start by talking to your local women's shelter again. They can direct you on what steps you can take and help you access other resources.