Author Juggernut23 Posted August 9, 2019 Author Posted August 9, 2019 Hey folks. Long story short..been dating this girl for a few weeks. Kind of a confusing situation, she left her bf for me (that she was living and comfortable with) so had nowhere to stay. I asked her to stay with me until she finds a a place of her own. I pay for all the bills, which doesn’t bother me too much since it’s my house and I invited her. Some things that do bother me: -I pay for all the groceries, all the time, for both of us -I pay for all outings (dinner, other outings) -I cleared out 3/4 of my closet space and spare rooms to make up for her stuff. So something tells me she plans on staying a while. It doesn’t so much bother me that I’m paying for all this, rather that she’s ok with it. I can’t find it in myself to ask a girl to split or pay up, but I do feel like I’m being taken advantage of to a degree. She does pay for little things every once in a while..like booster juice or coffee. But I’m making 95% of payments. I never ask her to pay for much but I feel like it’s a generally courteous thing to offer if you’ve moved in with someone? Thoughts?
smackie9 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) Looks like you inherited a GF that expects the man to take care of the woman. I think you should send her back to her ex.....it's not working out. next time you help out a girl, say 'I'll help you look for a place." "beer and pizza will be OK for payment for moving your stuff." Edited August 9, 2019 by smackie9 2
Marc878 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 Nice soft place for her to land. If she dumped her BF for you the potential is there for her to do the same to you. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 If you can be living with a woman and she can be living with you, you can have an adult conversation about expectations. You are being inside your own head and expecting her to know that you were expecting her to pick up some of the costs. She is an adult and she should be expected to cover somethings while she is there. You can enable her and continue to be her sugar daddy or you can have a talk with her in a non-confrontational way. Beyond that, this is the key phrase in your post: "until she finds a a place of her own". If you continue to make her life cushy, her motivation for doing the above will be limited at best. You are two grown adults -- communicate. The fact that she doesn't offer may indicate that her parents did a crappy job of raising her and if you want to be her boyfriend, you may find that you will have more of a parent-child relationship than and boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and you might want to consider sending her home to live with her parents until she finds a place of her own and so that they can finish the job they started and was failing at apparently. 1
kendahke Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 I asked her to stay with me until she finds a a place of her own. I pay for all the bills, which doesn’t bother me too much since it’s my house and I invited her. Thoughts? #1: Stop lying to yourself: it does bother you, else this thread wouldn't be here. It's time to quit being the "silent irate" and ask her for some monetary help--or to do something that demonstrates her willingness to compensate you, since it's a big deal to you and you're expecting her to read your mind. When you invited her, did you tell her "I think $350 would be good to help cover expenses til you get your own place" or give her any indication you expected recompense? Because as it looks, you extended an invitation to her to stay at your place for free for an undetermined amount of time when she could have just as easily stayed with family or a girlfriend and her not paying you wouldn't have been an issue. It's not occurring to her that she needs to be forking over money, so you're going to have to point that out to her---and yes, she may get mad---mad enough to go find her ex, but that's going to have to be the chance you take to stand in your truth and speak it. 2
Beendaredonedat Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 Is she working? If she is then talk to her about what you expect her to contribute to. If you don't, then she will be able to leave you with a lot of money saved up from living scott free. ... She doesn't sound like a mature adult so anything is possible when you're dealing with an irresponsible teen type. A mature adult woman would be asking you what she can contribute to help with the monthly finances. 1
Kitty Tantrum Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 It is very natural for a woman to expect the man who has sexual access to her body to take care of her and provide for her. The modern 50/50 or income-adjusted split is part and parcel of a social construct that not every woman buys into. YOU need to lay out your expectations, and not count on every woman to be a staunch practicing feminist by default. 1
Beendaredonedat Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 It is very natural for a woman to expect the man who has sexual access to her body to take care of her and provide for her. What? Like a prostitute you mean? The modern 50/50 or income-adjusted split is part and parcel of a social construct that not every woman buys into. Especially those that use sex as a bartering tool, I suppose. YOU need to lay out your expectations, and not count on every woman to be a staunch practicing feminist by default.one doesn't have to be "staunch" about anything. It's a matter of fairness IF the girlfriend acctually works. If she doesn't then I don't know how he would expect her to contribute so why would he be asking? 3
Normm Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 It is very natural for a woman to expect the man who has sexual access to her body to take care of her and provide for her. . That's just silly nonsense right there. That sexual access thing works both ways. She gets my penis then she gets the check when it's her turn. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) You offered her all that on a silver platter. You LET her monkey branch from him to you; heck you probably encouraged it. You never had a conversation with her about your expectations. You just moved her into to play house with you after a few WEEKS of knowing you. She is taking this for exactly what it is -- a quid pro quo: you pay & she puts out. Think about what a bad idea it was to allow her to move in. You weren't thinking strategically when you allowed this to happen. You just wanted to be her White Knight, the guy who rescued her from her other relationship. this is where you are. You made this mess. Don't blame her. She just took what was offered & will continue to do so because you make it easy. If she had any integrity or work ethic she would have slept on your couch, cleaned, cooked & been outta there in under a week. She probably thinks this is all fine & dandy because from where I sit this is how her world works: men provide financial resources & she provides shall we say, "comfort". Now you have to find a way to talk about this situation. Had you talked & say dated conventionally for a reasonable period of time -- like a year -- you wouldn't be in in the predicament. If you want her to contribute or move out, speak up. She's gonna freak & tell you how unfair & awful you are. Sorry. Can't resist but I told you so. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/687394-girl-says-she-will-leave-her-boyfriend-me-thoughts When you originally posted you were warned that she was going to bleed you dry but you moved her in anyway. Edited August 9, 2019 by d0nnivain 4
MetallicHue Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 Like d0nni said you set yourself up for this. There’s the saying you made your bed now lie in it. Regardless just talk to her but be prepared she may go somewhere else where everything is free. 1
preraph Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 You went 0-60 and she's apparently fine with it, so it's up to you to man up and tell her, Okay, it's been a fun few weeks, but now we need to sit down and figure out where you're going to live because obviously, this was not a permanent situation. 2
Kitty Tantrum Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 What? Like a prostitute you mean? Especially those that use sex as a bartering tool, I suppose. Oh, please. It's a normal and natural expectation based on ages and ages of human adaptation to the realities of sexual consequence (pregnancy, reproduction, child-rearing). Yes, it is natural for women to view their sexual partners as providers. A generation or two of widespread access to birth control and gender equality isn't enough to change that (although we certainly could see stronger movement in that direction in the future, I'll give you that). We have a SOCIAL STRUCTURE which dictates that this SHOULD NOT be normal - but that mindset is something which for many women requires a degree of conditioning to adapt to, and not all women receive such conditioning. Regardless of what you think is "right" - it is NOT A SAFE OR WISE DECISION to assume that another person is on the same page with you RE: relationship roles. If you leave things up in the air and don't actually talk about them because you've just assumed that this other person will naturally settle into a role that SUITS YOU, then the consequences are kinda yours to deal with. That's what I'm getting at. Even if I agreed with you that there's something wrong with the "man provides" model, I would still maintain that it's absurdly foolhardy to jump into living with a partner just banking on the fact that they'll see it your way even though you didn't talk about it beforehand. 1
Tamfana Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 she left her bf for me (that she was living and comfortable with) so had nowhere to stay. I asked her to stay with me until she finds a a place of her own. .. I'd view this having a guest in your home. Has she been looking for a place to move to? I'd focus on that, maybe go apartment hunting together this weekend.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 The only confusion here is that you are under the misunderstanding (you're not alone--I certain was) that being super nice to someone will lead to them responding in equal proportion. No! No! No! You're being overly "nice" and expecting her to go out of her way to be equally "nice." "Nice" is not the same thing as generous. Example of nice. You emptied 3/4 of your closets ... No ... super generous would be moving a third your clothes with the loud, explicit, announced understanding that this is temporary. "I can temporarily give you this space." BTW: it's not your job to provide her a place to live. What's up with that? You want to date someone who can find their own place to live. But you're way over-compromising ... assuming good intentions ... and you're being robbed blind in a one-side relationship. I'm sorry ... you can expect other people to be as "nice" as you are. Clearly this woman is not your type. She has even offered to pay for anything? That's nuts. You have to dump her ... and soon. On the other hand, it's time for you to step up ... I had to learn this ... you do small acts of generosity in starting a relationship ... and then wait, pause, for the other person to match ... Yeah, it can get uneven for some periods but not for long. This woman isn't offering anything. You're giving all. And the most painful truth of all: all this spending and sacrificing and giving her space ... I guarantee you she will think nothing of dumping you. One of the first things I wanna test for in dating someone is are they matching my giving. If they're not, game over. You could run an experiment here. If you don't say anything, guarantee she will NEVER offer to pay for anything. 2
Gretchen12 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) I think the problem is you did not agree to move in together. This is supposed to be temporary. Moving in together is a big decision. I don't think that's what you wanted. Even if she pays half of everything, she still needs to move out soon. And if it is temporary, a month or two, I would just pay for everything as she would be my guest. If she starts paying, she becomes legitimately residing there. I wouldn't want that. I also think when you said you feel taken advantage of, it isn't just about the money. You don't feel she values you in the relationship and that's why you feel she may be using you. Edited August 9, 2019 by Gretchen12
Normm Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 It's really bad judgement to allow a person you've known only a few weeks to move in with you. It shows that you are impulsive and make questionable decisions without proper planning and forethought and this can cost you in many ways in your life. But that's not answering your question. I'll answer it with an example of what happened to me some years ago when I was dating around in between relationships. Met a hot redheaded chick and we went out a half dozen times or so over the course of a few weeks. She didn't offer to pay once, and at first it didn't bother me all that much but by around date #6 I said "when is it your turn to pay?". Her response was "I'm a good old fashioned girl". At which point I said "well then it's going to be McDonalds going forward for dinner", knowing full well it was going to be the last conversation I was ever going to have with this parasitic leech that probably advocates women's rights while forgetting how to remove her purse from her pocket after a nice meal. That's what you should have done but instead you invite her to live with you and here you are, well after the fact asking what should you do. Cut your losses and show her the door. But I suspect you will do no such thing. 1
Blind-Sided Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 It is very natural for a woman to expect the man who has sexual access to her body to take care of her and provide for her. The modern 50/50 or income-adjusted split is part and parcel of a social construct that not every woman buys into................. WOW... that is wrong on so many levels, its not even funny. That basically makes that person a prostitute. Anyway... to the OP... it bothers you, then just say something. If she gets mad and leaves... then the money is the only thing she really wanted, and you don't want to find out how bad it can get when it's 4/5/6 years down the road. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 (edited) It is very natural for a woman to expect the man who has sexual access to her body to take care of her and provide for her. The modern 50/50 or income-adjusted split is part and parcel of a social construct that not every woman buys into. YOU need to lay out your expectations, and not count on every woman to be a staunch practicing feminist by default. Oh holy cow, did I just read that . . .?! This is not about feminism or . . . prostitution. However, they just met. He's not bright for having her stay with him to start with on top of not communicating expectations and she's seems to be lacking in some social graces and/or perhaps not really understanding the "arrangement" because of his lack of communication. Edited August 10, 2019 by Redhead14 1
Alamo657 Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 WOW... that is wrong on so many levels, its not even funny. That basically makes that person a prostitute. Altho some women are obviously gold diggers, many other consciously and seemingly embrace equality, but unconsciously expect their man to "provide" more than they do and are disappointed when they don't. It's more of a genetically engrained behaviour than prostitution.
Redhead14 Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 Altho some women are obviously gold diggers, many other consciously and seemingly embrace equality, but unconsciously expect their man to "provide" more than they do and are disappointed when they don't. It's more of a genetically engrained behaviour than prostitution. Even if that's true, these two aren't even remotely close to being at a point where he would be "expected" to provide for her. They are virtual strangers not on a path to building a future, a home, a family together. That may be the point where that kind of thinking could come into play and that would also be another conversation about expectations between partners, etc. Most women, who are not gold diggers/users with an ounce of self-respect and social intelligence would not accept this situation anyway. Living with a man she barely knows???? Paleeze. 1
FMW Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 Talk to her. Make it clear that you see her living with you as a very short term and temporary situation and give her a deadline OR tell her she needs to contribute financially and agree to what that contribution will be. Personally I don't think you should have had to bring it up with her, I'm always astounded at women who expect men to take care of them financially. Unless and until a woman is staying home to take care of the children she and her partner share then both partners should be contributing 50/50 or at least in what they determine jointly to be a fair split. Health problems arising after the marriage/partnership is established would of course be an exception. 1
Happy Lemming Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 It's really bad judgement to allow a person you've known only a few weeks to move in with you. Cut your losses and show her the door. Yes, this is a mistake that all guys make and we have to learn this lesson the hard way. Very soon, she'll start lying to you about all manner of things... mark my words. You now have the proverbial "albatross around your neck". In my youth, I took in a girlfriend who needed a place to stay for a "few weeks" until she could find a new apartment. A "few weeks" turned into 8 months of hell and it was VERY difficult to get her out, as she had "established residency" at my apartment. I never made that mistake again!! I'll help a girlfriend look for a new apartment, and I will move her stuff to that new apartment, but there is NO WAY she is staying at my place. (temporarily or otherwise)
Versacehottie Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 Surprise, surprise. I'm being sarcastic. I knew the moment i read the OP on this thread that it was the story that donnvin linked in her post. (BTW, you really should put the whole thread together to get accurate and helpful responses). Um, almost everyone (everyone?!) gave you strong warnings before against her and since you ignored, I'm just not surprised at all you are in this situation, which is just the beginning of her using you, taking you for granted and perhaps just a bit before she will cheat on you with some other guy. Sorry this is a bed of your own making--guess you will just have to lie in it. Here's an idea: try not to pay for some of her stuff and see what happens. I think it will make things really clear for you.
Beendaredonedat Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 (edited) Oh, please. It's a normal and natural expectation based on ages and ages of human adaptation to the realities of sexual consequence (pregnancy, reproduction, child-rearing). We are not living in the "he hunts, I gather berries and nurture the children" ages any longer. It's no longer "normal or natural" expectation for anyone who isn't a gold digger or intellectually challenged and unable to contribute. Yes, it is natural for women to view their sexual partners as providers. A generation or two of widespread access to birth control and gender equality isn't enough to change that (although we certainly could see stronger movement in that direction in the future, I'll give you that). We have a SOCIAL STRUCTURE which dictates that this SHOULD NOT be normal - but that mindset is something which for many women requires a degree of conditioning to adapt to, and not all women receive such conditioning. Once again. We are no longer living in the "He hunts, She stays back and gathers berries while nurturing the children." It's called evolving. Regardless of what you think is "right" - Or you for that matter, yes? it is NOT A SAFE OR WISE DECISION to assume that another person is on the same page with you RE: relationship roles. That would go both ways... and no one is arguing that they should assume anything. Communication is the key to maintaining any successful relationship. If you leave things up in the air and don't actually talk about them because you've just assumed that this other person will naturally settle into a role that SUITS YOU, then the consequences are kinda yours to deal with. That's what I'm getting at. Then why not just say THAT? Even if I agreed with you that there's something wrong with the "man provides" model, I would still maintain that it's absurdly foolhardy to jump into living with a partner just banking on the fact that they'll see it your way even though you didn't talk about it beforehand. No one is arguing the bold. Edited August 10, 2019 by Beendaredonedat
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