cranium Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 MW and I are rebuilding our relationship following her A. Our sex life and our ability to discuss what sex means to each of us, our sexual needs and desires has always been a difficult topic (primarily for her). After years of trying to discuss, convey, etc... I allowed her sexual indifference push me away. I harbored resentment and became less concerned with fulfilling her ENs since she paid what I felt was little to no attention to mine. Once our son was born, he became the sole recipient of her affection. I felt as if I was kept around for utilitarian purposes and we basically were becoming roommates. Then, her A. I need sex as well as non-sexual physical intimacy frequently. I consider sex and physical contact an important part of an enduring long-term committed relationship. I want an enthusiastic, actively participating partner. I've asked MW what sex means to her in the context of a life-long committed relationship. She is still thinking it over. To her, sex is definitely not as important. She has said she enjoys it most of the time, but feels it is her duty or obligation - like she is just a receptacle. She clarified that I don't make her feel this way; that I have always been an unselfish lover, but that this is a back-drop in her mind as how she views sex. Doesn't make me feel very desired or cherished. I have placed emphasis on her initiating more, but I think the issue is more of her participating and/or reciprocating. She has her way of signaling when it is okay for me to initiate, but I feel she is then detached. Should I have to take her hands and physically place them on my body? Never any oral for daddy? I want to feel desired. Sexually objectify me sometimes. She would always become defensive whenever I wanted to discuss our sex life and that is why I eventually dropped it. Now, after her A, I want this issue resolved. She isn't comfortable discussing this with our MC. She has some experiences from her past that I know play a part, but she won’t discuss with me either. I don’t know if she was molested or something happened with a family member or what. Just feel like I’m paying the price. Any pointers? LB? Ladyjane?
Jayhawks Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 What was the purpose of her A? A's are usually sexual in nature so since she is not into sex ( at least with you ) why the A? If she will not discuss her issues with you or your MC I don't see how there can be a resolution. You have to open up and be willing to find an answer to move ahead. It seems like a lonely road ahead for you.
Author cranium Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 Here's my story - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57566/ Her primary ENs are admiration, conversation and affection. Once I withdrew from fulfilling those, she felt lonely and OM was happy to step in. Her A started out like many as an EA; became a PA over time. She was vulnerable and he took advantage.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Jayhawk- Ummm, no most affairs are not sexual in nature, especially for women. As someone who was married for 13 years before having an A, I can tell you that mine was certainly not about sex. It was about the fact that the OM met a need of mine that I hadn't had met in a long time. I would tell her that we still needed to talk about it, because it's important to you and the relationship. I understand she's uncomfortable talking about this, but if she won't talk to you and she won't talk to the MC what does she plan to do about it?? Would she talk to a close female friend or relative? I wish more women would understand how much their husbands need to feel sexual desire from them..... it's sad really. I know you've tried really hard to make this work.
trixiegirl Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I too was much like your wife for a long time. I even accused my husband of being the cause of me feeling like that... It was a result of both familial molestation and I was once (can't call it gang raped---but about 6 - 10 guys held me down and used their hands). I am 35 now and that happened when I was 12. Long story short. My (now ex) husband could do nothing right. I want to tell him now that none of it was his fault. It sounds like you have tried being a loving partner-- I guess if I had advice- its that she has to want to work it out and trust you. It is easier to have "non-committal" relations than to have emotionally exposed love making. I know it doesn't make sense. I never cheated on my husband, and my feelings were not the cause of our breakup, but I found someone whom I don't feel judged by and for the first time in my life have actually experienced an O. There were little things he did (the ex) that made me feel that he didn't really care. Try to pay attention to where you touch her. I understand it is hard for you. If you want it to work and she wants it to work, it can and those problems can be worked out. I think you are right by trying to address what it means to both of you. You obviously understand that if you meet her needs and she meets yours neither of you have to be selfish. I wish you luck and admire you for caring enough to seek help.
Topper Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Cranium I was very much in your situation. My Ex over time became very non-sexual. I can't even recall one time in nearly 10 years that she made any attempt to make me feel wanted sexually. Things got to the point that i felt like I was some sort of pervert for wanting and needing a sexual relationship with the woman that I loved. Like You I felt I was there to do the handy work around the house. Pay the bills and that was about it. I did try to make things better. I did try and get her to open up. I Know how hurt you must feel how alone and worthless asa man. It is not any easy place to be. If you still love her Then demand she talk to someone. My marriage ended in divorce. Sex was just one of a along list of problems we had. It really isa sad situation I hope you can work things out. The truth is divorce might be the best thing for you.
Sheba Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 If your wife won't speak with your marriage counsellor, perhaps she needs to see a counsellor individually to help her resolve her issues. Maybe she is suffering so much from her past that she needs privacy to discuss it.
tablesalt Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Hello, sounds like your having a rough time i'm really not one to talk because I'm not a bit different than your wife other than I've never had a affair at this point in my marriage 13 years btw. But I'm one who will not start things sexual with my H he is always the one shot down and he is always the one to try. Why? you ask well this is all I know my H don't take the time to feel me and I don;t mean touching but feelings! he don't get that I can not work all day take care of kids and house Supper ect. And be rareing to to go at bedtime it's the futherest thing from my mind. You know if men would just get the fact that sex or love making is not all about intercourse and more about the emotions, sensations than they would more than likely get it more. We females well most of us feel the same we want to feel that closeness feeling. and then comes love:love:
ThumbingMyWay Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I am in the same type of boat as you Cranium... My wifes A was an E which evolved into a P......with an x y z....LOL... anyway...I am having the same type of issues. I want to be desired as a MAN too....I want to be wanted, not out of obligation, but because she WANTS me sexually. Sometimes I feel like I am just this male in the house....sometimes a father, sometimes a husband, sometimes a repair man, sometimes a bank.....what i want is to be a MAN and to be needed as a MAN. And that is the reason why men cheat....they want to be wanted SEXUALLY as a man....and when they dont get that from W...they go to OW My sex life is good when its happening. But when its not, its like I cant do anything about it. I basically gave up initiating, cause i get shot down everytime....and I am sick of the rejection. So i just sit and wait for her....but she is sitting and waiting for me. She has siad, she wants me to pursue her to make the moves to take her.....but when I am in the mood and i do take the lead...I get shot down....very confusing.....she wants me to...but when i do, she doesnt. Which leads me to say....ya know....you just let me know when you want it...and I will be here.... But that is not satisfing for me.....its like I am only good enough when she wants to make love.....but when i want to....its excuses. Very frustrating for me.....makes me think she is not sexually into me and when she does give in, it feels like shes just doing it to get me to back off...and that IS NOT cool with me....totally turns me off..... we are working on this issue..but its draining me....its just a cirlce....I just wish we were on the same page sexually.
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