max3732 Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 One of the women I've been messaging on Match agreed to meet in person and then I suggested a time and place and she said yes. Then the morning before I sent her a message to confirm and she said her car wasn't working right and asked if we could meet next week. I asked about the same time and place next week and she never responded. A few days later I told her I would be traveling, but would like to see her before I left and if I meet her somewhere closet to her and no response. So should just invite her again when I get back or say anything else? I don't know why she'd get into a nice chat with me, agree to meet, and then cancel and not respond anymore. Plus when she cancelled she said she wanted to meet next week.
JEG88 Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Dude, most obvious/likely answer is she met someone else she was more interested in. Move on, don't dwell. 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 She changed her mind and was trying to let you down gently. If she really wanted to meet she'd have Ubered. 3
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Dude, most obvious/likely answer is she met someone else she was more interested in. Move on, don't dwell. This exactly^^^ 1
Author max3732 Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 move on brother That's very disappointing. She was one of the top 3 matches that agreed to meet. There was another one that I was chatting with and the minute I said I'm going to be traveling blocked me. My large number of potential dates is shrinking rapidly
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Even when you say they are one of the best 3 matches, you mean just on "paper" (well digitally). but it means nothing, if they don't feel similarly about you and treat you well and you can't get it going. So if someone is not meeting up with you or dating you normally, then they are the same as all the matches you didn't think were great--worth nothing to you. Just change this mindset because i think it makes it discouraging for you. And basically it's not accurate. If they aren't into you, they can't be the "best". As for this girl, I think she is a flake totally. If she does all the work chasing you, I see no reason you couldn't go out with her--but realistically I don't see that happening. I don't think you should reach out again; you could respond to her but you've done enough.
Author max3732 Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 Even when you say they are one of the best 3 matches, you mean just on "paper" (well digitally). but it means nothing, if they don't feel similarly about you and treat you well and you can't get it going. So if someone is not meeting up with you or dating you normally, then they are the same as all the matches you didn't think were great--worth nothing to you. Just change this mindset because i think it makes it discouraging for you. And basically it's not accurate. If they aren't into you, they can't be the "best". As for this girl, I think she is a flake totally. If she does all the work chasing you, I see no reason you couldn't go out with her--but realistically I don't see that happening. I don't think you should reach out again; you could respond to her but you've done enough. Yes, on "paper" she was one of the best. You're absolutely right you actually have to meet her to see if there is anything in real life. I have some basic criteria of what I want in the person I'm dating/marrying and she and 2 others checked all the boxes. It's just really hard to fine women like that for me. If she just ignored me or closed out the profile right away, fine, she's not interested. What gets me is chatting, acting excited when I suggest meeting (she put a bunch of !!! and emojis) and then cancelling the day of the date where she suggests next week. but then never responds again.
Ami1uwant Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Yes, on "paper" she was one of the best. You're absolutely right you actually have to meet her to see if there is anything in real life. I have some basic criteria of what I want in the person I'm dating/marrying and she and 2 others checked all the boxes. It's just really hard to fine women like that for me. If she just ignored me or closed out the profile right away, fine, she's not interested. What gets me is chatting, acting excited when I suggest meeting (she put a bunch of !!! and emojis) and then cancelling the day of the date where she suggests next week. but then never responds again. This is the norm of online dating Two peop,e start to text set up a date time You aren’t the only ones talking..alaways assume thry are talking to others Between when you set the date and you texting the day off thry coukd have had other dates and found someone better. Thry make a cancel excuse but wants to keep the door open because you might be choice 3 where the have dates with 1 and 2 and see how those go before totally ending it. If those don’t go well you are a fall back plan.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 My large number of potential dates is shrinking rapidly Well, the good news is fresh meat signs up every day. 1
Gretchen12 Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 She could be just doing it as a form of entertainment. I actually think people who are seriously searching online don't waste time chatting and then disappear. Because if they are serious, they will be efficient, and focused in what they do, and they won't say yes when they mean no. This is probably especially true for women who get swamped by messages. You don't even know if the picture you see is really her (him?!)
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Yes, on "paper" she was one of the best. You're absolutely right you actually have to meet her to see if there is anything in real life. I have some basic criteria of what I want in the person I'm dating/marrying and she and 2 others checked all the boxes. It's just really hard to fine women like that for me. If she just ignored me or closed out the profile right away, fine, she's not interested. What gets me is chatting, acting excited when I suggest meeting (she put a bunch of !!! and emojis) and then cancelling the day of the date where she suggests next week. but then never responds again. We somewhat agree. I would say though that if a girl is not willing to meet or jerks you around, you can "see" that she is not right for you without meeting her. Such as this one. I wholeheartedly believe that when someone is excited about you and ready/open to truly dating they won't do what she has done, i.e. flake twice. If they do what she has done, without really knowing she has to make it up to you with an offer immediately of when and where to set a time to meet, she's probably not serious--either about dating altogether (has other priorities or people) or dating you (you are lower on her priorities of people she can get motivated about). Don't take it personally. It shouldn't be that hard to convince someone. Ok, two last bits of advice: I think you need to relax what you "see" on paper and allow some room for chemistry. You slightly in danger of being like the stereotype girls have where you sound like you have a checklist mentality. I also think this plays into the nerves you have on a date and stiffness. If you've decided already that someone is "right" for you based on what they say in a profile, you are already giving them too much credit and putting too much pressure on yourself (which I'll bet you already do that anyway). Why not try to just connect based on whether you think someone is attractive in general and they meet a threshold of what you'd like to see on paper. Keep it simpler. You could definitely use dating practice so if you take them on affordable dates I think it could be great for you to walk into a date feeling like you have the upper hand a bit or at least a truly "i don't know what will happen here; i'm open". I think both of those things will serve you. Lastly just going to be real since you seem to struggle at the beginning of dating and mostly use online. Do you think you look as good as you can? Present as well as you can? I feel like these girls are discounting you BEFORE you even meet--I think, as shallow as that may be, it often relates back to how physically attractive a person finds another person and what they think is in it for them and how attractive you are to others on the whole. 1
Inspire Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 So should just invite her again when I get back or say anything else? I don't know why she'd get into a nice chat with me, agree to meet, and then cancel and not respond anymore. Plus when she cancelled she said she wanted to meet next week. No, you shouldn't invite her again. The ball was in her court, she cancelled and if she had any interest in actually meeting she would have responded. She probably had been talking to someone else or something better came along. That is the sad reality of OLD. Just move on ... 1
DrNo1962 Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 If her car broke down on the day of the date, I would have called her bluff and offered to pick her up instead. If you're a guy with a busy schedule and it actually means something to you to set aside time in your week, then you need to let the flake know that's unacceptable. It would have to take a medical emergency or catastrophic event for me to accept cancellations on the day of the date. She probably had a low level of interest in you anyway, but sometimes you can salvage that situation if you stand your ground. The fact that you just rolled over and accepted to be jerked around showed her a little chink in your armour.
newyorker11356 Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 The fact that you just rolled over and accepted to be jerked around showed her a little chink in your armour. Eh, it makes no difference in the end. If a person isn't interested in you, then they aren't interested.
DrNo1962 Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 (edited) Eh, it makes no difference in the end. If a person isn't interested in you, then they aren't interested. Then why offer to do it next week if there is no counter-offer? I still would have pushed to pick her up as her excuse was lame. If she still knocked me back with no counter-offer, I would have never called/texted her again. If there was a counter, I would have asked what day she is free? If she's unsure I'd leave the ball in her court to let me know when she's sure (and proceed to walk away). If she tells me what day she's free, then proceed to make another date. Sometimes girls come up with lame excuses to test your strength. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but some girls do it. You just have to work out if you want to put up with that BS or not Edited July 22, 2019 by DrNo1962
Author max3732 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Posted July 22, 2019 Then why offer to do it next week if there is no counter-offer? I still would have pushed to pick her up as her excuse was lame. If she still knocked me back with no counter-offer, I would have never called/texted her again. If there was a counter, I would have asked what day she is free? If she's unsure I'd leave the ball in her court to let me know when she's sure (and proceed to walk away). If she tells me what day she's free, then proceed to make another date. Sometimes girls come up with lame excuses to test your strength. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but some girls do it. You just have to work out if you want to put up with that BS or not What would you suggest I do now? Or did I already fail the test?
PRW Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 There was another one that I was chatting with and the minute I said I'm going to be traveling blocked me.You talk too much. The more you talk the more you will say something they don't like. You are 1 of 50 other guys they are "talking" to at the same time. You carry more weight by being a mystery that they want to meet and find out more about. Let the others be the ones to flap their lips (fingers) and shoot themselves down. Get a date set to meet, an exact time/day/place.No "confirmation" calls. Force them to take the initiative call/text you if they want to cancel.Then show up for the date They will either show up, or they won't.If they stand you up, you got your answer, go in have a good meal by yourself, flirt with the waitress, go on to the next one.
DrNo1962 Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 What would you suggest I do now? Or did I already fail the test? Move on and learn from it. PRW did a good job outlining how to set a date in future.
Author max3732 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Posted July 22, 2019 (edited) Ok, two last bits of advice: I think you need to relax what you "see" on paper and allow some room for chemistry. You slightly in danger of being like the stereotype girls have where you sound like you have a checklist mentality. I also think this plays into the nerves you have on a date and stiffness. If you've decided already that someone is "right" for you based on what they say in a profile, you are already giving them too much credit and putting too much pressure on yourself (which I'll bet you already do that anyway). Why not try to just connect based on whether you think someone is attractive in general and they meet a threshold of what you'd like to see on paper. Keep it simpler. You could definitely use dating practice so if you take them on affordable dates I think it could be great for you to walk into a date feeling like you have the upper hand a bit or at least a truly "i don't know what will happen here; i'm open". I think both of those things will serve you. Lastly just going to be real since you seem to struggle at the beginning of dating and mostly use online. Do you think you look as good as you can? Present as well as you can? I feel like these girls are discounting you BEFORE you even meet--I think, as shallow as that may be, it often relates back to how physically attractive a person finds another person and what they think is in it for them and how attractive you are to others on the whole. As far as relaxing my requirement for dates do you think I should go out with people I have no interest in? With my last real relationship (10 years ago) we ended up breaking up because she wanted me to convert to her religion. Other than that we were crazy about each other. So if someone is another religion and set on that what's the point on dating her? Politics is another big negative since I'm in the minority view where I live so whenever I see someone of the same viewpoint (like all my recent matches) I get excited. I don't think there is anything superficial about my criteria, like only wanting to date someone taller than X or who prefers dark to milk chocolate. I only don't really care about her weight unless she's really obese. What do you mean about if I look and present as well as I can? You mean my pictures? They look like good ones to me, but I may somewhat biased. If they don't find me attractive what can I do about that? One thing I did recently was get my teeth straightened. I'm pretty athletic and work out all the time. Maybe I should change what I wrote on my profile? I asked one of my friends and he said I'm too humble and come across like a nerd sometimes when I first meet people. He said he was shocked that I could beat him in sports and also that I'm so successful financially and in my career, but act so humble. It just goes against my nature to talk about my high end cars or other material things. I buy things that I enjoy, not to show off. Obviously I'm doing something wrong, but I don't know what. Maybe my opening line? Usually it's something like"Hey X, great to meet someone else into Y. That's something I like doing whenever I want to relax. How did you get into it?" Edited July 22, 2019 by max3732
Versacehottie Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 I'm so glad you got specific. Um, absolutely not. I don't think you should date people you don't find attractive or have no interest in. Personally I think a person (maybe not you) but some people can be flexible on religion and politics. I know couples who are not the same religion but it works because neither is particularly religious and I think they interpret their religions similarly in terms of the family aspect/being kind to others so they find a way to make it work. Just because your past gf took her religion that seriously doesn't mean all people express that part of themselves. I know many people who don't hold that value strongly in other words--they are flexible. Same with politics. Say if someone says they are of one political party which is opposite to yours but often they just say that because they are from that area and their parents are the same thing and they aren't particularly political. Actually they might appreciate the difference or debate! Just because someone identifies as such and such political party doesn't mean they spend a lot of time living that way or expressing that view if that makes sense. TBH, how strongly you hold each of these views with religion and politics and express them as a part of your daily life is bound to be a bigger struggle even when you are the SAME thing. I know people who just got married who are the same religion and were set up because the previous gf of the guy was very religious---the guy is not and neither is my friend--however they are all the same religion. I also have been around people i would say have similar political views as me (i'm not very political at all) and they are annoying AF because they are overzealous, so I often get along with people who have different views but we both express them at similar levels. Just something to think about--and especially if you are in an area where the majority is not what you are "on paper". Just the fact that you brought up these things makes me still believe you are on the right track in general and just a difficult venue. I really believe OLD is brutal and you should try to join some activities and meet people through friends (or even traveling!). So no don't lower your standards but if someone catches your eye and you are willing to just be flexible (politics or religion), give it a chance. About meeting in person, I think it might help with the nerves and getting some traction with a girl. You sound like you are pretty successful---IME, that is where you will find some like-minded people and can do some fun things which make it easier to flirt, like any alumni parties, get-togethers, fun travel things etc. That's a good way to show your success without bragging about it, so to speak & you would likely meet others who are similar in terms of career accomplishments. Hmm, so you sound like you are doing fine with the photos, etc. I think while you don't want to brag with your material things, maybe you should show "something" because it's an expression of who you are, what you like to do. Like trips you've taken (show in a photo or talk about) to give a sense of what you like to do, how you spend your money (don't jump on me about this I will explain*) and what type of guy you are. Also that gives you a masculine edge that maybe you never get a chance to express while you are waiting for things to take off. *So what i mean about the money part is that same with other levels and how people live their lives. Regardless of how much money people have in total, how they live on a day to day basis or on a vacation speaks volumes about capability or attracting someone to you. Some people vacation regularly and stay in more moderate places and see the sights. Others frugally, others go for broke, extravagantly. Some are curious and adventurous and go off the beaten path; others stick to more typical vacations and typical things at those places. I think in the little that I know of you here that your friend is probably right about the humble part. I think you probably "hold back" a bit. I think you should just try to add a touch of an edge. Don't worry so much about doing everything right. You DO have a lot to offer. You don't have as much to prove as you think you do. A little "f*ck it" attitude would help a little. I think that is one thing, let's say clusters of guys who probably get dates easily and often have in common: they do have a take or leave it attitude a bit. Not cocky necessarily but they don't feel the need to overly impress. ugh, I'm not making sense but hopefully as you have more real life examples I can explain. Plus let's just hope the next one you like is reciprocal as well & girl of your dreams. Hey, you are a young, successful guy--maybe you should have some fun!! I even think taking that attitude would help. Seriously! Ok Max, have fun on your vacation!! And yeah talk to some girls, I think as you've described your lifestyle and how it is where you live, it's a GREAT opportunity.
Redhead14 Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 If her car broke down on the day of the date, I would have called her bluff and offered to pick her up instead. If you're a guy with a busy schedule and it actually means something to you to set aside time in your week, then you need to let the flake know that's unacceptable. It would have to take a medical emergency or catastrophic event for me to accept cancellations on the day of the date. She probably had a low level of interest in you anyway, but sometimes you can salvage that situation if you stand your ground. The fact that you just rolled over and accepted to be jerked around showed her a little chink in your armour. I would never allow a new dating prospect to pick me up at my home for the first date. I would never reveal my address to a strange man for any reason and certainly not from OLD. But, it's likely she got a date offer from someone in whom she was more interested.
DrNo1962 Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 (edited) I would never allow a new dating prospect to pick me up at my home for the first date. I would never reveal my address to a strange man for any reason and certainly not from OLD. But, it's likely she got a date offer from someone in whom she was more interested. Semantics. So meet around the corner or pick her up from the closest bus stop. Or a coffee shop nearby? who cares. The point is there is a lesson in all of this that some are failing to see. OP was willing to accept two things: 1. Being flaked on the day of the date due to some lame excuse. If you're a guy with a busy schedule and you've put-off other meetings/plans for it, then this should infuriate you. I for one wouldn't allow it to go unchecked. Learn to stand your ground. 2. He accepted a 'maybe next week', which just means no or you're my back-up if something falls through next week. Both of these reactions are signs of weakness in the OP. He needs to learn from this and not accept both those scenarios next time. Get straight to the point. You're in or you're out. If you're out, no worries, I'm moving on. If you're in, great, what day are we catching up? proceed to set a date. Edited July 23, 2019 by DrNo1962 1
Versacehottie Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 I do think it was a weak excuse from this girl. What about Uber or OP could have met her closer to her place. Basically I also think he (gently) should have called her out--more accurately, softly press the issue by offering alternatives if transportation was the supposed issue & worked that out. I think it would have given more clarity and context to if she was just trying to get out of going on the date (which I think was probably the case but then she strung him along again so he is left wondering). I think if she is into the date and wants to make a good impression, if it was a true excuse, there were ways around it, easily. None of which she did and the offer to reschedule was a weak as the excuse to cancel. No bueno. 1
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