lana-banana Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 She may not be completely well at the moment, but thinking that you can get a restraining order just because she showed up one time is ridiculous. You can't even get restraining orders against people who have literally threatened harm against you in most states. If you actually have any fear for your safety, start documenting contact and letting your friends know what's up. It's true that you don't owe her anything, but she's not some irreparably toxic and unstable person because she's struggling with a breakup. You've said your piece and made it clear that there shouldn't be any further contact. If she crosses your path again, I'd just reiterate that (and make sure any mutual friends know to do the same thing if she asks about you). But I think that's unlikely. She left your place feeling helpless and rejected and humiliated; nothing that anyone else can do is worse than that. 2
FMW Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 Beyond that, I don't see any reason to "let her" grieve on me directly and put myself through that stress. I agree. You don't owe her any more of your time, and honestly giving her more would just be leading her on making her think there was still a chance. 1
Beachead Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 (edited) Hey JEG88, From what I'm reading here, you two simply had a mild argument and then she left. I'm not seeing any reason that would justify a restraining order. Just don't engage with her, stay in no-contact, and the storm will die off when enough time has passed by. - Beach Edited July 22, 2019 by Beachead
CantTakeMySmile Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 Just a question out of curiosity. Can one get a restraining order for such a thing? If so, it looks like there would be a lot of restraining orders after breakups. I inquired about one once in the state I live in, and although I don't remember the specific criteria, I don't think it is so easy to get one.
major_merrick Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 As others have said, a restraining order for this is silly. Exes sometimes show up, and it isn't always with bad intent. One of my exes showed up at the holidays and is dating my sister. We ended up having to remove them to a hotel. It happens. If she becomes a pest, you can always call the cops and say she's trespassing. Or hire a husky neighbor to convince her to leave.
healing light Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 (edited) coming over to your place doesn't make her toxic Anyone coming over at 7:30am on a Sunday morning is toxic. This woman was trying to manipulate the original poster by holding his items hostage. I can understand a text and leaving them at his door if she had no other motivation, but she refused to leave his stuff and took them with her as a form of leverage in the hopes of seeing him again even after he woke up. I had a very dramatic roommate in college that would do the same thing with personal items (she would plant a personal item at a man's house after a hookup so he had to see her again or hold onto his stuff, etc.). I understand if this is a one-off thing and the woman is clearly hurting, but pestering him repeatedly at such an ungodly hour is quite weird, imo. If it wasn't to catch him in the act with someone else (that didn't even occur to me until someone said it here), it seems vengeful or angry or...something. Why deliberately try to wake someone up on a weekend morning when most people sleep in? It just seems like grief is not the only motivator here. And it's clearly not about the stuff itself or she would have left it without a fuss. Edited to add: I don't think you need a restraining order, but I do think she was stopping by with the stuff to try to get back together or vent some more. And then got pissed off when it wasn't working. Edited July 22, 2019 by healing light 1
anika99 Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 I understand if this is a one-off thing and the woman is clearly hurting Well as far as we can tell this is just a one off thing and she is hurting as the OP just broke up with her a couple of weeks ago. I didn't see him say anywhere that she has repeatedly come to his house. She is not toxic, she is in pain. 1
anika99 Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 I really don't think I have any obligation to deal with her pain weeks after the breakup. The day it happened, I stayed for a good while and talked things through with her in person. Crying, grieving, venting. I made my words as compassionate, clear and decisive as I could that day. I even stopped her from hurting herself, which was scary. Beyond that, I don't see any reason to "let her" grieve on me directly and put myself through that stress. I dealt with the decision in my own way, and if this sounds cold so be it, but she should do the same. I'm not ungrateful for the two years, and I wish her nothing but the best, but I also don't want to stir up any undue emotions after everything. I feel like that would only prolong the healing and moving on, and that's not fair to me or to her. I actually agree with you that continued contact will only drag things out and cause more pain. I'm not saying that you should be at her beck and call, I'm just suggesting that you have a little compassion for what she is going through instead of getting angry threatening restraining orders. Saying she should deal with it like you dealt with it, isn't fair or even possible. You were on LS almost a month before you broke up with her saying you were going to end things with her. So you had time to deal with it that she didn't have. You decided when and where it was going to happen, you made all of the decisions. Not saying you should have done anything differently just pointing out that you had all the advantages while she had none. Your position is lot different than hers. 2
Author JEG88 Posted July 23, 2019 Author Posted July 23, 2019 I already know now that even thinking of a restraining order was unrealistic. That was not the main point of this thread, but people seem hung up on it. Yes I admit it is an over-reaction, so I don't know what else needs to be said. I still don't see how what she did is acceptable in any way whatsoever, even if she is grieving. I actually agree with you that continued contact will only drag things out and cause more pain. I'm not saying that you should be at her beck and call, I'm just suggesting that you have a little compassion for what she is going through instead of getting angry threatening restraining orders. Saying she should deal with it like you dealt with it, isn't fair or even possible. You were on LS almost a month before you broke up with her saying you were going to end things with her. So you had time to deal with it that she didn't have. You decided when and where it was going to happen, you made all of the decisions. Not saying you should have done anything differently just pointing out that you had all the advantages while she had none. Your position is lot different than hers. You misunderstood that post. I said she should deal with it in her own way, as I did. Not that she should deal with it in the same way. There's a difference, but yes I agree that she needs time as anyone would.
GoreSP Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 My ex was the same. Kept fishing for reasons to talk to me. When we had no more reasons to be in contact, he sent me an email because he was receiving mail adverts for me. Said having my mail sent to his home was a valid reason to contact me. I didn’t reply. He stopped. Just stop interacting with her altogether, especially if none of the stuff she has is important....
schlumpy Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Jeg88: From reading the posts I get that for you the relationship has run its course, you ended it but she's not able to accept it. I do have some compassion for her but she's just going to have to accept it. All of us have been kicked to curb sometime in our life and whether it was done with kindness or cruelty it made little difference as to the pain that was experienced. Keep on staying out of her way as much as possible. There is no sense in allowing her false hope for an R. Do you have any friends in common with her that can talk her down off the ledge? How about her family? She needs someone to vent to that has a chance of keeping her occupied and distracted while she adjusts her feelings. Good luck and stay in the bunker.
PRW Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Too much drama on both sides. You created just as much drama as she did via your "resistance" and, IMO, even made hers more severe then it might have been. If you would have got up, accepted the stuff, told her to "Thanks for bringing it by, put it over there". If she said she wanted to talk, you could have just let her say her piece, get it off her chest and she may have went on her way satisfied that she got to say what she wanted. There would not be all this drama queen non-sense about phone blocking, CCTV, and restraining orders. 4
Author JEG88 Posted July 26, 2019 Author Posted July 26, 2019 She sent me a note on OLD, I'm guessing she signed up as well and came across my profile. "I will always love you and hope you find the right girl." I kept to NC and didn't respond, and deleted/X-ed out her message. Do you have any friends in common with her that can talk her down off the ledge? How about her family? She needs someone to vent to that has a chance of keeping her occupied and distracted while she adjusts her feelings. No mutual friends, which was another side effect of our relationship. I basically lost touch with anyone I would have called a friend on my side, in favor of her social circle. So I feel like I'm starting from scratch in that regard as well. Too much drama on both sides. You created just as much drama as she did via your "resistance" and, IMO, even made hers more severe then it might have been. If you would have got up, accepted the stuff, told her to "Thanks for bringing it by, put it over there". If she said she wanted to talk, you could have just let her say her piece, get it off her chest and she may have went on her way satisfied that she got to say what she wanted. There would not be all this drama queen non-sense about phone blocking, CCTV, and restraining orders. Yes, in hindsight I was not in my fully functioning mind, but I don't know many people who would be after being woken up like that. Especially for that reason.
Beachead Posted July 26, 2019 Posted July 26, 2019 (edited) @Jeg88 This is just post-breakup drama. With a relationship, comes the possibility of a breakup and in the event that breakup happens, there will be the likelihood of some drama. This is unfortunately part of the deal you accept when you try a relationship. Is it fair? No. Does it happen anyway? Yes. You shouldn't have to deal with it but try to understand just because you had time in the relationship to sort your head out and get over it, it's still all a giant shock to her. You knew you wanted to break up, you knew why, and so you confidently lead this break up. She on the other hand was at the mercy of following your lead and I know something about that. She doesn't see the reasons you see for ending it..not yet anyway. The biggest challenge for dumpees is the hope. Accepting that it's over is a slow process which takes months of silence to make this whole ordeal real for them. None of this makes sense to her yet. It's not your concern and not your problem but understanding the other side can go a long way for you. It'll certainly minimize the damage you incur from getting caught up in these pointless fights because you have a grasp of what's really going on. In any case, just keep ignoring all her attempts to contact you and she'll get the hint and stop. This will all be over soon. - Beach Edited July 26, 2019 by Beachead 1
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