Twizzlestick Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 (edited) Hi, I’ve ventured back into the world of dating after a breakup last year. I’ve been out of it years and what’s struck me is how much online dating has changed the way things are done. I “met” a lady on an app. I passed my number and started chatting over the app. At first she wanted to ask lots and lots of questions and wanted more photos. I got the idea it was validating I was who I said I was which I totally understand as I’ve read some horror stories from the weirdos that prowl those apps so do not blame women one bit for double checking folk are who they portray themselves as. Anyway, she quickly turned very deep and started asking all the goodies about do I want kids, my last rele. In between it was apparant she was making it clear how much she was already into me. We had a chat on the phone that night and it lasted 2 hours. Yacking away. Well, day 2 and it’s amped right up! She keeps making inferences about how I could be what she never had. Has already invited me to see an event she’s doing in December, and just keeps mentioning every message about how good looking I am (I’m ok, hardly Brad Pitt). She told me she was lying awake last night just looking at my picture. I’ll admit, that made me uncomfortable. Now we’ve not even had a date! It’s set for next sat. So I’m thinking I’ve got a week of these messages before we even meet. She already said she’s going to text today and I’m thinking how I must try and space out replying to give myself some breather from it. The thing is you’re all probably thinking what’s the prob. Two things it’s making me feel uncomfortable, and I also fancy her and what to meet, but I’m not sure about her. Hell, how can you be with essentially a stranger. She told me she broke up in jan from an emotionally abusive rele. She’s also had a terrible time with her personal life in the past few years. She seems a lovely woman who has had some very challenging things in the past but she is very admirable in what’s shes doing in her life regarding her career and family. Here’s the thing. I found the fun is stripping out of online dating. I thought it was going to be like it used to be. Meet, change numbers, chat a bit between go on a few fun dates and take it slow, nothing heavy or committal in language too soon. You know, cards to the chest as it used to be. Nice and slow. No pressure. Now it feels like the dating is taking place online over intense hours before you’ve even met. Is it wrong to go on dates with someone you’re not sure about? This girl seems really keen and given my on the fenceness I don’t want to cause her hurt down the line if I’m not sure. But equally I counter that to myself as say it’s “only a few dates”. I do want to meet her, but don’t want to get myself in over my head. Boundaries and people pleasing was something I struggled with in my previous rele and i have to work on it. Thanks for advice Edited July 21, 2019 by Twizzlestick
schlumpy Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 I got the idea it was validating I was who I said I was which I totally understand as I’ve read some horror stories from the weirdos that prowl those apps so do not blame women one bit for double checking folk are who they portray themselves as. She told me she was lying awake last night just looking at my picture. I’ll admit, that made me uncomfortable. Two things it’s making me feel uncomfortable, and I also fancy her and what to meet, but I’m not sure about her. Hell, how can you be with essentially a stranger. Is it wrong to go on dates with someone you’re not sure about? I do want to meet her, but don’t want to get myself in over my head.D Weird men stalking women for sure but as you are finding out it also works the other way. You are smart to want to protect yourself. I suggest you buy a voice activated recorder and for your own protection record your first meeting. That way if you run into a crazy there will be some evidence that things did not go the way she said they did. Don't get caught doing it as it will not add anything to the romantic atmosphere and don't save the recordings unless you think you may be needing them after you meet her. I don't what the legal ramifications are in the state where you live so that's on you. I would still do it despite legal liability. I'd rather pay a fine then get set up for sexual assault. I always choose the lesser of two evils. Good hunting
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 I would proceed with caution on this one, OP. She hasn't even met you yet and is already building up a fantasy future in her mind. That is often the sign of someone who is desperate to fill some sort of void, and does not use the greatest judgment. Perhaps she is still hurting from her previous relationship and is jumping in too quickly because it feels good to have some positive attention (ie. from you) after such a painful past. She could also be fishing for compliments from you when she praises you like this, hoping you will reassure her that you feel the same way. Either way, there are a couple red flags here you are correct to wonder about. Meet her if you like, but do not engage in any sort of future talk. Don't feel obligated to respond in kind to her over-the-top gushing. Maintain your position that you'd like to get to know her more. If she balks, you know you need to walk away. If you are already feeling like you don't want to meet her, then be kind but firm that you are not on the same page and would prefer not to complicate things by meeting. 2
Author Twizzlestick Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 Thanks both for the advice there, some good points raised. I’ll take that onboard. I’ve received the expected morning message (8 hours after we stopped talking I’m bushed ) I’ve given given consideration and realised over the last 2 days I’ve very much been part of my own little problem in a way, as I’ve been responding quickly, getting drawn in and getting caught in the back and forth. So moving forward I’m going to space out my replies. Not to play games but to give myself space and also set a more comfortable pace for me. I’m going to have a think about whether to meet still. I know me, I’m a sucker for fancying someone a bit and getting temptation in the way of good reason. I don’t trust myself for instance, not to have a snog for example even if I feel doubts. I’m aware that is confusing to someone who is going in strong, as gives the impression you’re all in. Uggggh. So if I meet I’ve decided I’ll mention that I like to date slowly in order to get to know someone properly. I’m also going to strive to not get caught up in these fantasy images she’s having as per your advice expat. What I’ve found is they’re hard to ignore as she tends to ask me to input into them. But I’ll have to think of a way of fencing it off and steering it back onto light and fun dating style chat
chillii Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Geez man , dunno what all the fuss is. You like her but your a bit worried about things. That could turn out to be absolutely nothing or just her nerves. And l def get being your own worst enemy. But,,, you haven't even met, if you like her just meet her and if you don't from there then don't see her again.
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 I totally see what the problem is. She is too much & has poor boundaries. You haven't met & she's talking about how you are what she has never had? Making plans for December before meeting is just crazy. She doesn't even know you. She moves too fast without thinking. She's in love with love, falls at the drop of hat & may be falling for who she has decided you are not who you actually are. She sounds nutty & inappropriate. That said, on some level I'm doing the same thing with the above analysis: jumping to conclusions without meeting her. Go on the one date. See if the in person is better then what you have. If so have a 2nd date but tell her to power down. You keep the reigns & the pace, slow. Do not make or accept declarations of love. If you go on the one date & she's worse then what you have now, definitively say thanks but no thanks & cut it off. If she asks tell her she's too intense & suggest that she slow down with her next OLD Meet. Normally I suggest people fall back on the It's not you it's me cliché rather than put up with the other person trying to change for them. Here you can just say the damage has already been done. Her pushing so hard pushed you away. If you are considering bringing a recorder, don't go at all. 1
OatsAndHall Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Honestly, I don't know that I would meet her face-face if she's as intense as you've described. There could be any number of reasons why she's acting this way but none of them are good. 1
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 I don't see anything good about this. IMO a simple few messages, and meetup for coffee is more standard fare for OLD. Getting all intense for weeks over texting with a total stranger is bad juju.
Author Twizzlestick Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 Thanks folks. It isn’t just me and this is normal for modern dating then. Believe it or not, this is the second time this has happened this week and my head is melted. I feel totally bombarded. I’ve not been on a date yet ha.
Author Twizzlestick Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 I totally see what the problem is. all. Thanks Donnivain. I’ll take that advice. Can you just clear up by what you mean when you say “see if it’s better than what you have”? Is that as in, if she starts getting more intense? Re the recorder, I appreciated the advice of all the posters above, but what you said about the specifics of taking a recorder is exactly what I said to myself.
spiderowl Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 I do understand what you mean. It can get worrying if someone is too intense. I had to give up on someone recently because of this. Regular texts not a problem but all the future fantasy and then him sending a made up photo of me and him side-by-side was just too much! I felt he could easily be a future stalker and was glad he did not have my surname, address or place of work. I think you are right to pace this out a bit. Don't play games though, just keep it at a natural pace. You really do need to keep self-control in this situation. There is no point leading her on if you are not feeling that you like her as a person not just a body. It's reasonable to meet and see how things go but do not kiss her if you still feel uncomfortable about things.
preraph Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Tell her, Whoa, Hoss, you need to slow down because we haven't even met and until we meet, you really can't tell anything about each other. She sounds desperate, honestly.
The Outlaw Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 That's too much, too soon, and too fast. And an invitation for disaster. Relationships take time and shouldn't ever be rushed.
Foxhall Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 she sounds quite intense right enough, that being said you can better decide once you meet in person, if you were able to yap two hours on the phone to her that sounds positive in terms of being able to talk to her anyway. no harm to distance yourself all week from the online communications but go along and see what the date brings.
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