WIDESTI Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Hi all need some solid advice. Been dating a girl from work since she was separated. She’s 37 I’m 33. Now completely divorced. They have 2 kids together 4 and 2. Well she has an physically abusive ex husband who she has a restraining on but he violates it and has shown up to her place physically hit her she beat her. Idiot has a newborn with the girl he cheated on her with too. He has done this in the past on front of the kids and now they’re going through DCFS.. it’s just a mess. She’s filed police reports and all. He’s taken her phone multiple times and has messaged me and I’ve held my tongue and not said anything, I’m not trying to fight and get involved because I’m not jeopardizing my freedom as I have a son to raise. I myself have an 8 year old and get along with my ex great and I just can’t believe the mess that is going on with them. I care about her a lot but not sure if I can deal with the drama. She’s pretty much my counterpart we get along well and just get each other. She’s an amazing person and mother and she just doesn’t deserve to go through all that she’s going to. 1. Am I right for not getting involved? Am I suppose to be her “savior” 2. Is it worth it to have to deal with this for life or do I run? Thanks to this forum for always giving advice through the years. It’s help more than anyone will know. It’s great to have a community like this.
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Get out now. IMO this is was too dangerous for you and your son. This is something she is going to have to deal with on her own..and if it means getting full custody and moving away, then that is what she is going to have to do. I have thought about things like this..if I were single today, dating..this scenario would be an automatic deal breaker. I myself could not live in turmoil because of my Bf's ex..no f'ing way. 3
Author WIDESTI Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 Get out now. IMO this is was too dangerous for you and your son. This is something she is going to have to deal with on her own..and if it means getting full custody and moving away, then that is what she is going to have to do. I have thought about things like this..if I were single today, dating..this scenario would be an automatic deal breaker. I myself could not live in turmoil because of my Bf's ex..no f'ing way. That is the main reason I hold my tongue and haven’t done anything. My son comes first. He has tried to come to my place once before and I wasn’t home. What sucks is I get it how “stuck” she feels and I wish there was something I could do. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 It's reckless to get involved if that ex is still threatening her, and by implication, threatening you. The relationship won't work in the face of ongoing harassment by a violent ex. So it's futile to date anyway. And, most of all, you're putting yourself at risk. I doubt she's ready to date seriously anyway. People coming out of abusive relationships need time to heal and recover and rebuild themselves. So it's not smart to get deeply involved with such a person right away after such a relationship. You cannot be a savior. There is no such thing as a savior. And no, it's not worth it to get involved in this drama that you can't solve. Yes, keep your distance. There is another confounding element here. It's so tempting, so easy, to assume that this woman will value you romantically because you are so different from (and better than) her bad-guy ex. Wrong! Appreciating your kindness and decency does not mean she will appreciate you as a romantic partner. She might be less attracted to you than she was to her ex or she may simply like another guy for romance, not you. She needs to go to a domestic violence center and come up with a short-term and long-term strategy. The piece-meal response is exhausting and doesn't work. Encourage her to do that. Be her friend but perhaps not her best friend and be careful to avoid thinking you're the hero ... and that being appreciated as a great hero means she will want you for romance. And to be clear, she has the absolute right--and indeed the duty--not to fall hard for you simply because you aren't abusive. 1
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 (edited) There are plenty of resources she can obtain from women's crisis hotline. They can tell her where she can get help, and what is available to her. She needs to get a retaining order so the next time he contacts her in any way he goes to jail. IMO she is in no position to included someone new into her life...it's rather selfish of her to expect anyone to deal with this with her, risking their own life. My friend was in her position. Her BF had a 10 year old son....one day he just up and left, and she was on the phone crying to me. I was like my god woman what do you expect? I bet money on it he was threatened, and was fearing for his and his son's life. Edited July 21, 2019 by smackie9 1
Beendaredonedat Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Your son should be your first priority. He doesn't need to be seeing that kind of abusive and dysfunctional relating so as much as it may hurt you to give up on this girl, you need to distance yourself from her and her drama with this guy. If she has a restraining order on him, why hasn't he been arrested when he violated it? I agree with Smackie. This ongoing drama should be a deal breaker for you. Protect your son from this violent and abusive drama. Even if he's never witnessed it, he doesn't need someone who has ex drama in his life because eventually he will witness it. No doubt.
Author WIDESTI Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 Thank you all. some perspectives I never or didn’t even consider. Yes DCFS is making her go to domestic violence classes, parenting classes (even though she didn’t do wrong). They made her move so he wouldn’t know her address but then when he went to her house and took her phone he had her new lease info. He has been arrested multiple times but don’t know the details about them keeping him. Thank you all your input. It was really hard for me to feel helpless and I felt like **** because I “wasn’t there” for her.
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 That is the main reason I hold my tongue and haven’t done anything. My son comes first. He has tried to come to my place once before and I wasn’t home. What sucks is I get it how “stuck” she feels and I wish there was something I could do. Yeah don't get involved. You are doing the right thing to put your son first. It's dangerous as it is for you. But it will for sure escalate if you get involved. I don't think you should do the savior thing. TBH, you should probably find out some more about her anyway.I know you think you know but still. I don't think these things (dysfunctional partners) happen in a bubble, occasionally but usually not. Not to say she is to blame, but the way she acts or has in the past is part of the reason this is happening. Even if it was allowing his tantrums and repeatedly taking him back etc, that teaches him something. This is proven stuff.
BaileyB Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 You have a young child to protect. Living in a home where an abusive ex could show-up at any given moment, on any given day, to put your child’s safety at risk is not a good plan... She may be a really lovely woman, and my heart hurts for her and her children, but she needs more time to settle the issues in her life before she is ready to have another serious relationship. Seriously.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 If this was your sister, sure, you would get more involved but you'd have more right and standing to get involved. And there wouldn't be the issue of you being the new lover (competitor) with the abusive ex. This is not your sister or your mom ... but even your sister would have to take some action ... and some abused people aren't really safe to be around ... So caution applies even in that case ... Anyway, run ... brother ... run. The best helpers for her right now are her family and her friends, mainly women friends. Provide a listening ear ... but at a distance. BTW: just a principle that seems to hold true ... You don't want to begin a relationship on a note of "helping" someone. You build a relationship ... and make sure the person is able to be helped and is worth helping and is someone who can benefit from the type of help you're willing to offer. You help later after the relationship is established and solid ... and then ideally you take turns helping each other. But at the start, you want a person to be able to focus 100 percent on you (of course, if they're a parent, that comes first). Romance is two equals connecting ... two equally strong, equally giving, people connecting. Right away in this situation, you're in an imbalance ... because you're being the supportive one. What will happen is you'll not make demands on her, she'll not offer the support you need ... you can easily become numb to your own pain and problems ... and you become habituated to ignoring your problems (and pushing away the support and encouragement and attention you need) ... because hers are more immediate. OMG, I'll refrain from telling you the story of the time I fell hard for a woman who was having an affair with a married guy who I assumed was using her ... and I tried to play the hero. Pain over pain ... But thank God, I learned from that experience. 1
rightondude Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 (edited) brother I know you want to be the hero here but you need to think about what it will mean for your son when this nut shoots you and you're just a segment on the news. It's not fair for her to have to deal with this but that's not your hill to die on man. Unless you are in for a fight and sleep with a gun I'd bail. I have repeated this story ad infinitum but some dude busted in this girl I was dating's place and pulled a knife on me, tried to stab me. I got out of that and then a day later I had roofing nails in every one of my tires. The car I was using to transport my kids. So unless you want that kind of excitement in your life, find someone else. It ain't worth it. Edited July 21, 2019 by rightondude 1
Author WIDESTI Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 Wow thank you all for the supportive words and points of view. The last couple days I’ve felt pretty bad but seeing everyone’s input helps out. Yes she is a wonderful woman it would be a hard loss but yes it’s not worth my sons safety or my son losing me to anything. You are right.. it’s not like I wouldn’t anything for her it’s not my battle to fight 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Don't continue dating her, OP. It's too risky for you and your son. I feel horrible for her, but it's not worth the significant threat of danger. This man isn't stable and it won't be long until he finds a way to harm you.
OatsAndHall Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Turn around and don't look back. You have a son to think about and you don't want to be embroiled in this situation. My ex-wife had an abusive ex (biological father of her sons) who was a nightmare to deal with. He wasn't as violent as the fellow you're describing but life was miserable when he was on a rampage. I feel terrible for the woman you're seeing but this is a situation that won't get any better. In fact, there's a good chance it will get a whole lot worse.
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 You can't put your child in danger. However if you really want to continue, buy her a set of video cameras for the house or at least the Ring doorbell. Then she can call the police when he violates the restraining order & will have evidence, before he gets his hands on her. Also make sure you check your car / house for similar threats. You have to be concerned that when he can't get to her, he will come to you viewing you as the reason she won't forgive him.
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 I wouldn't stick around because you being in the picture is only exasperating his anger and causing more trouble than she needs. Plus you don't know what is happening in the background. Women of abuse find themselves navigating back to the abuser, contacting them, etc. For all you know this is what she could be doing. That is why there is a need for her to go to those classes, support groups, and counseling. It would be wise to step out of this for awhile.....she can contact you down the road when her life is much more stable. Right now all you are to her is a life preserver, but not really getting her back to safety. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Plus you don't know what is happening in the background. Women of abuse find themselves navigating back to the abuser, contacting them, etc. For all you know this is what she could be doing. That is why there is a need for her to go to those classes, support groups, and counseling. It would be wise to step out of this for awhile.....she can contact you down the road when her life is much more stable. Absolutely! 2
Author WIDESTI Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 I wouldn't stick around because you being in the picture is only exasperating his anger and causing more trouble than she needs. Plus you don't know what is happening in the background. Women of abuse find themselves navigating back to the abuser, contacting them, etc. For all you know this is what she could be doing. That is why there is a need for her to go to those classes, support groups, and counseling. It would be wise to step out of this for awhile.....she can contact you down the road when her life is much more stable. Right now all you are to her is a life preserver, but not really getting her back to safety. See that’s what I had in the back of my mind too. In the end they’ve known each other since they were 12, shes 37 with the two kids. No matter how sincere she has been to me and shown that and she loves and cares for me physically, mentally, and financially. I completely see where you’re coming from I’m so appreciative of all your support and views 2
spiderowl Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 It's a very difficult situation and you clearly like her a lot. Until this situation has been sorted out though, it would not be wise to be part of the mix. If they have known each other that long, you would have thought she would have had a restraining order on him long before now. Maybe she has. I think in your situation I would be tempted to talk to the police to see if they are willing to give you any info on how long this situation has been going on. I really do feel for her. She is in a dangerous situation. If she is keeping him at bay, it could get worse. The police should be aware and taking action. If he has broken a restraining order, they could arrest him. If they have not done, then it is worth asking them why. It might give you more of an insight into this. Of course you have to consider your own safety and that of your son. This guy will see you as a rival and who knows what he might do. She might be interacting with him behind the scenes; this does happen and the counselling and groups can help with that. I would have thought that any woman in this situation would not be in touch with a guy who beats them but I have seen it myself. Someone I used to know got in touch with the guy who had been in prison for beating her up. He beat her, burned her, and smashed her door and windows. She still got in touch with him, or rather left enough blatant hints via social media that he could not miss where she was. She is an intelligent lady and knew what she was doing. People do strange things when in emotional states. It would be wise to take a step back and see whether this situation calms down or not. Either way, I really do think you are putting yourself at risk if you get more involved.
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