Girl I am casually dating is not responding while on a business trip. Feeling hurt.

July 20, 2019

So I've dated this one woman casually over the past couple of months. We both have super busy schedules and with her internship and my 60hr a week schedule we have only gone out 6 times thus far. However, we have been in almost daily communication ever since we met up until recently.

I last heard from her 3 days ago setting up a date for next week (which she agreed to) when she also mentioned that she is going on a business trip the next day into the weekend. She did not properly end my last conversation with her (left me on read with a question) and did not respond to my text asking if she got to her destination ok the next day. She also displayed a similar behavior a couple of weeks ago when she was on vacation with her family and only responded after she returned home (said she needed a break for a little while).

I have not seen her in nearly a month and feel our communication deteriorating. I have initiated every conversation with her over the past couple of weeks (which wasn't the case before) and I just don't feel a lot of effort coming from her. This in sharp contrast to when we first met and she was the one who actually asked me to go out the first couple of times. We went from texting several times a day sometimes, to once a day, to once every day, and as of most recent I haven't heard from her in 3 days.

She returns from her trip tomm so my plan as of now is to text her asking if we are still ok with our date plans next week and see what she says. I want to know if this is something I should be concerned about or if I am overthinking things and she is genuinely too busy to even have a few back and forth texts each day. She is a complicated person and has a lot of personal issues she has been working through so maybe this could be part of it too?

I am very infatuated with this person so it has taken every ounce of strength in me to resist reaching out to her over this trip but I am just so worried that we are growing apart and at the rate we are moving, this relationship is destined to never really progress. She is close by on break from school so even with her full time job, classes, travels, etc is this still too long to have gone without any physical contact.

Assuming she actually responds to me tomm and I do end up seeing her next week, is this something I should mention to her in person? Should I call her out for not responding and say that this is not acceptable to me? Should I try to suggest that she make more of an effort to see each other more? Should I say that I am concerned/have doubts about her level of interest? I don't want to come across as being too needy or intrusive but this situation really has be confused on how to progress/what to say. It is really hurting me and making it hard for me to focus on other things. Any input would be very appreciated.

Edited July 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

July 20, 2019

You are dating casually and she really doesn't owe you anything other than what she is giving you. Since her actions are showing you that she's not as into this casual dating as you are, I suggest you dial it back. You've text her when she is on business and now it's up to her to return the volley.

Go out with other women and don't put all your efforts into this one girl. She's either too busy to give you more or she doesn't care to give you more... either way, you would be best to look after yourself and let her initiate next contact while you keep pursuing other women who can give you more than this girl is.

July 20, 2019

You are hurting because you like her but you are worried that she doesn't feel the same.

Don't call her out but do speak to her. Tell her that you would like it if she initiated more.

Despite your 60+ hour schedule, try to see her a bit more.

July 20, 2019

you need to work fewer hours and enjoy life a little more

July 20, 2019

you need to work fewer hours and enjoy life a little more

I know. But I have been trying so hard to make time for this person. I would have no problem seeing her at least once a week even with my schedule. But it typically takes me several attempts to find a time she is willing to go out and she typically never likes to make any plans in advance (hence why I am worried what she will say tomm). She has given me valid and legitimate sounding reasons every time she has said she is not available to meet (physically in another place, upcoming exam, etc) but it just still has me very worried. I try to ask her out no more than twice a week because I don't want to come across as being too needy. I can really see this going places if I can get her to spend more time with me, but I just want to make sure I don't screw things up due to my emotions.

Edited July 20, 2019 by igloovik

July 20, 2019

She is a complicated person and has a lot of personal issues she has been working through so maybe this could be part of it too?

What does this mean, exactly? What sort of personal issues is she working through?

As I read it, she is not as interested as you are. I would not reach out yet again if you have sent her two messages already and she has not responded. The ball is in her court to get back to you now. It might be a good idea to keep your options open, though. She sounds lukewarm at this point.

July 20, 2019

What does this mean, exactly? What sort of personal issues is she working through?

As I read it, she is not as interested as you are. I would not reach out yet again if you have sent her two messages already and she has not responded. The ball is in her court to get back to you now. It might be a good idea to keep your options open, though. She sounds lukewarm at this point.

She has been struggling with depression for the past year. She opened up to me on some very personal details about it so on one hand I feel like she trusts me/values me, but on the other I feel like she could just be using me for emotional support (she is much more willing/quick to text when something is bothering her). I really don't know. Nonetheless, the last time she was going through an episode, I texted her day and night and dropped everything I was doing to comfort her in person. I think this is part of the reason why I am so hurt by this lack of response. Considering how available I made myself to her and how much effort I put in, it makes me feel humiliated/undignified to see I am not worth even a simple "hey I can't talk right now" or "I'm going to be very busy over the next few days, could you text me when I get home". This recent lack of communication just has me overanalyzing every aspect of our relationship and it feels horrible.

Edited July 20, 2019 by igloovik

July 20, 2019

It sounds like she's either extremely busy, or it's a slow fade. I get that it hurts because I've been there, but if she were really interested, she'd make more of an effort because it takes two to make a relationship work and the work has fallen on your shoulders alone. Try to see her more and if that doesn't work, it'd be best to move onto someone who will make time for you as you have her.

July 20, 2019

This recent lack of communication just has me overanalyzing every aspect of our relationship and it feels horrible.

No need to OVER analyze. It's clear that when someone isn't making time for you, then you should have no time for them.

Get on with your life and quit trying to make something with someone who is clearly not ready to date. Particularly she is not dateable if she is not getting professional help for her depression.

Find someone who makes just as much effort as you do and check your white knight symptoms at the door. You're not her psychiatrist so don't try to be because your over compensating gestures won't be acknowledged or reciprocated because her focus is on her own pain and not on being a good partner.

Google "White Knight" syndrome and see if it rings any bells with you regarding your behaviour with her.

July 20, 2019

You are dating casually and she really doesn't owe you anything other than what she is giving you. Since her actions are showing you that she's not as into this casual dating as you are, I suggest you dial it back. You've text her when she is on business and now it's up to her to return the volley.

Go out with other women and don't put all your efforts into this one girl. She's either too busy to give you more or she doesn't care to give you more... either way, you would be best to look after yourself and let her initiate next contact while you keep pursuing other women who can give you more than this girl is.

I've been dating other women over the past few weeks since I have last seen her. All three have gone well (even saw one of them twice). Even though they all seem interested in pursuing something with me, I just do not feel the same way about them compared to the one I am currently discussing. I also don't feel as interested in other women because I have already caught feelings for her too. She just has such an amazing personality and we seem to have so much in common that I really want to do anything I can to keep this one moving forward. Do you think a frank discussion about my concerns could help at all or would it only push her further away? I have a feeling there could be a reasonable explanation that I am not seeing due to my perception at this point.

July 20, 2019

The needy, clingy controlling act will get you nowhere fast.

Business trips can be exhausting so leave this alone. Independence, confidence are attractive traits to have.

July 20, 2019

Social withdrawal is the most common telltale sign of depression.

Depressed people tend to pull away from others and shut down.

July 20, 2019

I've been dating other women over the past few weeks since I have last seen her. All three have gone well (even saw one of them twice). Even though they all seem interested in pursuing something with me, I just do not feel the same way about them compared to the one I am currently discussing. I also don't feel as interested in other women because I have already caught feelings for her too. She just has such an amazing personality and we seem to have so much in common that I really want to do anything I can to keep this one moving forward. Do you think a frank discussion about my concerns could help at all or would it only push her further away? I have a feeling there could be a reasonable explanation that I am not seeing due to my perception at this point.

Well she is currently suffering in a mental illness. They say that we tend to be attracted to those that are slightly above or slightly below our own emotional and mental well being. What does that say about you and your obsession with her? You have barely gotten to know her and you're far too invested at this point it would seem. As long as you still have her on your radar and haven't closed the door on her, other women are not going to do it for you so you're wasting good dating opportunities on someone who isn't well and isn't showing you the same amount of focus/interest.

Did you google "White Knight Syndrome"

July 20, 2019

Well she is currently suffering in a mental illness. They say that we tend to be attracted to those that are slightly above or slightly below our own emotional and mental well being. What does that say about you and your obsession with her? You have barely gotten to know her and you're far too invested at this point it would seem. As long as you still have her on your radar and haven't closed the door on her, other women are not going to do it for you so you're wasting good dating opportunities on someone who isn't well and isn't showing you the same amount of focus/interest.

Did you google "White Knight Syndrome"

I did google it (never heard it before). While I do try to console her when she is feeling upset, I don't consider myself to fit this description. I think she is a strong person who is just going through a hard time (and seeking treatment). Should I really through away what could become a promising relationship over something out of her control? The fact that she has depression was not something I was made aware of at first (and honestly isn't a dealbreaker for me). The thing that is bothering me more however is the communicational deficit which is why I decided to make this post.

Edited July 20, 2019 by igloovik

July 20, 2019

This is not like you have been married and she has fallen into depression. This is like you're just getting to know her and she's not well nor is she showing you the interest that you are showing her.

Up to you what you do with that information. Just do your own self a favor and stop ignoring all the red flags because of "potential." There really is no potential if she's not on the same page as you; mentally, emotionally, romantically.

She's not the only fish in the pond.

July 20, 2019

She has been struggling with depression for the past year. She opened up to me on some very personal details about it so on one hand I feel like she trusts me/values me, but on the other I feel like she could just be using me for emotional support (she is much more willing/quick to text when something is bothering her). I really don't know. Nonetheless, the last time she was going through an episode, I texted her day and night and dropped everything I was doing to comfort her in person. I think this is part of the reason why I am so hurt by this lack of response. Considering how available I made myself to her and how much effort I put in, it makes me feel humiliated/undignified to see I am not worth even a simple "hey I can't talk right now" or "I'm going to be very busy over the next few days, could you text me when I get home". This recent lack of communication just has me overanalyzing every aspect of our relationship and it feels horrible.

She DID tell you she was on a business trip. In that scenario, I'd leave it up to her whether to text while she's on it or not. She may have every minute scheduled and have people with her constantly and be exhausted at night.

July 21, 2019

In your title you referred to her as girl you're casually dating. The implication is that it is casual by your choice. If someone wanted something more, they'd do something about it.

You say you want to see more of her. But how? as friends? If not as friends then there needs to be a spark then a little fire. There needs to be talk of romance not just talking about her problems. Otherwise you're just a friend.

Right now the whole thing is just idling. You need to put it in gear. I have the feeling that somewhere along the line you started to believe that if you gave her an ultimatum she'll end the whole thing. And that may be exactly what would happen. But there's no point hanging around going nowhere.

July 21, 2019

Social withdrawal is the most common telltale sign of depression.
Depressed people tend to pull away from others and shut down.

which depression?? situational or clinical?

July 21, 2019

In your title you referred to her as girl you're casually dating. The implication is that it is casual by your choice. If someone wanted something more, they'd do something about it.
You say you want to see more of her. But how? as friends? If not as friends then there needs to be a spark then a little fire. There needs to be talk of romance not just talking about her problems. Otherwise you're just a friend.
Right now the whole thing is just idling. You need to put it in gear. I have the feeling that somewhere along the line you started to believe that if you gave her an ultimatum she'll end the whole thing. And that may be exactly what would happen. But there's no point hanging around going nowhere.

I have to admit you basically read my mind with the line I highlighted. This has been a concern of mine for sometime and is something that I am debating doing the next time I go to see her. I just wonder what her reaction will be and I can't imagine it being a civil one with her delicate temperament.

Edited July 21, 2019 by igloovik

July 21, 2019

I know. But I have been trying so hard to make time for this person. I would have no problem seeing her at least once a week even with my schedule. But it typically takes me several attempts to find a time she is willing to go out and she typically never likes to make any plans in advance (hence why I am worried what she will say tomm). She has given me valid and legitimate sounding reasons every time she has said she is not available to meet (physically in another place, upcoming exam, etc) but it just still has me very worried. I try to ask her out no more than twice a week because I don't want to come across as being too needy. I can really see this going places if I can get her to spend more time with me, but I just want to make sure I don't screw things up due to my emotions.

She doesn't sound all that interested. I know you like, but if I were you, I'd start dating other women. Don't take bread crumbs from someone. Find a woman who is interested in seeing you and makes time for you.

July 21, 2019

Sometimes we meet a potential love interest in the wrong stage of our lives and that is what is happening with you. If she is worth it you are going quit working so many hours and use that time to develop a relationship.

Since you are not talking about modifying your work habits, I think you've made your choice so quit torturing yourself and let her go.

You can keep in casual contact with her over time and maybe rekindle the interest at some later date when you are satisfactorily entrenched in your occupation and both of you are free to do so. Maybe then you can provide the attention necessary to participate in a proper relationship.

Then again, maybe she'll be working 60 hours week. It's your choice.

Best Wishes

July 21, 2019

Sounds to me like you both prioritise work over building a relationship. It's never going to get off the ground at this rate.

Also, you asked her if she arrived at her destination OK. Do you have any reason to believe she didn't arrive safely? Perhaps instead ask if she arrived, ask how the trip is going. Checking in to see if I arrived OK is what my mum does.

July 21, 2019

Assuming she actually responds to me tomm and I do end up seeing her next week, is this something I should mention to her in person? Should I call her out for not responding and say that this is not acceptable to me? Should I try to suggest that she make more of an effort to see each other more? Should I say that I am concerned/have doubts about her level of interest? I don't want to come across as being too needy or intrusive but this situation really has be confused on how to progress/what to say. It is really hurting me and making it hard for me to focus on other things. Any input would be very appreciated.

You cannot manufacture interest, nor can you call anyone out for not showing it. It is either there or its not.

Unless she is literally depressed and can't be bothered doing anything, I guess she is just not feeling it.

You have not seen each other often enough to build a bond so she goes off to her meeting and does not feel the need to check in with you, even considering it would take her literally seconds to shoot off a quick text... you are not important enough to her, for her to make the effort.

Most, especially women like to know where a relationship is headed, you do not have time to date and neither does she, plus she has her own issues, so it is headed nowhere. I guess she just realised that.

July 21, 2019

If she's into you she will not only find the time but make the time to meet and talk. Right now I get the impression your relationship is on auto-pilot and the reality is that you're still in the honeymoon phase so sparks should be flying, you should be talking and seeing each other often and none of that seems to be happening.

I agree with Elaine. Women usually want to know where a relationship is headed (sooner rather then later). Right now it doesn't seem like she's interested but there may have been a time when she was looking for more of a commitment from you before getting more invested emotionally.

At this point, I'd think you either walk away or have the talk, but don't give any ultimatums.

July 21, 2019

Sometimes we meet a potential love interest in the wrong stage of our lives and that is what is happening with you. If she is worth it you are going quit working so many hours and use that time to develop a relationship.

Since you are not talking about modifying your work habits, I think you've made your choice so quit torturing yourself and let her go.

You can keep in casual contact with her over time and maybe rekindle the interest at some later date when you are satisfactorily entrenched in your occupation and both of you are free to do so. Maybe then you can provide the attention necessary to participate in a proper relationship.

Then again, maybe she'll be working 60 hours week. It's your choice.

Best Wishes

I think I may have given the wrong impression earlier. Even though I am working a lot, I have been trying very hard to make time for her. I invite her out once or twice a week but there is always something else she needs to do. I already have made her a priority in my life and she has said the same about me. The only thing is, I am worried where exactly I rank in her list considering that she has been unable to make time for me lately. I should also mention that she did say she wanted to take things slow on one of our dates, so this is why I have not been too pushy with things romantically. Nonetheless, although we have never had sex, we have gotten close to it and I think/hope she at least has some feelings towards me. I am just afraid to bring it up with her but perhaps this is something I need to do?

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Girl I am casually dating is not responding while on a business trip. Feeling hurt.

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