Sam2020 Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 I'll preface this by saying that I generally do not go on second dates unless I feel a real connection with the person. I know me and I know that if I don't feel anything whatsoever on the first date, I'm not ever going to. I know this from experience. So my friends have all encouraged me to go on at least two dates with each guy. They say "you never know", he might turn out to be fantastic on the second or third date. I disagree, at least for myself. I've done second dates before OLD came into existence and it's never turned into anything if there's no chemistry on the first date. EVER. So I went on a date with this guy who is super nice, felt comfortable with him from the get go. But there was no chemistry, nothing but friend vibe on my part. Thought I'd give it a second try and went out with him again, still nothing on my part but friend vibe. I tried to pay for the dinner and he refused to allow me to do so. Said he would never allow that. He is totally smitten with me and has complimented me from the get go. He's asked when we can go out again and I told him that I'd get back to him. Quite honestly, I think it wouldn't serve either of us any good to go out on another date. I hate hurting his feelings. He's been a true old fashioned gentleman. He's quite fun and interesting but again, it's all friend vibe for me. I hate simply messaging him but I don't want to go out again since it would only end with me saying thanks but no thanks. Suggestions on what I can message him?
JEG88 Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Something along the lines that he's a gentleman and you've had a good time with him, but you don't feel that "it" spark between you. That it wouldn't be fair to you or him to keep trying, and that you should go your separate ways. Thank you, next... 2
mortensorchid Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 I think people like honesty when it comes to this situation. I have been in situations with people where say I went out with them through OLD. The guy was alright, I could not tell his level of interest from when we were physically together, and I told these guys "I had a nice time (the other day, night, etc.). But I feel that you and I are not a very good match. I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for." Only one wrote back saying a polite decline message, others may have read them but never responded. Of late, since the advent of texting, just recently, I sent two texts (one was a friend the other was after a 2nd OLD) where they didn't respond. An hour or so later I texted both of them again saying "I take it by your silence that you are not interested in pursuing things any further. Best wishes and godspeed." No responses from either. Of course if the guy was completely rude and actually walked away from me after the OLD was over (and that has happened) I don't respond to them at all. But in your case, say something like I said above. I'm sure he'll be okay with that in the long run.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 (edited) Something along the lines of I think you're a good person and it was good to go out with you those two times. I enjoyed talking about X and Y (you can be specific as long as you are sincere). But I have to be honest and say that I don't feel there's romantic chemistry between us and I'm not interested in going out any more. I wish you luck. That's the best soft way of putting it. Go ahead and say that. That's an honorable thing to say. It's uncomfortable, but giving people a real reason is helpful for them ... otherwise, they'll make up some crazier story to explain your loss of interest. Also, this is how most people learn to get better at sensing chemistry ... The other person tells them they didn't feel it ... and people (if they want) can update their radar to better sense when the other person is really interested. Just so you know: you don't want to be nasty or petty ... but honestly stating disinterest in going further is as easy as you can make this. And just to be clear. Don't confuse the heartbreak of being dumped by someone you've dated for several years or been married to (that will surely hurt) ... with the disappointment or momentary feeling of being bummed at someone not wanting a third date. It's a different as a scrape of the knee vs. a broken back. Edited July 20, 2019 by Lotsgoingon
rightondude Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Something along the lines of I think you're a good person and it was good to go out with you those two times. I enjoyed talking about X and Y (you can be specific as long as you are sincere). But I have to be honest and say that I don't feel there's romantic chemistry between us and I'm not interested in going out any more. I wish you luck. That's the best soft way of putting it. Go ahead and say that. That's an honorable thing to say. It's uncomfortable, but giving people a real reason is helpful for them ... otherwise, they'll make up some crazier story to explain your loss of interest. Also, this is how most people learn to get better at sensing chemistry ... The other person tells them they didn't feel it ... and people (if they want) can update their radar to better sense when the other person is really interested. if you say this you are 99% more honest than most people, but yeah, this would be best. Expect a push back on whatever you say (this is why most people just ghost and be done with it). I think the best answer that works without much pushback would be one where you say "I have something else going on; I really liked hanging out with you but I think I am going to keep my options open." ... no one wants to her that but they also understand if they are single. They may try again to get you to go out but they likely won't fight you on it, and it doesn't "cut" personally. If they do fight you on it you know they're some psycho clinger and you're better off anyway.
Gretchen12 Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 If you've been dating since before OLD came into existence, I don't see how you would not know what to do. He is not that delicate! He'll live without you. Every woman has a system of turning down men, sometimes at a first meeting, sometimes after a few dates. Surely you have turned down nice men at least a few dozen times in your lifetime. How come you don't know how to do this? Don't worry about the "smitten" part, it's never as serious as you might think. None of us are that special. He'll be smitten with a new woman soon enough.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Be up front. Tell him that you had a nice date, but you aren't interested. Rejecting someone is really difficult, but much then lying to them and leading them on.
spiritedaway2003 Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Something along the lines that he's a gentleman and you've had a good time with him, but you don't feel that "it" spark between you. That it wouldn't be fair to you or him to keep trying, and that you should go your separate ways. Thank you, next... ^^^ second that. It's going to sting a bit, but honestly is the best policy. I wouldn't want to waste my time on someone if I know that person isn't interested.
OatsAndHall Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Keep it short, polite and honest: "Thank you for taking me out; you're a nice guy. But, I'm just not interested in you romantically." Personally, I would avoid "friend" talk as he might just jump right into the Friend-Zone in hopes that he'll be able to woo you from there.
schlumpy Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Sam, You seem to have quite a bit of experience dating and this situation must have come up many times in the past and have managed to break it off without to much problem. It seems to me that there something different this time. This guy had more to offer and yet not enough to check all your boxes. You don't want to hurt him which says to me "more than friends." Somehow he got his foot in door with you. What was it you liked about him that is making you take a softer tone as you reach for the switch to jettison him from your life. Best Wishes 1
Author Sam2020 Posted July 20, 2019 Author Posted July 20, 2019 If you've been dating since before OLD came into existence, I don't see how you would not know what to do. He is not that delicate! He'll live without you. Every woman has a system of turning down men, sometimes at a first meeting, sometimes after a few dates. Surely you have turned down nice men at least a few dozen times in your lifetime. How come you don't know how to do this? Don't worry about the "smitten" part, it's never as serious as you might think. None of us are that special. He'll be smitten with a new woman soon enough. Sam, You seem to have quite a bit of experience dating and this situation must have come up many times in the past and have managed to break it off without to much problem. It seems to me that there something different this time. This guy had more to offer and yet not enough to check all your boxes. You don't want to hurt him which says to me "more than friends." Somehow he got his foot in door with you. What was it you liked about him that is making you take a softer tone as you reach for the switch to jettison him from your life. Best Wishes Sure I've had plenty of experience, but that was well over 20 years ago. I'm a different person from back when I was an active single. On top of that, I rarely went on a second date unless I actually sensed a connection. And my instincts were always right. The only connection I felt with this guy is friendship. He is just so nice and I wanted to take the advice of friends who felt I should give myself at least two opportunities to see if it could turn into something more. Had I listened to my own instincts, he would have been a one date guy. I think I've turned soft in my "old" age, lol. Friends...they mean well but I know ME better than anyone else! Keep it short, polite and honest: "Thank you for taking me out; you're a nice guy. But, I'm just not interested in you romantically." Personally, I would avoid "friend" talk as he might just jump right into the Friend-Zone in hopes that he'll be able to woo you from there. Yeah, I was actually thinking of saying we could be friends but I think that should be out. 2
smackie9 Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Oh please don't say he's a "nice guy"....he knows that. Just say you had a nice date, but you are not interested in him romantically. Wish him all the best. 1
Author Sam2020 Posted July 20, 2019 Author Posted July 20, 2019 Oh please don't say he's a "nice guy"....he knows that. Just say you had a nice date, but you are not interested in him romantically. Wish him all the best. Lol, no I would never tell a guy he's "a nice guy but". It's too cliche.
Gretchen12 Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Rejecting men that you are not romantically interested in, is not being mean or harsh. Act of turning down a man, in itself has no malice or denunciation, and that is why when done with sincerity it comes across sensible and it goes smoothly. It has nothing to do with you being soft hearted or not. My guess is you feel guilt because you went on that second date pretty much knowing it wasn't going to work out. And he probably paid for the second date, and while he was paying and being so kind, you already knew you won't be seeing him. Had you turned him down after the first date, you wouldn't be asking us how to do this, because you've done it before. I say what's done is done (the second date), and just tell him what you usually say to the other nice men that you've turned down after the first date. Should be your own words, that's being sincere.
preraph Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Don't leave him any room to hope. Just say, "It was nice meeting you and you are a nice guy, but I'm just not feeling a connection." And do NOT say "let's be friends" and do NOT let him talk you into just being friends and then orbiting you and messing up your dating life.
preraph Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Also, since your friends are involved, think about if any of them have more in common or might be more attracted to him than you are and offer to set them up.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 It's interesting that you went on a second date on the advice of friends. Friends can be sharp about us and relationships. They can notice things that we're blind to in the early stage of infatuation. But friends can also be incredibly dumb in advising us. I once had a friend insist that I should delay breaking up with someone because this person was moving across the country. He said I shouldn't disrupt her trip. Completely dumb. This person was causing me misery--wasn't my business to worry about whether breaking up would "disrupt" her trip. I foolishly followed my friend's advice. As it happened, I later learned she really was debating dumping me before the trip. She dumped me soon after.
greymatter Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 You can say that you enjoyed the dates but that the two of you are not a romantic match, and wish him all the best. To me, that is kinder and more neutral than saying he is not a romantic match for you. 1
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