harnold Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 (edited) Idk if im reading too far into this but here goes: Theres a girl from the gym who I like. Met her in May, we talk at the gym, exchanged numbers, I tried to make plans but she was “busy”. I know she’s attracted to me, but I also think she views me as some player dude and was a bit apprehensive to hang out (to be fair, I can be a douche sometimes esp when I just meet someone… call it a defense mechanism) Anyway, I laid low for a while, and we recently started talking again. I’ve been more open around her (less douchey/more open/vulnerable), and she’s responded very favorably, and differently than before… even hinting towards plans. I had planned on asking her out again next time I saw her (I dont like text invites). Anyway, today, she saw another girl talking to me (who is younger and very attractive, but who ive known for years as a friend), and I’m not so sure how the girl I like responded to this. She kept walking past us, not looking, and working out in front of us and glaring at us (which she never does). I waved to her later and she gave me a somewhat b*tchy smile/look, and I tried to catch her on her way out but she blew me off. I could tell she was a bit nervous too. I’m sure I’m reading too far into this, but there was prob a tad of jealousy at play. Should I assure her next time I see her that this girl is “just a friend”? (The girl I like did something similar a few weeks ago when I saw her talking to another dude, and she came up to me after and explained how that guy that approached her was “just a friend”) Is this bad? Could it be good? Fixed? Am I just nutty? Thoughts please! Edited July 18, 2019 by harnold
malaiyas Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 She's threatened and a bit miffed about the whole situation, it seems. I think she was projecting a bit of her own insecurity onto you when she reassured you that the other guy was just a friend. Really, just pause to think on that one for a moment, because it's actually a bit ridiculous. Neither of you owe the other anything, least of all right now. I do think you've exhibited good progress in "toning down the doucheyness" but I don't think she's returned the favor, since she's clearly very insecure. If this were to work out between you two, would both of you be expected to never speak to a member of the opposite sex, ever again? In any case, years ago, I once did pretty much exactly this to a guy (different circumstances, but they led to very similar behavior). He called me right out on my **** hours later (via Facebook Messenger, if I'm not mistaken) and we ended up smoothing it over. I think that's possible for you here -- she wouldn't have acted like that if she didn't actually like you, I'm pretty sure.
Author harnold Posted July 19, 2019 Author Posted July 19, 2019 She's threatened and a bit miffed about the whole situation, it seems. I think she was projecting a bit of her own insecurity onto you when she reassured you that the other guy was just a friend. Really, just pause to think on that one for a moment, because it's actually a bit ridiculous. Neither of you owe the other anything, least of all right now. I do think you've exhibited good progress in "toning down the doucheyness" but I don't think she's returned the favor, since she's clearly very insecure. If this were to work out between you two, would both of you be expected to never speak to a member of the opposite sex, ever again? In any case, years ago, I once did pretty much exactly this to a guy (different circumstances, but they led to very similar behavior). He called me right out on my **** hours later (via Facebook Messenger, if I'm not mistaken) and we ended up smoothing it over. I think that's possible for you here -- she wouldn't have acted like that if she didn't actually like you, I'm pretty sure. Thanks for the response. I do plan on calling her out on it (not attacking of course) I'd prefer to do it in person, but I may not run into her until next week. Cool if I just do it then? Or would you text her sooner
Author harnold Posted July 19, 2019 Author Posted July 19, 2019 If this were to work out between you two, would both of you be expected to never speak to a member of the opposite sex, ever again? Not at all, but given the impression she may have of me, I could understand it contributing to her misinterpretation of me (the whole lack of trust thing)
damni Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Not at all, but given the impression she may have of me, I could understand it contributing to her misinterpretation of me (the whole lack of trust thing) She likes you but is wary due to your past behaviour of being a douche. How old are you both? I am 29 and I could not be bothered with the pettiness and game playing from you both.
Flame Aura Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 I'm not sure why you think you need to assure her of anything. Nothing wrong with talking to another girl, you don't owe her an explanation, you don't even know each other really. If she brings it up then yea sure say it's just a friend, otherwise there is no need. If you want to wait till you see her to ask her out then it's up to you, but again I don't see the point - that's just risking another guy asking her out before then. You clearly both have some sort of interest in each other, you have exchanged numbers, just ask her out.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Idk if im reading too far into this but here goes: Theres a girl from the gym who I like. Met her in May, we talk at the gym, exchanged numbers, I tried to make plans but she was “busy”. I know she’s attracted to me, but I also think she views me as some player dude and was a bit apprehensive to hang out (to be fair, I can be a douche sometimes esp when I just meet someone… call it a defense mechanism) Anyway, I laid low for a while, and we recently started talking again. I’ve been more open around her (less douchey/more open/vulnerable), and she’s responded very favorably, and differently than before… even hinting towards plans. I had planned on asking her out again next time I saw her (I dont like text invites). Anyway, today, she saw another girl talking to me (who is younger and very attractive, but who ive known for years as a friend), and I’m not so sure how the girl I like responded to this. She kept walking past us, not looking, and working out in front of us and glaring at us (which she never does). I waved to her later and she gave me a somewhat b*tchy smile/look, and I tried to catch her on her way out but she blew me off. I could tell she was a bit nervous too. I’m sure I’m reading too far into this, but there was prob a tad of jealousy at play. Should I assure her next time I see her that this girl is “just a friend”? (The girl I like did something similar a few weeks ago when I saw her talking to another dude, and she came up to me after and explained how that guy that approached her was “just a friend”) Is this bad? Could it be good? Fixed? Am I just nutty? Thoughts please! She has no right to be upset. You asked to hang out and she declined. She has no right to be upset and you can talk to whoever the heck you want. Who cares if there is jealousy? She isn't showing interest by accepting your invitations, so you are free to talk to/date etc w/whoever you want. 1
basil67 Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 When you were talking to your old friend, it was rude to not acknowledge the new girl when she was coming by. "hey, new girl - how are you? New girl, this is old friend. Old friend, this is new girl" I'm afraid that not giving this basic courtesy just underscored your reputation as a player dude 3
Author harnold Posted July 19, 2019 Author Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) When you were talking to your old friend, it was rude to not acknowledge the new girl when she was coming by. "hey, new girl - how are you? New girl, this is old friend. Old friend, this is new girl" I'm afraid that not giving this basic courtesy just underscored your reputation as a player dude But it can be fixed? I would have gladly introduced them. Not like I totally blew off new girl... she went out of her way to show me that she was ignoring me (kind of rude on her behalf if you ask me, as she's introduced herself into my male-male convos before without hesitation). Edited July 19, 2019 by harnold
schlumpy Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Neither owe each anything unless you want to and it appears you do. Your feelings for each other are stronger than you want to admit. You just forced the next step in the relationship. If you let her emotionally stew in her last encounter with you than she will have a lot of time to re-evaluate her feelings which more then likely will not be in your favor. Call or text and let her know you wanted to avoid any misunderstanding. You'll probably have to reveal that you like her more than you'd like her to know at this stage but that's the price you pay. Ask for the date as make-up and to measure where she is on the "like me/like me not" scale. I think if you wait the week it cuts your chances of success. Best Wishes
PRW Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 This sounds like high school kids playing hide and seek. What age group are we talking about? Everyone involved here is screwing up left and right,...but if we are talking about young inexperience people then it is expected. So if it is young people, then just stand back, watch the show, learn from it, and get better next time.
smackie9 Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 She might be b&^^%$ about it but it does bring up your value. Her seeing you talking to another is competition and it lets her know who's actually in the driver's seat. Don't call her out on it, act as tho nothing happened, be confident. Never ever knowledge or give a response to her reaction. She will be upset for a few days but as soon as you give her some attention things will settle down. If she gives you the cold shoulder, that should tell you she would be trouble in a relationship....best to stay away. 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 You're being nutty and this whole things sounds a bit ridiculous. As far as I see it, you did nothing wrong apart from talk to another girl. The girl you like may have very well have been jealous but that's on HER not you. She's clearly insecure which, for me, is already a turn off especially when there is no basis for it. You do what you want but personally, I wouldn't bother feeding into her insecurity by clarifying who the other girl was to you. You're not a couple or even been on date yet for heaven's sake so you owe her nothing apart from doing what you've been doing. Good luck.
elaine567 Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 She saw you as a player and blew you off, you showed her your better side and she softened towards you, Then she saw you schmoozing with this younger fitter model and she got annoyed and jealous as she liked you. Now she probably sees you as a player again... or a jerk trying to make her jealous with this other woman... If you want to date her you will have to make amends and fast, if not, then leave her alone. 2
alphamale Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 She might be b&^^%$ about it but it does bring up your value. Her seeing you talking to another is competition and it lets her know who's actually in the driver's seat. Don't call her out on it, act as tho nothing happened, be confident. Never ever knowledge or give a response to her reaction. She will be upset for a few days but as soon as you give her some attention things will settle down. If she gives you the cold shoulder, that should tell you she would be trouble in a relationship....best to stay away. smackie9 hit the nail on the head 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 You don't want to walk through life anticipating or worrying or thinking I'm talking to a woman in a gym (a public place with people all around) ... oh s**t, she (other woman) is watching. I have to fix this and clear up any misconceptions. Dude that is prison. Really do you want to date someone who makes faces? Seriously? Worrying about someone else seeing you "talking" to someone ... that's middle school or elementary school. You want to date someone who has enough confidence to not freak out over you being seen interacting with another woman. And you want to have enough confidence and prudence to avoid dating someone without such confidence. She's way too much in your head. Lose her. 1
Trail Blazer Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 She might be b&^^%$ about it but it does bring up your value. Her seeing you talking to another is competition and it lets her know who's actually in the driver's seat. Don't call her out on it, act as tho nothing happened, be confident. Never ever knowledge or give a response to her reaction. She will be upset for a few days but as soon as you give her some attention things will settle down. If she gives you the cold shoulder, that should tell you she would be trouble in a relationship....best to stay away. Nailed it. I've got nothing to add. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 When you were talking to your old friend, it was rude to not acknowledge the new girl when she was coming by. "hey, new girl - how are you? New girl, this is old friend. Old friend, this is new girl" I'm afraid that not giving this basic courtesy just underscored your reputation as a player dude Totally^^^ you are absolutely under no OBLIGATION to let her know what's going on or explain things to her but if she's been worried you are a player and sees this then it hurts the progress you've made in gaining her trust with your specific interest in HER, to the point where she can see dating you. This is a situation where you can choose to be right or you can choose to do what is best for the quality and progression of your relationship with her. If you want to date her, go for the latter. Btw, I don't think you should "call her out" on it (i'm guessing you mean dirty looks and blanking you as she left). I think you should use "soft" tactics if you discuss that (which I don't see anything wrong with). I also think you should approach explaining things with her subtly not like you "need" to explain just that you are slipping it in the conversation. It's an unwritten thing that I know I've seen. I'm not explaining well right now but you sound savvy so hopefully you know what I'm talking about. I think it's good that you've been being vulnerable with her & this is along those same lines. And should have positive outcome same as being vulnerable has. Good luck 1
Versacehottie Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 I do agree with smackie that it has upped your value, even when/if she finds out it was a friend. I'd be a little worried about her maturity level or that she stonewalls when things aren't going her way. I guess this all really depends on how close you've gotten lately. But until she says yes to a date, all is technically fair so she needs to grow up a bit about that.
elaine567 Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Surely it depends on how she feels about him showing off his hot female "friend" as to whether his value goes up or down. If she has downgraded him to player or jerk or someone she would never now date then how can that be an increase in his value? "Making her jealous" works with some women, to others it is a complete turn off. He hasn't yet sealed the deal, IMO he needs to try to impress not play games with her emotions...
Versacehottie Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 I'm presuming her interest was increasing and they were getting to a good place as the OP said. Also she was angry, so she is emotionally moved by seeing him talk to another girl, which means she cares. I agree some girls will cut it off totally at that point. OP, wasn't dating some other girl; he was talking to his friend. Not advocating that he uses making anyone jealous as a tactic, it's just what happened through no fault of his own. That she is trying to play hard to get and acting like he's still in her back pocket is not on him. I actually think (through familiar stories) that this will get them to where they are going much faster than they were going. It's a shake up, even if it was unintentional. If she's never gonna date him, that will come out shortly. If she was gonna date him, that will come out shortly. Her need to make a decision has most likely been speeded up by this. It's possible that they are both immature and she has trust issues that are triggered by his general vibe. That doesn't mean they will go away. Anytime you see someone you have interest in interacting with another person it affects what you think of that person. I agree with smackie, his value will go up.
ChatroomHero Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 I would say not to address something that is only in your mind at this point. You think she was glaring, you think she was miffed, you think...responding preemptively to explain why you were doing nothing wrong, is silly. You're assuming things and then wanting to, in a sense, apologize or justify talking to someone else. I wouldn't give it a second thought. I'd just carry on and forget about it and interact with her normally. 1
preraph Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Considering she was lukewarm in the beginning and not a believer, you actually may have now fallen in her estimation. Really, you need to just ask her out and stop acting like a jerk like you said you sometimes do. 1
crispytoast Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 This is something that I'm not sure has been said. If you go out of your way to assure her that the girl is "just a friend" that can actually make you appear more as a player. Then she may wonder if you would tell the other girl that she is "just a friend" were the roles reversed. I speak of this from experience. Actions speak louder than words. Just ask her out already!
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