max3732 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Met someone from OLD today for lunch for about 1.5 hours. Before hand I went over her profile and our conversation and had a bunch of things I wanted to ask her about or discuss with her. Met her at the restaurant and she gave me her cheek. We sat down next to each other and she said she started talking about how she'd been here before and the went on to other places she likes and also interjected little things about herself like "when I lived in X during college there was this place..." Also said things like "working as an X I deal with XYZ". Basically the only thing I said was to briefly stop to ask questions, share similar experiences, or answer a few questions she asked me like the typical "what do you do" and about my favorite restaurant. It seemed like the conversation flowed pretty naturally, but if you had a clock on I'd say she did 95% of the talking. I also didn't want to interrupt her to ask one of the questions I prepared so there are still a lot of things about her I don't know. My impression of her was that she's beautiful, extremely smart, well traveled, athletic etc. Honestly, during the 1st few seconds when I looked at her after sitting down I thought to myself "could you imagine being able to kiss her?". She also seemed a bit arrogant and kind of like a princess type person. Her body language was pretty casual and she was leaning back, forward, and one time started laughing at something she was saying. For the millionth time I was afraid to touch her in any way during the date, but also don't think I came across as nervous or insecure. I just sat there with rapt attention on her for 1.5 hours as she went on and on. By the end I was actually pretty tired. When I walked her to her car I said something like "we'll have to do this again" and she said definitely. There was another OLD where I could tell in 10 seconds she didn't like me at all. Here I don't know how to tell. How should I follow this up?
shydad Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 How would you say this date went/what can I do better? ... How should I follow this up? Hi max3732, it sounds like it went well. I'm not reading about any problems. She likes to talk, and you're a good listener. I'm sure you'll have plenty of time to ask your questions later, and wouldn't worry about that. You should follow this up in the standard manner, by calling her tonight, telling her what a good time you had, and asking her out on another date for a week later.
spiderowl Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Did you like it that she did all the talking? It didn't give her much chance to get to know you. She presumably didn't ask much. She sounds self-centred to me.
Author max3732 Posted July 18, 2019 Author Posted July 18, 2019 Did you like it that she did all the talking? It didn't give her much chance to get to know you. She presumably didn't ask much. She sounds self-centred to me. Well I liked that there were no awkward silences and that the conversation flowed smoothly. I was pretty tired going in and felt a bit sleepy at the end, but did everything I could to pay attention and stay engaged. Generally I like to do slightly less talking than the other person, but don't enjoy having someone talk nonstop anymore than having someone who won't say anything. I don't know if I should read her lack of questions about me as a lack of interest or not. I also didn't know if she mentioned something unique about her for 1 second within a long story if she expected me to interrupt her to ask about it. The physical connection is still driving me crazy. It just seems so unnatural for me to reach over and touch her in the middle of a conversation or put my arm on her back as we're walking. With her I'd really have to spend more time with her to judge if she's someone I want to date.
preraph Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 You're just not comfortable enough to touch. If that continues, she's not right for you. But she's outgoing, so maybe she'll initiate touching your arm or shoulder or something. As far as people not asking questions to get to know you, not everyone even knows they should do that. Some people are afraid to ask what a guy does for a living for fear of seeming mercenary, for example. Of course, at any time you can interject when she's talking about her work or restaurants and tell her what you do for a living or ask what part of town she works in and tell her where you work.
Gretchen12 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 You only need to ask yourself, did the date go well for YOU, and what can she do better. Don't sell yourself short everytime a pretty face comes along. It actually didn't sound like you had a good time. But don't be too quick to judge. She may have talked too much because she was nervous meeting a stranger. Just follow up as matter of fact and see if she's different on date two.
alphamale Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 don't sit next to each other, sit across from her if you can....this way you can look in her eyes and evaluate her body language when you parted ways you should just say "i'll call you next week" without regard to what she says and don't ask her if you can see her again. then...call her next week and then you'll have your answer. putting some one on the spot is not nice. oh, and try to do more talking, convos are two way streets
alphamale Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 just saw post #4 max....generally her not asking questions about you is not a good sign, but you never know, maybe she's just a chatty cathy
Author max3732 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Posted July 19, 2019 just saw post #4 max....generally her not asking questions about you is not a good sign, but you never know, maybe she's just a chatty cathy What's funny is that this was kind of the opposite of the woman who I knew right away didn't like me. That conversation had no flow at all and was like an interrogation. Where are you from, what do you do for work, etc. This one just seemed to go on forever. If I didn't interrupt her to say something she'd probably just talk the whole time. Maybe she was nervous too? One other thing that she said quickly was when I asked her about something that she had was that she said it was a present from her ex. So I don't know if she got out of a relationship recently or not. I've always heard to not pry about her ex so I didn't pursue it.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 So she did 95 percent of the talking--major red flag, long term and immediate. She's acting completely self-centered ... and you let yourself fall into a passive mode in response to her superficially charming talk. Think of some golden-tongued salesman who knows how to charm while attempting to rip you off. You can acknowledge the pull and power of the salesman's pitch ... while knowing that it is b.s. and that you aren't going to sign up for some rip-off deal. This woman was like one of those salesman. The most important question after a date is, how do YOU feel?! A good date leaves YOU feeling wonderful, feeling acknowledged, feeling seen, feeling like the object of curiosity and affection. Frankly, if you have to ask, then it wasn't a great date. So really this was a bad date ... it was a deceptively pleasant bad date ... because she knows how to fill up dinner time with her superficial stories. And ... for the future, you do NOT want to try to kiss this person. At the end of a date like this, if she offers to split the bill or pay, this is one of those situations where I'd say, "sure." Paying fully for this kind of date, after remaining silent for 95 percent of the time, is really not treating yourself well. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) Hi Max! It's a little difficult to say because dating attraction is so fickle, like this could go either way; it's 50/50. I'd have to say whatever happens you are improving--probably not fast enough for your liking or since you are "in" it probably small gains you don't notice as much. TBD, hard to tell if she is self-centered or just trying to sell herself to you or if she was just going with the vibe you put out and put up with that it's ok for her to talk more. I think that you are asking questions is good. If you plan on seeing her again and again, there will be time for you to get to your side of things. I think you should just be careful that a pattern isn't established where it's "all about her" and you are just a supporting player or a fan. I'm kind of leaning a little to the side that this might not go much further. I think if you were honest with yourself the undertone I'm getting from you is that YOU might not be that interested in it going further--even though you want to "do well" at dating in general. Am I right? Ok as far as you getting better and getting to the physical part. I think you come off here as a bit more serious and kind of studious (though that is not the right word). Dating is not an exchange of info and that's probably why you aren't getting to the stage where it feels ok to touch. It's like you are conducting a romantic interview and never truly break the ice. Try to "go off" script or from exchanging back and forth. Take the conversation onto tangents that don't seem logical. Try funny and flirty (not trying too hard, just being yourself but in that vibe). These are the things that draw people to you. When people can be genuine. I like seeing your posts; I keep hoping the best for you because I can tell you are a good guy. I think you just go about it a little stiff and too nervous. Try saying f*ck it and throw a little more caution to the wind. It can't hurt. Good luck. Edited July 19, 2019 by Versacehottie 1
OatsAndHall Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 just saw post #4 max....generally her not asking questions about you is not a good sign, but you never know, maybe she's just a chatty cathy This is something that I agree with but it'll take time to feel her out. Some people are just naturally chatty and I'm one of them. It can be easy for me to take over a conversation if I'm not careful. But, I do so by asking questions questions any time I feel like I'm dominating the conversation. She honestly might have been nervous and showing it through talking continually. Or she might be self-absorbed and has no interest in what you have to say. I've dated all three personality types and you'll only figure it out with a couple more dates. The woman that I am currently seeing takes over conversations continually but she knows that she does it, catches herself and chills out. On the bright side, she's intelligent and insightful and we've had some fantastic conversations. On the downside, if she doesn't catch herself, I either have to interject or just let that song play its way out of the juke box.. On a final note, don't let her attractiveness blind you to any red flags that might pop up. 2
alphamale Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 On a final note, don't let her attractiveness blind you to any red flags that might pop up. indeed OAH, good looking people tend to get away with a lot more than their more homely cousins... 1
rightondude Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 I'd chalk this up as a win. Some people just like to talk a lot and I'm happy to let them. As long as you are involved in the conversation at some level, it's OK. Don't be an interviewer, but if you ask the right questions they will enjoy talking more about themselves. Don't just ask "yes or nos" but ask questions that make them think. In fact you can use these questions to state stuff about yourself. ex: "for me hiking the matterhorn was the coolest thing ever, but where have you been that took your breath away?" OK that was kinda lame but you get the picture... Good job dude! Ask her out again soon! 1
spiritedaway2003 Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Go on a second date, and see if she still talks as much. You may find that you're fine with it, or not. Good luck.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Did you like it that she did all the talking? It didn't give her much chance to get to know you. She presumably didn't ask much. She sounds self-centred to me. I second this. I think there should be an even amount of talking. From experience someone who blabs on about themselves the whole time (men or women), they tend to be very narcissistic.
JEG88 Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 I second this. I think there should be an even amount of talking. From experience someone who blabs on about themselves the whole time (men or women)' date=' they tend to be very narcissistic.[/quote'] Thirded. Even as an intense introvert, if I like someone and get along with them, eventually the conversations will even out over time. I tend to lean towards being more of a listener, so it's probably 40-60 but it should feel like a natural balance. OP, I would see how a second date goes. If it's the same with the woman dominating the conversation, it's just a sign of things to come. Have to decide for yourself if you're okay with that.
Versacehottie Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 I'd chalk this up as a win. Some people just like to talk a lot and I'm happy to let them. As long as you are involved in the conversation at some level, it's OK. Don't be an interviewer, but if you ask the right questions they will enjoy talking more about themselves. Don't just ask "yes or nos" but ask questions that make them think. In fact you can use these questions to state stuff about yourself. ex: "for me hiking the matterhorn was the coolest thing ever, but where have you been that took your breath away?" OK that was kinda lame but you get the picture... Good job dude! Ask her out again soon! Totally agree. If you handle letting them talk about themselves a lot well, typically people feel closer to you and like you "understand" them. It's one way to an edge.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Well please do update us if you see this woman again. There's clearly a split here: those like me who thinks this woman talking 95 percent is an obvious disaster ... and others, who say that yes, some people will do more talking on a first date and that's OK, as long as over time things balance out. I simply don't sense that this woman did her non-stop talking in a way that really engaged you. I also don't sense that your questions were driving her non-stop talking. That's different. Yes, active listening and questioning is fine. Anyway, love to hear an update at some point, if there is one. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Good points lotsgoingon. I agree that i am not sure that Max actually "likes" her, even though I'm undecided on what her reasoning for talking so much was or if that's a bad thing. Generally I don't like things that aren't balanced in a relationship but i'm not sure we have enough info. But yeah I do agree that in general it's poor form on her end. Though to be realistic, I notice a lot of people tend to talk about themselves in every social situation given the opportunity, if allowed. True good conversation is not a natural thing for many people. Hyper self-focused society at the moment (in U.S). But totally no reason Max needs to put up with that. Hope it works out the way he would like. 1
Author max3732 Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 Well please do update us if you see this woman again. There's clearly a split here: those like me who thinks this woman talking 95 percent is an obvious disaster ... and others, who say that yes, some people will do more talking on a first date and that's OK, as long as over time things balance out. I simply don't sense that this woman did her non-stop talking in a way that really engaged you. I also don't sense that your questions were driving her non-stop talking. That's different. Yes, active listening and questioning is fine. Anyway, love to hear an update at some point, if there is one. It's kind of hard to describe, but it felt like she was just going on and on and then I'd interrupt and say one thing and then and then she'd start talking again. I can only remember a few times where she stopped on her own and asked my opinion. I was trying to comment or ask questions when I could, but it was mostly her talking. Not sure if I posted this before, but when I was in college I went on a date with the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen before and it was absolutely miserable. Most of the time she was talking about how she banged her toe and something with her toenail. The other part she was complaining about not being able to find a job. This was nowhere near as bad I felt the conversation flowed naturally and she did actually ask about me and would sometimes say things like "you know the shop over at 40th street?" and I'd say a couple things and then she'd go into a long story about it. I'm actually traveling so won't be able to see her for about a month (I mentioned my trip in person). I sent her a text saying I enjoyed meeting her and that we should get together when I get back. Her response was that she enjoyed meeting me too. Nothing about wanting to get together. One of the good things about her talking so much is I know a lot of her interests, so I'm thinking of asking her for a low investment date when I get back. If she says no at least I tried and maybe there wasn't enough chemistry, even though she's beautiful and has a lot of the same hobbies and values as me (which we never had a chance to talk about!) 1
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Yeah she does sound on the narcissistic side or all about herself. I hope you don't let it make you feel bad. Um, it's embarrassing for her that she is not a great conversationalist or good at socializing. That said, it can be a tremendously common affliction. What sucks is in a lot of ways, even if you guys have similar interests, I think it's not enough when she plans on dealing with "you two" as if she is more important. Ugh And i would guess I would beg to differ on "values" if this is how she acts and it wasn't out of nervousness or trying to sell herself. She may say she does but doesn't actually practice them in real life. How hard is it to show some kindness and interest in a guy who is taking you on a date when you supposedly have "good values"? Just saying that what she says and what she does might be two different things. Or she is acting entitled with you. Ugh Ok leaning toward that she is not worthy (or that interested but either are you really; you just have an open mind)--mainly because of how she responded to that last text of yours. I don't think it hurts to ask her on a date when you get back. It's all experience and a learning lesson. Good luck 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 I agree with Versace. I don't see a lot in common. The most fundamental thing we can have in common is a similarity and comfort in how to relate to each other. I mean I know people who politically I seem to have a lot in common with ... and in person I have nothing in common with. Can't enjoy ten minutes with the person. I don't mean this to be harsh ... or to say that I'm right ... but I will note that her self-absorption (my term, not yours) has you playing catch-up. You're straining to build your action around her interests. You're thinking about her interests ... Still thinking about asking her out after she showed no interest in you on the date ... or in response to your text. Really, you want to pursue a second date with someone who is equally thinking about your interests, equally responding to you. I worry you're playing on her turf, fitting around her, compromising with her ... when she has displayed no particular interest in you and your interests. I've done what you're doing ... basically knocking on the door after the door has been shut in my face multiple times. Things have never worked out ... Now, if I have to knock repeatedly on the door (instead of the person enthusiastically opening the door to let me in) ... I realize there's no real chemistry there. Well, good luck on your trip. 2
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