faithandfood Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 So I met this guy last month. Because of my busy schedule, we finally met for the first time last Saturday as we watched a movie together and then talked. He held me close during the movie as it was a horror movie. We met again on Monday at a nearby park. We just went on the playground, walked, and talked. He then tried to lean in for kiss and I was so shy because I have a crush on him & he's handsome. I couldn't even look him in the face. He also kept holding my hands. I kept telling him I was scared plus I don't know what we are currently (didn't say this, but I don't know if he wants to be FWB, situationship, relationship). I just hugged him multiple times. When I got home, I clarified to him that I was shy. He said he understood. We planned to meet on Saturday, but when I reminded him yesterday, he said he don't know if he will be free. I just told him to let me know. I don't know if he took it as rejection. He knows I'm a virgin as well.
smackie9 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 He has another date pending.....it's possible he's not going to be that patient, even just to get a kiss. IMO if that is the case, you are pining for the wrong guy.
Rayce Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 If you didn't want to kiss him then I don't think he is the right one for you. A kiss should be natural... 1
Author faithandfood Posted July 18, 2019 Author Posted July 18, 2019 If you didn't want to kiss him then I don't think he is the right one for you. A kiss should be natural... I actually did, but I was scared bc I don't know what he wants. Idk if Im just another girl he's playing with. Plus he is popular too so idk want to make myself look easy 1
GorillaTheater Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 I don't know how old you guys are, but if it was me, one the one hand I'd be thinking "jeez, she's ADORABLE!" and on the other "jeez, this is going to be a lot of work". I clearly recall one time I went in for the goodnight kiss on a date and she turned her head. I thought "okay, next" because it was pretty clearly due to lack of interest, but in your case, what with all the hand-holding and hugs and your explanation, it's probably safe to say he knows that you are interested. The question now is whether he's willing to deal with your shyness. Personally, I found (inordinately) shy girls to be a little exhausting, but who knows? Maybe he's okay with moving forward regardless. 5
Rayce Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 I actually did, but I was scared bc I don't know what he wants. Idk if Im just another girl he's playing with. Plus he is popular too so idk want to make myself look easy I know your young. Kissing is natural in a dating relationship and it's ok to do lots of it. It doesn't mean that you are consenting to sex. You should be able to enjoy hugging and kissing without the fear that some guy will start pressuring you. It's ok for you to set your boundary's as to how far the "foreplay" goes or doesn't go. I did my share of kissing lots of guys that I didn't have sex with. It's part of the getting to know each other and finding out if your compatible. 2
Author faithandfood Posted July 18, 2019 Author Posted July 18, 2019 I know your young. Kissing is natural in a dating relationship and it's ok to do lots of it. It doesn't mean that you are consenting to sex. You should be able to enjoy hugging and kissing without the fear that some guy will start pressuring you. It's ok for you to set your boundary's as to how far the "foreplay" goes or doesn't go. I did my share of kissing lots of guys that I didn't have sex with. It's part of the getting to know each other and finding out if your compatible. You're right. I told him I was a virgin. He didn't make any rude comments towards it. He kept asking why I was scared but I couldn't say why. In regards to Saturday, since I already reminded him yesterday, do I contact him again that day or let him contact me since I told him to let me know?
PRW Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Shyness is not innocent and cute. It hurts you. Shyness has a price, it has a cost. I think you just paid it. Shyness is learned behavor, no one is born that way, so you have unlearn it. Introverts are born and introversion is not "shyness" although it gets mistaken for such. Guys, particularly confident guys who have options, are going to see shyness as a burden to them and an obstacle,...and eventually a point of frustration for them. They will move on.
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 He took it as a rejection or since he knows you a virgin your reluctance to kiss him make it unmistakable to him that you are not going to be a quick / easy sexual conquest. Not for nothing, but if you have only been talking a month & have gone on 2 dates why does he know something so personal about you? Do you lead with this info? 1
Author faithandfood Posted July 18, 2019 Author Posted July 18, 2019 He took it as a rejection or since he knows you a virgin your reluctance to kiss him make it unmistakable to him that you are not going to be a quick / easy sexual conquest. Not for nothing, but if you have only been talking a month & have gone on 2 dates why does he know something so personal about you? Do you lead with this info? Oh no I don't. I only told him because he was starting to kiss my neck and also kept staring at my chest. So I feel like he thought I would give it up soon.
kendahke Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 I actually did, but I was scared bc I don't know what he wants. Idk if Im just another girl he's playing with. Plus he is popular too so idk want to make myself look easy You're in the dating phase of this right now--you're trying to find out who he is and if he is indeed a good fit. You're not going to get any of that kind of information by being too afraid to speak up for yourself. That's what adults do. Children cower and hide. If you're too scared to look out for your best interests, then you're not ready to be dating. That is your heavy lift, not his or anyone else's. You tell him them upfront what your boundaries are without fear of him wanting to leave you---because get this and get this good: if he wants to leave you, be it after 3 weeks or 3 years, he's going to leave and there is nothing you can do about it. Chances are, he might be starting to see that you're high maintenance and he's really not up for that. As Gorilla Theater said, it can be exhausting stepping through the eggshells of a shy person. He might be more attracted to a woman who is confident in who she is or isn't hung up on being labeled by frenemies and you're not that woman yet. 1
preraph Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 "I don't know what we are currently." What does that mean? He isn't going to promise you the moon after two dates! And why would that mean you won't even let him kiss you? Dating is NOT any type of future commitment. Dating is no guarantee they will only date you or that they will marry you someday. Dating is simply this: Getting to know someone. That's it. That's all it is and all it's supposed to be. No man is going to commit to you in two dates and no man is going to like being rejected for a kiss for no reason. If you are attracted physically to the guy, kiss him and that can be all for awhile, and then keep dating to get to know him, but if you have no attraction, then stop dating him. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Hmm...if I had to guess I would say the hiccup has more to do with you telling this guy that you were 'scared'. That would be a turn off for anyone I think. Add to that the fact that you're shy AND a virgin, I'm sure he's questioning how he's going to navigate this with you or even if it's worth it. I agree with GorillaTheatre in that many men would see a shy girl who is also scared to be a lot more work than they want to take on. That being said, you have a right to feel as you do but I think you need to keep some things to yourself especially the "I'm scared" confession. Good luck.
basil67 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 (edited) As he's now become unavailable, I think it's fair to say that you've lost him. Even more than not being comfortable kissing, I think the lack of eye contact and inabilty to communicate would have been the killer. It's been noted that you're young, but a quick look at your history puts you at around 21yo. You're not actually that young....but your actions peg you at about 15yo. Perhaps leave off dating until you gain some confidence. Edited July 18, 2019 by basil67 4
DrNo1962 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 As he's now become unavailable, I think it's fair to say that you've lost him. Even more than not being comfortable kissing, I think the lack of eye contact and inabilty to communicate would have been the killer. It's been noted that you're young, but a quick look at your history puts you at around 21yo. You're not actually that young....but your actions peg you at about 15yo. Perhaps leave off dating until you gain some confidence. This is very good advice. OP, I suggest you unlearn some of those behaviours, particularly around self-consciousness. You need to spend time learning to love yourself and not worrying about what other people are going to think of you based on your actions. 2
Gretchen12 Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 I don't think he retreated licking his wounds. You were too skittish for his taste. Maybe he wants someone more confident, not scared.
Rayce Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 You're right. I told him I was a virgin. He didn't make any rude comments towards it. He kept asking why I was scared but I couldn't say why. In regards to Saturday, since I already reminded him yesterday, do I contact him again that day or let him contact me since I told him to let me know? In general early in the dating process I let the guy lead. If he gives me a choice about dates or places or what to do I will pick something even if I am clueless. I have found that guys like leading early and then if a dating relationship is established they tend to lean on me to make arrangements. Good luck.
schlumpy Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 You stated up front you are a virgin. You wouldn't have stated that if it had no significance to you so, I suggest you find someone who values and respects what you bring to the table. You will feel a lot more comfortable, secure and in control within the relationship. Best Wishes 2
spiderowl Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) Actually, I don't agree that kissing is that natural. Like anything else, it is a skill that is learned as is the idea of when it is/is not appropriate. You are just young and learning - don't blame yourself. If you want a guy to kiss you, it is ok to do so. It does not mean that you are inviting him to have sex with you. You can draw the line where you want. If you want to have sex with a longer-term partner who you know very well beforehand, then there is nothing wrong with that. A gradual development of a relationship where you kiss but do not allow it to get too hot and heavy can be more exciting in the long run. He would start to dream about the time he gets to sleep with you, rather than thinking 'well that happened quickly, now what?' If a guy gets bored with someone because they will not rush into sex, he doesn't care that much about her. If he really likes here (is not just physically attracted to her), he will wait because he will feel she is worth waiting for. I think he will have got the idea you like him but are wary. Don't panic about him not contacting you. Let him think about things. If he'd rather go for someone easier, then that is no real loss to you. If he likes you as a person, he will be back if only because he wants to spend time with you and talk to you. If he gets in touch, just be friendly and respond as you would with someone you would like to see again. You should not have to push things to meet him. Edited July 19, 2019 by spiderowl 1
The Outlaw Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 I get it that you're shy, that's something I could attest to. But as already pointed out, it cost you. Next time, go for it. Don't resist. Relax. Sometimes you just have to throw fear out the window and take a leap of faith.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 I actually did, but I was scared bc I don't know what he wants. Idk if Im just another girl he's playing with. Plus he is popular too so idk want to make myself look easy These are valid feelings. And the only good response is to not rush anything. Pace yourself and yes go as slowly as you need to go. You definitely don't want to kiss someone if you are worried that they might only be interested in an FWB and you know you want more. Very smart not to proceed. I agree with the person who said kissing should be natural. You're shy. That's fine. The right partner will make you feel OK with your shyness ... will allow you to express your shyness. But don't apologize for being shy. You might be confusing hesitation (based on lack of clarity over what the other person expects) ... and shyness. Hesitation is fine. Don't apologize for that either. Did he ask you what you wanted in the relationship? ... Time for you to practice asking other people, what they want ... Just know: many folks have anxiety and fear in the situation you were in ... Speak anyway! It's the only way to protect yourself. Doesn't matter if your speech is nervous or awkward. Speak. Bottom line ... you didn't do anything wrong. If he's lost interest, then it was going to work anyway. But ... here's a question ... you told him in the followup that you were shy. Here's the question: what did YOU want from him? What were YOU feeling? Forget him and his reactions, what did YOU want? What did you feel? And btw: were you comfortable with him hugging you during the movie? It's OK to not feel comfortable with that on an early date. Speak up! 1
spiritedaway2003 Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 You sound very young. As for the date, let him contact you. You already put it out there about availability. If he's free, he'll contact you. If not, leave it. (If he doesn't reach out, at least you know now that he was not that serious about you, and maybe that's not what you're looking for anyway) Don't rush yourself more than you need to, for fear for losing a potential relationship. If you don't want a casual or FWB relationship, don't ignore your feelings. Maybe he's not the right person for you; he doesn't make you feel very secured right now. Know that you can always draw your boundaries. Consenting to kissing doesn't mean you're agreeing to sex. (Be aware that passionate passing can lead you to trouble). Separately, don't apologize for being shy. if you think that shyness is a problem that you need to work on, then work on it. When you meet the right person, you won't feel nervous about kissing him. In fact, you'll really want to kiss him! Trust me, I'm just about as inexperienced as it gets when it comes to relationships. And I didn't think it was possible, but when I met someone whom I had an incredible connection with, kissing him had never felt so comfortable and natural and passionate. Good luck.
Author faithandfood Posted July 20, 2019 Author Posted July 20, 2019 Actually, I don't agree that kissing is that natural. Like anything else, it is a skill that is learned as is the idea of when it is/is not appropriate. You are just young and learning - don't blame yourself. If you want a guy to kiss you, it is ok to do so. It does not mean that you are inviting him to have sex with you. You can draw the line where you want. If you want to have sex with a longer-term partner who you know very well beforehand, then there is nothing wrong with that. A gradual development of a relationship where you kiss but do not allow it to get too hot and heavy can be more exciting in the long run. He would start to dream about the time he gets to sleep with you, rather than thinking 'well that happened quickly, now what?' If a guy gets bored with someone because they will not rush into sex, he doesn't care that much about her. If he really likes here (is not just physically attracted to her), he will wait because he will feel she is worth waiting for. I think he will have got the idea you like him but are wary. Don't panic about him not contacting you. Let him think about things. If he'd rather go for someone easier, then that is no real loss to you. If he likes you as a person, he will be back if only because he wants to spend time with you and talk to you. If he gets in touch, just be friendly and respond as you would with someone you would like to see again. You should not have to push things to meet him. Thanks so much. You're right. We haven't talked since I reminded him about today's hang out. So I'm not sure if it will still happen. He hasn't let me know if he's free. But as you had mentioned, I'm not going to push things.
Author faithandfood Posted July 20, 2019 Author Posted July 20, 2019 (edited) These are valid feelings. And the only good response is to not rush anything. Pace yourself and yes go as slowly as you need to go. You definitely don't want to kiss someone if you are worried that they might only be interested in an FWB and you know you want more. Very smart not to proceed. -Yeah. I'm now looking for something exclusive because got mistreated with past "FWBs" and I don't want that again. I want to actually feel valued you know. I agree with the person who said kissing should be natural. You're shy. That's fine. The right partner will make you feel OK with your shyness ... will allow you to express your shyness. But don't apologize for being shy. You might be confusing hesitation (based on lack of clarity over what the other person expects) ... and shyness. Hesitation is fine. Don't apologize for that either. Did he ask you what you wanted in the relationship? ... Time for you to practice asking other people, what they want ... Just know: many folks have anxiety and fear in the situation you were in ... Speak anyway! It's the only way to protect yourself. Doesn't matter if your speech is nervous or awkward. Speak. No he didn't ask me. I know when we first met last month bc we met obline. I asked why he had the site & he said to meet people. I said the same. I wanted to ask, but I was afraid it was too early. But now I know. I actually want to ask this if we do meet again. Bottom line ... you didn't do anything wrong. If he's lost interest, then it was going to work anyway. But ... here's a question ... you told him in the followup that you were shy. Here's the question: what did YOU want from him? What were YOU feeling? Forget him and his reactions, what did YOU want? What did you feel? And btw: were you comfortable with him hugging you during the movie? It's OK to not feel comfortable with that on an early date. Speak up! Yeah we haven't talked since I told him to let me know about today's meet. We were supposed to get ice cream, bit nothing so far. He's just been viewing my stories. I want exclusive like a relationship, but of course, we would have to know each other more. I felt so nervous because he is handsome plus I feel like I'm out of his league. But I was also comfortable being myself. I'm a goofy person so I I like to make a lot of jokes as I also teased him too (good teasing). At first, I was a bit shocked because I thought it was just a friendly hangout. Didn't expect it, but after a while, I was okay with it. Edited July 20, 2019 by faithandfood
Author faithandfood Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 Well I'm actually glad I didn't kiss him. He is a jerk. So we met to get ice cream. He wanted me to pay, was facetiming another girl, and barely even talked to me. He wanted me to go to his apt parking lot... I agreed and missed a turn. He then started yelling me, saying I was pissing him off and couldn't follow simple instructions..not to mention, I drove 30 mins to meet him. And he couldn't even say sorry. All he said was "just come another day since you are causing confusion" 1
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