Oscar1993 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 (edited) So, we were together 5 years, we had a house, our relationship was pretty much perfect. We split up two years ago now. He wanted to commit and try to get pregnant. I got scared and panicked, I guess as I was only 23. I was struggling with my mental health at the same time, I just didn't think it was the right time and I left him. He never pressured me, never tried to force or influence me. I don't know why I left. If I had just sat down and explained I was not ready I know he would have been ok with it. But once it was done, it was done. I couldn't persuade him to give us another chance. I guess me leaving so easily wasn't a good sign to him. I made a mistake I realised that but there was no going back in his eyes. I miss what we had and I miss our home, being close with his family and just being settled. I've been with other guys since but it is just is not the same. I don't know whether its HIM that I miss, or just the security. He is with someone new now, they have a house together and look super happy. I am happy for him, as I know I hurt him when I left but I can't help being so jealous that she has what was mine. Some days I just want to text him and tell him that I love him still. Some days in my head I think that we are still together and I cant wait to tell him certain things, and then I remember, which I know is bizzare. Anyone that has been in a similar situation, please help me move forward with this. I am trying to hard to focus on myself but miss my old life and everyone in it so much. I think it is harder that nothing extreme happened to break us up. Edited July 18, 2019 by Oscar1993 1
kendahke Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 I can't help being so jealous that she has what was mine. Don't do this. If it was yours or meant to be yours, you'd have never left it. You didn't want it, so you gave up "ownership". Perhaps your jealousy is really anger at yourself? The best way to move forward is to accept that you made the decision, for whatever reason, that this guy and what he had to offer wasn't what you were looking for at that time and he wasn't obligated to wait around til you changed your mind. Since one of the reasons why you bailed was because of mental health issues, then focus on addressing those issues so they don't play another role in your future plans. 1
Marc878 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Unfortunately there is no going back in these situations. He took what you said plus your actions and moved on with life. You have to do the same. There is no one and only. There are others who could fit that bill so don't settle. Stop the pain shopping. It's a form of contact that you don't need. Time will fix the rest
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 they say it can take up to 1/2 the length of the relationship to fully get over somebody. You were together since you were 18 & you had a house. That is a significant commitment. Now you are also struggling with him vs. the situation. I think you want a solid relationship but something you may not be consciously aware of told you it wasn't with him.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 You left him and it's over, so now you need to stay away from him in his new happy life. Though in hindsight you're idealizing the relationship, at the time you weren't all in and you made the best decision you could at the time. You need to accept that it's over and focus on the present and future. Since you were able to build such a good relationship in the past, you should be able to do it again.
preraph Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 You didn't make a mistake. You and her were at different life stages, so you were not right for each other, that's all. Doesn't mean either of you are bad or stupid people. 23 IS too young for most to want to have kids. Most people these days have a lot of other things they want to do and explore and all that. If you had stayed with him and had a child or two, you'd be feeling trapped right now and feeling like you missed your youth. These are the best years of your life, when you can do just about anything you set out to do. Don't cut that short by settling down too soon. It's normal to feel some regret and sadness, but it will pass. When you're ready, you'll meet someone else.
Versacehottie Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 I agree with kendake, a big part of the reason you are struggling is that you haven't fully commit and accepted the path you chose. In your mind you are still struggling with a decision that you defacto made 2 years ago, like the option is still there. You've effectively put yourself in limbo, which is why you feel so conflicted. Accept that the decision you made two years ago is the best for you and life has something better for you. Also sounds like you are ruminating---going over and over things in your head, so put your mental health as a priority and you should be able to lessen this part and see the excitement in your future. Good luck 1
smackie9 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 You are just too focused on "what could have been" "damn that could have been me", well you weren't ready for it, so you should reassure yourself that you did make the right decision and he wasn't the one for you.
stillafool Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Here's a thread of a woman who has almost the exact same problem as you. Perhaps this thread will help you: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/685600-trying-push-myself-into-nc#post7812510
shydad Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Some days I just want to text him and tell him that I love him still. Hi Oscar1993, please don't do this. Try to focus on what has been going well in your life, your own personal growth, and the new direction you'd like your life to go in.
schlumpy Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 I guess me leaving so easily wasn't a good sign to him. I made a mistake I realised that but there was no going back in his eyes. Yeah. That would have been what I would have focused on. You told him through your actions he wasn't a priority in your life so he had to protect himself. I doubt he wanted to do it, but you left him little choice. What could you offer him except words that ten years down the line you wouldn't do the same thing? Your obsession is not healthy especially since you realize this whole situation is your own fault. You could try therapy or you could try moving away and letting a new environment shake you loose from the past. Moving is more risky but the challenges you will face may be just what you need to refocus on yourself. Best Wishes 1
Versacehottie Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 I agree with some kind of shake up in your life, like a move; starting school, a new job, a career, a hobby that you get way into all could help you stop focusing on this. And get you unstuck. Good luck
Lotsgoingon Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) Let's think logically here. Clearly something was bugging you about the relationship ... or something didn't feel right ... didn't feel safe ... didn't feel good ... or else you wouldn't have initiated the breakup. But it sounds like your thinking about the breakup has all been superficial. You seem to have no insights from time and reflecting back on what happened. Your mind is stuck in primitive first gear ... that you hurt him. No such thing. You broke up because you wanted to break up. We have no obligation to stay with someone for a minute more than we want. Romance is emotionally risky and that's fine ... it's risky to have a first kiss ... to fall in love with someone ... to ask them out in the first place ... and being dumped is always a risk ... If you want to move forward, you want to figure out and defend ... why you left in the first place. I think there's a reason but you're blocking yourself from accepting the reason. I once broke up with a woman who treated me fabulously well and wanted to get married. If you asked me at the time why I broke up ... I couldn't have told you other than I wasn't excited about the relationship and going forward terrified me. I just thought I was immature, afraid of commitment. Well ... with time I can say that this woman always felt like a friend and I simply did not have romantic passion for her, never had it. So right now, your analytical skill at understanding your emotions ... is way behind your intuition and emotion ... That's fine for now ... But something real was wrong that led you to want to break up. If you were to return to him (I do not recommend) that bad feeling you had (that led you to break up) would return in a day! So take some time and figure out what was wrong. You have to not edit your thinking. Quit this worry about "hurting" him. That's the completely wrong use of the word "hurt." Save that word for hitting, harming, beating, robbing, maiming, cheating on, lying to, manipulating, stealing money from and so on. So, why did you break up? The answer is not "I don't know." BTW: being scared is often a sign that the relationship had some real troubles for you. Edited July 19, 2019 by Lotsgoingon
Recommended Posts