Boyfriend and I struggling right now

[harnold]

Didn't really read the whole thread, just OP, but this sounds like me when I was alot younger... 19ish. Watched tons of wild crazy porn and had performance issues galore.

 

Its not you. It's 100% him.

 

I used to fantasize that the girl I was having sex with was some girl from the porno I just watched, too, as I was unable to keep my erection otherwise. Not because my gf wasn't hot, but because I was so addicted to pornographic stimulation. And Id always picture the same type of crazy **** happening to her as we were having sex (ripped straight out of the recent porno I just watched)

 

Honestly, the only way I got over it was just time. Probably not the answer you want to hear, but it took me a couple more partners/relationships before I got it out of my system. I took some Viagara along the way just to stack the odds in my favor, I suppose he could try those too?

[frus69]

This might shock you Frus69, but it is actually my business.

 

Why?Because he brought me into his world, he pretended to be into me and got involved with me under false premises.

 

Men who lure women in and lie, aren't even men. They are useless to women.

It would have been better for him to admit right from the start that these are the things he wanted, this is how he wanted it and that I needed to be A, B, and C or else he wouldn't be into me.

 

He wasn't fair and didn't tell me those things and came into my life.

He has now affected it greatly, so the decent thing to do at the very least would be to tell me the truth now.

 

Or he could be a total scumbag and not say anything, then he really would be pretty low.

 

At this point, I am just wanting to hear him tell me as his behaviors have proved all of it already.

 

Him telling me would at least be closure and so there weren't any mixed messages.

 

It would help me move on.

 

Why do you say he pretended to be into you?

Maybe he was into you and was sexually attracted to you but after 2 years he is not anymore.

 

In this 2 whole years is he always not attracted to you or is it rather recent? Because if he never was sexually attracted I dont know why this can go on for 2 years.

[stillafool]

All you need to know is that he isnt sexually attracted to you. And you deserve someone who is.

 

I agree. I don't think he's sexually attracted to you. He keeps hinting about tight clothes so let me ask - do you wear them and if so does it make a difference? It's concerning that he doesn't sound like he's very affectionate towards you. Even if he doesn't want sex does he want to kiss and hug you ever?

 

I heard that men who watch a lot of porn have a hard time getting off with PIV sex because the vagina isn't as tight as their hand. Is this true guys?

Edited July 19, 2019 by stillafool

[spiderowl]

Honestly, OP, you need to stop thinking this is anything to do with you or your attractiveness as a woman. He has a porn addiction and, on top of which, does not appear to care about you. What do you get from being with this guy, other than damage to your self-esteem?

 

I guess it is easy to take this personally because this is your husband, the guy you love, and he is being rejecting. Many other guys would not treat you like this - this is not normal behaviour, please remember that.

 

You do not need to change yourself or the clothes you wear: you need to dump this guy and, when you have recovered from the break-up, find a guy who does not have unhealthy habits and is attracted to you. You will wonder how you ever tolerated your husband's sexual proclivities.

 

Finally, do you really know what kind of porn he is into? I would be tempted to look through his internet search history (way back through it) when he is not there. I suspect he has inclinations he has not shared with you - maybe sex with men, maybe sadistic or violent tendencies. I do not think you are getting the whole truth from him.

 

What do you know about his past and past relationships?

[kendahke]

He basically said that men HAVE to look. That they are hard wired to look and can't help themself.

 

It's not a matter of men "having to" look, but that humans will look at whatever gets their attention. The difference is acting on it by announcing stupidity like he does and making ignorant declarative statements to excuse his debasing you.

 

But then he tells me that when I wear casual clothes and am just doing day to day things, he doesn't really look because it does nothing for him and I'm not wearing sexy clothes or acting sexy.

 

It feels like crap, not going to lie. Who wants their man admitting to enjoying looking around at other women but basically tells you that at times you're not interesting enough to do anything for him? My self esteem is in the toilet right now.

I don't feel desired, I don't feel enough for him. I don't feel sexy or attractive.

I try to take pics for him and he still does not get aroused.

At some point in all of this, you're going to have to own and sort why you insist upon staying with a man who treats you like this.

 

Yes, he's doing a number on your self esteem, yet you're staying there taking it. You're the one putting it on the chopping block by staying there, not him. Complaining, yes, but you remain put--therefore that tells him he can say whatever he wants to say to you because you're not going anywhere.

 

You don't get any medals for doing that--all you get is squandered youth you'll never get back.

 

It's like he wants the porn back and the dirty girls online back or everything else is boring...including me. He doesn't even hardly talk about sex or tells me sexual things, and when he does, which is few and far between, it seems like he's forcing himself to..

He probably does want the porn back--it doesn't give him grief for being the only thing he can be: himself.

 

He's been on this trajectory for a very long time--why would he change now when you've stayed (read: accepted) this long with him telling you all of this mess?

 

I try to initiate things, and most of the time it doesn't work.

Wtf does it take??!!??

It takes you taking responsibility for yourself and your happiness and recognizing that he's not the man you need and dumping him.

 

It takes you seeing what is falling out in experience at your feet instead of investing in this false narrative you're telling yourself of what you wished he'd be and abandoning this need for this broken man to flip into being someone he's incapable/not interested in being for you.

 

He tells me he wants to use sex toys on me or hopes I might enjoy porn too.

I can't do either, or more like..I just don't want to.

I'm not a prude but those things....been there, done that, found it lame.

It doesn't appeal to me.

Plus it doesn't seem great to be adding in more porn.

It would seriously then feel like he would needs those girls to even get it on with me and that would be worse than it is now.

Do you like the person you've had to become in order to have this knucklehead in your life? Edited July 20, 2019 by kendahke

[kendahke]

I found an article where a man wrote and said that he didn't feel that looking around at others (or having a wandering eye) was helpful in a relationship.

 

That it created mistrust, it put lustful thoughts in a person head and then brought the couple who were together, somewhat more emotionally apart.

 

The article went on to say that a man in love won't feel a need to be staring around.

 

I guess that says it all.

 

 

Yes, there are men out there who believe this. The man you're with isn't one of those men and he's not interested in being one of those men for you.

 

 

We've been together barely two years and already he's admitting that he likes to look elsewhere.

 

 

If he's articulating that to you, then you've been demoted.

[Paddlepop]

I am struggling with everything that has gone on the the past few days.

 

No, we didn't have a perfect relationship, we had our own set of problems, but it always seemed fixable.

 

He did have an issue with lying in the past but that seemed to be remedied.

 

The last 48 hours however, have been a real crap show.

 

It started off with him not being interested in anything sexually with he and I anymore, and it has now progressed to where he admits that he has been lying to me for almost two years.

 

He used to tell me that men who checked women out when they had a partner, were not nice men and that it was disrespectful towards a woman to behave that way.

 

Now he is telling me that he lied about that and he didn't tell me the truth because he felt.."what I didn't know, won't hurt me"

 

But that he checks women out every time he is out somewhere and that he likes looking at bums or breasts or checks to see if their face is pretty.

 

I found it incredibly hurtful to hear. And I feel like he pretended to be someone he is not.

 

This is shocking to me.

 

We have spent a significant amount of time together, I felt we knew one another very well.

He had proposed and we have gotten most of everything ready for a wedding in a few months time.

 

How or why can he go from a gentleman to someone who talks to me like I am garbage and like he has zero respect for me?

 

Yes, the sex life sucked. I'm not going to lie. But I was willing to work past that, same for the porn addiction.

 

But the lying and him telling me one thing when it wasn't even true and then nearly maliciously telling me he likes to check women out and if I stay with him I can expect more of it...is incredibly painful.

 

He knows my ex was notorious for this kind of behavior.

He knows that it escalated till my ex cheated and it took me years to recover as we had been married and had a small child.

 

He swore up and down to never be that man and that I could trust him.

 

How can he go from being so understanding and so loving to so cruel in such a short time?

 

I've asked him is someone else was involved, he said no.

He said he still wants things to work out between us but that he is finally coming clean. (This is about the third time since I have known him that he is 'finally coming clean' from lies he has told in the past). It's starting to become traumatic for me.

What more lies are going to be uncovered?

 

WTF has happened to my life in such a short span of time?

Edited July 21, 2019 by Paddlepop

[frus69]

Sounds like he is trying to get you to break up with him

[ExpatInItaly]

Sounds like he is trying to get you to break up with him

 

That's my inkling as well, having read OP's latest update.

 

I'm sorry, OP. I think you are looking at the end of the road for you two. I just don't see how a longer-term relationship will ever work now.

[elaine567]

40+ year old guy, never had a gf, is on the countdown to marriage and he doesn't want to go through with it.

He is already sexually bored and instead of calling it all off is determined to make the OP do the breaking up.

 

He is addicted to porn and I wouldn't be surprised if he was found to be using hookers too.

He thought he could do the whole gf/marriage thing but the sexual variety he has got used to, makes that impossible for him to have a normal sex life with a woman.

 

OP, this guy will never make you happy, it is a pity you didn't dump him long ago as soon as you found out he was lying to you.

[Paddlepop]

Yes, he has admitted to seeing a hooker in the past before he met me.

 

How did you know that?

 

He says it was only because he was desperate to be with a woman and he struck out on all the dating sites.

 

He said he felt bad going to a hooker but that he had no other options available.

He also said it didn't work. He was too nervous and he couldn't get hard.

 

Do you think he is sexually bored due to me or bored due to being used to certain type of women and seeing many of them through porn etc?

 

What if he were to stop his behaviours. He would eventually have a type of withdrawal (I am assuming) and possibly he could rewire his brain?

 

Yes, the lying is a huge issue, I know that. I don't excuse it and I do know that it's an issue that might not ever be fixable.

 

I guess I am still trying to process it all.

 

Incidentally, he has come back and apologized and has sounded quite desperate. Asking me to please not leave him and that he knows he's not worthy, etc.

 

I gave him the option to just go and for us to end everything.

He got very upset about that and said he can't accept it if we were to end everything and all our plans to marry.

[spiderowl]

I am truly sorry you are in this situation.

 

There is nothing wrong with you and your attractiveness. There is a lot wrong with your husband. He may be attracted to the kind of sex you would never want to get involved in. Please do not think this is anything to do with you.

 

Lying is always a worrying trait. I would think any guy who says he does not check out other women is probably lying. He should have said so in the first place. Most guys do this; they try to ensure their wife/partner is not looking at the time.

 

His porn habit of lack of interest in normal sex is an issue. I know splitting up when you live someone looks like an overwhelmingly difficult thing to do but you can find someone who loves you and desires you. You don't have to put up with the limited life this guy is offering.

[frus69]

Do you have low self esteem and not think you can find a better man? Is that why you cant break it off

[Paddlepop]

Frus69, I will try to say this as respectfully as I can.

 

All of your posts and assumptions have been wrong.

 

You saying he wasn't attracted to me, when it was about his porn addiction.

 

Saying he wanted to break up with me, when he is begging me not to end things.

 

And now you're saying I have low self esteem, when you don't know me or know what I am thinking or why I stayed and all factors involved.

Or if I am seriously considering ending it.

 

Maybe it's answers I am seeking to begin closure.

 

Either way. Thanks for taking the time, but it's not been particularly helpful.

[frus69]

Im not the only one here who thinks he isnt attracted sexually and is trying to get you to break up with him. Heaps of other posters agreed with me but for some reason you got angry towards me only. Your defensiveness is understandable. Perhaps you know there is some truth in it and you are afraid to admit.

I didnt say you have low self esteem. Im just asking. You didnt say anything good about him so we have to assume. Not sure why you got defensive about this.

I just found it bizarre that you keep complaining how bad he is yet you aint leaving. Im not sure what advice you are seeking because everyone here agrees you should leave. But maybe you just want to vent and I guess some people need to take a lot of time to end things, which is fine.

[Paddlepop]

Then you've got people that agreed with you, who are also wrong.

 

He has told me himself that it's not me, it's his problem with performance anxiety and the porn addiction.

 

We literally sat down and talked and I told him I was open to him being honest with me if it was him not being attracted to me that was the problem or if wanted to break up, as I was fully open to it. (I don't want someone to be with me who doesn't want to be).

 

In both cases he said no, that not only was it not the case but that he didn't want to live without me.

 

So I reiterate, you were not correct.

 

I actually have no issues with admitting what I am afraid of or not afraid of as I think I have been very transparent through out this entire thread..have I not?

 

Spiderowl (wonderful empathy, thank you), Elaine (spot on!!) KenDahke (brilliant advice and insight)...to name a few. There are far more but I am just going on the last few names on this page.

 

They have truly helped me sort things out and given me great advice and helped me process everything.

I am still processing and trying to work out things in my head.

 

If anyone has anymore insight, I am open to hearing your thoughts.

Edited July 22, 2019 by Paddlepop

[ExpatInItaly]

Look, OP, at the end of the day, it doesn't make a lick of difference who among the posters is "right" or "wrong."

 

What matters is how you feel, and if you feel prepared to sign up for a lifetime of poor intimacy and feeling inadequate.

 

The situation now is unlikely to change. He might not want to live without you, but that still does not mean your sex life is going to get any better. Can you live with that? The probability that this will take a 180 and lead to happiness and fulfillment for you is low. It would require an awful lot of hard work, from both of you, likely with professional intervention of an ongoing and intensive nature. It will mean many bumps in the road, in which he panics if he thinks you'll leave, but then returns to the status quo thereafter.

 

He's backpedaling now that he is worried his life will change (ie. if you leave) but the things he said? You won't be able to un-hear that. He hit you with some hard home truths, which understandably hurt a lot. He goes from one extreme to the other which makes your head spin. His communication is poor and so is his ability to love you in the way you want. A relationship in which you feel like you're not good enough and you are essentially friends instead of lovers is going to be very hard to sustain for another 2 years, let alone decades.

 

Don't hedge your bets on what might happen. Instead, try to deal with the facts as they stand now instead. Can you live in a marriage like this? Something for you to chew on before you meet him at the end of the aisle.

Edited July 22, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[Paddlepop]

You're absolutely right, Expat, and I sincerely appreciate all of your thoughts.

 

I do have a lot to think over and a lot to consider.

 

I think you're right, if I choose to stay with him, I can kiss a normal sex life goodbye.

 

You're spot on as well to the things he's said and if I can ever not let them bother me and right now if someone were to ask, I'd say that no, I can't get past it.

 

I feel incredibly inadequate concerning him.

 

I know what kind of life I would be getting into if I remained with him and you're right, I don't know that it's doable.

 

Thank you for giving me harsh truths to seriously consider as I agree with you that these are things that I need to expect if I stay with him.

 

Does that mean I will? I am still processing and I am still going to need all this information if I do leave him as it will justify it in my mind as to why I left.

[lurker74]

Paddle, first, I am sorry you're going through this. Second, and this will be hard to read, but someday, I promise you, you will be thankful for the last couple of weeks. I know that's unfathomable right now but it is true. I have to head to a meeting, so this will be brief, but there are a couple of things going on here.

 

HIM: I don't know if he is or was depressed, socially awkward, on the spectrum, or just continually lacking maturity, but something has happened to him, potentially going back to birth, that has caused him to socially separate from at least certain situations. This dissociation is what you are feeling, as he is able and willing to interact inside his own mind with porn and with strangers on the street but less able to do that with you unless you fit the programmed response in his mind. What is worse, though, and probably beyond his control, is that he will and has blamed you for not fitting the formula...you don;t like porn and toys and all the stuff that is in his programming that he got from porn. And now, miraculously, it's your fault. The danger here is that such behavior has the makings of control and gaslighting, which is on the path toward emotional abuse. This doesn't mean he's a bad person (although he may be) but it does mean that he is not capable of looking out for your needs. Which brings me to

 

YOU: I don't know where to start. It's hard when you come to the realization that someone is not right for you. But please keep in mind...there's someone so perfect out there for you that you will laugh that you ever put up with this. Oh, you'll fight with that person too but the love will overwhelm you in ways that will thrill and frighten you. When you look at your life completed, the fear and sadness you feel right now will pale compared to the joy you found with the right person. That right person will care about your needs. And you know what? With the right person, you very well might be not only willing but excited to watch porn with him and use toys, because you will be getting from him everything you need and that trust and safety will breed further trust (btw, it's totally fine if that never happens...and that's OK). It doesn't seem like you have a low self esteem...but I bet it's not as high as it used to be...and if that's true, it means you are on a bad path.

 

SOCIETY: I look at women. I am, as they say, a dedicated "@ss man." So if a woman walks by that is filling out a nice pair of jeans, I'll notice. But that is it. Because not only am I not douchey enough to say something to a stranger, when I am in a relationship, I am not only ABLE to subordinate my baser self to my partner, but I actually COVET being with my partner rather than some nice looking stranger. And when I am in love, the rest of the world can catch fire for all I care. There are many good men out there. Don't let this one ruin you for the to good ones.

 

BEST of luck!!!!!

[smackie9]

He doesn't have what would normally be called an "addiction" he has a sexual/mental dysfunction. Using porn is part of his dysfunction. He may have some social disorder that has landed him depending on porn as his interaction with girls at a young age...a time where the brain is still developing, which programmed him to be this way. That would explain his inability or his lack of desire to have a relationship/ be close to someone. It's all he has known, and mentally can't feel real intimacy/feelings. He could be an aspie....a lot of aspies "fake" their way through life just to fit in, mimicking emotional reactions, lying about how they feel, etc.

[Els]

I don't actually see any upside whatsoever to this guy...

 

 

Let him go back to the only lover he's had for the last 30 years, IMO.

[Paddlepop]

Lurker, thank you so much for taking the time. You have great insight and you have been spot on with all of it.

I will think of your words for a long time to come.

 

Smackie, incredible insight, he's on the autistic spectrum.

 

I cannot thank you all enough. This site has been invaluable in helping me and helping sort my thoughts out. I am still working through this mess but it's making more sense to me now and it's not as painful as it was.

Thank you again.

[kendahke]

Do you think he is sexually bored due to me or bored due to being used to certain type of women and seeing many of them through porn etc?

 

The real question you should be asking yourself is: why do I feel I deserve this level of treatment and why am I consistently volunteering for said treatment? Why do I not think I'm worth more than being treated like this and act like it?

 

What if he were to stop his behaviours. He would eventually have a type of withdrawal (I am assuming) and possibly he could rewire his brain?

 

That's not the question, either. The question is: is he in any way interested in stopping his behavior FOR GOOD and never, ever visiting it again, even if he's pissed off with you? Will he give this up without cultivating a marvelous resentment towards you (and I don't use the word "marvelous" in a positive sense)

 

Yes, the lying is a huge issue, I know that. I don't excuse it and I do know that it's an issue that might not ever be fixable.

 

I guess I am still trying to process it all.

 

Incidentally, he has come back and apologized and has sounded quite desperate. Asking me to please not leave him and that he knows he's not worthy, etc.

 

I gave him the option to just go and for us to end everything.

He got very upset about that and said he can't accept it if we were to end everything and all our plans to marry.

'

 

He is only performing because you are disrupting his comfort zone, not because he loves you so much--because if he did love you that much, he'd be going to a therapist to get a grip on himself and he hasn't offered to do that yet, has he? This is just another tactic to lull you into a stupor and quiet down with the nagging so he can go back to his porns and Rosie Palm.

 

Of course he doesn't want you to leave: who would he then have to talk down to? Who else is going to put up with him telling them that walking around looking like a mop and bucket isn't sexy to him? You two don't even agree on what is sexy to him. You have one way you think should do the trick and he's been telling you "yeah, not for me" and you don't want to hear it--you want him to be someone he's incapable of being instead of summoning up the courage to step out on your own, and be alone for an unforeseeable time until you find the guy that thinks you running around the house in sweats is the sexiest thing on the planet.

 

Until you begin asking the right questions, you're going to remain mired in this muck.

[elaine567]

40+ guys who have never had a gf ever are not good bets.

"something" is bound to be wrong there and sure enough...

 

This is never going to be "right". You sound like a lovely woman with much to offer.

Please remove yourself from this mess of a relationship, before it ruins you.

[Kitty Tantrum]

There is no upside to being in a relationship with a man who NEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS you and CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU but doesn't have any sexual interest in you.

 

Unless he's your child.

 

This guy reminds more and more of my ex-husband with every post I read.

 

My magic 8 ball says he'll be pushing for an "open relationship" soon, on the premise that it will somehow make him more attracted to you, make your sex life better, etc. Maybe he'll ask you to watch porn with him first, if he hasn't already. But that's where I see this going.

 

Spoilers: it won't make him more attracted to you. It won't make him want you more. You'll feel about two inches tall when you see him getting all excited over OTHER WOMEN in their sweatpants or PJs - but still not YOU. Or when you see or hear about him happily doing things with other women that you wanted but he never did with you.

 

BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

 

In my case, one of the things I always really wanted was to just be "taken" - picked up and thrown on the bed, etc. Just, you know, treated like he REALLY wanted me. I was a bit heavy back then, and that was the excuse he gave me for never doing anything like that. Fine. I've never been sensitive about my weight, so I was pretty understanding. But then I lost a bunch of weight. Still nothing. I dressed exactly the way he asked me to. Tried to fit his bill for "sexy." Still nothing. He had no inclination to do anything like that with me, ever - even though he knew I would love it (because I told him so).

 

Imagine how I felt when he came home one day and told me all about how the girl he'd just hooked up with giggled and loved it so much when he picked her up and tossed her on the bed and ravished her, and how she said it made her feel more feminine than anything any other guy had done. And the look on his face when he told me. Like it was the best thing ever. This woman was literally a fat sex worker (although he didn't have to pay her). Like, she weighed as much as TWO OF ME at that time. She was bigger than I EVER was.

 

The best part is that I shared with him (gently, tactfully) that it made me sad that he'd never done that with me, but did it for some random hookup voluntarily. Verbally, he expressed that he understood, he was sorry, etc... But he still NEVER did that for me, ever. Not once in the seven years we were married

 

That's where you're heading.