Boyfriend and I struggling right now

[Paddlepop]

I am dating a guy who has never had a gf before and has no experience.

He also has issues with anxiety.

Everything between us is going really well, except for the sex.

 

He is used to masturbating on his own to pornos and has ideas that sex is meant to be like pornos or women are only sexy if they behave like porn stars.

I have tried very hard to show him how things should be and that sex is more about intimacy and not just wham, bam, thank you mam.

Porns not always realistic either.

 

But we still struggle.

Our sex life is virtually non existent. He says he has performance anxiety which I have tried very hard to help him with, but it doesn't seem to help.

I try to tell him there's no pressure and that I'm not expecting anything, etc.

But he doesn't even like to talk about sex these days, nevermind doing it.

 

I am starting to think it's me.

I can be walking by him or doing something and he barely notices.

He has told me that if I am wearing casual clothing, that it isn't sexy and that's why he barely notices me.

But I am not one to dress with tight clothes on or be acting like that.

 

I've had bf's before and none of them needed much to be noticing me or getting excited over me.

But my current one seems to hardly notice me at all and almost forces himself to give me compliments or say something sexy to me.

Even then, we don't have sex.

 

I honestly can't work out if it's me that he's just not that into or if it's the PA or a combination of the two.

 

I've asked him, he tells me it's the PA but how would that affect him looking at me if I was walking by or giving me compliments or even flirting, etc?

 

I don't know what to do and I don't know how to think of all this.

I sometimes think too that he's seen so much porn that he needs it to be like that or needs a woman more like that or else he won't get into it or get turned on.

 

Advice, please? We've been together for 2 years now and are both in our 40's.

Edited July 18, 2019 by Paddlepop

[schlumpy]

Sex has a psychological component to it that has to be satisfied for everything else to fall into place.

 

For me it was whether I sensed and felt the desire of my partner for me. If it wasn't there, I was pretty much shut down.

 

For your BF, it is the porn fantasies he has embraced and if you don't play along I suspect you sex life is going to be unsatisfactory and below average.

 

Best Wishes

[d0nnivain]

If he's in his 40s, never had a GF before & still think sex is like pornos it's not you, it's him. Either accept that this is all there ever will be or walk away. He's not going to change. He's a late bloomer & you can't rewrite those bad habits.

[Redhead14]

He is used to masturbating on his own to pornos and has ideas that sex is meant to be like pornos or women are only sexy if they behave like porn stars.

 

 

A man who is in his 40's and thinks/feels that that is the way sex is mean't to be in real life between two loving partners, has some other significant "issues" he is dealing with.

 

You two have been together for 2 years and, I'm guessing this is not new. So you've been telling yourself for 2 years that things will get better? You're both in your 40s for crying out loud. You want him to change and he wants you to change. Good luck with that. It's OK if you want to try some "new" things in the bedroom but I wouldn't do that unless he's going to make some effort to accommodate you. But, frankly, if he's not really turned on by you just the way you are, it's not right to try to get you to start doing things that make you uncomfortable or just aren't about who you are. He's not having sex with YOU then, he's having sex with his fantasy. I promise you if you start doing what he wants all the time and he's not meeting your needs, there will come a point when you simply start resenting being with him in the bedroom and you will bail.

 

The real bottom line here is that he is not naturally turned on by you. That isn't something that he can control. It is what it is. That's different than what you're being asked to do.

 

Do yourself a favor now and bail. This is not going to get better.

Edited July 18, 2019 by Redhead14

[ExpatInItaly]

For me personally, this level of sexual incompatibility would be a deal-breaker.

 

Sorry OP, but I think you’re fighting a losing battle here.

[Curiousroxy86]

redhead said it perfectly

[lurker74]

In my forties. Can't say I don't occasionally have performance anxiety (and every guy does from time to time) but your BF's is not the good kind. His is coming from you not being the porn star to which he has grown accustomed. Mine comes from sometimes worrying to much about my lover's pleasure (and the man in me requires me to type that mine is rare!).

 

So...you think it's about you because YOU are not being the porn star. This is false. It's him because he has a messed up view of what a woman is. This is 100% him. If you were in your early 20s, I'd give you advice on how to help reform a willing partner into a more symbiotic sexual relationship. In his 40s, there's nothing that can be done by you. He needs therapy and even then it's unlikely to change.

 

[kendahke]

I am dating a guy who has never had a gf before and has no experience.

We are both in our 40's.

 

He is used to his palm--it doesn't require noticing, it doesn't ask him for foreplay, it doesn't want to discuss his inexperience and lack of curiosity about a live, female body.

 

As you can see, he's not interested in changing anything for you. This works fine for him because this is all he's capable of giving/interested in giving. Can you work with that and be happy and content for the unforeseeable future? If you can, then carry on. If you can't, you know that you need to end this and find a man who has developed his sexual curiosity beyond his right palm.

[smackie9]

It's him my dear....and as the saying goes, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Like the other poster mentioned, his only option is to see a sex therapist to deprogram his perception about sex and fix the issue with therapy. That's gonna be a tough nut to crack at that age. Maybe being friends is a better option.

 

IMO I would book-it out of there.

Edited July 18, 2019 by smackie9

[Paddlepop]

We had a talk.

 

He doesn't know what the difference is between a porn star and a woman he's dating.

He said porn stars are just women who are doing a job...same for hookers.

I don't see it that way. I think it's worlds different from women who are in the sex industry as opposed to your own gf.

I also agree with what others have said, sex isn't all about it being like a porn.

It should be about intimacy and love and sharing.

 

Yes, it's true too. He has no expectations or responsibilities? when it comes to his hand.

He doesn't have to make any efforts and he is used to the sensation.

He can also choose a different woman every night with the selection of porn or pics he found online, etc.

It's what he's done for all his life. It could very well be that it's not something that can be changed.

 

I think the two things I found most disheartening is, he told me that unless women are wearing tight clothing and acting sexy, he doesn't find them sexy.

I'm not used to that kind of thinking either.

My past bf's could get turned on just by me making breakfast and wearing shorts and a baggy t-shirt on a Sunday morning. It's about expressions, movement, a person's voice, etc.

My current has a very narrow view on what's sexy.

 

He also said he enjoys looking at other women and would like to do more, though he said it's not important either.

I can't see that being anything good for me.

I used to look around when I was younger, but I sincerely mean that when I say it's useless to me now.

I would much rather focus on one man and fully appreciate him.

I realize that when a person is out and about, you notice good looking people, it's life. But it's not anything that affects me.

I enjoy coming home to my man and looking at him or his body.

 

We just seem to be in different places with that and I again fear that this says something about how he's not satisfied with just me.

[preraph]

It's not you. He's addicted to porn. It's becoming more and more of a problem and lack of sexual performance related to porn addiction has become a big reason people end up at the psychologist's.

 

It isn't you at all. He is totally deluded because he thinks real women are same as paid sex workers, most of whom have been abused or molested in their earlier years, which makes them more vulnerable and willing to do this work, since they had to accept it as the norm in their youth.

 

Honestly, you should just ditch this guy. The fact he uses women like sex objects and expects them to behave like someone who is being paid or even possibly being sex-trafficked against their will makes them ethically not acceptable to me.

 

He's the one with the sex deficit. He has a porn addiction that has rendered him useless in bed, for God's sake! He has NO, zero, sense of intimacy. He doesn't even know what love is or intimacy. At 40, he's only going to go downhill.

 

Please, please retain your dignity and don't bend to these sleazy and sick demands. Move on and let him get back to wanking.

 

And he is the exception, not the rule. Most men are at least not delusional about the difference between sex and porn. If a man loves you, they don't want you to demean yourself and they don't want you to be uncomfortable. Dump this geezer.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Many men are effectively all-but-neutered by pornography and masturbation. It's a very simple mechanism - habituation and acclimation to a form of stimulation that is engineered not only to produce a stronger reaction than normal human sexual interaction, but also to offer an ever-escalating level of stimulation by way of endless variety and/or increasingly extreme/taboo visuals and subject matter.

 

It's just like drugs.

 

Your guy is a junkie.

 

As a real human being with human needs and limitations, you offer about as much stimulation to him as a small cup of coffee to a man who's been mainlining pure caffeine his entire adult life.

 

Nothing wrong with you; something VERY wrong with him. It's a substance abuse issue at the heart of it.

[kendahke]

Don't waste your youth or precious time behind someone this old who is emotionally stunted. You get no gold medals for it.

 

Who/how he is isn't working for you--and it's better to be by yourself and maintain a healthy consideration of your sexuality in preparation for the man who will treasure it rather than be with a man who demotes you below an interchangeable porn actress or his right palm.

[Paddlepop]

We're still discussing things and I asked him why he feels the need to look at other women, this was his response:

 

"it's just what the male brain does, it can't help it and it cant stop it. I have seen, many many men with wifes looking when a pretty girl goes past. the only men that might not do this are gay."

 

Then he said that if a man says he doesn't look at other women or doesn't enjoy looking, he's lying...he said all men will look and enjoy it it doesn't matter how long they've been with their gf/wife or how in love they might be.

 

He meant for porn or women walking down the street or tv or where ever.

 

True?

[lurker74]

True? Well, I do enjoy looking at women. But that doesn't mean that I due it to the exclusion of someone with whom I have a relationship. And I am (most of the time) discreet and don't let those I'm with know.

 

This guy seems like an entitled loser, to be honest. Justifying his porn and his lack of interest in you as something he can't help is not a good sign. Go to a guy that enjoys chasing you around in your pajama shorts and sweatshirt. That kind of outfit can be the sexist thing in the world to the right man.

[preraph]

Men like looking at women, but here's the difference: Most men don't only enjoy it if the woman is dressed like she's a stripper. I'd say if this small parameter is his limitations, then he's the one who might be gay.

[Paddlepop]

@ lurker74 Your reply sincerely brought me a few tears.

 

You're right, he's not going to stop looking and he is never going to find me sexy wearing pajama shorts and a sweatshirt.

 

I know many men out there won't be like him and it's hard to admit that to myself.

 

And yes, he justifies all of these behaviors as "normal".

Edited July 18, 2019 by Paddlepop

[Paddlepop]

I found an article where a man wrote and said that he didn't feel that looking around at others (or having a wandering eye) was helpful in a relationship.

 

That it created mistrust, it put lustful thoughts in a person head and then brought the couple who were together, somewhat more emotionally apart.

 

The article went on to say that a man in love won't feel a need to be staring around.

 

I guess that says it all.

 

We've been together barely two years and already he's admitting that he likes to look elsewhere.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Appreciation of beauty is one thing.

 

Sexual gratification and fulfillment is a whole 'nother thing entirely.

 

The former truly IS all but unavoidable. My gaze is drawn to all sorts of beautiful things, including but not limited to people. I ran into a woman I used to work with while I was picking up stuff to make BBQ sauce yesterday. We chatted for a bit, and I couldn't help being struck by how beautiful her face is. No makeup, nothing sexy going on, her bone structure and skin are just flawless.

 

That sort of thing happens less often for me with men, but it does occasionally, even though I'm happily taken. Some people look really nice.

 

But uhhhh... that doesn't mean you have to try to hump them, or fap to their visage, or whatever. You can appreciate beauty without using it for sexual purposes.

 

The thing about being human is that we have the ability to control our passions, if we so choose. A man who chooses to submit to his every impulse is not a man so much as an ape or a dog - or a child, at best.

[preraph]

He isn't willing to admit he has a problem.

[emeraldgreen]

Porn-addicted loser. If he kept his hands off his willy for a month, he'd be ready to bang a lunch lady. He's doing wrong by you continuing to look at that stuff in the first place, let alone use it as an excuse not to look after you in the sack or make you feel desired. He can't even see his own problem and the distorted view it creates.

[Paddlepop]

He basically said that men HAVE to look. That they are hard wired to look and can't help themself.

 

But then he tells me that when I wear casual clothes and am just doing day to day things, he doesn't really look because it does nothing for him and I'm not wearing sexy clothes or acting sexy.

 

It feels like crap, not going to lie. Who wants their man admitting to enjoying looking around at other women but basically tells you that at times you're not interesting enough to do anything for him?

 

He hasn't masturbated or done hardly anything for ages.

The whole point was to desensitize his willy and to get him off of porn.

But you know what?

It's working the opposite way.

 

He has no libido now and he's not interested in much of anything.

It's like he wants the porn back and the dirty girls online back or everything else is boring...including me.

 

He doesn't even hardly talk about sex or tells me sexual things, and when he does, which is few and far between, it seems like he's forcing himself to.

 

My self esteem is in the toilet right now.

I don't feel desired, I don't feel enough for him. I don't feel sexy or attractive.

I try to take pics for him and he still does not get aroused.

I try to initiate things, and most of the time it doesn't work.

 

Wtf does it take??!!??

 

He tells me he wants to use sex toys on me or hopes I might enjoy porn too.

I can't do either, or more like..I just don't want to.

 

I'm not a prude but those things....been there, done that, found it lame.

It doesn't appeal to me.

Plus it doesn't seem great to be adding in more porn.

It would seriously then feel like he would needs those girls to even get it on with me and that would be worse than it is now.

[frus69]

I dont know if he's addicted to porn and I dont see how this is relevant here. Maybe he should find a porn star and that will make him happy. But it's none of your business.

All you need to know is that he isnt sexually attracted to you. And you deserve someone who is.

[Paddlepop]

This might shock you Frus69, but it is actually my business.

 

Why?Because he brought me into his world, he pretended to be into me and got involved with me under false premises.

 

Men who lure women in and lie, aren't even men. They are useless to women.

It would have been better for him to admit right from the start that these are the things he wanted, this is how he wanted it and that I needed to be A, B, and C or else he wouldn't be into me.

 

He wasn't fair and didn't tell me those things and came into my life.

He has now affected it greatly, so the decent thing to do at the very least would be to tell me the truth now.

 

Or he could be a total scumbag and not say anything, then he really would be pretty low.

 

At this point, I am just wanting to hear him tell me as his behaviors have proved all of it already.

 

Him telling me would at least be closure and so there weren't any mixed messages.

 

It would help me move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

Wtf does it take??!!??

 

In your case?

 

Finding a new boyfriend is what it takes.