MrsB Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 A little background first. I started dating a man nearly six months ago. We are in our early 40s. He has dated before, but never had a relationship last for a length of time but he wants us to. So this is uncharted territory for him. He was the first to use the boyfriend/girlfriend terms in reference to us and in introducing me to friends. One thing about him...he has always been VERY shy...I know this because we knew each other throughout our school years (kindergarten through high school). Because of his shyness he isn’t very verbal with feelings. Not a PDA fan or one to tell me “mushy stuff” (his words). So he uses emoji a lot to express himself nonverbally. We are kind of long distance and our primary contact is via text and nearly daily phone calls in between weekly visits. Today I texted him that I miss him. He responded with . Could this be his not being able to say the things he may be feeling (that he misses me too) or could he just be “humoring” me? He uses other emoji so this isn’t an off occurrence. It’s happened before. Also, how can I encourage him to be more verbal with me? I don’t need constant reassurance from him but I do need to hear it occasionally that he is thinking of me or misses me. And reading between the lines leads to misunderstandings. I’ve talked to him about it once before, early on, and he says he has a hard time verbalizing things. On occasion he will open up but it’s rare. I don’t want to push.
Author MrsB Posted July 18, 2019 Author Posted July 18, 2019 A little more expressive, but reserved. He snuggles and is giving in that department and not demanding. Like I said, shy.
PRW Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 We are in our early 40s. He has dated before,Well, let's hope so. but never had a relationship last for a length of time but he wants us to. So this is uncharted territory for him.Ok, so it is being said that he doesn't know what he is doing,...a newb, if you will. He was the first to use the boyfriend/girlfriend terms in reference to usOk, he definitely doesn't know what he is doing. and in introducing me to friends. Ok, he really definitely doesn't know what he is doing. But if you're willing to be patient and teach,...it's up to you. It doesn't make him a bad guy, it just makes it a lot of work for you. we knew each other throughout our school years (kindergarten through high school). The familiarity will help. We are kind of long distance and our primary contact is via text and nearly daily phone calls in between weekly visits. Daily phone calls are really really bad. Should be only once or twice between dates. You're supposed to anticipate and look forward to seeing each other to "catch up" on the "latest". This "needy" daily call stuff will burn you out, bore you, and there will be nothing to talk about when you get together. Could this be his not being able to say the things he may be feeling (that he misses me too) or could he just be “humoring” me? He uses other emoji so this isn’t an off occurrence. It’s happened before. Don't worry about it. Also, how can I encourage him to be more verbal with me?For guys like this it will come naturally as he becomes more comfortable around you. Comfort, familiarity, brings boldness. For you,...perhaps you need to become more comfortable with silence. Like I said,...you have a lot of work ahead of you.
mortensorchid Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 I don't like the sound of this for a few reasons. You already said he's shy - chances are he's shy with a lot of other things in life when it comes to you (we already made a few comments about being in the bedroom, probably also applies with friends and acquaintance - yours or his), but he may not be in other situations (like his work, whatever he does). Is he okay being 2nd in command with you as the first? If so, that's okay but you won't know until time passes. What about his not being in a LTR in the past? I have met a lot of guys who have told me they don't want relationships, yet they will move in with a gal who is willing and eager and want to be taken care of by their steady incomes. Has he never been in one where he knows that infatuation and the endorphins will wear off someday? At age 40 he doesn't know that yet? Maybe if you were both teenagers but not as a full blown adult. All I can say is good luck with this one. You might end up in the boat I have found myself in countless times - waiting for commitment, not getting it, and watching him give it to some trashy girl who keeps it exciting and dramatic at all times, and get taken for a ride.
Gretchen12 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 This guy is a fixer upper. I think we have agreement here that it's going to be difficult. Other women before you have tried. He's not young. He won't change much. Is this guy really your first choice? I ask because, if you really want him, just accept. Be prepared to set aside your own needs. If you're really that crazy about him, just take the emojis and be happy. It's not reasonable to try to change/train someone.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 My thought is that he is prob not super interested in you. From experience, I don't believe there are shy people esp when you have together for a little while. I dated guys like that and I was never happy w/the lack of communication (one was a LDR). Me telling them I wanted more then a text a day fell on deaf ears. I would say if things don't improve find someone who will make you happy.
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 The only way to encourage him to talk to you more is to lead by example. You talk. You show him that your relationship is a safe space. Some people just can't open up. My stoic husband rarely has the words. I have resigned myself that I will never get flowery compliments. Even when I fish for them, I get you look "nice", "good" or "fine". In frustration I once bought him a Thesaurus with those words tabbed & highlighted hoping that he'd say something, anything else. Didn't work. It's not that he doesn't love me. It's just he's not a verbal guy
Author MrsB Posted July 18, 2019 Author Posted July 18, 2019 Thank you all so much for your insight. You certainly have given me a lot to consider. I know he is a work in progress. And I willing to put the work into it. He is a good man. He works hard and has all his ducks in a row when it comes to his life. He just needs work. And I’m willing to put it in. Just need to figure out how and what. Thanks again!!!
kendahke Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Also, how can I encourage him to be more verbal with me? Anytime you want to ask someone to change a behavior, phrase it as "I'd like to make a request..." and fill in the request. He will either say "yes" or "no". He won't be able to read your mind, so you're going to have to speak up for yourself. Also, look up Terri Cole on YT/Apple podcasts--I was just listening to her podcast #105 and a lot of what she talks about in there has to do with communicating what you need.
shydad Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 how can I encourage him to be more verbal with me? Hi MrsB, use positive reinforcement. Praise him when he says what you want to hear. You can also bring it up once in awhile when you talk about your relationship. For example, you could say, "I really like it when you use your words to talk about your feelings for me. I think you feel uncomfortable saying these things, which is why I appreciate what you say so much more."
preraph Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 What does the square emoji mean? I always thought it meant the emoji didn't translate right.
Author MrsB Posted July 19, 2019 Author Posted July 19, 2019 It’s the blushing smiley, eyes closed, with hearts.
Author MrsB Posted July 19, 2019 Author Posted July 19, 2019 Hi MrsB, use positive reinforcement. Praise him when he says what you want to hear. You can also bring it up once in awhile when you talk about your relationship. For example, you could say, "I really like it when you use your words to talk about your feelings for me. I think you feel uncomfortable saying these things, which is why I appreciate what you say so much more." Thank you. I did just this when I saw him tonight. He told me he missed me (unprompted, YAY!) and I smiled. I told him “I missed you too. Thank you for saying it. I need to hear it from you every once in a while.” He smiled and said he would say it more often. 1
Author MrsB Posted July 19, 2019 Author Posted July 19, 2019 Anytime you want to ask someone to change a behavior, phrase it as "I'd like to make a request..." and fill in the request. He will either say "yes" or "no". He won't be able to read your mind, so you're going to have to speak up for yourself. Also, look up Terri Cole on YT/Apple podcasts--I was just listening to her podcast #105 and a lot of what she talks about in there has to do with communicating what you need. Thanks so much! I will check it out!
schlumpy Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) My stoic husband rarely has the words. I have resigned myself that I will never get flowery compliments. Even when I fish for them, I get you look "nice", "good" or "fine". What about words like lifelong, steadfast, loyal, kind, patient, loving, etc. Do you ever hear those? Best Wishes Edited July 19, 2019 by schlumpy
schlumpy Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Mrs. B Try listening closely to what he does say to you instead of listening for what you want him to say. It may be more substantial and fulfilling then you realize at the moment. 1
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