LB2016 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 So I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a year. He’s seemed interested but never gave much effort. He always said something was holding him back but he never wanted to share it. He has issues he’s trying to work through and is right now. At the end of the day though, I know it’s all about what he does that tells how much he’s interested. So I’ve come to peace with that and thought to just come out and say it the other day. I told him I know he just doesn’t feel it with me but that I understand and am OKAY with it. I feel like he’s just maybe afraid to hurt my feelings perhaps. So this is what he said after I texted him: “I thank you for everything. You have been perfect in every way. I just have to figure things out for myself and get myself together.” The “perfect” part threw me off...lol. Just not sure if he was trying to say that he’d want more but isn’t in the right place to pursue anything OR was he trying to let me down easily! What do you make of his response?
alphamale Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 he wants to see what else is out there and may or may not come back to you
schlumpy Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 This is such a small slice of your relationship to make judgement on. Is he affectionate to you? Do you sometime just catch him looking at you a bit wistfully? Does he seek out your hand in crowds? When you stand next him, is he up close or is there some distance? Do hugs come out of nowhere? When he sees you, does he smile? I feel that's important. What you've shown me makes me believe you're a placeholder in his life. I find that sad to think about. After all you've spent a year together. That's a year you could have spent at the center of someone's life. Deciding on your feelings for one another shouldn't take more then a few dates. So I think you are right when you told him you understand he doesn't feel it for you. Just make sure you don't feel it for him when finds your replacement. Best Wishes
PRW Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 It could mean just what it says... But it is a bit over-the-top. Sometimes that could mean they are hiding something and the over-the-top phrases are a way to divert you. Maybe he can't give more to you because you are "sharing" him with more than one woman. Lines like: "I just have to figure things out for myself and get myself together" ...are rather cliche', like excuses out of a bad romance movie or a soap opera. It is often what people "say", when they don't want to "say". I've had my share of problems in my life and so has everyone else, but I have never used any line like that in my life. Too melodramatic,...drama queen stuff. 1
Gretchen12 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 The "perfect" part is to emphasize that "It's not you, it's me." 1
mortensorchid Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 I have heard this before said to me as well as others who have been broken up with. They say I (or the other person) is a catch, but they don't want to be with me because they don't want to commit to me (or the other person). But they will commit to someone else, I promise you. And the person they choose to commit to is not the right person or they are chasing some foolish dream. And wow are they sad when they realize what a mistake they made, but you'd never know it because they are hiding somewhere like cowards. It's time to fish or cut bait and he's cut the bait. It's time to move on for you both.
TheFinalWord Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 You've been putting up with this for a year? You really have to put your needs first too. A relationship is a two-way streak. If he needs to figure things out, no worries, but in the mean time, don't put your life on hold. If you are saying this to him, to try to put pressure on him to make a decision, it won't work. Your best bet is to date other men and find someone that is at the same place you are in life (whatever that is for you). There are tons of men that do want relationships, family, kids, and the whole nine. Why women waste their time on wishy washy men is beyond me... 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 He's not that into you, but is trying to let you down easy. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 This relationship isn't working. One, you are volunteering and suggesting that he dump you ... why? If you don't like his response, dump him? It is extremely dangerous to date someone who is not really into you ... don't care how kind and nice they are ... you will bend to their disinterest, make excuses ... and then you'll just get dumped anyway ... But instead of just regular heartache, this becomes a self-betrayal heartbreak. Move on ... If you have to ask how to interpret a lover's response, then the response was deliberately unclear ... and/or you guys don't communicate well--at all. This is the question you want to put to him. But no ... drop this guy. Find someone who is deeply interested in you. You deserve that.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 The "perfect" part is to emphasize that "It's not you, it's me." Yes, this is precisely how I interpreted it too. I'm sorry OP, but if it hasn't gone anywhere after a year, it's time for you to move on. He thinks you're a good woman but he doesn't want to take things further.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 he dont want what you want and trying to let you down easy move on date other men that will be clear about wanting to be with you
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Ugh. Why did you text him this? It is completely impossible to have emotionally laden conversations about important stuff like the status of a relationship through text. Anyone who endeavors to use this terrible medium is a fool for trying. That said, his response is just him trying to let you down gently. As others already indicated, it's a differently worded version of "it's not you, it's me." He gave you a compliment before sending you on your way.
Author LB2016 Posted July 18, 2019 Author Posted July 18, 2019 Thank you so much for all of the replies! I always love coming to this board because I WANT real, unfiltered responses. We're often soooo quick to make excuses and not see the reality of things. Reading your answers just reassures me of what I've been thinking and why I told him what I did. In no way did I tell him that to threaten him or indirectly pressure him to commit to me. I honestly think I did it more for MYSELF. I told him what I did to help me be able to realize the reality of the situation even more and to give myself that closure. Because I feel if it were left up to him, he would keep it open-ended and keep stinging me along in his own way. I know he has issues and to be honest, I even think there's a "dark" truth that he's keeping from me. I've always wondered if THAT is what has held him back...because he's afraid that exposing that truth to me would make me see him in a completely different light, one that is a negative one. I think that's why I latched on to the "perfect" in his response. I've always fought with the uncertainty of him being hesitant to have a committed relationship with be is because of something about ME, or is it his own stuff that's holding him back. Regardless of ALL of that though, I've finally learned to take the simple approach to it...to NOT pick it apart, to not make excuses, etc. I just now look at it as this is just NOT working, it's OK that it's not, and it's time to move on! I finally after so long GET IT and the clarity actually brings so much peace. 1
stillafool Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 OP, the last time you posted about this guy was in March where he wasn't contacting you. Did you guys get back together? You were pretty sure back then that it was over and you were going to move on because you hadn't heard from him.
Author LB2016 Posted July 18, 2019 Author Posted July 18, 2019 That was last year (March, 2018). This is a different guy.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Regardless of ALL of that though, I've finally learned to take the simple approach to it...to NOT pick it apart, to not make excuses, etc. I just now look at it as this is just NOT working, it's OK that it's not, and it's time to move on! This follow that mindset with your dealings with men and you will do well
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 (edited) So I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a year. He’s seemed interested but never gave much effort. He always said something was holding him back but he never wanted to share it. He has issues he’s trying to work through and is right now. At the end of the day though, I know it’s all about what he does that tells how much he’s interested. So I’ve come to peace with that and thought to just come out and say it the other day. I told him I know he just doesn’t feel it with me but that I understand and am OKAY with it. I feel like he’s just maybe afraid to hurt my feelings perhaps. So this is what he said after I texted him: “I thank you for everything. You have been perfect in every way. I just have to figure things out for myself and get myself together.” The “perfect” part threw me off...lol. Just not sure if he was trying to say that he’d want more but isn’t in the right place to pursue anything OR was he trying to let me down easily! What do you make of his response? Ego satiating and keeping you on the hook so that you start thinking exactly what you're thinking . . . and then when his options are completely dried up and/or he figures out his sh*t, you'll probably still be there waiting . . He doesn't want to burn any bridges in case he needs to circle back. It's still a kiss off. Perfect means you didn't do anything wrong. You just aren't perfect for him at the moment. When he doesn't find one who is perfect for him, he may come around to settle. If this one comes back around, don't think it's because he finally realized he couldn't live without you Edited July 18, 2019 by Redhead14
lurker74 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Many people are bad at breaking up. Not because they are good people but because they don't like feeling guilty. He's barely given you anything and you still put up with it so he doesn't have to really break up with you since you ask very little of him. In some ways, you have been, indeed, perfect. But you have not been true to yourself. Someone that is really into you will be into you regardless. Regardless of work, regardless of family issues, regardless of dark things in their past. And for someone that isn't into you, any excuse to not give you what you need is good enough for them. Oscar Wilde wrote about men (and really, women) killing the thing he loves: Some strangle with the hands of Lust, Some with the hands of Gold: The kindest use a knife, because The dead so soon grow cold. Your ex (and he is an ex) was afraid to use a knife so he's letting you suffer rather than just telling you it's not working. I'm sorry. 2
ChatroomHero Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 I expect he liked you, was attracted to you on some level, but in the end you weren't "the one" and he knew it. Probably everything on paper looked great, so he had a hard time explaining or giving a clear reason. Like another poster said, his text was an "it's not you, it's me" text.
smackie9 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Learn from this experience: never put up with half assed interest. Actions speak louder than words. As soon as they start to waffle, kick promptly to curb. 1
Author LB2016 Posted July 18, 2019 Author Posted July 18, 2019 I agree, Hero. Perhaps on paper I met every check mark but it just wasn’t “there” and that’s exactly what I told him. I get it now and that’s ok. I agree too that I have to be true to myself! Regardless of how I feel about them, I can’t stick around trying to make a circle fit into a square peg. Too much time wasted but yes- lesson learned! I go back and forth about the ego part. Sometimes I agree with that theory and then I think there was a genuine side of him that just didn’t realize he didn’t want me in that way but maybe couldn’t even figure out why. It’s still a mystery to me! Lol
Recommended Posts