BJP1991 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 New girl I’ve seen twice so far, about once per week. Could see it becoming something greater at some point - we have a lot of common interests. We had sex on our second date after drinks at a few bars near my place. She didn’t spend the night and I dropped her off at the end. She said she liked that I called her to setup our second date and if I call and ever get a voicemail to leave one and she will call me back. Throughout the second date she mentioned I could come over after work some evening sometime soon. It’s been 3 days since that evening date and I’m planning to call her tomorrow evening to setup another date. What does everyone think about waiting 3-5 days after each date (in the first month or two) to call and setup the next date? We went out Saturday and my plan is to call Thursday - how does everyone go about setting up dates early on, within the first month of knowing someone?
Versacehottie Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 (edited) If you like her, I think this is too long to go in between dates with no real contact. If you don't let good momentum creep in, bad feelings will (usually). IMO, if you only have the time and resources and wherewithal to date her once a week that's fine, but keep more of the banter and connection going in between. It could be about random stuff, just every day life, reference back to something you talked about or joked about on the previous date. In fact, i think you should put some things into conversation ON the date so that there is a reason to follow up or give an update. Or if you are asking her about an upcoming thing in her life, than you have a reason to check in with her to see "how it went". Just using work as an example, say you are talking about your work and having a big week coming up for a presentation, important meeting etc, then let her know how it went. Or vice versa, if she is telling you about something in her work, then follow up about that. You can do this with any subject matter. Good luck Btw, you can do this by text ^^^ and every once and a while by phone call (without the specific purpose being date setting up). Just go with what is real and organic to you. Edited July 17, 2019 by Versacehottie
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I think it's an OK pace but in this modern world if that is your only in between contact many will tell you it's too little & a sign of low interest. You can wait to schedule the dates but you should have some point of contact at least every other day. 1
Gretchen12 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 "waiting 3-5 days"? If you have no contact with her during this time, then you suddenly call up as if you're buddies, she'll know you're either playing games (deliberately waiting) or you're a player (been sleeping with 3-5 other women). Either way it's reason for her to write you off. 2
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 Some people don't think they should "check in" after a date.
Normm Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 What does everyone think about waiting 3-5 days after each date (in the first month or two) to call and setup the next date? Given that you've already had sex and you get along well and you are seeing each other regularly, and she's responsive to seeing you again, waiting 3-5 days for no good reason is a stupid idea. 4
Flame Aura Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I think it's a ridiculous idea, what exactly are you waiting for? Call, message, whatever the next day. This whole waiting x amount of time between contact is some silly teenage thing. If someone likes you they are not going to care if you wait 1 day instead of 5, why exactly would they? Makes no sense. 1
Normm Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 If someone likes you they are not going to care if you wait 1 day instead of 5, why exactly would they? Makes no sense. I think this comes from the old adage "dating is a game". We always put our best foot forward when we meet someone for the first time. We don't belch or fart (loudly), we try to use manners, we don't necessarily reveal negative attributes such as drug or alcohol addiction, gambling problems, or that 10 year stint in the local jail for armed robbery. Along those same lines we often need to "set the hook" and give the fish time to chew it a bit before pulling, or we lose the fish. Especially when you might be competing with others, due to the person being a "multiple dater". One way to be more attractive besides the whole "best foot forward, worst foot stays under the table", is to be somewhat less available, to build the attraction, the mystery and seem like you've got a busy, productive independent life- even if you don't. So to avoid seeming needy and desperate which are offputting qualities, it's often said to wait a certain period of time to contact the other person. It's completely fake, and oftentimes doesn't do any good but that's where it comes from. Not all dating is like this. Sometimes the two parties are real, honest, and click from the start and it's all good going forward. Sometimes it's too much too soon and it burns out- but I'm getting ahead of myself here. In this case, the girl clearly likes him, so to play that stupid "wait to contact her" game can only make things go sour.
Author BJP1991 Posted July 17, 2019 Author Posted July 17, 2019 Thanks for the replies. For more context, at the end of our date she was asking me what my week was like and I told her the truth: my week is completely shot until the weekend when I am available again. Perhaps this is enough to justify my waiting to call her. To be honest, I’m not in any rush, so people telling me to call the next day or contact every day I simply won’t be paying attention to. I’ve had way too many women get turned off when I’ve tried to initiate contact the next day after a date.. This girl is very independent and has a great head on her shoulders. I don’t think waiting another day would be offputting, and I promise you all I’m not playing games. I have a busy work week and social life, and I’m actually just dating around at this point (I have a first date tonight with a new girl, actually). Everyone always says that mystery creates attraction. Well, let me ask this: does chasing and calling a girl 1 or even 2 days after you just saw her last do anything to create mystery? If not, it would dilute mystery, am I right? Plus, waiting allows time for her to think about me or even, dare I say, reach out to me first, right? Thoughts on that with the added context? Thanks!
Normm Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 promise you all I’m not playing games. Dude you're on a relationship forum asking if you should wait a few days to call. Rather than just, calling. Because you want to. That's the definition of the "should I play the wait and call" game. You really need to be more self-aware. Also you need to be more considerate. The girl opened herself up to you, literally and figuratively. She could be posting on here asking about some guy she met and had sex with who hardly ever calls her and she doesn't think he's interested in her and she's hurt because she really likes him and now she regrets sleeping with him so quickly.
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 If you are busy, you are busy but maybe every other day if you can take 10 seconds & shoot off a "hope your week is less stressful then mine" so she knows you are thinking about her without you saying something over the top & clingy / weak like "miss you" or "thinking about you" you should be fine. You don't have to call. FWIW I make a lot of social calls during my commute. With Bluetooth streaming through the wifi in the car, it's very convenient when you are crunched for time. 1
Gretchen12 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 Everyone always says that mystery creates attraction. Well, let me ask this: does chasing and calling a girl 1 or even 2 days after you just saw her last do anything to create mystery? If not, it would dilute mystery, am I right? Plus, waiting allows time for her to think about me or even, dare I say, reach out to me first, right? Deliberately creating mystery, and holding off to entice her to think about you, are commonly referred to as playing games. Don't be so extreme. No one is telling you to chase. Why does it have to be all or nothing? Even business associates touch base with you between meetings. If you are too busy to send one text between Saturday and Thursday, and you're so preoccupied with dating new girls to think about this woman that you slept with, why are you having time to write about her on this forum? You are not curious to get to know the person you had sex with, you are not interested to talk to her some evening about what you might have in common. You keep doing this once a week thing and soon you both realize you still know nothing about each other. It's just once a week booty calls. 1
Flame Aura Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I’ve had way too many women get turned off when I’ve tried to initiate contact the next day after a date.. That's because they didn't like you after your date, not because you contacted them the next day. "I had a really great date last night with this guy and really like him, but he's just messaged me and it's only the next day, well that's a big turn off I won't be seeing him again" said no woman on earth EVER. You need to grow up and stop playing games. 3
Normm Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 You need to grow up and stop playing games. He doesn't seem to think he's playing games. He promised.
PRW Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 It’s been 3 days since that evening date and I’m planning to call her tomorrow evening to setup another date. What does everyone think about waiting 3-5 days after each date (in the first month or two) to call and setup the next date? It is perfect for the 1-2 week range. You modify it when she starts to reach out to you and take her own active part in the process. By the end of the 2nd month you should be getting close to exclusivity and then everything is a little more cooperative rather than one sided. You don't actually expect to get consistent answers from all participants do you? That is never ever ever going to happen.
MaleIntuition Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 And you ladies need to grow up, cut this guy some slack, and realise that we aren’t living in 1865; if he is playing games by not texting her so is SHE.
Normm Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 if he is playing games by not texting her so is SHE. She did it so it's ok for me to do it! That's elementary school thinking. Somebody's gotta take the high road. Besides, it's not uncommon for the girl to naturally defer to the guy to be strong, be the alpha, take the lead and set the pace. It's evolution. There should be a phone app for this. I would call it "The date game playing how soon to call" App. You could input things like "perceived level of interest", how far you got sexually, how many times you see each other in person, last date of contact and who initiated it, and the app gives you the next earliest day you should call.
Inflikted Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 This is a subject I find interesting, because I've never dated at all, and I've always been pretty "socially inept". I would've said that texting/ contacting someone "once a week" would be my "playing it safe" mentality. To be honest, I've always been worried about being a "clingy/ needy" guy. Because I don't know social "norms", I'd err on the side of trying not to be clingy or needy or desperate for her attention. But apparently that's not quite right...? Heck, I finally made a couple of friends over the last year, and I generally try to stick to "once a week" texting with them, too, for the same reason. I'd love to contact them more frequently, as would I love to be in more frequent contact with a potential girlfriend, but I don't want to seem overly attached and overeager for attention.
spiderowl Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 If I really like a guy, I want to hear from him and to see him when we are both free. If we had sex and he didn't contact me the next day, I would be feeling annoyed after 2 days. Communication is important - you don't need to harass the woman but please make her feel valued and respected by staying in touch with her at least once a day. 1
Normm Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 T love to be in more frequent contact with a potential girlfriend, but I don't want to seem overly attached and overeager for attention. I get the whole "don't want to appear needy and clingy" and I agree that being a bit cautious at first and holding back on the contact, may have it's place. But a week is too long no matter what the situation might be.
Versacehottie Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 Ok well leaving the "having had sex" part out of the equation, I still think when you have a busy week (and also don't want things to speed up too much), you keep more consistent contact that lets her know you're thinking about her, i.e. texts or a quick call from the car. It's not to ask for another date or speed up how often you see her. Actually some mystery is ok but I think equally girls respond to connection--it's often in the little things and becoming a part of someone's every day life (starting as every few days, every other day). It shows that you are fun or good to be around even during the more routine parts of life, not just the more momentous like a date or an event. IMO, that's better than the mystery. As far as mystery goes I think you are trying to create it arbitrarily with by trying to get timing of things working to your advantage rather than to create it naturally. I'd say mystery is good in that a person wants to you know better because they like what they are seeing and doing with you, not that it's created by effectively disappearing. Ok, now add sex into the mix and I would think you can amp up whatever I said above. Her feelings, if she is typical, are probably more hurt, annoyed, etc. You'd be playing a riskier game with this as a strategy. If you truly don't like talking on the phone or sending little texts (without much purpose other than keeping the connection going), then set the next date at the end of the current date--that way she has some assurance and something to look forward to. Part of the excitement for good dating is in the anticipation of more fun times to come. IMO, I think the day after first time sex, yah, you should have made some contact, if only to say you had a great time. As far as your date with another girl, don't ever get into details. It's "meeting up with a friend" if it comes up. Don't go where there's a possibility you will run into her. Everyone knows people from apps are multi-dating but no one wants it in their face. People like other people wherein the effort they have expended creates positive response (healthy normal people). A neutral or no response is read as apathetic, uninterested or can create anger or hurt which then if you still have a chance you will have to overcome or diffuse. 1
MaleIntuition Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 She did it so it's ok for me to do it! That's elementary school thinking. Somebody's gotta take the high road. Besides, it's not uncommon for the girl to naturally defer to the guy to be strong, be the alpha, take the lead and set the pace. It's evolution. There should be a phone app for this. I would call it "The date game playing how soon to call" App. You could input things like "perceived level of interest", how far you got sexually, how many times you see each other in person, last date of contact and who initiated it, and the app gives you the next earliest day you should call. No, it’s simple and plain me calling out double standard - you are judging him, but not her for the exact same thing. Another common example of such double standards are when men dump women for sleeping with them early. He has asked her out twice and has a plan for asking her out again. And who’s to decide then, what’s game playing and what’s just common sense? Hell. Shouldn’t he be alpha? Take the lead and slam a damn ring on her finger right now? After all: evolution.
Normm Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 you are judging him, but not her for the exact same thing. She's not the one here asking questions. If she was I'd tell her the same thing. And who’s to decide then, what’s game playing and what’s just common sense? You can see the names of the posters who decided he's playing games - they appear to the left of the posts that say "he is playing games". 2
preraph Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 To me, it sounds fine, but you will just have to ask her how much in between phone contact she likes and find a compromise. I mean, I was so busy when I was young and had a lot going on. It would have been great just to have a date on Saturday nights and then do other things plus rest up in between, but each to his own. 1
Inflikted Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I get the whole "don't want to appear needy and clingy" and I agree that being a bit cautious at first and holding back on the contact, may have it's place. But a week is too long no matter what the situation might be. Heh, well, hey, I'm only chiming in as someone that's super naive and doesn't know anything about anything when it comes to dating, relationships, or any of that. But I am fascinated by it, and about learning how stuff should work.
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