NEB01 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 How do you handle a "I have been hurt before, I don't want to jump back in to something, I want to take it slow" type situation. I have known this girl forever, family friends, never anything more than friends. I invited her as a date to a wedding just because I knew she'd be pure entertainment. We ended up doing a lot of kissing and she actually ended up sleeping with me (no sex) which is extremely surprising. Over the past couple weeks we have been hanging out once-twice a week. Going on dates, kissing etc. A couple days ago we were talking and she said something along the lines of "I don't want to hurt your feelings but I'm not ready to jump into something, I dated my last boyfriend for 4 years and ended up with a broken heart. I really like hanging out but I want to take things slow and see where they end up" Prior to this I asked if she wanted to hang out this week and she never really gave me a straight answer. I just responded with "so what your saying is you have walls built way up" and she said yes. I'm not sure how to handle it, I also do not care to rush it, but I don't like the feeling of being scared to ask her to hangout etc. There is no flirting when we text, but we also rarely text, she is never on her phone (as long as I've known her she is never on her phone) she will text me a couple times in the morning and night and maybe once around lunch. So how do I react, I've never been in this position. Do I keep asking her to hangout or just leave it and wait for her to ask? I didn't text her today and she actually just texted me first as I was typing this.
preraph Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I wouldn't pursue her. If she was truly interested in continuing a romantic relationship with you, Number 1, y'all already know each other -- I think that's "slow" enough, don't you? Number 2, she's hung up on her ex. Number 3, if she was truly interested, the LAST thing she would do is discourage you by saying she isn't ready. You can't go much slower than you're been going already. She's not really interested. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 You handle it by not having discussions about your relationship. You neither offer nor expect exclusivity but you tell her that & you don't push for sex. (You can flirt & nudge)
kendahke Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 (edited) How do you handle a "I have been hurt before, I don't want to jump back in to something, I want to take it slow" type situation. I handle it by slamming on the breaks with them and diverting my interest to someone who has already addressed their past relationship issues and resolved them. I'm not here to unpack or own their issues. A person who is still hung up on being hurt before (like who hasn't?) is someone who needs a therapist more than they need a boy/girlfriend. "I don't want to hurt your feelings but I'm not ready to jump into something, I dated my last boyfriend for 4 years and ended up with a broken heart. I really like hanging out but I want to take things slow and see where they end up" Translation: You're good enough to mark time with, but not take seriously as a boyfriend. I don't necessarily want you, but I do want some guy's attention and you'll do for now. Edited July 17, 2019 by kendahke 3
Flame Aura Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I handle it by slamming on the breaks with them and diverting my interest to someone who has already addressed their past relationship issues and resolved them. I'm not here to unpack or own their issues. A person who is still hung up on being hurt before (like who hasn't?) is someone who needs a therapist more than they need a boy/girlfriend. Translation: You're good enough to mark time with, but not take seriously as a boyfriend. I don't necessarily want you, but I do want some guy's attention and you'll do for now. This is spot on. 2
The Outlaw Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 It's best to let it go. She wouldn't be a good bet for anything serious for anyone anytime soon unless she's willing to let her guard down enough to let someone else get close to her, and having been there myself, (and still) in that position, it may never happen. If you've been burned badly enough before, you will be less willing to want to trust anyone. Period. I get that she's been hurt, we all have, but as much as you like her, move on.
Sam2020 Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 I handle it by slamming on the breaks with them and diverting my interest to someone who has already addressed their past relationship issues and resolved them. I'm not here to unpack or own their issues. A person who is still hung up on being hurt before (like who hasn't?) is someone who needs a therapist more than they need a boy/girlfriend. Translation: You're good enough to mark time with, but not take seriously as a boyfriend. I don't necessarily want you, but I do want some guy's attention and you'll do for now. Yes to this if you're looking for a real love relationship! If you just want to "hang out" and be friends, then don't expect anything at all from her.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 I would leave and find someone who is ready to date. Honestly I believe that people who say that are total commitment phobic. By saying these things they open up an opportunity to hurt you in the future w/no consequences. No consequences because they warned you from the start. When I broke up w/my ex, I needed time to recover. Guess what? I DIDN"T date anyone until I was ready. None of this take it slow bs. If you want a relationship, do not pursue her. Find someone who doesn't need to take things slow. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 How do you handle a "I have been hurt before, I don't want to jump back in to something, I want to take it slow" type situation? 1. You don't invest in a such a person who is basically telling you they are too emotionally troubled to date. 2. You don't "wait" for a person to heal. 3. Don't assume they will heal. 4. Understand that getting involved with such a person is setting yourself up for neglect. Oh, I haven't been treating you right? ... it's because I'm still hurting. 5. The rule of now. Date someone who is ready to date now. Right now. Not gradually, not over time. 6. By all means avoid falling for the hero fantasy that you'll be the patient partner who waits and she heals and she's so grateful for you and your patience. That NEVER happens. I don't even think Hallmark runs movies like that. Modern humans have been around for an estimated 200,000 years. The heroic, patient partner fantasy has worked out about twice in 200,000 years. 1
Author NEB01 Posted July 23, 2019 Author Posted July 23, 2019 So I basically stopped putting in any effort, kind of came to grips with it is what it is. She texts me all the time still and I keep it strictly friendly and never text first. I'm for sure not waiting around for her any more. 1
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