KrimzonWolf Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 Hi everyone, I'm a 21 year old guy, and very inexperienced with dating and such. Due to my inexperience, I tend to get attached way too quickly...to the point where it's stupid. Is this something that will wear off over time? Or could there be some strange inner turmoil causing this neediness. I've noticed that a very intense level of insecurity arises when the girl I'm talking to doesn't text back soon enough. I made the mistake of scheduling 4 dates within the second week of talking to a girl recently. It didn't even occur to me until she started pulling back on the texts and phone calls, so fortunately I've been able to let her off easy without her knowing how worked up I got. I've been on a one date with a different girl since that screw up, but I still get angry at myself for getting too excited. The new girl is definitely not going to work out since she's not my type, but even with her I started feeling sad that it wasn't going to continue. Any advice or tips are greatly appreciated. I'm an optimist by nature, so I end up getting depressed very easily when things don't work out.
mortensorchid Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 Guy, I am a 44 year old woman and I STILL have anxieties! If I had the all purpose answer, I would tell you what the answer is, but I don't. The only thing I can suggest to you (and others) is to get involved with other things. Serve your community in some way (mine was/is in martial arts, theater, and adult literacy, currently looking for something else). Find out what you're good at other than sitting around the house watching TV, reading books, playing video games, etc. It takes the focus off of you and onto other things, you'll be happier in general. 1
schlumpy Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I guarantee that the excitement will wear out. Just hang in there. One thing I'm a bit unclear on, is your excitement expressed by scheduling dates or worrying about length of time between texts or is it expressed in that you want to see her, feel her touch and get high on her smile when she sees you? I hope it's the latter. Best Wishes
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 Stop getting excited about every girl you meet. Easier said then done, but you can practice w/each girl you meet. I had the same issue as you and started putting myself out there more, so if one guy didn't text back, it wasn't a big deal.
Gretchen12 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I think you are not getting attached to the person as you hardly know her. You get easily attached to the idea of love/romance/girl. That's why you are sad even when you are the one rejecting the girl that was not a match. You seem to want something badly. Maybe you should think about what it is you envision and hope for. Is it marriage and family? Is it romance and being loved? Is it companionship, someone to do things with? Sex? Is it your self image? You don't need to answer here, just think about it on your own. Often when you want a situation badly, it doesn't work out so well because in your mind you have this plan and the girl is only filling the role. Getting a text from her is about you, it is her playing her role to your plan. Even if she dates you regularly, you don't have a foundation of friendship. Try to forget about "succeeding". You should go slow, try to get to know these people and not worry too much about where it leads. I'm not sure if it gets better with age. There are plenty of older men and women who are still chasing the idea not the person. For example, there are people who get married just to have someone. If you are not self aware you can "succeed" in getting yourself into a loveless marriage.
lurker74 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I would say, yes, it would wear off some. But you can work on it in the meantime. Keep this in mind: you limbic system is where your emotions are housed. It is running the show when you feel anxiety and over-excitement. The part of your brain that wrote your message here was the neo cortex. As you practice (and it does take practice), you can force your neo cortex to be in control more often. So engage your neo cortex by thinking about a girl more like a chess match. "Hmmm. if I move this piece here, she'll likely move that piece there..." That SHOULD cause you to be slightly less emotionally engaged. Just keep in mind that the emotions are actually GOOD things when they are used appropriately. Your emotions give you the energy (along with your libido) to actually WANT to do this stuff. So put the horse before the cart, engage your neo cortex more, and when you need the energy, let yourself become a bit more excited. I know this is easier said that done but with time it gets easier. 1
Recommended Posts