soulseek Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I (28/f) met a (33/m) who I have been seeing/ conversing with on the daily for about 3 months. He often made comments about me talking to other guys, questioned if I was hanging out with other guys while at he was away at work. I did not understand the seriousness of the questions, considering how early on things were. I did stop messaging random guys/ going on dates as he said doesn't want to be with a girl who lives for the attention of random guys. I was okay with that and proceeded to drop other guys.. although I vocalized that we werent in a committed relationship nor was he my boyfriend to sort of gauge his response. However, that conversation fell flat. Last week, a friend asked who I was going to a concert with, and I said a guy (aka the guy I've been seeing). This guy I am seeing responded by saying, "I am not just some guy.." I also told him I recently decided to buy a house as I was finally single again. His response was "well you're no longer single" He has thrown out all these little side comments that have me confused. I am confused because he did mention he had to end things with another girl in March because she wanted something serious. What is serious? He doesn't think I should be talking to other guys, but yet we do things together and he posts the images that do not include me in them. Looks like he did the same thing with the girl from March. I am anxious because I feel like i need a more solid answer to what this is. I dont know how to have this convo as I feel like weve sorta had it a few times and I've been beating around the bush trying to get an answer. It seems like he has these expectations of me not talking to guys but has a fear of showing that he is with a girl..
preraph Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 This is not a good guy. this is a guy who just intends to bully you into only seeing him while he does whatever he wants to do. You should not be exclusive to him. He sounds very unreasonable. you just tell him that exclusivity is a two-way street. 2
Author soulseek Posted July 17, 2019 Author Posted July 17, 2019 Unfortunately we have kinda danced around the conversation of exclusivity and I constantly feel like every time I haven't really made what I am looking for clear. He is away at work for sometime, how would you bring this conversation up as straight forwardly as possible?
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 A man wanting you and wanting access to you are two different things. 2
Author soulseek Posted July 17, 2019 Author Posted July 17, 2019 This is not a good guy. this is a guy who just intends to bully you into only seeing him while he does whatever he wants to do. You should not be exclusive to him. He sounds very unreasonable. you just tell him that exclusivity is a two-way street. A man wanting you and wanting access to you are two different things. so what do I say to him?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 He expects you to be exclusive while he dates other women? Tell him it's over and goodbye. There's no future with him. 1
Author soulseek Posted July 17, 2019 Author Posted July 17, 2019 He expects you to be exclusive while he dates other women? Tell him it's over and goodbye. There's no future with him. He is not seeing other women. But he filters what he posts in regards to places we have gone for the day are single images of himself.
Blanco Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I've noticed that with the emergence of dating apps, people seem more hesitant to bring up the Defining the Relationship topic, for fear that it might look too needy or pushy. Three months, though, is plenty of time to determine whether or not you want exclusivity. And there's no harm in defining the relationship, just so neither person has a backdoor way out of excusing talking to or sleeping with someone else. With the emergence of dating apps, I've noticed that a lot more people seem hesitant to have this discussion, for fear that it comes off as too pushy or needy. But I think it's reasonable to want to know you're on the same page with someone. Three months isn't a huge amount of time in the grand scheme of things, but it's not an insignificant amount of time to invest in someone if it's not going anywhere beyond its current incarnation. 2
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 This is not a good guy. this is a guy who just intends to bully you into only seeing him while he does whatever he wants to do. You should not be exclusive to him. He sounds very unreasonable. you just tell him that exclusivity is a two-way street. Exactly! He has you where he wants you, all to himself while he sees whoever he wants. Tell him you are free to talk to other guys unless there is a relationship on the table. Tell him what you want and if he can't give it to you, leave. 1
preraph Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 You just don't agree to exclusivity. He only wants you to stop dating. Obviously he's keeping himself out there. This is not a good guy. He doesn't want you two to be exclusive. He just wants to boss you around. Just tell him the last you checked, he was still listing himself as single, and that you're not doing a one way arrangement, and meanwhile you keep yourself out there and keep dating. As long as he can keep you from dating other people and still do whatever he wants, why wouldn't he? If you stay in this arrangement, that's on you.
Redhead14 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 so what do I say to him? "I don't feel as though we are suited for each other. I am going to move on. I wish you all the best for the future". Then, block, delete, forget. There is a phenomenon that exists: "I don't really want him/her but I don't want anyone else to have them either". 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I normally am not a ask again if you had the conversation kind of a girl but honestly you had many opportunities to have this dude clarify when he was saying those ambiguous things so this is a circumstance where I would want you to get clear and direct "Joe you say alot of things that I am confused by. Are we in an exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend relationship?" see what he says anything other than yes/of course/I want to be then you immediately ignore him, move on, and date other men if he wants to come back around and actually be exclusive he know where to find you if you want to be and if its not too late. but dont you dare wait on his butt anymore. I normally recommend you just move on when a guy doesnt ask for exclusivity at all at 3 months but in this case he kinda sorta have brought it up and I dont understand whats going on with your end that you cant get any further clarification when he did 3 months is more than enough time. dont tolerate anymore cryptic confusing talk while waiting on him to make it official.
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 He is not seeing other women. Maybe maybe not...but what he is doing is making himself look available to other women......keeping his options open. I bet money on it, the last girl dumped him not him dumping her.
Redhead14 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 "Hey, Xname. My overall dating goal is to find a quality, long-term, committed relationship for myself. I am enjoying the time we spend together and I am not interested in dating other people. How are you feeling about things between us?" 1
stillafool Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I am anxious because I feel like i need a more solid answer to what this is. I dont know how to have this convo as I feel like weve sorta had it a few times and I've been beating around the bush trying to get an answer. It seems like he has these expectations of me not talking to guys but has a fear of showing that he is with a girl.. Why are you anxious when all you have to do is ask him?
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I may be reading this all wrong but I vocalized that we werent in a committed relationship nor was he my boyfriend Last week, a friend asked who I was going to a concert with, and I said a guy I also told him I recently decided to buy a house as I was finally single again. Ok but seems to me, you are telling him you are not his gf, you see him as just "a guy" and you are finally single again as that is what you want... I suggest you talk to him and tell him you WANT to be his gf and you WANT to be serious with him. Men need to be told straight from the hip. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I vocalized that we werent in a committed relationship nor was he my boyfriend to sort of gauge his response. * * * This guy I am seeing responded by saying, "I am not just some guy.." I also told him I recently decided to buy a house as I was finally single again. His response was "well you're no longer single" * * * It seems like he has these expectations of me not talking to guys but has a fear of showing that he is with a girl.. I can understand where his statement that he ended things with this other woman in March because she was getting too serious threw you for a loop but the rest of the confusion falls on you. When he said that he didn't want you seeing other guys, instead of verbally confirming that you two were exclusive, you went out of your way to announce that he was not your BF. From that comment he had to conclude you were keeping him at arm's length. Then you called him "some guy" not the guy you had been seeing or even by his name when you were talking to your friend about him. Again, that is you putting distance in here. What's he supposed to think? When he said "you're no longer single" that was your cue to ask him to define the parameters of your relationship. Given the fact that you said he was not your BF, that you two are not committed, and that he's just "some guy" you were going to a concert with, I don't blame him for not plastering you all over his social media page. In his mind announcing that you are a couple in that forum when everything you have actually said tells him that is not what you want is asking for trouble. You also don't know what he meant that the other woman was too serious. If she was pressing for marriage that could have made him bolt. At no point did he say that asking for the title of GF / BF was too much. You & many others jumped way out to a conclusion for that but it does make you wonder that if she was tossed out in March & you came along in April, how long do his relationships usually last? Instead of guessing, supposing & condemning him have a frank discussion with him & you be more direct in your own communications. So far you are the one leaving the wrong impression, imo. 1
Author soulseek Posted July 18, 2019 Author Posted July 18, 2019 I can understand where his statement that he ended things with this other woman in March because she was getting too serious threw you for a loop but the rest of the confusion falls on you. When he said that he didn't want you seeing other guys, instead of verbally confirming that you two were exclusive, you went out of your way to announce that he was not your BF. From that comment he had to conclude you were keeping him at arm's length. Then you called him "some guy" not the guy you had been seeing or even by his name when you were talking to your friend about him. Again, that is you putting distance in here. What's he supposed to think? When he said "you're no longer single" that was your cue to ask him to define the parameters of your relationship. Given the fact that you said he was not your BF, that you two are not committed, and that he's just "some guy" you were going to a concert with, I don't blame him for not plastering you all over his social media page. In his mind announcing that you are a couple in that forum when everything you have actually said tells him that is not what you want is asking for trouble. You also don't know what he meant that the other woman was too serious. If she was pressing for marriage that could have made him bolt. At no point did he say that asking for the title of GF / BF was too much. You & many others jumped way out to a conclusion for that but it does make you wonder that if she was tossed out in March & you came along in April, how long do his relationships usually last? Instead of guessing, supposing & condemning him have a frank discussion with him & you be more direct in your own communications. So far you are the one leaving the wrong impression, imo. So the new news is that although we have been talking for 3 months, his job of working out of town for 2 weeks at a time has put distance between us actually hanging out. He stated commitment is big deal for him, and he feels like he needs to understand me better, see if our values and wants align before we commit to boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship. The way i presented it to him, made him feel like he was being put in a position to either commit or walk away -- which he didn't like. In terms of boundaries, are these reasonable or should i still be hesitant about his intentions? He believes that if i want to pursue a serious relationship in the future, that i should not be talking to other guys... and if asked, i should tell people i am "seeing someone." He states he will not be seeing others or entertaining other females. I am still concerned about out outings.. for example, we went hiking/ camping last week and all photos that were posted were scenery shots, or single images of him that i took. According to his social media pages, going back months/ years, this seems to be a trend where it looks as if he adventures solo... but its my assumption he is with females that he does not want to expose to the world...
Author soulseek Posted July 18, 2019 Author Posted July 18, 2019 I may be reading this all wrong but Ok but seems to me, you are telling him you are not his gf, you see him as just "a guy" and you are finally single again as that is what you want... I suggest you talk to him and tell him you WANT to be his gf and you WANT to be serious with him. Men need to be told straight from the hip. I think this is kind of a defence mechanism... perhaps a way to gauge his response. which I know isn't right..
MaleIntuition Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 He is telling you that you are exclusive, but not his girlfriend. Sounds to me that he has been pretty straightforward with what he wants and expects: Dating each other and not seeing others. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 In terms of boundaries, are these reasonable or should i still be hesitant about his intentions? I think you should be cautious but not hesitant. I think he wants the action of exclusivity -- not multi-dating & saying the phrase seeing someone rather than dating -- but he's freaked out by the words. Yes, I realize it's been 3 months but if you can go with the flow a little more & not be so hung up on the words / labels I think this might be OK. Also don't be all that concerned about social media. Yes, it can be tough. It feels a bit like he's hiding you & the relationship but I don't get the sense that he's doing it so he can attract other women. I think he doesn't post your photo because he don't want nosy pressure filled Qs from his friends or family. For all you know the minute his mom sees a picture of a woman on his page she'll start wedding planning. 1
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