georgiagirl76 Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I just wanted to post this in hopes to give others some hope. I went through a bad break up over a year ago. I handled it wrong- I called him, texted him, emailed, any form of communication you can think of when it first happened. We were engaged and I had to deal with cancelling dress fittings and getting the invitations in after the break up. People kept telling me no contact was best- I eventually switched to no contact and after 2-3 months of no contact he ended up talking to me. We got back together briefly. There are good things that came out of this- 1. NC eventually allowed me to process the grief and start healing. 2. It made me really evaluate the situation and know what I wanted 3. Thus, when he did get in contact with me I was prepared to make an informed decision and actually decided not to get back together with him. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THOUGH- Now that I am going through the first break up after the one I wrote about above- I have been able to cope so much better. I started no contact from day one. It has been 16 days and I am really starting to feel better. I do have down moments or feelings of anxiety and yes I still miss and love him. However, I didn't feel destroyed or debilitated for more than a few days. The pain is still powerful but I am able to work and interact now without it taking over. It took all of the past two weeks to reach this point. I know those of you who are hurting just want that person back. It seems like the only thing that will bring you happiness. Please try to trust this total stranger- I don't doubt that you really feel that way but I promise that if you do NC and work on yourself you will be in a better place. You will be prepared to get back together in the even that they do come back and you won't make the same mistakes that you made during the relationship. Or in the event that they don't come back you will be stronger and more prepared when you enter a new relationship. Hang in there- I am still working through this new break up and I know I will be needing to vent in my weak moments.
JS17 Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Glad to hear that you're feeling better about things
CantDecide... Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 yea im on 7 days rite now....i feel ok...much better then day 1...however i did the whole call txt, hang out, help her out crap through the summer. I wish i just went strait to NC but i dilley dalled for a while...just do NC if its ment to be it will be...but just to agree with the original post NC helps it really does. calling wont make a diference, except start u at day 1 again
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 I am laughing a bit to myself right now because I am experiencing what I predicted. I am not horribly sad or crying- just a bit down. I went to lunch with my partner and we talked about it for the first time in a week. I actually was expressing anger finally. However, right now I am a bit melancholy. It will all pass and go back to normal eventually. The good thing is that along the lines of my original post- the sad times are fewer and far between. Let me clarify, I am always under the surface still sad about it and miss him. However, the times in which it overwhelms me and bubbles up to where I feel it intensely are getting farther apart. This gives me hope that one day the pain just won't be there anymore. It is crazy how you can have a moment of clarity but then return to sadness sometimes. However, I still believe in NC and I actually have no desire to make contact with him right now. It is funny because as I am typing this he is across the street from my office studying for his masters. When we were together I would stop in or he would stop in to my office- gee how times change. Acceptance is sinking in and hopefully after another 16 days I will be at an even better place.
JS17 Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I am always under the surface still sad about it and miss him. However, the times in which it overwhelms me and bubbles up to where I feel it intensely are getting farther apart. This gives me hope that one day the pain just won't be there anymore. It is crazy how you can have a moment of clarity but then return to sadness sometimes. Same here sista
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 JS17 I always get so happy when I see that you have posted. You are very kind and make me feel like my feelings are valid and normal. You have never scolded me for anything or made me feel like I am not handling this properly. I appreciate all your support. PS. His brother emailed me this weekend and said that he thinks that my ex is crazy and that he will regret it. I just laughed- I didn't put any weight into anything the brother said because-well he isn't my ex. However, it did feel good to hear from a family member that they all thing my ex is making a terrible mistake- a small bit of validation at least.
JS17 Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 You are very kind and make me feel like my feelings are valid and normal. You have never scolded me for anything or made me feel like I am not handling this properly. I haven't said you're normal, I've just said that I've felt the same things and I'm pretty screwed up these days I do think that you're normal and handling it well though. Nobody's feelings are ever wrong, there's no such thing. They're feelings. And I respond to your posts because I think that my feelings are simliar to yours, I just express them here A LOT more. I like to get my crazies out on LS b/c it's better here than out in the real world. Nobody but the people here know that I'm still really messed up over it. I'm sure your bf is making a huge mistake. That's pretty cool that his brother said that, I'm sure it did make you feel validated.
jomaxfury Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Glad to hear you are doing well. I think its my fifth week since we broke up with my exgf. After a month you start losing track of the actual days broken up. I no longer say its my 30th day or so and so, since we broke up. I say its' my fifth week, well I think. I am not even sure anymore. The point of this is that, it gets better and better. Ocassionally I have a bad day, I cant stand those days because they mess up your whole day.
CantDecide... Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 they should make this thread a sticky, so ppl can get insight from this and know were all doing ok, and that they will to
smile95 Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 so even if I still love him, NC will make all that fade? I do count the days...I hope that ends up being less important too. Any hints on how to get over rejection?
loveisallaround Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 so even if I still love him, NC will make all that fade? I do count the days...I hope that ends up being less important too. Any hints on how to get over rejection? Ultimately making it all fade is up to you. No contact won't fix everything. Only your sincere commitment to moving on and learning the lesson life has presnted to you will result in a clean, fresh slate and exceptional healing. Time doesn't heal all. It conceals all. Using just NC without good, hard thinking about what happened and why will result in repeating the same lessons (albeit in a different disguise) in the future.
smile95 Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 oh believe me I have thought this to DEATH! I have a lot of work to do on myself as well. I want to be happy alone. I do not want to depend on one person's love to define me, and I want to know why I love someone that continues to hurt me. Eventhough he claims it is unintentional. I am doing NC while I work on me. But it does not seem to hide the wonderful memories and dreams.
sundrop Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 But it does not seem to hide the wonderful memories and dreams. Somemes I wish i could forget about all the good times me and my ex had, god, it would make it so much easier. But eventually as time goes on the memories will fade a little in color and the future will look brighter ad clearer. But time heals. How much time, I wish I knew.
sundrop Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 But you know what Beth, Hopes and dreams keeps us alive, with out them we have nothing to look forward to.
smile95 Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 But you know what Beth, Hopes and dreams keeps us alive, with out them we have nothing to look forward to. very very true......I was able to stay happy with the dreams I made up with my ex and there is no reason I cannot look forward to those dreams still.Just with someone who wants them with me.
loveisallaround Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 oh believe me I have thought this to DEATH! I have a lot of work to do on myself as well. I want to be happy alone. I do not want to depend on one person's love to define me, and I want to know why I love someone that continues to hurt me. Eventhough he claims it is unintentional. I am doing NC while I work on me. But it does not seem to hide the wonderful memories and dreams. You may have thought this situation to death, but have you interalized the lessons learned? I gurantee you when you hint upon those and truly understand them - your suffering will be a thing of the past.
sundrop Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 very very true......I was able to stay happy with the dreams I made up with my ex and there is no reason I cannot look forward to those dreams still.Just with someone who wants them with me. Exactly.
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 27, 2005 Author Posted September 27, 2005 Beth and others NC is hard to do because once you let go of the idea of contacting him and you aren't scheming or waiting for the phone to ring- there you are- with your grief. You can't mask it or hide from it. It forces you to accept your pain and work through it. It isn't fun, it isn't some great experience that you look forward to- but it is kind of like physical exercise- you may dread it but you feel better after you start-and eventually you get great results. I didn't just wake up and say "Wow this is how I handle a break up successfully" I actually posted the original thread because I was surprised that things had worked for me this time. It took a lot of years and a couple of bad break ups with me making bad mistakes to be able to do this. You don't have to let go of the memories. The memories become sweeter after the pain is gone. In the future you can remember the fun times or the jokes and the mixed pain and sorrow and loss doesn't accompany it. It is good to remember the things that made you happy- this helps you create a recipe for the future and a person that you will be happy with. We always have a chance to start over and be with someone that appreciates us better or makes us feel more loved that the last- we also have the opportunity to be more compassionate and understanding, less critical, more open, less selfish/jealous with the person. Break ups are as much about you as it is about them I promise it isn't the most gentle medicine but NC is a start to making your life better- it will help you avoid getting into the same relationship with another man because you have no choice but to think about yourself and the realationship and what you want/need in the future. I can't heal your pain, but I would if I could. I hate that people are hurting and that people are so insensitive these days. If I can post something that helps one of you feel supportive then I feel better. Hang in there.
smile95 Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 It is tough to deal with everything once you no longer have hope. I guess nothing bad can come out of doing NC. I find that each time he contacts me and I respond, I feel worse or upset about something new. I am sticking to NC. I have to.
off2sea Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I've found recently that one of the keys to success is recognizing that its not going to be a smooth road. After 10 months of NC I've messed up by replying to the intermitent meaningless text msgs that come every few months. I found myself on my b'day hoping for and then hating the fact that the message did come. I also beat myself up for wanting to and then responding to it. But these bumps are simply detours that are not fatal. One or two bad days follow but as time goes on the recovery comes much faster. Time truly is our best friend.
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 27, 2005 Author Posted September 27, 2005 Well Beth just try to hang in there and take one day at a time. You will sometimes feel like you won't make it and then you find something to distract yourself and the urge to contact him will go away. Then you wake up the next day with another one under your belt. Most of the difficult things in life we all want quick answers to. I mean look at our society and loosing weight- Typically the faster we want results the harder the work will be. However, like weightloss if you do the work and don't take the short cuts you will see results and eventually feel great. But if you don't and use the bandaid approach- again like weightloss you can end up damaging yourself and end up in a worse state that you started off. I have an update- I came home and found that he had a status message on his yahoo for me- it directly refrenced me and he left a by it. My update isn't that he contacted me- it is how I responded or rather didn't. I just ignored it. I didn't get butterflies- I didn't feel anything. I actually thought- wow for a 28 year old man that is kind of silly- showing me you are thinking of me via yahoo. I guess my point in posting this is that with time it is easier to accept contact and do nothing. Hang in there and always post if you feel weak- we will get through this together.
Art_Critic Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I just ignored it. I didn't get butterflies- I didn't feel anything. I actually thought- wow for a 28 year old man that is kind of silly- showing me you are thinking of me via yahoo. I guess my point in posting this is that with time it is easier to accept contact and do nothing. you wouldn't have to ignore it if he was blocked and deleted.. You still have him in your address book so he and you can keep tabs on each other and play these childish games. If you are really serious about moving on ( I don't think you are ) block and delete him so you can't see him online and he can't see you online or you cannot contact each other..
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 27, 2005 Author Posted September 27, 2005 AC You always make references to me playing childish games and that amuses me. I am working on me and I am not waiting for him to come back. I am processing my feelings and determining whether or not our careers really do mesh. That was what our space was for. I agree with you that it is dangerous to try to keep tabs on each other- and typically I agree with all of your advice even the advice you give me. Our break wasn't a clean break and I am not sure now that I want to get back together. I am very greatful that he decided that we needed to take some space to figure out things about where our careers would take us and if we could both do what we wanted and make the relationship work. This time has made me realize a lot. If I was emotionally stilted or immature I would definitely agree with you about the messenger. I, however, have no desire to contact him- haven't even been tempted to break NC and have been working on me. I have not contacted him for 17 days now and I feel liberated. I am doing what is working for me and I am happy. As I posted yesterday, every day gets easier and you find yourself again- sometimes a break is actually great to do some emotional house-cleaning and reconnect with yourself. This break has made me realize that I am happy with my law practice and I may not be happy moving every three years. If he hadn't forced us to take the time to reevaluate I may have just gone running back at the first sign of his message or possibly ended up a few years down the road wondering where my life went. If calling me childish helps you and makes you feel like you are giving me good advice then go ahead- I put myself on this forum for all kinds of advice not just the sugar-coated kind. So I welcome it even if I don't agree with it. Hope all are having a good day
JS17 Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 you wouldn't have to ignore it if he was blocked and deleted.. You still have him in your address book so he and you can keep tabs on each other and play these childish games. If you are really serious about moving on ( I don't think you are ) block and delete him so you can't see him online and he can't see you online or you cannot contact each other.. Don't pick on my girl Art. It is immature of him to check on you via Yahoo but blocking is pretty hostile. There's no need for it especially if it doesn't bother you. It was also a good test for you to see how you would react to him contacting you. It's a great feeling when you get that call or email and it has no effect on you.
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