I'm just lost, need input

[TexasLost]

Hello and thanks for taking the time to read my story and share your input.

 

I'm 40 years old and have been married for 14 1/2 years. We have a teenage child. Here's the story, sorry if it's so long.

 

I met my wife shortly after a relationship went south. The first relationship was wonderful and was something we both wanted terribly. We had met each other when I was 17 and she was 16 and feel deeply into puppy love. It was during a summer camp thing and we both lived in separate states. We kept in contact for a while via letters and phone calls then we lost touch. I always knew she was special and I always held a place in my heart for her. We tried to get together a few times but could never quite pull it off. Either she was seeing someone or I was but both of us knew that we needed to get together, something kept pulling us. Seven years later, we talked. She was married and had a child but she was unhappy and had filed for divorce. Her marriage was not a healthy one to say the least. When we got together, I could look into her eyes and see how much she cared for me. I saw that same look when we were teenagers. It was kind of wild to be honest. Amazing to be able to see the love in her eyes. Our relationship as teenagers was never sexual, we just fell for each other. When we got together, everything felt so right for both of us and we made love. It was the most incredible feeling of true love that I have ever felt and have never felt again. While making love, she came out and told me that she truly loved me. Afterwards, she got scared, didn't want to hurt me, didn't want to bring me into the middle of her troubled marriage. I told her I would wait, but she pushed me away. I was crushed as I knew she was THE one for me. There was no doubt about it, none. I do know that I loved her with my every being.

 

About 6 months later, I met another girl. I was still hurt and confused about the "love of my life". This new girl was completely opposite of the other girl. We started dating and hit it off pretty well. We moved quickly and a few months later, moved in together. She was a sweet girl, shy and reserved. The other girl was a lot like me, free spirits enjoying life. I figured the new girl was what was supposed to be, maybe God was sending me a message. So, 15 months after moving into together, 17 months after we met, we married. She immediately became pregnant on our wedding night. Our child was born premature 6 1/2 months later. We settled into married life with our new child.

 

I never forgot about my "true love". I would think about her on occassion and wonder if she was able to reconcile with her husband. But, I was married and had a family so when ever she entered my mind, I tried to forget.

 

About 5 years into our marriage, I was restless and anxious. We both worked a lot and passed each other coming and going. I met a lady that reminded me a lot of my true love and we started an affair. I didn't know why then and I didn't even realize that this ladies spirit reminded me of my real love. My wife found out and we reconciled and I felt horrible for putting her through the whole thing. My wife is a wonderful person honestly.

 

As I said, my wife and I are different people. We do enjoy each others company but there is no passion. She is my friend and we do have a good relationship. However, I have always felt that something was missing. We were different and I felt like I had changed my personality and my spirit to fit hers. I'm not as outgoing as I used to be and it's just like we're too comfortable. My wife is a great person but is somewhat a social recluse where as I'm a social butterfly. My wife would prefer to stay home or just be together as a family where I'm ok with that on occassion, I do like to entertain and go out with friends.

 

When I first met my wife, I had a lot of friends. I didn't go out carousing with them but did get together once in a while for cards or football games. My wife was fine with that but I always felt guilty when I came home as she had been there by herself with our child. She never wanted to be a part of my life with my friends. So, slowly over the years, I backed away from my friends and stopped doing the things that I enjoyed. It seemed to work for us and she is very content.

 

My wife is very intelligent and has a great career. Having said that, she doesn't make her career her life but she does work very hard. When weekends come around, shes usually too tired to do anything and ends up just doing laundry and laying on the couch watching television. I try to include her in a few hobbies I have but she really has no interest. She tells me to go have fun and she'll see me when I get home. I'll say it again, she is a great lady. A very caring loving wife and mother. But, she has no friends that she goes out with other than a couple of girls from the office. However, she has no real good friends...a friend or two to go out with on girls night. Or away for a girls weekend. Or a girlfriend to just call and talk with. That's just not who my wife is and she's perfectly ok with that.

 

I know that I have changed over the years to conform more to her lifestyle. It makes her comfortable and it makes me misserable. I hate this lifestyle, it's not who I am. I've felt this way for several years now but didn't want to upset the apple cart. I am everything to my wife and she has absolutely no one to turn to.

 

Back to my true love. I had tried to find her several times over the years via the internet but no luck. I would think about her often and dream about us being together. The stars just never aligned properly for us. I had a girlfriend...she didn't. She had a husband...I was single. It just went on like this for a long time but both of us always knew deep down that we were meant to be together. A while ago, I found her right where I left her. Amazing...all the emotions started to rush to my heart again. So, I emailed her a friendly note just to say hello.

 

Long story short, she never remarried. I moved from where I lived to another state 1000 miles away. I was married with a family. It seems that fate always kept us apart but all of a suddent, fate dealt us a different situation. Turns out, she travels to my town every month and was scheduled to come here in a week. We talked via email and phone quite a bit and decided that we had to see each other again. Both of us agreed that we were meant to be together. She understood that I was married and did not want to do anything to interfere with the marriage. She said she would see me if that is what I really wanted. So, she came to town and we got together. It was great, just like we never were apart. I looked into her eyes and could see straight through to her heart, I knew she still loved me. Now, before anyone jumps to conclusions, there was absolutely nothing physical between my this lady and I other than a hug when we first saw each other. Neither of us would allow it to go down that road. There is also no chance in the world for us to be together, so that really doesn't come into play either.

 

We talked quite a bit and she explained that she always loved me and never remarried because she never felt the love for anyone like she did for me. She did not in any way attempt to convince me that I should leave my wife/family, she's just not that type of person. We spent as much time together as we could. I had feelings and emotions that I hadn't felt in so very long. I missed her desperately and always have. I've missed so much not being with her and I don't ever want to miss anything again.

 

I know that I care about my wife but our relationship is more of a friendship anymore. We go months without making love and there is no fire. We've both tried to ignite a fire on occassion but just can't get it off. As I said, she's content, I'm not. I know what I really want and have always wanted. There has never been any doubt that I wanted the love of my life, I always have and always will.

 

Now, to our child. My child is everything to me and is do dependant on us as parents. He feels safe and secure which is great. The bad thing is that his father is in love with someone else. I can't devistate him but I'm not happy. I'm content, but not happy....truly happy. I feel like this may be my last chance to be with the only person that I have truly loved....the one that can truly touch my heart like no other. I can't imagine living the rest of my life with out my true love.

 

My relationship with my wife exists for our child. He will be grown soon and we will have nothing left in common. My heart tells me that I need to be with my true love but my head tells me that I'm being selfish. A post like this can not truly relate my feelings for my true love nor can it relay how much I do care about my wife.

 

My wife will not talk about our relationship. It's just something that is not discussed, she clams up. There is security here in my home but I continually desire to be with my one true love.

 

Please help...has anyone else ever gone through anything like this? I'm dying inside every day.

[cherrysoduh]

All I can say is WOW!! From what you say I really honestly believe that you are in love with you "first love" I have to think more about this one, geez

[Lil Honey]

TexasLost:

 

Yep, I met my high school sweetheart after 10 years apart. It was like it never ended. I fell for him all over again. But, it was the wrong time and wrong place.

 

AND I've stayed in a marriage "for the kids" until they had grown, then divorced.

 

You are most definately stuck between a rock and a hard place. While you are trying to do the right thing by staying, you are terribly unhappy and the time that you could spent happy is slipping by.

 

You have to do what you can live with. Read some of the threads on this site. You will find that divorce carries hurt for the person being left and guilt for the person leaving. However, both hurt and guilt are emotions that time takes care of. Since you fantasize about this woman, take it a step further and ask yourself these questions. Where would you live, if you were with her? Would you live close enough to see your son and still be part of his life? Would you be able to afford child support, etc? (Tight finances might put a strain on a new relationship.) If and when your child needs an explanation, do you know what you would tell him? Just some things to think about.

[Tiny Dancer]

TexasLost, I have so much in common with you... and with your wife. I am so sorry that you are in such agony. I know your inner turmoil and I'm currently living the turmoil that your wife will go through when/if she ever knows of it.

 

Your situation is important to me. I have a lot to share that I think might be helpful to you. I've got a lot of matters to take care of at home this morning, but when time allows I will be back.

 

It is my belief that God really is in control and nothing ever happens by chance. Things are not always what they seem and they are not always easy. (My mantra for years was that "No one ever said that life was going to be fair!" ... but it's true that we all expect it to be.)

[Ditherer]

I feel your pain!! I don't know if you've read my thread, but there's a similarity there.. I just want to wish you good luck. I think I need to abandon the relationship that doesn't feel right, no matter what the consequences.. the kids will just have to cope with only seeing me once or twice a week. I'll still 'be there' for them, supporting them financially, I just won't be in the same house. I think (at least I hope) that kids are remarkably resilient .. so long as they know both their parents are happy, even if they're no longer together.

 

Besides, as one of my mates says : you *have* to be a *bit* selfish sometimes, we all only get the one crack at this life.. if you want things different and you can live with the results, go for it .. or forever regret missing out. You *can* say "stuff everyone else" and do what you want - so long as you still care about them and aren't being malicious about it.. sometimes you have to put yourself first and let everyone else deal with how if affects them. It's not life or death. Worse things happen at sea!

 

Best wishes

[JayKay]

Wow, what a story!

 

I feel so sad for you, OP. You sound like a good man and a genuinely good heart.

 

I am not in your situation and don't have much advice to offer. Just that if you are truly unhappy in your marriage, you may want to start opening up to your wife and communicating about the things that bother you. I'm sure it's scary, but it may lead to some interesting developments;

 

* You may end up feeling closer to each other if you start communicating on a more 'real' level. In fact, your marriage may even take a turn for the better.

 

OR

 

* Your wife may reveal that she too feels an emptiness in the marriage. Perhaps you can mutually agree on an acceptable solution.

 

 

Another idea is...have you thought about pursuing therapy just for yourself so you can freely discuss these thoughts and feelings you're having? Maybe a trained professional can help you set some goals for sorting out your life.

 

Either way, it won't be easy. I do wish you luck

[Ladyjane14]

I wish I could say that there's something new about your post, TexasLost, but it's strikingly similar to so many others here.

 

While I don't mean to be facetious, because I recognize that your feelings are probably genuine and original as applied to you.....this is nothing new. It could be a formatted letter.....we see it just that often.

 

It starts of with 'Why I married the WRONG person', and is followed by the basic laundry list of unmet needs in the relationship. Then, we get to the part where someone really special comes onto the scene, mutual attraction ensues, and a sense of indecision develops. There are usually modest disclaimers of how the spouse is not 'all that terrible' a person because they do have at least some redeeming qualities. But the other person is so terribly exciting, and life is just wasting away without having them. This is followed by what stands to be lost if the current relationship is abandoned in favor of the new attraction.

 

Now, please understand that I'm NOT trying to minimize your feelings .....but there are ALOT of people who go through this. "There's nothing new under the sun", right?

 

I'm not a psychologist. I'm just someone who's been reading alot of threads here at LS. And having done so, I'll tell you this.....

 

You need to see a professional. That's what it'll take to help you sort through all this and make the decision that is right for you, and for your family.

 

...have you thought about pursuing therapy just for yourself so you can freely discuss these thoughts and feelings you're having? Maybe a trained professional can help you set some goals for sorting out your life.

 

I'm in agreement. There's a host of possible causes for the feelings that you're experiencing. Midlife Crisis springs to mind. If you'll google for information, I think you'll become convinced, as I am, that midlife crisis is a valid physiological condition. There's too much common symtomology for it to be otherwise. And it begins as early as your late 30's.

 

It could be that you're looking for a closer bond with your mate, and have given up hope that your goal can be achieved, hence your search for a new mate.

 

It could be that you have unresolved anxiety issues, and you're looking for an escape from your responsibilities. (Often, obsession with an 'old flame' is a subconscious avoidance tactic. )

 

It could be ANYTHING. There's a myriad of possibilities. Each will need to be eliminated before you can be certain that ending your marriage and destroying your current family dynamic is the wisest course.

 

IC (Individual Counseling) is usually pretty easy to obtain. The first step is to call the Member Services phone number on your health insurance card. You can find out what your benefit plan covers, as well as obtain a list of preferred providers in your area.

 

You owe it to yourself....and to your family....to put the work in, and make absolutely certain that you're making the right choices.

[Devildog]

I'm gonna have to agree with the venerable Ladyjane on this one.

 

I do wonder though, honestly, how much of the reason behind your wife not having many other friends to turn to is her fault? You mentioned moving 1000 miles away from the state you used to live in. Is this also 1000 miles from where your wife is originally from? Also, how helpful were you when your child was young? Did you step up and take care of the child occasionally to allow your wife to get out and get a break and spend time with her friends? It is very easy to drift away from friends when you end up spending 4 or 5 years rarely seeing friends or doing anything with them.

 

Another thing to really think about. Sure there is that "chemistry" you feel for each other, but how much of what you are feeling is nothing more than regret that you never got the chance to be together? I think we have all fallen victim to the mistake of idealizing that one we were never quite able to have a relationship with. I know I have one, and even though I am single now, I would never even try to track her down because I know she isn't the perfect person I have built her up to be in my mind. Are you sure that isn't the case here with your "one true everlasting love"?

[TexasLost]

I'm gonna have to agree with the venerable Ladyjane on this one.

 

I do wonder though, honestly, how much of the reason behind your wife not having many other friends to turn to is her fault? You mentioned moving 1000 miles away from the state you used to live in. Is this also 1000 miles from where your wife is originally from? Also, how helpful were you when your child was young? Did you step up and take care of the child occasionally to allow your wife to get out and get a break and spend time with her friends? It is very easy to drift away from friends when you end up spending 4 or 5 years rarely seeing friends or doing anything with them.

 

Another thing to really think about. Sure there is that "chemistry" you feel for each other, but how much of what you are feeling is nothing more than regret that you never got the chance to be together? I think we have all fallen victim to the mistake of idealizing that one we were never quite able to have a relationship with. I know I have one, and even though I am single now, I would never even try to track her down because I know she isn't the perfect person I have built her up to be in my mind. Are you sure that isn't the case here with your "one true everlasting love"?

 

Thanks to all who have replied so far, I really do appreciate the thoughts and sentiments expressed.

 

I want to reply to everyones post but since this is the last one, I'll take this one first.

 

Regarding our move 1000 miles away from our home state, yes, this is where both my wife and I are from. We both grew up in the same small town. The move was made to due a transfer with her company. I gave up a fantastic career to move where we are now so that she could advance with her company. We knew the opportunity to grown would be better with her company so I happily agreed to move. This was a mutual decision which has been very good for us professionally and financially.

 

Regarding her friends, to be very honest, she's never really had any good friends. Don't get me wrong, there are a few that she talks to on occassion but thats about it. Most of the friends we have are OUR friends together as a couple which is fine and we both enjoy that small group of friends. However, the big difference is that she doesn't care to do much with the "girl" friends of those couples outside of the couple situation.

 

As far as raising our son, I did plenty. When our child was young, my wife worked during the day and I worked an afternoon shift. So, I had our son all day, every day until I had to go to work at which time he went to the sitter for a couple of hours until she got home. I cook, clean, do laundry and share in the household responsibilities.

 

As I said previously, she likes to be alone with her family which is great...but we each need some alone time to go out and let our hair down.

 

I did try to talk to her last night about these issues and her response was that I was having a mid life crisis and that I would "snap" out of it. She does not like to talk about our relationship at all. When I first brought up that we needed to talk, she immediately went into her shell and started tapping her feet. It was a short conversation unfortunately.

 

Now, I am not completely without fault here so don't think that I'm trying to pin all of this on my wife. I don't typically talk about our relationship either as it just causes conflict. We don't fight and I mean we NEVER fight. If one of us is ticked off, we just get quiet and move to another room until it's over with.

 

Thanks again for your responses.

[JayKay]

I forget where I heard or read this...

 

but when someone REFUSES to communicate with you about something that is important to you it is a HOSTILE act.

 

I never forgot that.

 

It's an act of hostility to shut someone out, shut down the lines of communication. When someone does that, they essentially are leaving you alone. It's actually a form of neglect.

 

The problem is, her behavior is not OVERTLY hostile, so it's hard to call her on it. Either way, if she can't or won't listen to you....there is something deeply wrong with your relationship and perhaps she is not 'the friend' you consider her. She must have some kind of anger or problem with intimacy if confrontation sends her running to a seperate room.

 

Keep trying to get her to open up. Don't LET her walk out on you. Follow her from room to room. Tell her, "If we can't talk this through, we won't make it..."

 

Perhaps she'll give you the truth then.