Author Pepsi38 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 And I can tell you right now, that right there is the reason you are in no way ready for a serious relationship. You need to get over your own trust issues first. Going into a new relationship with that mindset, you are self sabotaging it before it has even began.[/QUOT I agree to a certain extent, but on the occasions that I have dated honest and consistent men, I am totally different and don’t feel the need to pick things apart at all. This one has proven to be untrustworthy and flakey, it’s my own fault for allowing it. I know that if I met someone tomorrow who felt equal to me, there would not be a problem.
preraph Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 You should just say, I have a feeling you're seeing someone else. Will you tell me what's going on? He may just tell you. Then you can decide whether to dump him or just start also dating other guys. 1
olivetree Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 It doesn't really matter what he did last night. If you know what it's like to feel safe and secure in a relationship where you were very interested in the person and didn't feel safe because you didn't care enough to worry, then this is not the guy for you. 2
preraph Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 Unless she's insecure in every relationship. If she knows the name of the person she thinks he was with, she could even even just say, So who's Kathy? Nothing else. If he starts pumping her for info to see what she knows, she can just stay vague and say, I'm just asking. You don't have to give up your sources. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 You might try to simply make a statement: "You know Xname, I've really been enjoying our time together and am happy we are exclusive. I still don't want to see anyone else". You'll know if he's gets a little sheepish or hesitates or something. If nothing else, maybe it will be a little heads up to him that maybe you're suspicious and his conscience may get tweaked . . . 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 Wtf? Or you could just not date someone you think is cheating 1
Redhead14 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 Wtf? Or you could just not date someone you think is cheating I agree that she should just stop seeing him. I don't think she's able to do that without some kind of in-your-face confirmation that that's the right thing to do even if she embarrasses herself. 1
chillii Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 Well he had been acting and saying things that made him seem he was serious, a lot has happened since that last post and the dynamic completely changed or so I thought. I felt really secure for a while. For example, he asked only yesterday (and we arranged) that he would spend a whole week with me next month when he has time off work which he doesn't get very often. How I found out - basically putting two and two together through social media digging (I know) and also a couple of weird things that happened during us talking yesterday. I could be wrong but I'm 90% certain I'm right. I also haven't heard from him today yet, which is unusual. I've got a feeling if I don't initiate contact now, he'll call me out and turn it around on me. I just can't bring myself to contact him though. I just don't know how to react if he contacts me. lf he does just tell him , your seeing someone else. Of course he'll try to turn it around and get out of it, but you know better , leave it at that. let he crawl back with some serious sucking up later if he really wants this , then make up your mind. But if he has been up to something or pulling back after only 5mths l'm afraid it's a dead duck anyway sorry.
spiderowl Posted July 16, 2019 Posted July 16, 2019 If you do not trust him and if dating someone else is a dealbreaker for you, then break up with him. What is the point hanging around worrying about whether he is faithful or not? What you could do, when you next speak to him, is to ask him directly if he has been seeing someone else. If he hasn't, he will be shocked and say no. If he has, he may deny it but most likely he will avoid an outright lie and be evasive. But really, if you are that unsure of him, why bother with confronting him or waiting to see if he is faithful? You don't trust him anyway.
The Outlaw Posted July 16, 2019 Posted July 16, 2019 You've had your suspicions for awhile, so cut your losses and move on. If you feel 90% sure he's seeing someone else on the side, he isn't serious about you.
DrNo1962 Posted July 16, 2019 Posted July 16, 2019 Put a fork in it, it's done. All romantic relationships are based on one thing, trustworthiness. Without it, you're only lying to yourself. If I was in your shoes, I'd break it off and move on.
d0nnivain Posted July 16, 2019 Posted July 16, 2019 Here's a suggestion that no one has mentioned: TALK TO HIM!!!!! OMG. What the heck is wrong with people? You have some snippet of some on line post from some mutual "friend" that suggests they spent time together. Just ask him. Hey, did you go out with [name of person] last night? & see what he says. For all you know she was lying or it was harmless. If you can't talk to the people you are dating, you shouldn't be dating. Communication & trust are important in any relationship but they work both ways. If you have concerns, you address them. You don't sneak around laying traps or just up & disappear with no real basis leaving the other person to wonder WTH happened. The idea that based on some "gut feeling" with no actual proof you are going to ghost somebody you have been dating for 5 months is absolutely ridiculous. In a relationship you talk. If you get info that doesn't add up or evasiveness, you move on but for heaven's sake, you start with the benefit of the doubt & you have a conversation. Why is that so hard for everyone to process? It's really why most people can't sustain a relationship these days. You don't confront. You don't attack. You don't even raise your voice. You just make a simple conversational inquiry.
PRW Posted July 16, 2019 Posted July 16, 2019 It's complicated to explain how but I'm 90% sure he went on a date with someone else last night.Then there is at minimum a 10% change you are wrong, and probably higher since you would by nature assume the percentage is more in your favor than it really might be. I know it's over as this is a deal breaker for me even if by some miracle he wants to carry it on. Not if your wrong in the first place. there's no solid evidence but let's assume I'm correct. There is no solid evidence so let's assume you are wrong and driven by fear and insecurities. What would you do?? I haven't heard from him today which is probably unusual by now. Should I just cease to initiate any contact and ignore him if he contacts me? Act normal? I'm beyond gutted.You don't have to do anything. You don't bow to the "Allusion of Action" (aka. I must DO something!) If he is cheating then he isn't committed, if he isn't committed then he is in no way going to continue to follow up on plans you are making for the future. Instead he will drag his feet, delay, change, avoid, or just back out on such plans. On the other hand if you are wrong, he will continue to work on future plans and will continue to move to the goal. You are the monkey wrench in the gears if you are wrong and he finds out about your insecure suspicions, you will cause him to think, "This chick is wacked,...I'm outta here!". So then the failure of the relationship becomes totally your fault, he becomes the innocent victim, and you have sabotaged and thrown away something that was extremely important to both of you. So if you REALLY want to find out what is going on,...carry on as normal,...be introspective about you own thoughts,...and see what happens. Because if you are right,...it will just take care of itself.
elaine567 Posted July 16, 2019 Posted July 16, 2019 Pepsi is twisting herself in knots, so she accept this guy. He has never been the kind of guy she really wants, a solid guy she can trust, but she likes him and wants him to change into the honest decent type of guy she can live with. Its not going to happen, but she keeps trying... Three threads in 3 months... he is still the lukewarm, slightly shady guy he always was.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 16, 2019 Posted July 16, 2019 Here's a suggestion that no one has mentioned: TALK TO HIM!!!!! OMG. What the heck is wrong with people? You have some snippet of some on line post from some mutual "friend" that suggests they spent time together. Just ask him. Hey, did you go out with [name of person] last night? & see what he says. I dont know donni all a guy will do talking about is either admit it or deny it if a woman already believes her boyfriend is doing dirt well she is past trust and giving him the benefit of the doubt. would she believe him if he told her he is not and would she find evidence that he is telling truth this way realistically? Jane: Joe are you dating another woman Joe: No then what lol? 1
PRW Posted July 16, 2019 Posted July 16, 2019 Jane: Joe are you dating another woman Joe: No then what lol? If he is telling the truth, then it is over due to the false accusation alone. The bell can't be un-rung If he is lying it will be over because he lied, cheated, and neither can be maintained. So either way,...it is over
PRW Posted July 16, 2019 Posted July 16, 2019 Pepsi is twisting herself in knots, so she accept this guy. He has never been the kind of guy she really wants, a solid guy she can trust, but she likes him and wants him to change into the honest decent type of guy she can live with.I only had this message at the top of the thread to work with. I don't know anything about the history of other threads. But it will still play out like I said either way.
d0nnivain Posted July 16, 2019 Posted July 16, 2019 if a woman already believes her boyfriend is doing dirt well she is past trust and giving him the benefit of the doubt. would she believe him if he told her he is not and would she find evidence that he is telling truth this way realistically? Jane: Joe are you dating another woman Joe: No then what lol? This is where context & nonverbal communication comes in. You look at him when he talks to you. If he's not looking you in the eye or hemming & hawing, you walk but at a minimum you need to communicate with your SO. You absolutely do not endeavor to have a loaded emotional discussion like this via text or in any context other than face to face. Once people figure that out they will have far fewer relationship problems. In the absence of trust there can be no relationship but simply because some people who are unwilling or unable to trust that does not make their partners untrustworthy.
Author Pepsi38 Posted July 23, 2019 Author Posted July 23, 2019 Thank you everyone for your input. I thought I'd give you an update. Whilst I had no proof of the date, I ended it after I saw he had a profile on a dating site, this was after we agreed previously we were not dating anyone else. I told him why. The funny thing is only the other day I asked him if he was on the still on the same page in terms of a future and he assured me he was and that he wanted the same as me. He's had opportunities to end it with me but I realise now he was just keeping me on the back burner in case no one better or closer came along. This is a toughie for me, I'm so picky when it comes to dating I hardly ever find a connection or something is always missing for me. He really did seem perfect for a while and was the most promising out of all my years of online dating since my last long term relationship. So feeling very low right now. I know I'll move on from this but it's going to be hard for me. Thank you again to everyone who took the time to give me advice. 3
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 I'm sorry he turned out to be untrustworthy. As much as it sucks, at least you are good at maintaining your own boundaries & behaving in a way that preserves your dignity. Good for you.
preraph Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 Well, I'm sorry you got fooled for a while by this guy and got attached to him and got hurt. He is just shopping and he probably always would be and now at least you know he's a big liar, and no one needs to stay with a big liar. So I hope you have no second thoughts. Glad you got out and left him behind and told him why.
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