Pepsi38 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 Been dating 5 months (both late 30s), I've posted about him before but everything had been going really well, spending a lot of time together, agreed there was a future, we were exclusive and making future plans right up to yesterday. It's complicated to explain how but I'm 90% sure he went on a date with someone else last night. I know it's over as this is a deal breaker for me even if by some miracle he wants to carry it on. I don't really know how to proceed now. I can't confront him or ask him as I had to do some serious digging to find out and there's no solid evidence but let's assume I'm correct. What would you do?? I haven't heard from him today which is probably unusual by now. Should I just cease to initiate any contact and ignore him if he contacts me? Act normal? I'm beyond gutted.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 After 5 months, you would know if he was more serious about you. It doesn't sound like he is. According to your other thread, he's been pulling away for a little while now. I would take a big step back, gather your thoughts, and let him to come to you. At that point, I would directly ask him where he's at in terms of having an official relationship. I think you likely already know the answer, but it gives him the opportunity to talk and fill in the blanks. Out of curiosity, what did you find that leads you to believe he was on a date last night?
Author Pepsi38 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 Well he had been acting and saying things that made him seem he was serious, a lot has happened since that last post and the dynamic completely changed or so I thought. I felt really secure for a while. For example, he asked only yesterday (and we arranged) that he would spend a whole week with me next month when he has time off work which he doesn't get very often. How I found out - basically putting two and two together through social media digging (I know) and also a couple of weird things that happened during us talking yesterday. I could be wrong but I'm 90% certain I'm right. I also haven't heard from him today yet, which is unusual. I've got a feeling if I don't initiate contact now, he'll call me out and turn it around on me. I just can't bring myself to contact him though. I just don't know how to react if he contacts me.
Author Pepsi38 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 Also, he said last week that it was about time he met my mum! I noticed a few days ago that he was all of sudden on Whatsapp a lot more. So I'm guessing he's been chatting to this person and this is who I think he went out with last night.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 Are you sure you're not just seeing his activity last night through a very insecure filter? What did you find that struck you as date-like, exactly? 1
Author Pepsi38 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 There is a slight chance I might be wrong, but I'm 90% certain. It was to do with online times, and a post by this person. I know it's not solid evidence but I have a very strong gut feeling, I know I sound mad. He has no idea that I would have been able to see this. We don't follow each other on instagram and he has a private account (as do I) but I recently discovered that you can see some of his followers as they come up as suggestions. He and this girl followed each other a few days ago, around the time he started being on Whatsapp constantly.
MaleIntuition Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 What do you mean when you say that you were exclusive? In your last thread you were not, how did the “talk” go?
Author Pepsi38 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 What do you mean when you say that you were exclusive? In your last thread you were not, how did the “talk” go? We agreed and I reaffirmed with him over a month ago that we would not date anyone else.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 When he gets in touch, why not just ask him what he got up to last night? You can frame it as a casual question, and see what he says. But really, if you're at the point where you're cross-checking his social media status with someone else, you're already in shaky territory. You may want to reconsider dating someone whose relationship style is evidently very different from yours. Something in you doesn't feel very sure about him, right? 1
Author Pepsi38 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 When he gets in touch, why not just ask him what he got up to last night? You can frame it as a casual question, and see what he says. But really, if you're at the point where you're cross-checking his social media status with someone else, you're already in shaky territory. You may want to reconsider dating someone whose relationship style is evidently very different from yours. Something in you doesn't feel very sure about him, right? Thanks Expat. I've always been a bit of a digger on social media when I'm dating someone and I'm naturally untrustful because of my last long-term relationship. I know this doesn't necessarily reflect on this man but you're right, I just have a gut feeling that while I'm sure he likes me (or least did until yesterday), he likes attention from other women too much also. I still haven't heard from him today and normally would have by now. Although I probably would have contacted him by now too. This just serves to fuel my suspicion that he's mind is now elsewhere.
schlumpy Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 It was to do with online times, and a post by this person. We don't follow each other on instagram and he has a private account (as do I) but I recently discovered that you can see some of his followers as they come up as suggestions. He and this girl followed each other a few days ago, around the time he started being on Whatsapp constantly. Whatever you say during your conversation do not let him know that you can do this. Never reveal your sources. You have to consider that if he is going out on you this soon after your agreement then he will have little concern about his behavior deeper into your relationship as long as he can hide it effectively from you. You have to decide if you can look the other way because he is proving to you that he will do this again and if you allow it to pass you will prove to him that you will accept it in the future. I suggest you cool the relationship and see how hard he works to get you back if you still want him. Best Wishes
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 If you are 90% sure he went on another date and that is a deal breaker for you, then you know what to do. You have posted May June and now July about not trusting that this guy is true to only you, so I am not sure why you persist...
OatsAndHall Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 If you felt the need to go on a social media scavenger hunt after five months of dating and agreeing to be exclusive, then you're just going to drive yourself insane by continuing to date this guy. You stated before that you didn't trust him so chances are you never will. It's time to just move forward. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 (edited) If he is your exclusive boyfriend and your pretty sure he is cheating then you breakup and ignore him and date other men Edited July 15, 2019 by Curiousroxy86
Author Pepsi38 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 I guess I sometimes make excuses and tell myself that I just always look for the worst scenario - each time after my previous posts, I've told myself I've made a mountain out of a molehill and I feel really secure and reassured when we are together - my mind just goes in to over drive when we are not. But I think this time my gut feeling is right. I am really sad though and will find this hard to move on from. I really liked him, more than I've liked anyone for years.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 I know it’s hard when you really liked the guy more than everybody else out there in dating but it’s good you see his true colors now. It would have been much worse if you decided to stay with the dude. Don’t stay with a man based on how much you really like him. Stay in a relationship because he is consistently treating you well and not doing dirt. Good luck
OatsAndHall Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 For me, the reality is simple; I won't sit in a state of mistrust. I would end a relationship if I ever felt the need to play connect-the-dots via social media or otherwise. Yes, it can be easy to over-analyze things in a relatively new relationship but it's also easy to pick out questionable behavior. 1
Saracena Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 TWe don't follow each other on instagram and he has a private account (as do I) but I recently discovered that you can see some of his followers as they come up as suggestions. . Wasn't aware this was possible. How is it achieved? As someone else suggested I would ask him very casually face-to-face what he did on the night in question. His response should speak volumes. Good luck and let us know how it pans out....
kendahke Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 It's complicated to explain how but I'm 90% sure he went on a date with someone else last night.. I can't confront him or ask him as I had to do some serious digging to find out and there's no solid evidence but let's assume I'm correct Oh, you snooped? What's the 10% that you're not based on? I don't really know how to proceed now.. What would you do?? Tell him how I came about the information and end it with him--and let him think whatever the hell he wants to think. If right was so on my side, I'd fear nothing and no man. What's the point in trafficking in deceit? You were grown enough to do it--be grown enough to stand in that truth and take your butt-whippin' for it. 1
Flame Aura Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 You should end things. Not because he maybe went out on another date or whatever, but because your lack of trust is mind boggling. You are not ready to be in a serious relationship. A relationship with no trust = no relationship. 1
Author Pepsi38 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 Wasn't aware this was possible. How is it achieved? If you click on a user's profile who is private, it has a list of 'suggestions' below. These include public profiles who follow and are followed by the private profile you are clicked on if that makes sense. So you can click on to that suggestion and see that the person you looked at follows them and vice versa.
Author Pepsi38 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 You should end things. Not because he maybe went out on another date or whatever, but because your lack of trust is mind boggling. You are not ready to be in a serious relationship. A relationship with no trust = no relationship. That's because most men I've been with have completely broken that trust, I'm now naturally untrustful. I'm not always this bad though - for some reason I am with this one and that's because there are little things here and there that come up and each time I brush it under the carpet.
Sunlight72 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 Some thoughts. 1) You are sure building a serious situation in your head based on conjecture and guesswork. 2) You sound quite willing to alter the course of your life without actually picking up the phone for a call, or meeting in person to chat with your boyfriend and ask what's actually happening with him. After 5 months, you're planning to ghost him now instead of asking him what he's doing/thinking/feeling? eeek. Apparently you have your reasons, but eeeek. 3) Holy crap!!! I'm sorry you have become obsessed with this possible date your gut feels he might have had. I have had too many hours of cranking my imagination over 'possibilities' myself, and I remember the anguish. I also remember the relief that I didn't act on those imaginings, as I found out a day later it was all in my head. It's really messing you up. I don't know the solution, but you are making yourself crazy. 3
kendahke Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 Right is not on your side and that's why you can't be truthful/honest with him about this--in fact, you're scared to say anything to him, so that says you're in the wrong. Otherwise, you'd have had a conversation about it and kicked him to the curb already... leaving things out is aka lying by omission--and no one likes to be manipulated behind any kind of lie.. 1
Flame Aura Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 That's because most men I've been with have completely broken that trust, I'm now naturally untrustful. And I can tell you right now, that right there is the reason you are in no way ready for a serious relationship. You need to get over your own trust issues first. Going into a new relationship with that mindset, you are self sabotaging it before it has even began. 1
Recommended Posts