mortensorchid Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 I have sent flowers to men in the past. It's a generous gesture but make sure you do ot under the right circumstances. It's a gender role switch that people will not take or they will. 1
Author Friendorfoe Posted July 5, 2019 Author Posted July 5, 2019 3 dates in two months....I would have moved on by now. That’s down to his anxiety. And now that leaves me with the problem of whether to walk away. Not cos his anxiety freaks me out, it doesntt. I’ve dealt with anxiety, lived with someone who had it and I’m a crisis volunteer that helps people who feel that way. We’ve admitted we like each other, like each other’s company. He said he felt guilty for wanting a weekend to himself or when he was busy, to which I said it’s a healthy thing to have time to yourself, everyone should do that. So we’re in a limbo. He still texts etc (I’m not doing the running there) but I think what is getting to me is that we said we’d be upfront with each other (me not knowing where I stand or what’s going on are triggers for my anxiety) yet when we were saying about whether we wanted to meet again, I asked if meeting again was how we met before (we kissed/hugged/held hands etc) and he won’t discuss. Is this the anxiety talking? Or do I walk?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 yet when we were saying about whether we wanted to meet again, I asked if meeting again was how we met before (we kissed/hugged/held hands etc) and he won’t discuss. Is this the anxiety talking? Or do I walk? I don't really understand what you mean. Did you mean that you were trying to ask him if meeting again would be for a date, or just as friends?
JuneL Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 Not just the flowers, it seems that you’re playing the masculine role in this relationship, and he’s like a scared little kitty
Author Friendorfoe Posted July 5, 2019 Author Posted July 5, 2019 I don't really understand what you mean. Did you mean that you were trying to ask him if meeting again would be for a date, or just as friends? i asked if kissing/hugging and all that stuff is off limits now
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 (edited) i asked if kissing/hugging and all that stuff is off limits now Why would it be off-limits? Forgive my confusion, but I don't really follow your line of thinking. Edited July 5, 2019 by ExpatInItaly
Author Friendorfoe Posted July 5, 2019 Author Posted July 5, 2019 (edited) Why would it be off-limits? Forgive my confusion, but I don't really follow your line of thinking. OK, so story is: met, 3 dates, hugging/kissing. both into each other, definite spark Flower thing happened.ugh. never to be repeated. Made his anxiety worse (which i hadnt been aware he had til that point) Talked about his anxiety. He said id be better off with someone who isnt miserable (Ive never seen him miserable). That he felt guilty having a weekend to himself (when he's feeling bad or when he's busy). I said its normal/healthy to have time to yourself and not a problem. He said he does want to meet again, but this weekend he needs a quiet one to himself and next weekend he's going back home to see his dad/mates. So i asked if meeting again meant without the kisses/cuddles. (think i was trying to sound out where he was at in his thinking) My anxiety starts when i dont know where I am with someone (and it's something I'm working on). We always said we'd be upfront with each other, and he wasnt about this. Which makes my anxiety kick in and think oh ive been friendzoned then, but instead of assuming, i wanted to see if my thinking was right or not. Edited July 5, 2019 by Friendorfoe
clia Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 He said id be better off with someone who isnt miserable (Ive never seen him miserable). There's a common saying around here that goes "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." That he felt guilty having a weekend to himself (when he's feeling bad or when he's busy). I said its normal/healthy to have time to yourself and not a problem. He said he does want to meet again, but this weekend he needs a quiet one to himself and next weekend he's going back home to see his dad/mates. There is nothing wrong with having time for yourself, but this guy shows no motivation whatsoever to see you. In the 48ish hours of the entire weekend he can't find 2 hours to get together with you to have a meal or drink? That just screams ambivalence and lack of interest. His schedule seems to be seeing you once every three weeks. Is that pace really acceptable to you? How do you expect a relationship to grow at that pace? Why waste time with this guy? My anxiety starts when i dont know where I am with someone (and it's something I'm working on). We always said we'd be upfront with each other, and he wasnt about this. Which makes my anxiety kick in and think oh ive been friendzoned then, but instead of assuming, i wanted to see if my thinking was right or not. You are very, very low priority to him. That's where you stand. You don't need him to tell you that -- you can see it by his actions and how often he wants to see you.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 Flower thing happened.ugh. never to be repeated. Made his anxiety worse (which i hadnt been aware he had til that point) Talked about his anxiety. And what was his reaction to the flowers? How did it make his anxiety worse? I have to be honest, I think you are more into him than he is into you. He's telling you that you'd be better off with someone else and he won't be around for a couple weekends. That, combined with so few dates over the course of a couple months, would signal to me that his interest level is too low to reasonably continue dating. Anxiety-related or not, it doesn't appear he wants to proceed.
alphamale Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 I have sent flowers to men in the past. It's a generous gesture but make sure you do ot under the right circumstances. It's a gender role switch that people will not take or they will. the men I know would make me feel like a f***y if I accepted flowers from someone
Author Friendorfoe Posted July 5, 2019 Author Posted July 5, 2019 And what was his reaction to the flowers? How did it make his anxiety worse? I have to be honest, I think you are more into him than he is into you. He's telling you that you'd be better off with someone else and he won't be around for a couple weekends. That, combined with so few dates over the course of a couple months, would signal to me that his interest level is too low to reasonably continue dating. Anxiety-related or not, it doesn't appear he wants to proceed. The flowers didn’t make his anxiety worse, the knowing his address did. He said it was ok just wished that I’d said something beforehand so he hadn’t had anxiety. Seems to want to continue talking and said he wanted to meet again. I’m leaving it be and getting on with my life.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 The flowers didn’t make his anxiety worse, the knowing his address did. What is his anxiety related to, though? Is he worried you're getting too close, or? I view this whole episode as him freaking out a little because he realized you're more invested than he is. Or, he is already seeing someone and was worried she would wonder who those flowers were from. Either way, I don't think I would hold my breath on this guy. Sorry, girl.
Author Friendorfoe Posted July 5, 2019 Author Posted July 5, 2019 What is his anxiety related to, though? Is he worried you're getting too close, or? I view this whole episode as him freaking out a little because he realized you're more invested than he is. Or, he is already seeing someone and was worried she would wonder who those flowers were from. Either way, I don't think I would hold my breath on this guy. Sorry, girl. It’s fine, no need to be sorry defo not seeing anyone. Hasn’t had sex in over a year and I’m the only girl he’s kissed since he moved here 8 months ago. Not sure what the root of his anxiety is, I don’t think it’s to do with me to be honest. From what he said about I should be with someone who isn’t miserable all the time, I wonder if he doesn’t think he’s good enough. I dunno
Lotsgoingon Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 The only question that matters: is this guy showing serious interest and is he capable of being in a relationship? Doesn't matter if the problem is anxiety, unemployment, an intrusive mother, an abusive childhood, the after effects of war, a busy career, selfishness, narcissism, low social skills, an evil character, low self-esteem. The reason doesn't matter. If the person is not able to be a full partner in a relationship, then the story ends there. Wish the person well and let them get on their healing journey if they are interested. Move on to someone who is capable and interested. This guy seems incapable and uninterested. I'm not sure why you're hanging around. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 From what he said about I should be with someone who isn’t miserable all the time, I wonder if he doesn’t think he’s good enough. I dunno In my experience - you need to believe him. He knows himself better than you do. He knows he can't give you what you want, be it from anxiety or plain lack of interest. This is his way of letting you down gently. 2
JuneL Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 I think he’s lukewarm to begin with, and this weird/creepy thing was the last nail in the coffin. So he tried to let you down gently. Please don’t contact him again, or else it may appear even more weird/creepier to him.
Author Friendorfoe Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 So i recently dated a guy, that I've posted about before, and I've now blocked him on social media (he didnt follow me but its easier for me not to see his stuff). But, i want to learn from this experience so I can change any wrong behaviours of mine in the future and maybe gain an understanding of what was going on). I've learnt never to buy them flowers - sooo embarrassed by that one! Flowers weren't the issue, the knowing his address was. I didnt know he suffered from overthinking/anxiety to the point of paranoia/depression. At the beginning, we both stated dealbreakers, what we were looking for and what we expected of the other (honesty and telling it like it was) so that was fine... at the time. He decided that he needed time to himself (never an issue, I'm independent and dont want someone living in my pockets) and he felt guilty when he was busy or needed a weekend to himself (I assured him that was fine, i have other stuff to do etc). He then said it was only bad timing,he probably wasnt ready to date, took himself off the dating sites to concentrate on his job, meeting new friends, getting fitter etc, and that he liked my company and was sure that he'd meet me again at some point. Fair enough, he was texting all the time and i made that less so he could concentrate on himself. I did ask him that if we met again would it be on the same level as before (eg hugs and kisses) but he ignored it. when it came up again he said he just didnt want to get into that convo. So i let it be. He was away this weekend, so I didnt want to take his time up, messaged him to say have a great weekend and how was it all going as he had said he'd be happy to hear from me. He said he was good, been to the gym and running. so i left it at that and didnt text anymore. That was the end of me texting. He then started a convo but didnt ask about me etc so i left it be. Then he texted again, so I replied saying i hoped he was well, he didnt need to be polite and text if he didnt want to. I mentioned we'd agreed to tell it like it is and if he didnt want to meet again etc thats ok. Didnt hear from him so i said, we always said we'd tell it how it is, so I would assume he didnt want to meet again so I would leave him to it. He then replied that he was walking and texting was hard while walking (sent as a text!) so i left it. He didnt reply when he stopped walking, so i left it, and deleted him on social media etc with the intention of getting on with my life. So on saturday out of the blue after I had stopped all communication, he sends me a pic of him getting tattoed (i didnt respond) and then a pic of the final tattoo. I replied it looked good and that was all. And he starts a convo. I've been reticent to reply but have acknowledged his texts and nothing more. Why did he start it up again by sending me pics of his new tattoo etc, knowing that i had gone silent on him? I assume by him ignoring anything to do about telling it as it is, he doesnt want to meet ever or talk, so why keep in touch? I dont understand, and i dont want this to happen in the future. So i have a bit if learning to do there if anyone can help? We were doing great, nothing wrong with our dates. When we first started talking, i let him take the lead (i tended to rush things previously) and he asked for my number then asked for a date. He asked for all our dates. He was very keen, loved the time we spent together. I just dont get it.?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 I remember your other thread about this guy. How many dates did you actually have with him? If I recall, it wasn't very many with respect to how long you'd been talking to him. Is that correct? He might be the type who doesn't want to commit at this point in his life, but still wants attention. Be wary of this type. It will confuse you when he continues to seek you out but still doesn't want to date in any serious capacity. These are some of the worst to get involved with because they are more interested in having their ego scratched than getting to know you on a deeper level.
basil67 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 I sent flowers to my hubby when we were first dating. It made him happy and he took a photo of them. If there's learning to do, it's that a guy who doesn't have much time to see you isn't a good prospect for a relationship. Thing is, the small amount of time you spent seeing each other wasn't sufficient to build a relationship. Either that, or he didn't care enough to make time. Likewise, I can't help but feel you weren't so enamoured with him if you were fine with seeing him so rarely.
Author Friendorfoe Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 I sent flowers to my hubby when we were first dating. It made him happy and he took a photo of them. If there's learning to do, it's that a guy who doesn't have much time to see you isn't a good prospect for a relationship. Thing is, the small amount of time you spent seeing each other wasn't sufficient to build a relationship. Either that, or he didn't care enough to make time. Likewise, I can't help but feel you weren't so enamoured with him if you were fine with seeing him so rarely. Everything had been going well, the reason we hadn’t seen each other that much was due to extreme work deadlines on both sides. Kept in touch while that was going on. Was just a really busy work period for us both.
basil67 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 If it was going really well and he was satisfied, he wouldn't have left. And I still can't see someone with a really poor work/life balance as a good relationship prospect. His priorities are elsewhere.
Author Friendorfoe Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 If it was going really well and he was satisfied, he wouldn't have left. . This is what I don’t understand. Even he said things were going great
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 People sometimes have a change of heart. We don't always know why, exactly, but knowing the reason doesn't always help us move forward anyway. All you can really do is chalk this up to not being the right guy for you and keep on truckin'.
Author Friendorfoe Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 People sometimes have a change of heart. We don't always know why, exactly, but knowing the reason doesn't always help us move forward anyway. All you can really do is chalk this up to not being the right guy for you and keep on truckin'. So go NC? Cos he keeps texting me.
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