Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 If you really do love her as you say you do, let her go and find the life she deserves. She chooses to be with me. In theory I want to give her what she wants but I am scared.
JS17 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 She chooses to be with me. In theory I want to give her what she wants but I am scared. You don't want to give her what she wants. She wants marriage and you don't. You can keep telling yourself all you want that you know better what she wants than she does for herself but I think deep down even you know you're wrong.
portableversion Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 that I wonder if Woggle would be more comfortable with a man. Look, quit being such a sissy boy. Tell the b1tch(cause this is what she is to you) and let the cards fall where they fall. Besides, you can always get hooker if she leaves you. "Tricked herself" HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? You haven't answered this question yet. You live once. ANd then its over with. Proceed accordingly.
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 You don't want to give her what she wants. She wants marriage and you don't. You can keep telling yourself all you want that you know better what she wants than she does for herself but I think deep down even you know you're wrong. In theory I would like a happy marriage but I think is damn near impossible with the women of today. Maybe she is the exception.
JS17 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 In theory I would like a happy marriage but I think is damn near impossible with the women of today. Maybe she is the exception. Maybe she is the exception for you. You don't know that she is going to up and leave you in the future. What if you miss your chance to have that happy marriage? Tell her where you stand and for her sake, decide whether you truly are open to marriage. Be honest with yourself and do some deep soul searching. You can still bash it all you want here but for both of your sake be honest in real life. If I had to guess based on her age she'll want to get married faster than a 20-something but you know she's not asking you to marry her tomorrow. If things work out and you're still both happy and want to spend all of your time together a year or two from now she'll want it. If you know now that you'll never get married again then tell her and let her go. If you think you'll be open to it down the line then tell her that and let the relationship develop.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I am going to have a talk with her tonight. I am so conflicted. Quite honestly I am scared of getting hurt. I really do care for her and that is what is so frightening. I had this armor around me and she just pierced right throught it. I do want to be with her but I will take it slow. Something bigger could blossom from this. Sounds like SHE should be the one worried about getting hurt. If you do care for her, as you claim, then you must be totally honest with her about your level of commitment, feelings, or lacktherof, and what your intentions are towards her and the relationship. You need to tell her about your ambivilence so she can decide if she is willing to settle for less than she wants. ** JS17 -- By the way, is that your kitty in your avatar? Too funny and cute!
Mz. Pixie Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 "With the women of today" Hmmmm, yeah, women have cornered the market on cheating and not making things work.
alphamale Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 i would be more concerned with her being 15 yrs older than you. 10 yrs, it may work but 15 yrs is waaaay too large a difference.
bab Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Also she is 41 i would be more concerned with her being 15 yrs older than you. Man, you are waaay to young to be this jaded. By the same token you are young enough to be able to get over it... eventually. Unfortunately, she may not be young enough to wait. If you aren't ready to marry right now, don't. But does that have to mean that you never will again? I agree with most everyone else, you've gotta tell her you aren't seeing marriage in the future. She's probably woman enough to take that for what it is, and make her own decsion based on it.
Outcast Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I just cannot drag myself through all four pages of this. If someone's already said this , then let me be redundant. You got issues, go fix them. It's crazy to hide in a corner terrified of what may happen. But this means you have no trust and therefore you do not love. Trust is an essential element of love - as is respect. If you felt both those things for her you would not be afraid of her. But you don't. Maybe you can't feel that for anyone. If you think that's true, then get yourself to a shrink and get you fixed. Or live in a hole all by yourself and waste your life. Your choice. But here's the bottom line. You haven't known her long enough to be in love. People marry/commit far too soon, without truly knowing each other because they get caught up in the exact same force which now has you in its grasp. On learning more about their partners as time goes on, they 'fall out of love' although all they've done is realized that they did not love the person who exists but rather their image of that person. It takes a long long time to know someone well enough to be truly in love. But every single one of them is sure as hell, just as you are, that they are 'madly in love'. Some of them eventually wise up and figure out that that part's the illusion, wait to really get to know people, and then fall in love. In your case, maybe your wife didn't know you well enough. It's illogical to mistrust all women because marriages break up. You need to look at the root causes of problems in order to deal with them, not look at the symptoms and mistake them for problems.
basscatcher Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 It's illogical to mistrust all women because marriages break up. You need to look at the root causes of problems in order to deal with them, not look at the symptoms and mistake them for problems. I see the cause of the problem "He hasnt healed from the pain of previous hurts." The dude can't fully and completely give his heart and make a commitment totally until he lets go of the past completely. He is still carryiing luggage around; otherwise, he would be willing to take a risk. He needs to heal and change his philosophy before he can proceed forward with a future with anyone. He needs counceling for repressed trama.. (marriage breakup, maybe even previous breakups with gfs) If he would have allowed himself to fully heal he wouldnt be in this situation. He has naturally developed deep feelings for this woman and its causing repressed unresolved feelings to surface.. Hence, he doesn't want to get married..... Get help before you ruin your life and grow old alone. You could also ruin the goodness in the women who come into your life by your actions. How would you fell if you we the cause of them becoming bitter to marriage or a committed relaionship? You could kill their spirits, their hope and their dreams because you broke their hearts like yours was.
Mary3 Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 50% of marraiges today end in divorce . Most of those do not survive more than 4 years. 75% of divorces are initiated by the wife. I think you fear getting hurt. If marraige is the culprit then you must tell her its going to be live in only. There's alot at stake in getting married. You take on her credit, her driving record , then become one with yours . Good or Bad. I think if you are falling in love you need to stop seeing her if you see this ending into some finality. To enter into this you should have a positive additude but obviously you dont so you should not get married. Maybe you should end this now.
bab Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 50% of marraiges today end in divorce . Most of those do not survive more than 4 years. 75% of divorces are initiated by the wife. Yes, these statistics look bad. Dropping out that your chances if you can make it through the first 4 years you've got a higher chance of making it, let's consider them. These stats then say that 37.5% of married women will initiate a divorce. Which means 62.5% of women will NOT leave their husbands. Sure Woggle, it would be easier to find a woman that won't leave you if it were 100%, but we are talking about the majority of women aren't going to leave. Maybe instead of thinking your gf is the exception, hopefully she's the rule!!
alphamale Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 50% of marraiges today end in divorce . . I think that over time, MARY3, the divorce rate is closer to 60%....
Art_Critic Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I think that over time, MARY3, the divorce rate is closer to 60%.... Woogle.. since a breakup up is almost guaranteed why don't you just do a premptive strike and breakup with her now.. Your age difference coupled with the fact that you never dealt with your divorce hurt shows the writing on the wall.. Or just deal with your hurt and anger from your marriage and then give this one a go.
basscatcher Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Well Said A_C.. Or at least he should be honest with the woman and let her deciede if she wants to hang around while he works himself out. If it is true love it will withstand this time ONLY if he gets counceling for his past hurts. Otherwise, it is doomed to fail. You carry luggage around long enough it will break your back.
bab Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I think that over time, MARY3, the divorce rate is closer to 60%.... Even so it means that 55% of women who marry won't initiate a divorce. Still a majority.
Mary3 Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Alpha ...I dont have the link to that statistic but just read it on MSN 2 weeks ago where it said 50% of marraiges end in divorce.. I would tend to agree with you thats its even higher like 60%. Getting married is a BIG deal and most can't last because they walk in knowing very little about that person and how to KEEP a marraige together... For some , living together is better . At least its hard to rape their finances if its not legally bound.
Juliet2 Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 She is 41 and wants to start a family. At 41 she does not have a lot of time to ponder this relationship if she wants to have a baby now. After 35 pregnancies become more complicated.
Author Woggle Posted October 2, 2005 Author Posted October 2, 2005 I had a long talk with her. I have decided that I will pursue this relationship. She wasn't even mad at me. She actually thanked me for being honest. She just has way of piercing through this armor. She tells me that I am really caring person underneath this shell and that is true. How can I let a woman this great go. I don't care what age she is women like this are beyond rare and I managed to find one. I knew that one god would reward me for the crap I have had to go through. There is no pretense with her and she just a good aura to her. I have very good instincts and she has a great heart.
FataMorgana Posted October 2, 2005 Posted October 2, 2005 I had a long talk with her. I have decided that I will pursue this relationship. She wasn't even mad at me. She actually thanked me for being honest. She just has way of piercing through this armor. She tells me that I am really caring person underneath this shell and that is true. How can I let a woman this great go. I don't care what age she is women like this are beyond rare and I managed to find one. I knew that one god would reward me for the crap I have had to go through. There is no pretense with her and she just a good aura to her. I have very good instincts and she has a great heart. well then go fo it, enjoy it and see where life will take you next. good luck. P.S> glad you had a talk to her, are you feeling more at ease about it all as well now? I hope so.
NewLee40 Posted October 2, 2005 Posted October 2, 2005 Well, I hope it works out for you Woogle, I truly do. This thread was painful to me to read because you sound so much like my ex boyfriend and I identify so much with her. Probably part of the reason she's 41 and not married is that she's wasted too much of her time trying to make relationships work with guys like you who can't get their **** together but want to, and I quote "have their cake and eat it, too." I'm sorry you were hurt, but as has been said, we've all been hurt. That's no excuse to lead people on or use them. In some of his better moments, he would say things like "I'm a lucky man, she has such a kind heart, talking to her makes me feel better, etc... She doesn't get mad at me for my feelings, but thanks me for being honest, etc..." I'd be on cloud 9 thinking we'd broken through. But, then, for some unknown reason the he'd start pulling away and I know it was all this doubt, fear, and misguided stereotyping of all women, that was working on his brain. Then, he'd start thinking for me. Telling me what I wanted, what I didn't want, even if it was contrary to what I was telling him that I wanted. This is all so familiar. She is a good woman, and I hope for her sake you give as much to this relationship as she will. Forgive me, but somehow I doubt it. I so hope you and she will be happy together. But, for God's sake, please take a good long look at your motivations. This man nearly destroyed me with his self absorbed behavior, if you have any compassion or love in your heart for this woman, be sure you are willing to give it a real shot.
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