erika2610 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 If she wanted to get married she would have done it by now. She only wants to be married once because our society judges people who never marry. She should stand by her convictions and live her life as she wants to. That's bull. She should live her life the way you think she should.. according to you. That's like me looking at one of my girlfriend's who's 30 who wants a baby, and saying 'If she wanted a baby she would've had one by now.' Maybe she hasn't found the right guy.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I donlt want to live with her and certainly don't want to marry her but I still want to be with her. In the title of this thread you said that you are "falling in love". I don't know any woman who would feel loved by a man who states that he does not want to marry or live with her. That is not love.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 That's bull. She should live her life the way you think she should.. according to you. That's like me looking at one of my girlfriend's who's 30 who wants a baby, and saying 'If she wanted a baby she would've had one by now.' Maybe she hasn't found the right guy. I'd wager to say she still hasn't.
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 In the title of this thread you said that you are "falling in love". I don't know any woman who would feel loved by a man who states that he does not want to marry or live with her. That is not love. So you can only love somebody if you marry them?
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 So you can only love somebody if you marry them? No. Marriage is not for everyone. What is more telling is that you said you don't want to live with her. I really don't know of any man who is in love with a woman and would not want to live with her.
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 No. Marriage is not for everyone. What is more telling is that you said you don't want to live with her. I really don't know of any man who is in love with a woman and would not want to live with her. I like my space.
erika2610 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 So you can only love somebody if you marry them? No, but you 2 apparently want different things. At the very least, you need to talk to her about everything. She needs to know where you stand..
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 No, but you 2 apparently want different things. At the very least, you need to talk to her about everything. She needs to know where you stand.. She wants what I want but she has tricked herself into thinking she wants to get married.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I like my space. Everyone likes their "me time". Couples create that in a marriage or domestic partnership. You have a very poor understanding of what makes up a healthy marriage if you believe that you wouldn't have your own space within it. Again, the problem here is that you don't WANT her living with you. If you are in love with someone, the idea would not be so objectionable as you seem to find it.
erika2610 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 She wants what I want but she has tricked herself into thinking she wants to get married. But you can't say that. How do you know she's just tricked herself? How do you know she's not going to stay with you for a long time, then regret further on down the road that she never got married? You can't decide what's right for somebody else..
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 She wants what I want but she has tricked herself into thinking she wants to get married. AGAIN...quit trying to make up her mind for her. Whatever her "reasons" are for wanting to get married, the fact remains that she has told you she wants to get married. Your constant interpreting her motives to suit your own motives is disrespectful to her feelings.
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 But you can't say that. How do you know she's just tricked herself? How do you know she's not going to stay with you for a long time, then regret further on down the road that she never got married? You can't decide what's right for somebody else.. There is a reason she is 41 and never married and that is because she does not want to. Nothing at all wrong with that but she should be honest with herself.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 There is a reason she is 41 and never married and that is because she does not want to. Nothing at all wrong with that but she should be honest with herself. How do you know that she isn't being honest with herself. Plenty of women I know have waited until they are in their 30s-50s to get married for the first time because their needs and wants change over time. People evolve. What you want when you are 20 or 30 may or may not be the same as what you want when you have matured.
erika2610 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 There is a reason she is 41 and never married and that is because she does not want to. Nothing at all wrong with that but she should be honest with herself. You obviously don't want to listen to anything anybody else has to say. I don't know why. As I said before, maybe she just hasn't found the right guy. I don't know what's so hard to understand when we say you can't decide what's right for somebody else. You can't say 'Oh, she's tricked herself into thinking this or that'.. like Jen Jen said, it's disrespectful of her feelings. And as _I_ said before, why don't you just talk to her and tell her how you feel and that you don't want to ever get married again? See how she feels.. she at least deserves to know how you feel about it.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 And as _I_ said before, why don't you just talk to her and tell her how you feel and that you don't want to ever get married again? See how she feels.. she at least deserves to know how you feel about it. Nah. He won't. Because if he does that, the jig is up. The rouse is exposed and he can't keep using her -- you know, the way he intended to use her in the beginning. Wow. What a catch, huh? Who wouldn't be clammoring to marry that prince!
erika2610 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Nah. He won't. Because if he does that, the jig is up. The rouse is exposed and he can't keep using her -- you know, the way he intended to use her in the beginning. Wow. What a catch, huh? Who wouldn't be clammoring to marry that prince! Well I know I'd run to him He won't talk to her cuz he's afraid she'll say she does want to get married, and he'll lose her.
FataMorgana Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I donlt want to live with her and certainly don't want to marry her but I still want to be with her. You say you are falling in love with this woman who is great and a keeper for you ( in spite of being scared by it). So then, how do you see your future with her evolving? where do you think being with her will take you two longer term, to be fair to both?
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 You say you are falling in love with this woman who is great and a keeper for you ( in spite of being scared by it). So then, how do you see your future with her evolving? where do you think being with her will take you two longer term, to be fair to both? I would gladly commit to her and be exclusive but I want an easy out if things don't go right. That becomes harder with marriage and living together.
FataMorgana Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 totally agreed. That sounds fair enough to me, it sounds like you know where you are and what you what, what are you comfortable with committing to currently. the only thing is ...if that is the way you see things evolving you should tell her that as well. If she is ok with it then just take it easy and see where life takes you in another year or so, you might feel differently about the situation after you get to know her better.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 You know Woggle, Jen Jen is right. We've all been burned. There are plenty of people on this site, including myself, who have been through way worse than you have! Somehow you think that you've cornered the market on pain and bitterness?? You're young, you weren't really married for that long. Talk to some of the people on this board who have had spouses that left them after 20 years! I myself was married for 13 years before mine ended. You want to talk like you're all confident and you're this and that. You know what? That's bull. You don't really believe it or you wouldn't be acting like this. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and quit thinking that you have had it worse than anyone else. The truth is you really haven't. I'm saying all of this because you need a good old shot of the absolute truth, not to be harsh. You need some indepth personal counseling. That would be first on my list since you're off work for a month and all, you know.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I would gladly commit to her and be exclusive but I want an easy out if things don't go right. That becomes harder with marriage and living together. Do you understand that "commit" and "easy out" are two diametrically opposing concepts? If you are looking for an "easy out", then you are not even close to being ready to commit yourself to this relationship or to her.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Woggle on why he does not want to live with or marry her... I like my space. And then later we hear from Woggle... I would gladly commit to her and be exclusive but I want an easy out if things don't go right. That becomes harder with marriage and living together. And just as I suspected....the real reason for his commitmentphobia has very little to do with wanting "space".
fundamental Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 You need to tell her how you feel...tell her everything....she may be very understanding and deciding to work on these issues with you. Do not hide it from her or try to pretend you are a "man" by not expressing your feelings. If you are not willing to share your feelings and issues with her, then you need to let her go .... she deserves better.
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 I am going to have a talk with her tonight. I am so conflicted. Quite honestly I am scared of getting hurt. I really do care for her and that is what is so frightening. I had this armor around me and she just pierced right throught it. I do want to be with her but I will take it slow. Something bigger could blossom from this.
JS17 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I am going to have a talk with her tonight. I am so conflicted. Quite honestly I am scared of getting hurt. I really do care for her and that is what is so frightening. I had this armor around me and she just pierced right throught it. I do want to be with her but I will take it slow. Something bigger could blossom from this. If you really do love her as you say you do, let her go and find the life she deserves.
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