Woggle Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I did something I promised myself I would never do after my divorce and that is fall in love. I never thought I would fall another woman but I did and it is scaring the hell out of me. She has said to me that eventeually she does want to get married and have a family and I don;t know if I am the one to give that to her. I would much rather her be my girlfriend and live in her own home and me live in mine but that is not what she wants. I am thinking about putting the brakes on it. I never want to get married again because as great as she seems she is still a woman. Most divorces are filed by women and how do I know that once we do get married she won't just up and leave me for some vague reason. Also she is 41 and has never been married which means she is accustomed to being on her own which means that once she does marry it might freak her out. I read the divorce forums on this board and I don't want to end up like one of those guys. Women these days leave and don;t even know why the hell they are leaving. What makes it hard is that I am honest to god falling for her. I wish I could treat her like on of my sex buddies but I can't yet I don't want to get hurt in the end myself. Why did I ever have to meet her. I had it all figured out until she came along.
fusangite Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 The relevant word here is "falling" -- you have limited free will here. Now, you can enjoy the fall and abandon yourself to it or you can fight it all the way and feel sick inside the whole time. It will hurt if things don't work out; but why make that hurt start now? Go with the flow, recognizing that it is already too late to prevent yourself getting hurt if things don't work out. Your task now is to let things unfold and try not to control things.
Author Woggle Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 The relevant word here is "falling" -- you have limited free will here. Now, you can enjoy the fall and abandon yourself to it or you can fight it all the way and feel sick inside the whole time. It will hurt if things don't work out; but why make that hurt start now? Go with the flow, recognizing that it is already too late to prevent yourself getting hurt if things don't work out. Your task now is to let things unfold and try not to control things. You are right. I should have never let it get to this point. How could a friendly conversation with a stranger on the boardwalk turn into this mess?
Mz. Pixie Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Woggle, What kind of life are you living if you close yourself off from every relationship that may get serious? I understand you're scared and trust me I've been there but you have to take a chance to eventually find what you want and need. Who says it's going to turn out like your first marriage??? It is possible to make it work. I doubt very seriously that most women leave and they don't know why. I sure know why I left. My exhusband neglected me for years and years. Google this "Why Women Leave" and read the article there. That will tell you in a nutshell why women leave long term marriages. This woman has done nothing to deserve you turning your back on her.
JS17 Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 You are right. I should have never let it get to this point. How could a friendly conversation with a stranger on the boardwalk turn into this mess? Right, it's way better that you destroy her now than risk your own heart potentially getting broken further down the road. Good for you.
Author Woggle Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 Woggle, What kind of life are you living if you close yourself off from every relationship that may get serious? I understand you're scared and trust me I've been there but you have to take a chance to eventually find what you want and need. Who says it's going to turn out like your first marriage??? It is possible to make it work. I doubt very seriously that most women leave and they don't know why. I sure know why I left. My exhusband neglected me for years and years. Google this "Why Women Leave" and read the article there. That will tell you in a nutshell why women leave long term marriages. This woman has done nothing to deserve you turning your back on her. You are right she has done nothing yet. How do I know that she won't do something in the future? Also even if she is really a good woman she doesn't deserve my msogyny and my mistrust. She should not have to put up with me constantly wondering when she is going to leave me and if she is cheating or not. She deserves better than that and now that I really am falling for her I am starting to play all these worst case scenarios in my head. I am just trying to find an easy out because I know she is falling for me as well maybe even harder than I am falling for her. She told me she loved me last night and I wanted to cringe because I said it back and I meant it. I want to let her go without hurting her.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 This is the thing- you don't have a guarantee that everything will always be perfect. Guess what? You NEVER will. All you can do is try to choose wisely and do everything you possibly can to make sure that it works out. Marriage is hard work. You can't stop working on it and expect it to flourish. I've been through some terrible things in my life.... and I was reluctant to fall in love again. There were times when I felt like my heart would leap out of my chest I was so terrified. I still have days when I feel that way......but I wouldn't take anything for the experience of being in love with this man. If he were to leave me tomorrow, I would be able to look back and say that yeah, I'd been truly loved before. My husbands ex wife had cheated on him for a long time before she left, and I promise you he felt the same way as you do before he met me. He had trust issues. I worked very hard to earn his trust and I have it. He was WORTH it to me. Life is hard honey. You can stick your head in the sand for the rest of your life or you can LIVE. I choose to live. I hope you do too.
d'Arthez Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 She has done nothing yet, that would make you feel screwed over, as you feel about what your ex has done to you. Now of course, the whole distrust of women you experience, does not disappear in a fortnight after meeting a woman, you are falling for now. And what would happen, if you'd try to prevent things from processing further. You'd finish of something that could be a great thing for you, and you are aware of that. And you will come to regret that decision as neither of the two of you had been given a chance. How do I know that she won't do something in the future? You cannot know beforehand. But you don't have a single indication that that might happen - other than her being a woman. And you realize that that is not fair to her. Also even if she is really a good woman she doesn't deserve my msogyny and my mistrust. Yes - but she is the one who decides that. And she must know that you have been seriously burned in your marriage and divorce. And the funny thing is, how much you may hate it, despite that she is still falling in love with you. Sure the misogyny and mistrust is not ideal - but it won't last a life-time, especially if you are not being screwed over time and again. So far she has done nothing at all to suggest that. She should not have to put up with me constantly wondering when she is going to leave me and if she is cheating or not. She deserves better than that Yes - and you realize that. And you know that such demands are detrimental to a relationship, and you wish you were not thinking about these things. Now, if you are going to fight to keep her in your life, you are going to do the best you can to address these issues. Be optimistic, and work on yourself! I doubt you would allow anyone to call her "an idiot" for falling for you - there is much more to you than your mistrust of women. You are not bad, just seriously burned by past experiences.
Author Woggle Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 She is no idiot at all. She is a very giving and undertanding person but I don't think she knows quite how bad my issues are. She does not know that I originally went on a date with her because I wanted an older woman on my list of sexual conquests. I was planning on using her until I fell for her.
lindya Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 even if she is really a good woman she doesn't deserve my msogyny and my mistrust. She should not have to put up with me constantly wondering when she is going to leave me and if she is cheating or not. She deserves better than that Judging from your posts, I don't get the impression that you and this lady have been involved for a very long period of time. It sounds as if you're feeling pushed into a situation you don't feel ready for, and I think you need to make that clear to your girlfriend rather than bottling your thoughts and feelings up until they explode in a nasty old mess. Obviously you don't know what she - or you - might do in the future, because life just doesn't offer those guarantees. It does, however, give us some sort of a say in what happens. If, for instance, you're recognising that some of your feelings against women and your difficulty in trusting people may well jeopardise or reduce the quality of this relationship (and any others you might have in the future), then that's something you have the choice and the power to work on with the aid of some counselling. I get the sense, from your posts, that you perhaps have your girlfriend on a bit of a pedestal right now. You've shown a bit of a tendency in a lot of your posts to readily split women into "good" and "bad" categories. This isn't intended as a criticism, it's merely an observation - but that sort of "splitting" can sometimes lead people into difficulties whereby they place others on an impossibly high pedestal ...then get so furious and disillusioned when they fall off that they end up smashing the other poor person to pieces. Older women can sometimes attract slightly troubled younger men who are going through a stage where they are in particular need of a tolerant and mature girlfriend. Bear in mind, however, that although relationships do help us grow they're not a substitute for counselling as a means to resolving deep-rooted and troubling personal issues.
FataMorgana Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I am just trying to find an easy out because I know she is falling for me as well maybe even harder than I am falling for her. She told me she loved me last night and I wanted to cringe because I said it back and I meant it. I want to let her go without hurting her. You want to let her go? why would you want to do that when it sounds like both of your really like each other, well, actually from what you are saying it's a lot more that just like each other Hey, life has not guarantees that she won't cheat ot leave, but instead of questioning how did you let it go that far maybe you should think how fortunate you were to start talking to such a wonderful stranger on the broadwalk .... maybe it was just meant to be. I heard stranger things If I had such good fortune I would be grateful, take it and say thanks rather than being so hard on yourself. I said that before, why don't you just enjoy this wonderful time instead of plagueing yourself with all these questions that you know are doing no good for your relationship at this stage. Try to take her at face value and go with the flow ... assume innocent until proven guilty.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Woggle, you sound like my ex-boyfriend. Ugh! You need to fish or cut bait. If you're not man enough for marriage, then stop wasting her time and cut her loose so she can go find someone who is.
Razorback05 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Also take this time to thank your ex for leaving your life so that this new special person could come along and love you like you've never been loved before. Isn't that the more refreshing and good way to feel? Come on, you know you want to feel that way.
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 Woggle, you sound like my ex-boyfriend. Ugh! You need to fish or cut bait. If you're not man enough for marriage, then stop wasting her time and cut her loose so she can go find someone who is. Not man enough? I was man enough and I got burned.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 We all have been burned. My ex-husband cheated on me, but I don't apply my baggage from him onto every man that comes along either. This is about being mature enough to get back up on the horse. It's also about being "man enough" to admit if you're not ready to head down the marriage path again -- because if you aren't, then she has a right to know and have a choice not to waste her time with you.
erika2610 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Not man enough? I was man enough and I got burned. Basically, you need to decide what you wanna do. Don't stay in it if you don't wanna be. If you're not sure. Especially considering she's older, let her just move on and find somebody who does know what he wants, if you don't.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Basically, you need to decide what you wanna do. Don't stay in it if you don't wanna be. If you're not sure. Especially considering she's older, let her just move on and find somebody who does know what he wants, if you don't. Thanks...that's exactly my point.
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 The thing is that I want to have my cake and eat it to. I donlt want to live with her and certainly don't want to marry her but I still want to be with her. She has never been married before anyway so she won't be able to adjust if we did? In the end she will be happier with the dating this as well.
erika2610 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 The thing is that I want to have my cake and eat it to. I donlt want to live with her and certainly don't want to marry her but I still want to be with her. She has never been married before anyway so she won't be able to adjust if we did? In the end she will be happier with the dating this as well. Does she ever want to get married?
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 Does she ever want to get married? Yes but she is accustomed to her independence and will not be happy in a marriage. She only thinks she wants to get married.
erika2610 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Yes but she is accustomed to her independence and will not be happy in a marriage. She only thinks she wants to get married. You have to give her the chance to find that out. You can't decide whether somebody's ever going to get married or not. If you don't want to get married, you need to talk to her about that. Eventually, you need to either s*** or get off the pot.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Yes but she is accustomed to her independence and will not be happy in a marriage. She only thinks she wants to get married. So nice that she has you to tell her what she really wants, because God forbid she should think for herself or know what would make herself happy.
erika2610 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 So nice that she has you to tell her what she really wants, because God forbid she should think for herself or know what would make herself happy. Exactly. 'Hmmm.. well since Woggle doesn't think I'll be happy ever getting married, maybe I should just give up the dream. Cuz it's not like I know what I want for myself.'..
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 The thing is that I want to have my cake and eat it to. "I want, I want, I want...." What about what she wants? Oh, that's right, you have it all figured out. Nevermind what she says she wants, you're going to tell her what she wants.
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 If she wanted to get married she would have done it by now. She only wants to be married once because our society judges people who never marry. She should stand by her convictions and live her life as she wants to.
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