DrNo1962 Posted July 14, 2019 Posted July 14, 2019 To the women of the forum, If you are dating a guy who you have a high level of interest in, but the man isn't necessarily meeting your needs/expectations (not communicating on the phone enough etc.) Do you let your needs be known to him? Or... Do you strike him off your list because you automatically assume you're not on the same page?
divegrl Posted July 14, 2019 Posted July 14, 2019 Hi! I state my boundaries. If they are not met, then I would stop dating them. Have a beautiful day!!!
spiderowl Posted July 14, 2019 Posted July 14, 2019 I tend to strike him off the list because I feel he should have some sense of how a decent guy should be. I like him to be considerate, caring, and to treat me as someone special to him. If he doesn't see me as special, why is he bothering to date me? If he doesn't smell nice, he is off the list! Usually if a guy has no sense of your needs, it is because he is not listening or they do not tally with his values. If I say it is nice to be treated as special and he never offers to take me out for a meal or anything, then he obviously has a different idea of what 'special' means to most people who are dating or is ignoring my needs. Either response is not nice. It is embarrassing to have to spell out one's needs. If I have to tell him I like to be taken out for a meal or that I feel too cold in his house, I feel awkward doing this. I am more likely to just avoid being with him again. If a guy really likes a woman, he should ask what really matters to her. If he does not agree with what she says, why bother dating her? 2
basil67 Posted July 14, 2019 Posted July 14, 2019 It would depend on how long we've been dating for and what particular needs aren't being met. If we were early dating and he took a week to call me and hadn't answered me when I reached out, I'd assume low interest and write him off. If we'd been dating a while and I wanted to see him more or be exclusive, I'd ask.
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2019 Posted July 14, 2019 early days I would right him off. I agree the right man should know how to treat a lady.
Redhead14 Posted July 14, 2019 Posted July 14, 2019 In the very beginning of a new dating scenario, I think it's best to sit back and observe whether my early dating needs are being met by the prospect more organically, naturally. Once the relationship is a little more established, then I'll start voicing needs. In the beginning, it's more about whether it's clear that th man is truly interested in me and demonstrating that his dating goals and my dating goals overall are similar at least. Later is more about having good communication and understanding of what makes me happy on a more intimate level emotionally and in terms of lifestyle. It's not fair to make a man guess what you need/want. Lots of women don't say anything while stewing about what she needs and resenting the man just because he's not a mind reader . . . 3
malaiyas Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 In the early stages, I agree that if my needs aren't being met (and in the beginning, they shouldn't be too involved or otherwise difficult to meet), I simply write them off. I'm looking for a good fit, and if he doesn't present as such from the start, I don't feel the need to force it. He's just not it. If things move along smoothly and we progress to an exclusive relationship, then of course things are going to come up and that's where voicing those needs comes into play. 1
Author DrNo1962 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 Interesting responses so far. Negating all the obvious sign's of a bad date (rude, abusive, unhygienic etc.), what are your baseline needs/expectations that need to be met early on for your interest level to be high? 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 When single, I didn't strike out a guy just thinking we weren't on the same page. The lack of communication I have gotten in the past was almost always his lack of interest. Now that I'm in a good relationship, I realized I don't need to ask for him to communicate w/me because he just does. W/other guys I felt like a total nag because I had to keep asking for them to meet my needs. Once you find someone really good, there will be very few things you will have to ask of them. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 I might give light hints, but that's it. If he's not excited enough about me to make sure I know it, I see no point in investing anything. 1
basil67 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 Good conversational skills, dressed with care, being available for a date on a Saturday night in the near future. Speaking of availability, if the guy's schedule is too busy for easy dating, I wouldn't bother further.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 (edited) In response to the original post. Beginning stages for the most part no. I pick guys who naturally on his own free will do the basics. But once we are in a exclusive boyfriend girlfriend relationship I definitely do communicate boundaries/requests. That’s not to say I don’t communicate any boundaries at all before exclusivity. I do. It just depends on what it is. Some things warrant communication and other things are basic things that to me speaks to whether he is relationship oriented or not. Edited July 15, 2019 by Curiousroxy86
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 Interesting responses so far. Negating all the obvious sign's of a bad date (rude, abusive, unhygienic etc.), what are your baseline needs/expectations that need to be met early on for your interest level to be high? For me a guy who consistently calls, consistently ask me out, is affectionate, respectful, interested in a long term relationship, and no deal breaking red flags are the basics 2
Author DrNo1962 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 It seems to me, from my perspective at least, that even if the interest level is high and you put your best foot forward, the dating landscape has changed so drastically that any women would discard a guy who makes one/two trivial errors that don't meet her needs because social media (dating apps) has given everyone more options. As soon as I get to date 5 or 6 I get the "not ready for a relationship" speech. It's almost like clockwork. This is when I'm doing one date a week, going with the flow, not letting my feelings be known, never insinuating relationship labels or having the relationship talk. Just living in the moment and being present, focussing on having a good time. The vast majority of women I date are so guarded it's frightening. I never experienced this before my last LTR (which was before online dating apps were a thing). I think we need to communicate our needs a little better and give people a chance if the interest level is high, just my 2cents anyway.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 It seems to me, from my perspective at least, that even if the interest level is high and you put your best foot forward, the dating landscape has changed so drastically that any women would discard a guy who makes one/two trivial errors that don't meet her needs because social media (dating apps) has given everyone more options. What trivial error are you making? Because though trivial to you that error may not be trivial to most women or it may actually be a big deal or make big difference in the results your getting
basil67 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 These woman who choose to not continue dating you: were you surprised when they backed out? Or were you more ambivalent about them?
Author DrNo1962 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 These woman who choose to not continue dating you: were you surprised when they backed out? Or were you more ambivalent about them? I've been more surprised than ambivalent. The last girl I dated initiated date # 6, we made a plan and then she backed out the day before. I told her to get in touch when she's free to get together again. She let me know 1 week later that she wasn't ready for a relationship. I seem to go through the process of a great first month and a bit of dating and it just falls off a cliff out of nowhere. I know it's a two-way street, but I'm struggling to understand what I'm doing wrong. Perhaps I need to sharpen up my sensory acuity skills?
MaleIntuition Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 I tend to strike him off the list because I feel he should have some sense of how a decent guy should be. I like him to be considerate, caring, and to treat me as someone special to him. If he doesn't see me as special, why is he bothering to date me? If he doesn't smell nice, he is off the list! Usually if a guy has no sense of your needs, it is because he is not listening or they do not tally with his values. If I say it is nice to be treated as special and he never offers to take me out for a meal or anything, then he obviously has a different idea of what 'special' means to most people who are dating or is ignoring my needs. Either response is not nice. It is embarrassing to have to spell out one's needs. If I have to tell him I like to be taken out for a meal or that I feel too cold in his house, I feel awkward doing this. I am more likely to just avoid being with him again. If a guy really likes a woman, he should ask what really matters to her. If he does not agree with what she says, why bother dating her? OP, clearly this must be the answer: Perhaps your home is to cold. Seriously; that’s one of the stupidest reasons I’ve seen for ditching someone. 2
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 As soon as I get to date 5 or 6 I get the "not ready for a relationship" speech. It's almost like clockwork. This is when I'm doing one date a week, going with the flow, not letting my feelings be known, never insinuating relationship labels or having the relationship talk. Just living in the moment and being present, focussing on having a good time. Sounds to me you are too hands off. For me anyway. I would like a man to show much more interest. 6 weeks of no feelings shown and no label and a once a week "appointment", no thanks. 2
crispytoast Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 If a guy really likes a woman, he should ask what really matters to her. If he does not agree with what she says, why bother dating her? Could you not date someone who disagrees with you? I'm baffled. Part of the joy of relationships are the differences that make life beautiful. 1
basil67 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 It depends on what the disagreements are over. I could deal with say, differences in music tastes or introvert/extrovert...but not difference in terms of morals and ethics.
Author DrNo1962 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Posted July 15, 2019 Sounds to me you are too hands off. For me anyway. I would like a man to show much more interest. 6 weeks of no feelings shown and no label and a once a week "appointment", no thanks. Thanks for that. It may be something I need to work on.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 I for the most part agree with Elaine However 1-2 months is reasonable time for you to decide you want to be the girls exclusive boyfriend. If at 6 weeks your genuinely not sure if you want to be exclusive you don’t have to rush into a relationship if that’s the reason your not giving any labels by that time. But if you really was open to exclusivity then yea I would say don’t unnecessarily prolong because women who want exclusivity are either of two camps they foolishly wait for the dude past reasonable time or they don’t and if you been attracted to women with self respect I imagine they are moving on because your moving too slow. And that once a week contact crap? Yeah you should stop that lol. That change alone imo should make a big difference. Was that the “trivial” mistakes you are referring to?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 As soon as I get to date 5 or 6 I get the "not ready for a relationship" speech. It's almost like clockwork. This is when I'm doing one date a week, going with the flow, not letting my feelings be known, never insinuating relationship labels or having the relationship talk. Then their interest level is not high. When interest is high, they'll jump at the slightest hint of girlfriend status. Not letting your feelings be known isn't a good strategy. The man takes the lead and sets the tone in dating, so if you're being aloof toward women, they will respond in kind. Nobody wants to be with someone who's lukewarm about them.
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 This is when I'm doing one date a week, going with the flow, not letting my feelings be known, never insinuating relationship labels or having the relationship talk. Just living in the moment and being present, focussing on having a good time. The vast majority of women I date are so guarded it's frightening. I never experienced this before my last LTR (which was before online dating apps were a thing). I think we need to communicate our needs a little better and give people a chance if the interest level is high, just my 2cents anyway. I agree with you that people need to communicate more, but most folks don't know how. All they can do is text. Ugh. I think people are too guarded & they think a date is akin to a commitment. Too many people get annoyed that some new person in their life, who has been around for less than 6 months, is not as fully intertwined in all aspects of their life the way a long term partner of multiple years would be. They want instant intimacy complete with the mind reading that comes from knowing somebody that well. That said maybe you could increase your level of flirtation & touch during the dates. You can be more expressive without stating your intentions verbally or becoming clingy 1
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