Can my bf be gaslighting me?

[Manipulated700]

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for several years and most of them have been very loving. But he has a very pushy personality but it’s never gotten to the point where I have to break up with because we do love each other a lot. When he doesn’t get his way seems to pout temporarily and get then he gets out out of it. He is very loving to me and my adult son who has a disability and is very into family both mine and his.

He has talked about moving with me in the past and getting married but I didn’t because I never felt ready. The primary reason being that I didn’t trust the way he managed his finances. I don’t think I need to get a lot of details other than to say we are not the same when it comes to paying bills and budgeting for the future. However he doesn’t become delinquent but is lazy and terms of paying his bills and saving money for a rainy day.

The other night I asked if he paid rent late (I knew he did thru other sources) and he had a complete meltdown as he stood above me while I was sitting calmly and yelled at me saying **** you many times and stormed out of my house. He called me about an hour later and said he wasn’t apologizing but he regretted it happened and I should apologize for asking him and looking into it.

I explained I need to know that he’s financially responsible enough to move into my house as we have been talking about soon and pay me his share of the house of expenses but either way I ended up apologizing which I think is crazy. What’s crazier is the following night he stopped by and was real sweet and loving.

He proposed marriage to me!

i obviously was thrown off based on our last conversation and I asked him how you go from cursing me out and tell me it’s not my business to this to marriage. By the way other than him telling me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me was very cold he sat in one chair and I set another and it was very businesslike in my opinion. I let him say his thing and then I told him that why I loved him I’d be concerned about our incompatibility regards to finances and that would hold me back. He told me those concerns will resolve themselves once we were married but we should get married sooner rather than later and time was working against us but at that for us.

He said he was up all night thinking about it and he was sure this was the right thing for both of us to move our relationship forward. It should be noted that he has been anxious to get out of this apartment is the day he met me I was seven years ago and moved into my quiet luxurious home. I did not turn him down immediately but told him I had to think about it but reality was my stomach was turning because I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He lives in a fantasy world and never wants to look at the harsh reality only dream dreams about things. Reality is that I would end up picking up the slack since I have good income and I have substantial assets and he has limited assets and a very modest income.

 

I suppose my question is am I correct this is gaslighting and he’s controlling me and how could someone who loves you so much. Even if he didn’t agree with what I was saying how can he say **** U, **** u over and over to me (standing over me while I sat and didn't yell) and then the next day ask me go marry him? Am I dealing with somebody who will only bring misery to me in the long run?

[schlumpy]

I suppose my question is am I correct this is gaslighting and he’s controlling me and how could someone who loves you so much. Even if he didn’t agree with what I was saying how can he say **** U, **** u over and over to me (standing over me while I sat and didn't yell) and then the next day ask me go marry him? Am I dealing with somebody who will only bring misery to me in the long run?

 

There is a chance that he will change his money habits in the future but it's only a slim chance. People who handle their finances badly tend to stay like that all their life. You've had a lengthy relationship with him and although it's fatally flawed it's hard to let it go.

 

He senses your doubt and thus the marriage proposal.

 

If you accept his proposal you would be a fool to marry him without a prenup and a requirement that you handle all the major financial transactions.

 

Everyone has their own way of handling their household finances. My wife and I have one joint account into which is deposited everything we earn. Other people use separate accounts. You should require that an agreed upon amount of money will be automatically transferred from his paycheck into a household account. Do not rely on his promises to give the money to you and don't fall for the "don't you trust me?" nonsense. This is about paying bills and staying out of debt.

 

If you have credit cards limit how much can be charged on them.

 

If you can keep him from ruining your financial future then maybe you two have a chance. It's not uncommon for a spouse to make up for a deficiency in their SO.

 

If not, then you will have to let go. You have a child to consider.

 

Best Wishes

[Redhead14]

Am I dealing with somebody who will only bring misery to me in the long run?

 

Isn't he bringing misery to you now by screaming **** You, **** You many times in a row while you are trying to have an adult conversation about serious matters???? This is the kind of thing you should be more worried about. How's it gonna go when you're trying to discuss other things that he may be uncomfortable or unwilling to talk about????