Jump to content

How do you find and maintain friendships as a child free person?

Eternal Sunshine

By Eternal Sunshine
in Friends and Lovers

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Mysterio Established Member

Mysterio

Posted
Posted

For me. It seems like some of my Friends without kids are way more difficult to get together with and it feels like when I reach out. Its a chore for them. My friends with Kids are easy and I get invited to all the major events.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
For me. It seems like some of my Friends without kids are way more difficult to get together with and it feels like when I reach out. Its a chore for them. My friends with Kids are easy and I get invited to all the major events.

 

 

FWIW, I think that this is a bit more difficult for women than for men (if the friends are primarily the same gender). Women tend to do more of the childrearing and women with kids tend to talk about their kids more than men do - sometimes with male acquaintances I only realize after several months of knowing them that they have a kid, whereas with women it tends to come out right away! Also it's a lot less likely for men to bring their kids to a guys' meetup than for women to do so, IMO.

 

 

Fortunately things are changing, but there is still a very marked difference.

  • Like 1
RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

Posted
Posted

I am lucky in that the demographics in my area are swayed heavily in my favor.

 

I am 40, married and child free, and like you, dislike children.

 

But unlike you, I have a ton of child free people in my social circle - they make up the large majority of my friends.

 

San Francisco is said to have more dogs than children. The high cost of living here makes this area unfriendly to families - add Silicon Valley - which had an inequitable rate of single men - yep not a lot of kids.

 

Not only does my husband not have children, neither does his sister or brother- we spend a fair bit of time with my sister in law and her husband.

 

I also have a lot of friends from the boarding stable where I keep my horse. Many are child free, as they are people that have dedicated a lot of time to hobbies / sports / careers, and tend to like animals more than babies.

 

From our neighborhood (downtown urban) we have made a lot of friends with various child free individuals and coupeles. Ages ranging from late 20’s to early 40’s.

 

For me, it’s easy to find friends without kids, but there are a lot of variables that work in my favor.

  • Like 1
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

 

San Francisco is said to have more dogs than children. The high cost of living here makes this area unfriendly to families - add Silicon Valley - which had an inequitable rate of single men - yep not a lot of kids.

 

 

I think there's a correlation between how progressive a location is and how many people choose to be childfree, as well - not necessarily because progressive people always don't want children, but because it's a lot more socially acceptable than it would be in a conservative location.

Xenia New Member

Xenia

Posted
Posted

Mb you should try to find child-free friends on Facebook groups or smth? Tbh, it's a bit strange for me, bc I have enough child-free acquaintances around) Mb, that's bc I'm young (22)

schlumpy Established Member

schlumpy

Posted
Posted

Do you have a cat or dog? If so, you an pay them back with equal boredom.

 

So what makes your work so interesting? Is it customer service? Are you solving subtle engineering problems? Do you work for NASA or the NSA? That would be pretty interesting.

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Having dogs is the best! But only thing, then you have to find someone who likes dogs too. But then what kind of defective person doesn't like dogs? I've known a couple. They were both attention hogs and didn't like the competition.

Dogs are the easiest things to love on earth and they always love you back.

schlumpy Established Member

schlumpy

Posted
Posted

I only have one dog now. She's a little rescue dog. A bichon we named Pookie. I've been through 7 so she's the eighth. I have to say she has very little use for me except to feed her and open the door to let her out. I don't know why she never clicked with us but she didn't. My wife has loved her to death with little of that returned. It could be some trauma from her puppyhood but we will never know so we just give her what we can and I guess she's gives us what she can. I certainly agree with your defective person comment.

  • 3 weeks later...
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted (edited)
Even those of us who are parents feel this way :).

 

I don't like other people's kid's or babies ....

 

Yet I am pregnant and desperate for our own child.

 

Neither of us ever enjoyed chatting about other people's kid's and none of our relationships were ever based around baby or toddler talk. We always seemed to find other things to talk about, even with friends who were parents.

 

I sure as heck won't be boring everyone with kiddie talk. It baffles me that anyone else would give a crap about my little kiddo's bowel movement or that he discovered what a butterfly was for the first time.:sick:. I actually don't have the best social skills but I feel uncomfortable just thinking about dragging on and on about my child to anyone who will listen.

 

I am also one of those soon to be parents who did feel that the ultrasounds and heartbeats and positive pregnancy test was the best feeling of my life and happiest days of our lives. I guess we are the types to just...BE elated and happy, without the need to vomit it all over eveyone else?

 

I have always found you delightful to read about and I would gladly be your friend SANS baby talk!

Edited by Leigh 87
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted (edited)
Being a good friend means caring about who they care about too.

 

If you take that out of the equation it’s no wonder why you can’t maintain quality relationships. You’re making people feel like you don’t care about them.

 

I think the issue is, ET really isn't into children. It can't be faked.

 

Imagine your friends suddenly took up a new hobby that they talked disproportionately about. .. that's what kids are to many child free by choice women -- a topic of conversation they really don't have any interest in yet gets spoken about often. It's considered an indicator of Asperger's when people carry on and on incessantly over one topic of discussion. Except when it's kids people seem to have free reign of the monopoly of the conversation..

 

Not enjoying children is no different to not wanting to talk about a hobby you're friend is obsessed with yet your just not deriving any pleasure from hearing them extol the benefits of it.... People talk about their kids a lot, it's their responsibility to acquire a sense of self beyond their children. There needs to be secondary interests that may come second to their kids but are depth and dimension to their identities.

 

I think you will find that it is very isolating for child free women who don't enjoy children. It isn't an easy fix. Parents outa meet women like ET half way. It'll honestly be good for them to learn to start giving a damn about the world rather than only truly giving a damn about their own families. There are so many pressing issues in the world and I find a lot of parents too selfish and they often don't truly care about anything other than their kids; they don't really care about friends or hobbies or work.... It is all there to break up their days but they don't truly care about anything other than their own families.

 

Would do parents the world of good to start caring about people other than themselves and their families. It's a rare quality to find in parents. I have managed to avoid that selfish mindset because I didn't think I could have children and therefore, I had to view the world in a different way....I truly care about people/ animals/ issues at large going on around me. In my early 30s, one ends up looking outward towards friends and other people to help out, listen to their advice and etc as a main source of fulfillment. Helping others by just listening and being part of their lives feels great. Giving yourself to others...rather than looking inward to the children who are just so much more important. I hope I can incorporate the two sides to life when it comes to relating to new and old friends with or without kids.

 

It's not like the OP is declining to talk about their kids at all. It sounds more like a case of them not relenting and overly imposing their own lives and interests while expressing very little interest in anything in life other than their kids.

Edited by Leigh 87
  • Like 1
amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

Posted
Posted
I think the issue is, ET really isn't into children. It can't be faked.

 

Yes and I’m sure that message comes across loud and clear to all the happy people out there who are content in their own lives.

  • Author
Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Yes and I’m sure that message comes across loud and clear to all the happy people out there who are content in their own lives.

 

 

Uh what are you on about? Are you implying that everyone that has kids is by default a happy person content with their life?

 

 

I would like to see for how long you would fake interest in a friend who obsessively talked about stamp collecting.

  • Author
Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Do you have a cat or dog? If so, you an pay them back with equal boredom.

 

So what makes your work so interesting? Is it customer service? Are you solving subtle engineering problems? Do you work for NASA or the NSA? That would be pretty interesting.

 

 

I am currently working on developing complex mathematical models that help discover early drug candidates for a specific type of cancer :love:

amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

Posted
Posted
I would like to see for how long you would fake interest in a friend who obsessively talked about stamp collecting.

 

I don’t compare people to stamps but if stamps are what bring you eternal sunshine then enjoy!

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted (edited)
Uh what are you on about? Are you implying that everyone that has kids is by default a happy person content with their life?

 

 

I would like to see for how long you would fake interest in a friend who obsessively talked about stamp collecting.

 

Because all parents are automatically so happy :lmao:

 

The kid talk thing reminds me of an autistic adult I was a carer for at his school... I was there to motivate him and keep him on task ... You see, kid could drive and function; however, he had Asberge's and couldn't talk about anything other than star wars or super heroes.... Which most adults aren't that eager to listen to relentlessly.... I was paid to try and reach him to NOT focus so intensively on the one topic.

 

Why do people get a free pass to carry on and on about their kids?! Don't they have family or friends who they already know enjoy hearing about it all? Isn't it socially unskilled to assume that all adults want to hear about little John's new discovery and cute phrase he now uses ?!

 

And again, I am someone who thinks being pregnant and having a child is the best thing that's ever happened to me in life (despite traveling extensively and living a very full life). I am not a childfree by choice woman. Yet I really can't stand that in 2019, people still don't have the basic understanding to consider that not everyone likes children.

My perspective may come from a different place to the ES, but it taught me how difficult childfree women have it ...

 

And it's not getting any better. In fact, with social media nowdays, there are endless Facebook posts about being a mother. There are mumlife hashtag stickers on cars. The world is obsessed. And I find it terribly uneducated and sad. Surly there is more to life?

 

It's socially abhorrent to carry on about ANY one topic of discussion. I am not a very social person yet even I know this. You tube and take, you don't let your own obsession for your kids rule your every conversation. Yes even soon to be mum's like me who will likely be totally obsessed with my son know better than to spew my excitement on unsuspecting co workers. There are more than enough mum friends out there who will return the sentiment. There's no need to unload your obsession into strangers or co workers.

Edited by Leigh 87
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted
I am currently working on developing complex mathematical models that help discover early drug candidates for a specific type of cancer :love:

 

 

 

This is what I call living haha. I admit I am simple minded and easily pleased hence being a mum is my main driver in life. But I also strongly feel that it's not significant either. It's selfish and easy and hedonistic and instant gratification/ a natural high from a smile of playing with your child.. even total morons can pop out kids after all.

 

What you're doing is significant. Most people with families sadly don't feel passionate about anything significant in life and that's the sad truth I would never say out loud in real life. I am no better really lol, I guess I just know not to carry on about it since I identified as an infertile woman and found it difficult to tolerate everyone else joyful kid stories.

 

Although I am doing another degree now as I enjoyed uni so much and did well at it much to my surprise. I admit that I could talk endlessly about the new field I'll be going into! It's all about helping and giving to others which means a lot to me. It's a very creative field.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
Do you have a cat or dog? If so, you an pay them back with equal boredom..

 

 

You know, this is actually a really good idea. If/when we get a cat, I'm going to carry several pictures of him/her around in my wallet to show anyone who thinks it's a good idea to spend the entire evening talking about their kids... "Oh, and did I tell you about the time Snowball vomited on the couch? The poor baby... I had to bring her into the ER at 1am and the vet said that [etc etc etc etc]." :laugh:

Inflikted Established Member

Inflikted

Posted
Posted

Maybe not in the same direction, but something I've been wondering about is, how well do people who have kids generally keep the door open to have their own social life?

 

The reason I ask is, I've become good friends with a couple, and I love them dearly, but I assume within the next few years, they'll marry and start having children. And I mostly just worry they won't be able to keep in touch anymore. Which, don't get me wrong, family comes first, and I totally respect that. I just hope I don't lose my friends once they start having babies.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

 

The reason I ask is, I've become good friends with a couple, and I love them dearly, but I assume within the next few years, they'll marry and start having children.

 

 

Dude, that's a huge leap, lol. A few of the other possible outcomes:

 

- They break up (not nice to think about, but it does happen)

- They stay together but don't get married or have children

- They get married but don't have children

- They get married and plan to have children but not yet

- They get married and move to another place, so whether or not they have children is irrelevant to you

 

 

I mean, gosh, you're probably thinking way further ahead than THEY are at this point... :D

  • Like 1
Inflikted Established Member

Inflikted

Posted
Posted
Dude, that's a huge leap, lol. A few of the other possible outcomes:

 

- They break up (not nice to think about, but it does happen)

- They stay together but don't get married or have children

- They get married but don't have children

- They get married and plan to have children but not yet

- They get married and move to another place, so whether or not they have children is irrelevant to you

 

 

I mean, gosh, you're probably thinking way further ahead than THEY are at this point... :D

 

Well, they've been together for a few years, now, and they've mentioned stuff about getting married and having kids while I've been around them, so assuming a big breakup doesn't happen, that does seem to be part of their plans.

clia Established Member

clia

Posted
Posted

I think you need to find different friends -- ones who understand it's rude to completely monopolize a conversation on one topic every time you are together. I don't see it as being any different than if someone spent 3 hours talking about golf or their job for the entire duration of our time together. I would be bored with that, too.

 

I have friends with kids and friends without kids. The friends with kids who can't manage to talk about anything other than their kids are the ones I don't see very much. I have other friends who have kids that barely mention them at all, and others that might mention a few things here and there, but we generally talk about other topics. So, I think it depends on the person. You can find people out there who aren't so rude and self-centered.

  • Like 1
Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted

In all my years with friends as parents, not a single one has gone on about their kids to the exclusion of other conversation. Of course this would be rude.

As a matter of fact, children are the least discussed topic.

It's possible that brief mention may be tremendously annoying to some; of course your career is interesting. Curing cancer is important to the brats who may have it some day.

lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

Posted
Posted (edited)

This seems like something specific to your environment and culture---the people you've described sound really insufferable, but I don't think that automatically happens when people become parents. As others have mentioned, parents giving up their whole world for their kids aren't the norm. I am sure that some degree of drifting apart is normal between those who do and don't have children, but it doesn't have to end friendships.

 

In a big city, childfree couples are very common if not the norm. You've mentioned moving before; maybe look into an urban area where there are fewer expectations about having children. You might also want to look at finding Meetup or similar types of groups for hobbies that aren't kid-friendly, like mountain biking or sailing or something. Generally speaking, time-consuming or complex hobbies are more likely to be pursued by people without kids. We are lucky to be in a city where most of our friends would rather talk about politics, history, and wine rather than kids - and the vacations we're planning with the money that isn't going to childcare!

Edited by lana-banana
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...